Emily Raven
And we're back. Well, I'm back. I guess you guys didn't go anywhere. Reporting from a borrowed laptop today, since my computer (Thing of Evil) took its final, ultimate revenge upon me and died. Eh, needed a new one anyway.
On to the Sue. I was going to report one that the author openly admitted was a knock-off of Lara Croft of Tomb Raider fame but the pollen count was high today and I already had a sinus headache so...some other time.
TITLE: Wild Streak
CULPRIT: RileySparrow
SUMMARY: "Emily Raven the daughter of the Govener of Singapore is not what meets the eye. A wild daughter and secretly a pirate Emily is a could kick in the butt to anyone who gets in her way. And when she manages to runaway again Jack Sparrow isn't the only who"
BEST LINE: "A heap of four letter words escaped my mouth and I knew if my grandmother was here she would have passed out. Not that I cared though, I often hoped the nagging witch would die of suffocation from these damn corsets. She calls them a gift from God, I call them a gift from Hell (when I told her that she gasped raised her hand to her forehead and passed out, as for me I smiled and left her there.)" Young people with respect for their elders just warms your heart, doesn't it?
THE VERDICT
It's a short drop and a sudden stop for you.
NAME: Emily Raven You know, it actually surprises me that there aren't more Sues with bird-inspired surnames. Not that lack of frequency excuses this stupidity...it's just surprising.
EYES: "strikingly blue"
HAIR: "very light brown" "So light it’s slightly blond too"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Her "trusty sword and pistol"
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The daughter of the Governor of Singapore, apparently. And a "secret pirate," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Mr. Gibbs' left big toe. We've been here before, haven't we?
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Making me sadly consider the state of today's youth since they think disrespect and disregard of their elders is humorous and/or a sign of independence/toughness...and I only just turned 20.
THE "PLOT": We open with Sue throwing a tantrum because they're moving to Port Royal. Who knows why. After wishing death on her grandmother, Sue stomps off thinking how when her life isn't going well she makes everyone else's life miserable too. Charming, isn't she? Anyway, the next scene is her grandmother forcing her into a corset and its only real purpose is so that her grandmother can awkwardly describe the Sue's appearance to the reader by illogically describing it to Sue herself. Next I discover that a "secret pirate" must not actually sail anywhere since Sue faints six times on the way to Port Royal. Once they get there Sue is still a whiny bitch who doesn't like anyone or anything, and Elizabeth is inexplicably engaged to Commodore Norrington. Sue sneaks away from her welcoming party to Will's shop and faints at the sight of all of the purdy swords. When she wakes up Elizabeth has taken her back to her room...or somewhere. The author then decides that a good way to make her character look good and independent is to have Elizabeth only engaged to the Commodore because of her father, even though she's actually in love with Will and to have Sue point out how stupid this is. Anyway, Sue reveals to Elizabeth some inane story about her running away and being a pirate that you can find in the excerpt. Then the pirates attack and Sue decides that she'll go and kill them all to get away, but then she just sneaks aboard a cargo ship and gets a huge bottle of rum. Lets hope she drinks it all and dies of alchohol poisoning.
NOTES: Run of the mill complete and total crap Sueage. Why is it that none of the people writing these stories realize that there are five thousand other people at the Pit writing the same exact story?
It's not a very good story to begin with, and it doesn't get any better through eternal repetition by a neverending string of bad authors.
EXCERPT:
This is just annoying.
My eyes opened groggily and my senses suddenly flew back into action. I felt a cool cloth against my forehead and a free sensation on my abdomen. What a relief, the bloody corset was gone.
A voice rang out that I recognized as Elizabeth’s and she cried, "Thank God you’re awake I thought you had died." *sigh* False hope.
I sat up quickly and fell quickly back down because of an extreme throbbing in my head.
I glanced around and asked, "What happened?"
Elizabeth bent down and started talking quickly, "You saved me by fainting... so thank you. Don’t get me wrong it’s terrible you passed out but you see it helped me."
Confused I asked, "How so?"
She took a deep breath and said, "I was coming in with Will and when you fainted he pushed me back so I wasn’t seen by Commodore or your father." So...how exactly was her fainting a necessity to this interaction? Why would Will push her back because some stupid girl fainted? It seems like if they're having a clandestine affair her mere presence would cause Will to try and hide Elizabeth, not her being unconscious.
I smirked and said, "So this is interesting. Let me get this straight you love Will but married the Commodore who in my opinion is boring and stuffy but now you’re sneaking around with dear William behind the fruitcake’s unsuspecting back." Why is she maligning my Commodore? Is she trying to make me get violent?
She looked slightly stunned and whispered, "Well you’re a blunt one... and I am NOT married to, to, to him."
I shrugged and said, "Than you’re engaged. Same thing."
She sighed and suddenly looked scared, "You can’t tell anyone." She said her voice squeaking. When did Elizabeth's voice ever squeak? For that matter when did she ever look scared except in the face of supernatural horrors?
I gave her an amused look and said, "Don’t worry I’m not a rat your little secret out. I for on me don’t understand why you don’t just get rid of him." Because this is an assinine story and the person who wrote it wrote this assinine plotline did so only to make you, idiotic Sue, look smarter and better than the canonical characters.
"Well you see my father..." and her voice trailed off.
I glanced at her and said, "Let me guess you’re Daddy’s Little Girl." And you're an obnoxious bitch. What is it with these especially irritating Sues lately?
She looked confused and said, "Aren’t you."
I snorted and said, "No. Let’s not go any further than that."
Elizabeth know struck with curiosity whined, "Oh no you must tell me." She "whined?" I'm becoming angry.
I shrugged and said casually, "Hmmmmm let me think. I’ve run away, won drinking contests, ones that consist of rum most of the time." Elizabeth’s eyes widened as I continued. "I blew up a pirates ship when he kicked me out of bar." I paused to think. "No I blew up some one else’s ship... I believe that man lost an ear when he kicked me out. I don’t really want to go into any more details." Please don't. This pathetic, transparent attempt to seem tough and cool is making me ill.
Elizabeth looked at me silently and I raised my eyebrows and said, "What?"
She shook her head and said, "You sound like a pirate."
I rolled my eyes and said, "That took you a while." Please die now, bitch.
This caught her off guard and she said, "What?"
I tilted my head and said, "You see when I ran away I ran off to Tortuga. You see it was the last place my father would look. I worked as a barmaid until I met Captain Damorte. You see You see, there ways to begin sentences other than with "you see." he became interested in me when I beat the hell out of some other Captain who groped me. Where is she finding all of these punk ass pirates? Turns out they were enemies and I saved him from fighting a fight he didn’t want to fight. Sorry about how much I used the word fight. So he took me in, made me part of his crew and taught me the ways of a pirate."
Elizabeth slack jawed again asked, "Why did you return home?" Either my tolerancy needs to be built back up after my little break or watching this Suethor making Elizabeth unaccountably impressed by this little idiot's stupid exploits is really, really, especially annoying.
I shook my head remembering and said, "I got drunk, passed out and woke in some other ship sailing for my old home the next day. Turns out the men looking for me were in that town and just happened to walk into that bar." I sighed. "Father kept me locked away until we moved here. He probably figures I don’t have any way of escape." Happily, my escape is to stop reading this shit right here.
On to the Sue. I was going to report one that the author openly admitted was a knock-off of Lara Croft of Tomb Raider fame but the pollen count was high today and I already had a sinus headache so...some other time.
TITLE: Wild Streak
CULPRIT: RileySparrow
SUMMARY: "Emily Raven the daughter of the Govener of Singapore is not what meets the eye. A wild daughter and secretly a pirate Emily is a could kick in the butt to anyone who gets in her way. And when she manages to runaway again Jack Sparrow isn't the only who"
BEST LINE: "A heap of four letter words escaped my mouth and I knew if my grandmother was here she would have passed out. Not that I cared though, I often hoped the nagging witch would die of suffocation from these damn corsets. She calls them a gift from God, I call them a gift from Hell (when I told her that she gasped raised her hand to her forehead and passed out, as for me I smiled and left her there.)" Young people with respect for their elders just warms your heart, doesn't it?
THE VERDICT
It's a short drop and a sudden stop for you.
NAME: Emily Raven You know, it actually surprises me that there aren't more Sues with bird-inspired surnames. Not that lack of frequency excuses this stupidity...it's just surprising.
EYES: "strikingly blue"
HAIR: "very light brown" "So light it’s slightly blond too"
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: none
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: Her "trusty sword and pistol"
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: The daughter of the Governor of Singapore, apparently. And a "secret pirate," whatever the hell that's supposed to mean.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Mr. Gibbs' left big toe. We've been here before, haven't we?
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Making me sadly consider the state of today's youth since they think disrespect and disregard of their elders is humorous and/or a sign of independence/toughness...and I only just turned 20.
THE "PLOT": We open with Sue throwing a tantrum because they're moving to Port Royal. Who knows why. After wishing death on her grandmother, Sue stomps off thinking how when her life isn't going well she makes everyone else's life miserable too. Charming, isn't she? Anyway, the next scene is her grandmother forcing her into a corset and its only real purpose is so that her grandmother can awkwardly describe the Sue's appearance to the reader by illogically describing it to Sue herself. Next I discover that a "secret pirate" must not actually sail anywhere since Sue faints six times on the way to Port Royal. Once they get there Sue is still a whiny bitch who doesn't like anyone or anything, and Elizabeth is inexplicably engaged to Commodore Norrington. Sue sneaks away from her welcoming party to Will's shop and faints at the sight of all of the purdy swords. When she wakes up Elizabeth has taken her back to her room...or somewhere. The author then decides that a good way to make her character look good and independent is to have Elizabeth only engaged to the Commodore because of her father, even though she's actually in love with Will and to have Sue point out how stupid this is. Anyway, Sue reveals to Elizabeth some inane story about her running away and being a pirate that you can find in the excerpt. Then the pirates attack and Sue decides that she'll go and kill them all to get away, but then she just sneaks aboard a cargo ship and gets a huge bottle of rum. Lets hope she drinks it all and dies of alchohol poisoning.
NOTES: Run of the mill complete and total crap Sueage. Why is it that none of the people writing these stories realize that there are five thousand other people at the Pit writing the same exact story?
It's not a very good story to begin with, and it doesn't get any better through eternal repetition by a neverending string of bad authors.
EXCERPT:
This is just annoying.
My eyes opened groggily and my senses suddenly flew back into action. I felt a cool cloth against my forehead and a free sensation on my abdomen. What a relief, the bloody corset was gone.
A voice rang out that I recognized as Elizabeth’s and she cried, "Thank God you’re awake I thought you had died." *sigh* False hope.
I sat up quickly and fell quickly back down because of an extreme throbbing in my head.
I glanced around and asked, "What happened?"
Elizabeth bent down and started talking quickly, "You saved me by fainting... so thank you. Don’t get me wrong it’s terrible you passed out but you see it helped me."
Confused I asked, "How so?"
She took a deep breath and said, "I was coming in with Will and when you fainted he pushed me back so I wasn’t seen by Commodore or your father." So...how exactly was her fainting a necessity to this interaction? Why would Will push her back because some stupid girl fainted? It seems like if they're having a clandestine affair her mere presence would cause Will to try and hide Elizabeth, not her being unconscious.
I smirked and said, "So this is interesting. Let me get this straight you love Will but married the Commodore who in my opinion is boring and stuffy but now you’re sneaking around with dear William behind the fruitcake’s unsuspecting back." Why is she maligning my Commodore? Is she trying to make me get violent?
She looked slightly stunned and whispered, "Well you’re a blunt one... and I am NOT married to, to, to him."
I shrugged and said, "Than you’re engaged. Same thing."
She sighed and suddenly looked scared, "You can’t tell anyone." She said her voice squeaking. When did Elizabeth's voice ever squeak? For that matter when did she ever look scared except in the face of supernatural horrors?
I gave her an amused look and said, "Don’t worry I’m not a rat your little secret out. I for on me don’t understand why you don’t just get rid of him." Because this is an assinine story and the person who wrote it wrote this assinine plotline did so only to make you, idiotic Sue, look smarter and better than the canonical characters.
"Well you see my father..." and her voice trailed off.
I glanced at her and said, "Let me guess you’re Daddy’s Little Girl." And you're an obnoxious bitch. What is it with these especially irritating Sues lately?
She looked confused and said, "Aren’t you."
I snorted and said, "No. Let’s not go any further than that."
Elizabeth know struck with curiosity whined, "Oh no you must tell me." She "whined?" I'm becoming angry.
I shrugged and said casually, "Hmmmmm let me think. I’ve run away, won drinking contests, ones that consist of rum most of the time." Elizabeth’s eyes widened as I continued. "I blew up a pirates ship when he kicked me out of bar." I paused to think. "No I blew up some one else’s ship... I believe that man lost an ear when he kicked me out. I don’t really want to go into any more details." Please don't. This pathetic, transparent attempt to seem tough and cool is making me ill.
Elizabeth looked at me silently and I raised my eyebrows and said, "What?"
She shook her head and said, "You sound like a pirate."
I rolled my eyes and said, "That took you a while." Please die now, bitch.
This caught her off guard and she said, "What?"
I tilted my head and said, "You see when I ran away I ran off to Tortuga. You see it was the last place my father would look. I worked as a barmaid until I met Captain Damorte. You see You see, there ways to begin sentences other than with "you see." he became interested in me when I beat the hell out of some other Captain who groped me. Where is she finding all of these punk ass pirates? Turns out they were enemies and I saved him from fighting a fight he didn’t want to fight. Sorry about how much I used the word fight. So he took me in, made me part of his crew and taught me the ways of a pirate."
Elizabeth slack jawed again asked, "Why did you return home?" Either my tolerancy needs to be built back up after my little break or watching this Suethor making Elizabeth unaccountably impressed by this little idiot's stupid exploits is really, really, especially annoying.
I shook my head remembering and said, "I got drunk, passed out and woke in some other ship sailing for my old home the next day. Turns out the men looking for me were in that town and just happened to walk into that bar." I sighed. "Father kept me locked away until we moved here. He probably figures I don’t have any way of escape." Happily, my escape is to stop reading this shit right here.