Natalie Finch
Sorry about the sporadic Sueage lately, been having some time constraints. I should be back to my normal reporting schedule next week if not sooner.
And now for some pimping. If you haven't already go and read araeph's latest PPC. The fic was horrific and the PPC is hilarious. And you should also go and take a look at wolfychan's wonderful MST of "Changeling?" here and here.
Now, onto the Sue, which inspires violent tendencies in me.
TITLE: Yesterday a Pirate Saved My Life
CULPRIT: Jack Sparrow's Only Love
SUMMARY: "Natalie Finch, a suicidal girl from 2004, throws herself into the sea to die. But she is soon saved by someone who will teach her life is worth living. JackOC"
BEST LINE: Take your pick. Most are equally stupid.
THE VERDICT
It's a short drop and a sudden stop for you.
NAME: Natalie Finch
EYES: not described
HAIR: not described
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: A stupid tattoo "of a sparrow above a banner that said ‘To Freedom and the Black Pearl’ in pirate-ish lettering."
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: An a 24k gold replica of the cursed pirate medallion.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: A modern girl who tries to committ suicide by throwing herself into the ocean, but ends up on the Black Pearl.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is Mr. Gibb's left big toe. Ok, not really, but I'm sick and tired of typing "Jack's true love" over and over again. I need to switch it up a bit.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Being amazingly obnoxious to Jack and never being retaliated against in any manner.
THE "PLOT": Sue's father abuses her, so she runs away one day and throws herself into the ocean. She wakes up on the Black Pearl. From there she harasses Jack, yells at him, hits him, and plays stupid "jokes" on him. And that's about it. Oh, and she has stupid conversations with the voices in her head about whether or not she's in love with Jack. Eventually she angsts to him about all the pain she's suffered and decides that she is in love with him.
NOTES: This story made me want to hurt things, this Sue was so effing obnoxious. I mean, it mystifies me that stuff like this is supposed to be funny.
This author's note was attached to the end of the second chapter:
"Hi! Thanx to PiratePrincess91, I hope you think this chapter is as good as the first. As for
SerpentotheElves IT IS NOT A MARY-SUE! Well, I don’t think it is. If it turns into one then tough! As for an
anonymous reader that called himself/herself Kill Mary Sue. I DON’T NEED THERAPY! IT’S JUST A
STORY! IT’S NOT REAL YOU IDIOT! Sorry, I got a little nuts for a second!
Please press the little review button or no Jack Sparrow in future chappies! Just kidding, I would never do
that to you! :D
Thanx for reading!"
And this one to the beginning of the third chapter:
"I love all you reviewers (as long as you’re nice) I say thank you to people who give CONSTRUCTIVE
critisicim, and all you flamers... go ahead, make my day! lol NO I DON’T MEAN IT PLEASE! NO
FLAMES!! *sqeak*"
Another mature and well-spoken author for the books.
EXCERPT:
Chapter One, in which Sue is melodramatic and stupid.
Natalie Finch sat in her room, waiting for her father to get home. Oh, she wasn’t happy when he was
home. Not after she received the traditional bruise anyway. She was sat there, on her bed, waiting for the
one sound that terrified her... the sounds of a key turning in the front door. She still had about ten minutes
until he came home.
‘why?’ she thought ‘I’m nineteen years old, why don’t I just leave?’ Because you're really stupid? her mother left her when she was ten,
after nine years of beatings she couldn’t take it any more.
The only things that made her happy was watching her PotC DVD, the tattoo she got (without her dad
knowing) on her lower back of a sparrow above a banner that said ‘To Freedom and the Black Pearl’ in
pirate-ish lettering, and finally an exact replica of the cursed pirate medallion (24K gold) that her only
friend Ashley Warren had given her before she left for America. More teenagers with impressive means. But then since we don't know anything about Ashley I guess she could be rich and like giving extravagent gifts to her friends.
There was nothing and no-one keeping her here. She hated England with all her heart. ‘I know what I have
to do.’ Run away and get a job and a life? Contact the authorities? She moved to her window and opened it. Just as she shimmied out onto the drainpipe, she heard
her father coming up the stairs, shouting her name. Reaching the ground she ran as if the Devil himself
was chasing her.
Finally, she reached the docks. She slowed to a walk and went to the edge of the platform. A fog had set
in, she couldn’t see very far. She took her pirate medallion out from underneath her T-shirt, and looked at
it. Thinking back, she realised that she had never been happy, not once. So, with tears streaming down
her face, softly she sang ‘Yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me’ and closing her eyes, she jumped into the ice
cold blue, and let darkness take her. Oh, so you're going to stupidly committ suicide instead of trying to solve your solvable problems? Ok then.
Chapter three, in which Sue is really obnoxious.
After Jack left to take the helm I sat there, staring into space just thinking. ‘How did I get here? I should be
glad I got to meed Jack but... something is twisted about this whole situation.’ I decided to get up, go out
there, and tell him where I come from. I got up, walked over to the door... and found it was locked. ‘I don’t
bloody believe it! What a scumbag!’ Yes, how dare he make sure some strange woman that just turned up out of nowhere in the middle of the ocean is secured in a cabin instead of wandering around his ship doing who knows what! I swear Sues have one hell of a wrongful sense of entitlement. I started kicking the door, not too hard at first. Then I’d had enough. I
braced my left leg against the floor, and kicked the door with all of my strength... the door rattled a bit.
‘That’s it? Hm, didn’t look that strong...’ Then I heard a key turning in the lock. I backed up not wanting to
be hit in the face by a door. It was Jack.
“What th’ ‘ell was all that bangin’?” The sounds of an idiot trying to break out of a room for no reason.
I glared at him, then I thought of an answer that would really annoy the hell out of him. Because you're an obnoxious bitch.
“Trying to kick the door of of it’s hinges.” I said.
He looked at me wide eyed, then he glared at me.
“Wha’ th’ bloody ‘ell were ye doin’ tha’ fer!?” For the same reason you're randomly dropping letters and sprinkling apostrophes through your speech: this fic is ass.
I smirked, knowing I’d just made the ‘Infamous Captain Jack Sparrow’ really pissed. Oh, Lord.
“Well if you insist on locking the bloody door then what do you expect me to do? Sit there like a good girl
and bore myself to death?” I wish you would. I mean, the part about dying.
His eyes were almost popping out of his head and he was making overblown gestures with his hands...
Well, more like his whole arms.
“Ye bloody ‘ellcat! I’ll toss ye overboard if ye do that again!” Why wait until the next time? Just get rid of her now.
I was trying so hard not to laugh I thought my ribs would crack! Well I'm glad you find being an asshat and antagonizing people who hold your life in their hands humorous.
“Well then CAPTAIN give me something to do!”
That made him stop. He tugged on his braided beard, thinking.
“Well... Ye can swab th’ deck an’ do th’ washin’. Or, ye could cook.” He grinned.
‘Smug git’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘He’s really enjoying this. Well, I’ll show him!’
“I’ll do both Captain Sparrow.”
‘Ha! That’s got him!’ His eyes widened.
“Are ye sure luv? I’ts ‘ard work.”
“I’m perfectly sure thank you.”
So he called in Gibbs and told him to show me the kitchen, galley, Hmmm. Silly me thinking that the kitchen and the galley were the same damn thing. and the store room. I thanked him and
he walked away muttering about women being bad luck aboard a ship. I grinned at that. And so, I set to
work making lunch. I found the perfect stuff to make soup, Quite a feat on a pirate ship out in the middle of the ocean. and worked quickly. My friend, Ashley, had
given me cooking lesson for years, until she left that is. It was ready at about the right time for lunch. I put
all the bowls on the table with bread, and called out. I went on deck after eating mine in the kitchen, i didn’t
want to eat with everyone staring at me, and I didn’t want to drink or make small talk after. I sat on an
empty barrel, and looked out at the ocean. I heard footsteps, and turned to see who it was. It was a
woman. Ana Maria if I remember the movie (after seeing it about sixty times) correctly. You don't. This fic is proof of that.
“That was good soup lass, I’m Ana Maria.”
“Thanks Ana, I’m Natalie Finch.”
She looked at me strangely.
“No one’s ever called me Ana before. Maybe because it's not your name. I like it.” Only because you're trapped in a Suefic.
We grinned at each other and then jumped when we heard...
“Ah, ye be girl talkin’ then eh Ana Maria?” It was jack, again.
She whipped ‘round and slapped him.
“Now I’m sure I didn’t deserve tha’”
“Bloody man! I DON’T DO GIRL TALK!” with that she stormed off.
I was too busy laughing to notice that jack was looking at me like I’d just gone mad. Just? Bitch, try years ago.
“What?”
“Nothin’” He walked off, knowing that would annoy me. Well, for someone who likes to be an ass to people you're awfully easy to annoy.
Chapter four in which Sue abuses Jack and Babelfish.
~~Natalie’s POV~~
I was ‘swabbin’ th’ deck’ as that bloody loony would put it. Things like ‘this sucks’ and ‘why me?’ kept
running through my mind. One of my rings had fallen off, and as I bent down to pick it up, I heard what
would surely make my day miserable... well, even more anyway.
“Nice view lass.” came Jacks amused voice.
Whipping ‘round, I glared at him. But this was the kind of glare that once made my own best friend back
away looking scared... and the sod didn’t even flinch. Why shock and tarnation the glare from a teenage girl that made another teenage girl back away doesn't affect a full-grown seasoned pirate captain. Well, who the fuck would'a thunk it? So, thinking I could at least piss him off, I put on a
sickly sweet smile.
“Good afternoon CAPTAIN Sparrow.” He grinned at the way I said captain. “I would like to tell you
something...” I put down the mop and walked over to him, getting as close as I would allow myself to
because the man smelt so strongly of rum, I quickly grabbed his collar and pulled his face an inch in front
of mine, I said “Look at me like that again and I’LL PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT!” yelling that as loud as I
could. I smiled, knowing that the entire crew saw me grab him and heard me yelling, and returned to
‘swabbing’ as the captain, breathing hard through his nose in anger, stomped off to the helm barking at
anyone within four feet of him. Wishing creatively painful death on fictional characters doesn't make me a sociopath does it?
~~Jacks POV~~
‘Bloody woman’ I was sat in me cabin, bottle o’ rum in me ‘and, fumin’ jus’ because o’ tha’ bloody wench.
“I’ll get ‘er back somehow.” I muttered. How about you toss her ass over the side of your ship? Or at least throw her in the brig.
I suddenly ‘ad th’ bes’ idea ever. But it wouldn’t be funny if I did it now... Soon though. Soon I was gonna
make ‘er rue the day she said that to me.
~~Natalie’s POV~~
I was leaning on the railing, looking out at the sun setting, when I had a thought... ‘I’m gonna make a fool
out of that drunken idiot!’ I grinned as my plan... well, scheme, came into place. And then, for the first time
in my life, it was like there were two voices in me. There was voice number one, which is the sarcastic me,
and there’s voice number two, the nicer me. Voice number two decided to stick her oar in. ‘You don’t just
think of him as a drunken idiot do you?’ Voice number one snapped ‘No, I think he’s a sleazy git too.’
Voice number two then shocked me completely. ‘You fancy him, don’t you.’ I widened my eyes. ‘NO I
DON’T’ ‘Oh yes you do. You love the way he grins, you love his eyes, you love the way his hips sway when
he walks. ADMIT IT!’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘You’re a pushy bitch you know that? You have that in common. I mean no! I do not fancy
Jack Sparrow.’ Voice number two finished. ‘You will’ I was fuming by then. And the funny part was, I was
fuming with myself! ‘Oh well.’
So cursing my ‘voices’ and thinking I was going nuts. I think I'm going nuts from reading this. I went down to the galley to make dinner. Halfway
through dinner, I had another idea that I could add to my scheme... so when the first crewmember came
into the galley, Gibbs, I asked him a question.
“Gibbs, can CAPTAIN Sparrow speak Spanish?”
He couldn’t help but grin at the way I said captain. Why is everyone so amused by this? It's not funny. It's just stupid. Then they could just be grinning to patronize the obviously insane girl. Yeah, I'll stick with that. “He can lass. What of it?”
“Oh, nothing.” I think I said that a little too quickly because he narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out what I
was up to...
So, after dinner, when everyone was on deck, I walked over to the railing and pretended to cry noisily. I
saw Jack give the wheel to Gibbs, and walk over to me.
“Wha’s th’ matter luv?”
I grinned from behind my hands, this would get him. “Odio mi vida! (I hate my life!) Yo lo odio, la
tripulación, este barco.. Adiós. (I hate you, the crew, this ship... Goodbye.)” Why is it necessary to say any of this in Spanish?
His eye’s widened, firstly because I was speaking Spanish, and secondly because of what I said.
As I prepared to dive off of the ship he shouted. “Lass no!” He jumped onto the rail, and I dodged him, so
he fell into the freezing cold ocean, and I stood on the deck, cracking up. By the time the crew got him
back onto the deck, I was bent double, gasping for breath, tears running down my face from laughter. I
looked up into the completely wet, and completely pissed, face of Jack Sparrow, who was sporting a
scowl.
“YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN YOUR FACE!” I practically screeched because I was laughing so hard. “YOU
REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DO IT!” Putting aside the homicidal urges that have risen in me from reading this I must note: you did before... I composed myself, with difficulty, and smirked at him.
“YE BLOODY ‘ELLCAT! WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE CODE DID YE DO THA’ FER?” I just stood in
front of him as he yelled at me.
“Because, CAPTAIN, not only do you deserve it, but it was bloody funny!” No, he didn't. And no, it wasn't. He glared at me before talking in
a much calmer tone.
“Where did ye learn Spanish lass?”
I blinked at him. “The same place I learned French.”
He looked at me, disbelieving. Most people could in those days, ass. Get over yourself. “Ye can speak French too?”
“Je peux en effet. (I can indeed)” He looked a little impressed God knows why. so I decided to show off.
“Aposto-o não sabe este. (I bet you don't know this one.)”
When he looked confused I said. “Portuguese.” He nodded. So then I decided I may as well put the icing
on the cake.
“Ik zou een Vrouw kunnen zijn, maar onderschat niet mij. (I may be a Woman, but don't
underestimate me.)” I climbed to the crows nest to be in peace.
“Hm, Dutch too. Woman knows ‘er stuff at least. I don't often like to request such things...but please, someone kill her for me?
And now for some pimping. If you haven't already go and read araeph's latest PPC. The fic was horrific and the PPC is hilarious. And you should also go and take a look at wolfychan's wonderful MST of "Changeling?" here and here.
Now, onto the Sue, which inspires violent tendencies in me.
TITLE: Yesterday a Pirate Saved My Life
CULPRIT: Jack Sparrow's Only Love
SUMMARY: "Natalie Finch, a suicidal girl from 2004, throws herself into the sea to die. But she is soon saved by someone who will teach her life is worth living. JackOC"
BEST LINE: Take your pick. Most are equally stupid.
THE VERDICT
It's a short drop and a sudden stop for you.
NAME: Natalie Finch
EYES: not described
HAIR: not described
DISTINGUISHING FEATURES: A stupid tattoo "of a sparrow above a banner that said ‘To Freedom and the Black Pearl’ in pirate-ish lettering."
OH SO SPESHUL POSSESSIONS: An a 24k gold replica of the cursed pirate medallion.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE ORIGIN: A modern girl who tries to committ suicide by throwing herself into the ocean, but ends up on the Black Pearl.
OBNOXIOUS AND/OR IMPLAUSIBLE CANON CONNECTIONS/AFFILIATIONS: Is Mr. Gibb's left big toe. Ok, not really, but I'm sick and tired of typing "Jack's true love" over and over again. I need to switch it up a bit.
SOOPER SPESHUL ABILITIES: Being amazingly obnoxious to Jack and never being retaliated against in any manner.
THE "PLOT": Sue's father abuses her, so she runs away one day and throws herself into the ocean. She wakes up on the Black Pearl. From there she harasses Jack, yells at him, hits him, and plays stupid "jokes" on him. And that's about it. Oh, and she has stupid conversations with the voices in her head about whether or not she's in love with Jack. Eventually she angsts to him about all the pain she's suffered and decides that she is in love with him.
NOTES: This story made me want to hurt things, this Sue was so effing obnoxious. I mean, it mystifies me that stuff like this is supposed to be funny.
This author's note was attached to the end of the second chapter:
"Hi! Thanx to PiratePrincess91, I hope you think this chapter is as good as the first. As for
SerpentotheElves IT IS NOT A MARY-SUE! Well, I don’t think it is. If it turns into one then tough! As for an
anonymous reader that called himself/herself Kill Mary Sue. I DON’T NEED THERAPY! IT’S JUST A
STORY! IT’S NOT REAL YOU IDIOT! Sorry, I got a little nuts for a second!
Please press the little review button or no Jack Sparrow in future chappies! Just kidding, I would never do
that to you! :D
Thanx for reading!"
And this one to the beginning of the third chapter:
"I love all you reviewers (as long as you’re nice) I say thank you to people who give CONSTRUCTIVE
critisicim, and all you flamers... go ahead, make my day! lol NO I DON’T MEAN IT PLEASE! NO
FLAMES!! *sqeak*"
Another mature and well-spoken author for the books.
EXCERPT:
Chapter One, in which Sue is melodramatic and stupid.
Natalie Finch sat in her room, waiting for her father to get home. Oh, she wasn’t happy when he was
home. Not after she received the traditional bruise anyway. She was sat there, on her bed, waiting for the
one sound that terrified her... the sounds of a key turning in the front door. She still had about ten minutes
until he came home.
‘why?’ she thought ‘I’m nineteen years old, why don’t I just leave?’ Because you're really stupid? her mother left her when she was ten,
after nine years of beatings she couldn’t take it any more.
The only things that made her happy was watching her PotC DVD, the tattoo she got (without her dad
knowing) on her lower back of a sparrow above a banner that said ‘To Freedom and the Black Pearl’ in
pirate-ish lettering, and finally an exact replica of the cursed pirate medallion (24K gold) that her only
friend Ashley Warren had given her before she left for America. More teenagers with impressive means. But then since we don't know anything about Ashley I guess she could be rich and like giving extravagent gifts to her friends.
There was nothing and no-one keeping her here. She hated England with all her heart. ‘I know what I have
to do.’ Run away and get a job and a life? Contact the authorities? She moved to her window and opened it. Just as she shimmied out onto the drainpipe, she heard
her father coming up the stairs, shouting her name. Reaching the ground she ran as if the Devil himself
was chasing her.
Finally, she reached the docks. She slowed to a walk and went to the edge of the platform. A fog had set
in, she couldn’t see very far. She took her pirate medallion out from underneath her T-shirt, and looked at
it. Thinking back, she realised that she had never been happy, not once. So, with tears streaming down
her face, softly she sang ‘Yo ho yo ho a pirates life for me’ and closing her eyes, she jumped into the ice
cold blue, and let darkness take her. Oh, so you're going to stupidly committ suicide instead of trying to solve your solvable problems? Ok then.
Chapter three, in which Sue is really obnoxious.
After Jack left to take the helm I sat there, staring into space just thinking. ‘How did I get here? I should be
glad I got to meed Jack but... something is twisted about this whole situation.’ I decided to get up, go out
there, and tell him where I come from. I got up, walked over to the door... and found it was locked. ‘I don’t
bloody believe it! What a scumbag!’ Yes, how dare he make sure some strange woman that just turned up out of nowhere in the middle of the ocean is secured in a cabin instead of wandering around his ship doing who knows what! I swear Sues have one hell of a wrongful sense of entitlement. I started kicking the door, not too hard at first. Then I’d had enough. I
braced my left leg against the floor, and kicked the door with all of my strength... the door rattled a bit.
‘That’s it? Hm, didn’t look that strong...’ Then I heard a key turning in the lock. I backed up not wanting to
be hit in the face by a door. It was Jack.
“What th’ ‘ell was all that bangin’?” The sounds of an idiot trying to break out of a room for no reason.
I glared at him, then I thought of an answer that would really annoy the hell out of him. Because you're an obnoxious bitch.
“Trying to kick the door of of it’s hinges.” I said.
He looked at me wide eyed, then he glared at me.
“Wha’ th’ bloody ‘ell were ye doin’ tha’ fer!?” For the same reason you're randomly dropping letters and sprinkling apostrophes through your speech: this fic is ass.
I smirked, knowing I’d just made the ‘Infamous Captain Jack Sparrow’ really pissed. Oh, Lord.
“Well if you insist on locking the bloody door then what do you expect me to do? Sit there like a good girl
and bore myself to death?” I wish you would. I mean, the part about dying.
His eyes were almost popping out of his head and he was making overblown gestures with his hands...
Well, more like his whole arms.
“Ye bloody ‘ellcat! I’ll toss ye overboard if ye do that again!” Why wait until the next time? Just get rid of her now.
I was trying so hard not to laugh I thought my ribs would crack! Well I'm glad you find being an asshat and antagonizing people who hold your life in their hands humorous.
“Well then CAPTAIN give me something to do!”
That made him stop. He tugged on his braided beard, thinking.
“Well... Ye can swab th’ deck an’ do th’ washin’. Or, ye could cook.” He grinned.
‘Smug git’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘He’s really enjoying this. Well, I’ll show him!’
“I’ll do both Captain Sparrow.”
‘Ha! That’s got him!’ His eyes widened.
“Are ye sure luv? I’ts ‘ard work.”
“I’m perfectly sure thank you.”
So he called in Gibbs and told him to show me the kitchen, galley, Hmmm. Silly me thinking that the kitchen and the galley were the same damn thing. and the store room. I thanked him and
he walked away muttering about women being bad luck aboard a ship. I grinned at that. And so, I set to
work making lunch. I found the perfect stuff to make soup, Quite a feat on a pirate ship out in the middle of the ocean. and worked quickly. My friend, Ashley, had
given me cooking lesson for years, until she left that is. It was ready at about the right time for lunch. I put
all the bowls on the table with bread, and called out. I went on deck after eating mine in the kitchen, i didn’t
want to eat with everyone staring at me, and I didn’t want to drink or make small talk after. I sat on an
empty barrel, and looked out at the ocean. I heard footsteps, and turned to see who it was. It was a
woman. Ana Maria if I remember the movie (after seeing it about sixty times) correctly. You don't. This fic is proof of that.
“That was good soup lass, I’m Ana Maria.”
“Thanks Ana, I’m Natalie Finch.”
She looked at me strangely.
“No one’s ever called me Ana before. Maybe because it's not your name. I like it.” Only because you're trapped in a Suefic.
We grinned at each other and then jumped when we heard...
“Ah, ye be girl talkin’ then eh Ana Maria?” It was jack, again.
She whipped ‘round and slapped him.
“Now I’m sure I didn’t deserve tha’”
“Bloody man! I DON’T DO GIRL TALK!” with that she stormed off.
I was too busy laughing to notice that jack was looking at me like I’d just gone mad. Just? Bitch, try years ago.
“What?”
“Nothin’” He walked off, knowing that would annoy me. Well, for someone who likes to be an ass to people you're awfully easy to annoy.
Chapter four in which Sue abuses Jack and Babelfish.
~~Natalie’s POV~~
I was ‘swabbin’ th’ deck’ as that bloody loony would put it. Things like ‘this sucks’ and ‘why me?’ kept
running through my mind. One of my rings had fallen off, and as I bent down to pick it up, I heard what
would surely make my day miserable... well, even more anyway.
“Nice view lass.” came Jacks amused voice.
Whipping ‘round, I glared at him. But this was the kind of glare that once made my own best friend back
away looking scared... and the sod didn’t even flinch. Why shock and tarnation the glare from a teenage girl that made another teenage girl back away doesn't affect a full-grown seasoned pirate captain. Well, who the fuck would'a thunk it? So, thinking I could at least piss him off, I put on a
sickly sweet smile.
“Good afternoon CAPTAIN Sparrow.” He grinned at the way I said captain. “I would like to tell you
something...” I put down the mop and walked over to him, getting as close as I would allow myself to
because the man smelt so strongly of rum, I quickly grabbed his collar and pulled his face an inch in front
of mine, I said “Look at me like that again and I’LL PUNCH YOUR LIGHTS OUT!” yelling that as loud as I
could. I smiled, knowing that the entire crew saw me grab him and heard me yelling, and returned to
‘swabbing’ as the captain, breathing hard through his nose in anger, stomped off to the helm barking at
anyone within four feet of him. Wishing creatively painful death on fictional characters doesn't make me a sociopath does it?
~~Jacks POV~~
‘Bloody woman’ I was sat in me cabin, bottle o’ rum in me ‘and, fumin’ jus’ because o’ tha’ bloody wench.
“I’ll get ‘er back somehow.” I muttered. How about you toss her ass over the side of your ship? Or at least throw her in the brig.
I suddenly ‘ad th’ bes’ idea ever. But it wouldn’t be funny if I did it now... Soon though. Soon I was gonna
make ‘er rue the day she said that to me.
~~Natalie’s POV~~
I was leaning on the railing, looking out at the sun setting, when I had a thought... ‘I’m gonna make a fool
out of that drunken idiot!’ I grinned as my plan... well, scheme, came into place. And then, for the first time
in my life, it was like there were two voices in me. There was voice number one, which is the sarcastic me,
and there’s voice number two, the nicer me. Voice number two decided to stick her oar in. ‘You don’t just
think of him as a drunken idiot do you?’ Voice number one snapped ‘No, I think he’s a sleazy git too.’
Voice number two then shocked me completely. ‘You fancy him, don’t you.’ I widened my eyes. ‘NO I
DON’T’ ‘Oh yes you do. You love the way he grins, you love his eyes, you love the way his hips sway when
he walks. ADMIT IT!’ I narrowed my eyes. ‘You’re a pushy bitch you know that? You have that in common. I mean no! I do not fancy
Jack Sparrow.’ Voice number two finished. ‘You will’ I was fuming by then. And the funny part was, I was
fuming with myself! ‘Oh well.’
So cursing my ‘voices’ and thinking I was going nuts. I think I'm going nuts from reading this. I went down to the galley to make dinner. Halfway
through dinner, I had another idea that I could add to my scheme... so when the first crewmember came
into the galley, Gibbs, I asked him a question.
“Gibbs, can CAPTAIN Sparrow speak Spanish?”
He couldn’t help but grin at the way I said captain. Why is everyone so amused by this? It's not funny. It's just stupid. Then they could just be grinning to patronize the obviously insane girl. Yeah, I'll stick with that. “He can lass. What of it?”
“Oh, nothing.” I think I said that a little too quickly because he narrowed his eyes, trying to figure out what I
was up to...
So, after dinner, when everyone was on deck, I walked over to the railing and pretended to cry noisily. I
saw Jack give the wheel to Gibbs, and walk over to me.
“Wha’s th’ matter luv?”
I grinned from behind my hands, this would get him. “Odio mi vida! (I hate my life!) Yo lo odio, la
tripulación, este barco.. Adiós. (I hate you, the crew, this ship... Goodbye.)” Why is it necessary to say any of this in Spanish?
His eye’s widened, firstly because I was speaking Spanish, and secondly because of what I said.
As I prepared to dive off of the ship he shouted. “Lass no!” He jumped onto the rail, and I dodged him, so
he fell into the freezing cold ocean, and I stood on the deck, cracking up. By the time the crew got him
back onto the deck, I was bent double, gasping for breath, tears running down my face from laughter. I
looked up into the completely wet, and completely pissed, face of Jack Sparrow, who was sporting a
scowl.
“YOU SHOULD’VE SEEN YOUR FACE!” I practically screeched because I was laughing so hard. “YOU
REALLY THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DO IT!” Putting aside the homicidal urges that have risen in me from reading this I must note: you did before... I composed myself, with difficulty, and smirked at him.
“YE BLOODY ‘ELLCAT! WHAT IN THE NAME OF THE CODE DID YE DO THA’ FER?” I just stood in
front of him as he yelled at me.
“Because, CAPTAIN, not only do you deserve it, but it was bloody funny!” No, he didn't. And no, it wasn't. He glared at me before talking in
a much calmer tone.
“Where did ye learn Spanish lass?”
I blinked at him. “The same place I learned French.”
He looked at me, disbelieving. Most people could in those days, ass. Get over yourself. “Ye can speak French too?”
“Je peux en effet. (I can indeed)” He looked a little impressed God knows why. so I decided to show off.
“Aposto-o não sabe este. (I bet you don't know this one.)”
When he looked confused I said. “Portuguese.” He nodded. So then I decided I may as well put the icing
on the cake.
“Ik zou een Vrouw kunnen zijn, maar onderschat niet mij. (I may be a Woman, but don't
underestimate me.)” I climbed to the crows nest to be in peace.
“Hm, Dutch too. Woman knows ‘er stuff at least. I don't often like to request such things...but please, someone kill her for me?