LJ Idol Week 3, in which fandom idiots are the petaQ of the town
petaQ: Klingon word that more or less translates to "dishonorable dipshit." It can also imply "idiotic dipshit", "annoying dipshit", or any other species or variety of dipshit that floats your boat. Or sinks it.
PetaQ is often used by Klingons in the Star Trek universe to express displeasure or annoyance with fellow Klingons or other humanoid life forms. It is also used by giant nerds on the internet who want to tell someone off in Klingon but don't know how to say Hab SoSlI' Quch! (translation: your mother has a smooth forehead). In other words, nothing simultaneously says "I'm a giant fandom dweeb!" and "I'm really pissed off!" quite like a sharply shouted petaQ! So in honor of disgruntled Klingons everywhere and the fandom dweebs who love them, let's shine the dishonorable spotlight of shame on...
Six types of total petaQs in every fandom who need to STFU and GTFO
This precise categorization of dipshits actually started to mentally form in my head quite some time ago, based on a delectable selection of douchebags in the MST3K fandom of all random-ass places*, but then I realized - these same dipshits kept cropping up in the Harry Potter fandom too. And the X-Files fandom. And the Star Trek fandom. And all sorts of gaming fandoms. And...well...you get the idea.
petaQ species #1
THE FANDOM MENACE aka SLIME LORD
Be they creepy PM senders, opportunistic slimeballs at conventions, inappropriate comment leavers, or garden variety social media ankle humpers, their skeezey stench can be smelled a mile away. They're the ones who descend upon female fans with all the table manners of a rabid werewolf in heat and attempt an extremely unwelcome mating ritual. Anything from a polite "please leave me alone" to a significantly more forceful "OMG FUCK OFF!" is either cheerily ignored or met with a passive-aggressive (if not outright aggressive) response. Bonus points for guilt trippy retorts, accusations of snobbery, declarations of OMG FAKE GEEK GIRL, and rationalization along the lines of "your cosplay gives me a boner, therefore the boner is your problem."
petaQ species #2
THE MALFUNCTIONING ANDROID
So you're having a totally fun screwball fandom thread. Maybe it's a meme war or photoshop contest, maybe it's a Crackpot Fan Theory one-upsmanship festival, maybe it's one of those ridic things where you take the name of an episode and add "in my pants" after it to see who can get the most hilarious result. All's going well, until...
RED ALERT! You're getting hailed by petaQ of Borg, and they have come to Save The Day by informing you that actually, no episodes end with "In My Pants" and even if they did, it would be inconsistent with canon because characters in the canon universe don't wear pants, they wear kilts and ceremonial robes, and... well, you get the idea. Suffice it to say, this petaQ is not the droid you, or anyone else, is ever looking for.
(Let it be noted for the record that the Malfunctioning Android is vastly different from the Friendly Neighborhood Ravenclaw, who is no species of petaQ at all. Both may have ridiculous amounts of canon knowledge stored in their skulls, but the latter tends to use their powers for good, such as coming to the rescue with "what episode was..." or "which chapter had the scene where..." type questions, whereas the former is some sort of short-circuiting Dalek shell out to exterminate humor from the fandom.)
petaQ species #3
THE HERALD FROM ON HIGH
This jagoff used to live next door to Mark Hamill's cousin's dog or some shit. Or maybe he really is IRL acquaintances with someone involved with the production of your fandom's source material. Or maybe he knows a guy who knows a guy who hooked him up with a meeting with some other guys. Whatever the case may be, this clown fancies himself fandom aristocracy, a digital courtier who brushes elbows with the royal family themselves. And he'll never, EVER let you forget it. Fandom disagreement? High Herald steps in and speaks for the gods. Fandom rumor afoot? This all-seeing, all-knowing petaQ will squish it - and you! - like bugs beneath his mighty foot. Objection? Tough toads. The Holy Herald of Mount Olympus has Spoken! Too bad he's not so much a messenger of the gods as a slightly deranged postman.
petaQ species #4
THE GATEKEEPER
This mofo is the sole, self-appointed arbiter of who is and is not a True Fan [tm]. Sometimes the Gatekeeper's criteria is based on fandom knowledge (you mean you haven't memorized every last bit of content in your fandom's entire wiki? Out, infidel!), sometimes it's based on ownership of rare fandom collectibles and willingness\ability to purchase such collectibles (whaddayamean, you wanna pay rent and eventually send your kids to college? If you were a REAL fan, you'd buy this $200000000 second-hand Lego set without a second thought!) and sometimes it's based on where you stand on Very Important Fandom Issues. Picard fan? GET OUT, REAL FANS LIKE KIRK. Kirk fan? GET OUT, REAL FANS LIKE ALL CAPTAINS. Didn't particularly care for a certain episode or character? GET OUT, REAL FANS ACCEPT ALL SOURCE MATERIAL WITH GRATITUDE AND AWE. Think all the source material is great? GET OUT, NO REAL FAN LIKES [insert character\season\episode title here].
An encounter with a Gatekeeper tends to be a no-win situation. No matter what you do or what you say or what parts of canon you totally love, grudgingly accept, or completely disown, Gatekeeper's Schwartz is bigger than yours, and so shall it ever be.
petaQ species #5
THE PEACEKEEPER
Hey! You! Yes, you. What the hell do you think you're doing, discussing fandom in a fandom discussion forum?! Don't you realize discussion leads to OPINIONS?! And opinions lead to disagreements! And disagreements lead to the DARK SIDE, which leads to the poor, gentle Peacekeeper crying delicate sparkling tears because woe, their poor fragile flower of a soul can't handle any type of interaction that isn't some sort of warm fuzzy Romper Room circle jerk with acoustic guitars and Kumbaya. WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE PEACEKEEPERS?!
Of course, Peacekeepers don't actually keep peace. They just pitch a fit the moment anyone's claws come out or horns start locking or the first waves of passionate debate begin to stir the comfortably stagnant waters of their personal pee-filled kiddie pool (which is what they think the entire fandom is, of course). And who wants passion in fandom?! We can't have that, now can we? Of course not! So let's just push all the drama underground, because that'll totally make it go away. So instead of people being able to argue about their favorite Doctor or the ethics of House Elf Liberation in a reasonable and straightforward manner, the entire exchange takes place in the form of snipes, snark, and backbiting gossip exchanged via PMs and email chains. But out of sight, out of mind, right? Not like that shit's ever gonna bubble back up the surface, but with three times the original venom and explosive potential it had the first time around, is it? Of course not. Just ask the Peacekeeper. Because false love, mandatory hugs, and forced apologies are always the answer. As for the question...
petaQ species #6
THE HIJACKER
We've already established that, Peacekeeper delusions aside, fandom discussion groups generally exist to discuss fandom. Right? Well, yes. At least until this clown shows up.
A Hijacker's jackery is not the occasional reaching-out of a fandom regular in times of emotional hardship, nor is it the natural evolution of a thread that happens to veer off course. This is the EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME, repeat offender, drama llama professional derailer who walks their candy ass into every single fandom thread ever and purposefully lays pennies on the tracks to send that thing careening wildly off the rails in a truly spectacular fashion. It doesn't matter if you're analyzing subtext, recommending fanfic, throwing down about your favorite Hogwarts house, or gleefully hashing out the latest fandom rumors. Once the Hijacker shows up, the collision course coordinates have been laid in and disaster is imminent.
The Hijacker isn't so much a practitioner of the dark arts, as this would require the Hijacker to be at least somewhat artful. It's more that they're a master of really lame transfiguration spells. That Hogwarts House thread? Yeah, now it's a thread about Hijacker's personal dating woes. Or their favorite religious dogma that's tangentially related to the core values of some Hogwarts house. Or a dissertation on why [insert politician here] is secretly Dumbledore and\or Lord Voldemort out to save\destroy us all. And this happens in every single thread they show their sorry ass up to. Ever. And it's really damn annoying.
So always remember, fellow fandom geeks...
*I swear there's a scientific law somewhere that states the amount of absolute Srs Bzns batshit in any given fandom is inversely proportional to the seriousness of the source material.
[TEXT ONLY VERSION ON THE WAY]
PetaQ is often used by Klingons in the Star Trek universe to express displeasure or annoyance with fellow Klingons or other humanoid life forms. It is also used by giant nerds on the internet who want to tell someone off in Klingon but don't know how to say Hab SoSlI' Quch! (translation: your mother has a smooth forehead). In other words, nothing simultaneously says "I'm a giant fandom dweeb!" and "I'm really pissed off!" quite like a sharply shouted petaQ! So in honor of disgruntled Klingons everywhere and the fandom dweebs who love them, let's shine the dishonorable spotlight of shame on...
Six types of total petaQs in every fandom who need to STFU and GTFO
This precise categorization of dipshits actually started to mentally form in my head quite some time ago, based on a delectable selection of douchebags in the MST3K fandom of all random-ass places*, but then I realized - these same dipshits kept cropping up in the Harry Potter fandom too. And the X-Files fandom. And the Star Trek fandom. And all sorts of gaming fandoms. And...well...you get the idea.
petaQ species #1
THE FANDOM MENACE aka SLIME LORD
Be they creepy PM senders, opportunistic slimeballs at conventions, inappropriate comment leavers, or garden variety social media ankle humpers, their skeezey stench can be smelled a mile away. They're the ones who descend upon female fans with all the table manners of a rabid werewolf in heat and attempt an extremely unwelcome mating ritual. Anything from a polite "please leave me alone" to a significantly more forceful "OMG FUCK OFF!" is either cheerily ignored or met with a passive-aggressive (if not outright aggressive) response. Bonus points for guilt trippy retorts, accusations of snobbery, declarations of OMG FAKE GEEK GIRL, and rationalization along the lines of "your cosplay gives me a boner, therefore the boner is your problem."
petaQ species #2
THE MALFUNCTIONING ANDROID
So you're having a totally fun screwball fandom thread. Maybe it's a meme war or photoshop contest, maybe it's a Crackpot Fan Theory one-upsmanship festival, maybe it's one of those ridic things where you take the name of an episode and add "in my pants" after it to see who can get the most hilarious result. All's going well, until...
RED ALERT! You're getting hailed by petaQ of Borg, and they have come to Save The Day by informing you that actually, no episodes end with "In My Pants" and even if they did, it would be inconsistent with canon because characters in the canon universe don't wear pants, they wear kilts and ceremonial robes, and... well, you get the idea. Suffice it to say, this petaQ is not the droid you, or anyone else, is ever looking for.
(Let it be noted for the record that the Malfunctioning Android is vastly different from the Friendly Neighborhood Ravenclaw, who is no species of petaQ at all. Both may have ridiculous amounts of canon knowledge stored in their skulls, but the latter tends to use their powers for good, such as coming to the rescue with "what episode was..." or "which chapter had the scene where..." type questions, whereas the former is some sort of short-circuiting Dalek shell out to exterminate humor from the fandom.)
petaQ species #3
THE HERALD FROM ON HIGH
This jagoff used to live next door to Mark Hamill's cousin's dog or some shit. Or maybe he really is IRL acquaintances with someone involved with the production of your fandom's source material. Or maybe he knows a guy who knows a guy who hooked him up with a meeting with some other guys. Whatever the case may be, this clown fancies himself fandom aristocracy, a digital courtier who brushes elbows with the royal family themselves. And he'll never, EVER let you forget it. Fandom disagreement? High Herald steps in and speaks for the gods. Fandom rumor afoot? This all-seeing, all-knowing petaQ will squish it - and you! - like bugs beneath his mighty foot. Objection? Tough toads. The Holy Herald of Mount Olympus has Spoken! Too bad he's not so much a messenger of the gods as a slightly deranged postman.
petaQ species #4
THE GATEKEEPER
This mofo is the sole, self-appointed arbiter of who is and is not a True Fan [tm]. Sometimes the Gatekeeper's criteria is based on fandom knowledge (you mean you haven't memorized every last bit of content in your fandom's entire wiki? Out, infidel!), sometimes it's based on ownership of rare fandom collectibles and willingness\ability to purchase such collectibles (whaddayamean, you wanna pay rent and eventually send your kids to college? If you were a REAL fan, you'd buy this $200000000 second-hand Lego set without a second thought!) and sometimes it's based on where you stand on Very Important Fandom Issues. Picard fan? GET OUT, REAL FANS LIKE KIRK. Kirk fan? GET OUT, REAL FANS LIKE ALL CAPTAINS. Didn't particularly care for a certain episode or character? GET OUT, REAL FANS ACCEPT ALL SOURCE MATERIAL WITH GRATITUDE AND AWE. Think all the source material is great? GET OUT, NO REAL FAN LIKES [insert character\season\episode title here].
An encounter with a Gatekeeper tends to be a no-win situation. No matter what you do or what you say or what parts of canon you totally love, grudgingly accept, or completely disown, Gatekeeper's Schwartz is bigger than yours, and so shall it ever be.
petaQ species #5
THE PEACEKEEPER
Hey! You! Yes, you. What the hell do you think you're doing, discussing fandom in a fandom discussion forum?! Don't you realize discussion leads to OPINIONS?! And opinions lead to disagreements! And disagreements lead to the DARK SIDE, which leads to the poor, gentle Peacekeeper crying delicate sparkling tears because woe, their poor fragile flower of a soul can't handle any type of interaction that isn't some sort of warm fuzzy Romper Room circle jerk with acoustic guitars and Kumbaya. WON'T SOMEBODY THINK OF THE PEACEKEEPERS?!
Of course, Peacekeepers don't actually keep peace. They just pitch a fit the moment anyone's claws come out or horns start locking or the first waves of passionate debate begin to stir the comfortably stagnant waters of their personal pee-filled kiddie pool (which is what they think the entire fandom is, of course). And who wants passion in fandom?! We can't have that, now can we? Of course not! So let's just push all the drama underground, because that'll totally make it go away. So instead of people being able to argue about their favorite Doctor or the ethics of House Elf Liberation in a reasonable and straightforward manner, the entire exchange takes place in the form of snipes, snark, and backbiting gossip exchanged via PMs and email chains. But out of sight, out of mind, right? Not like that shit's ever gonna bubble back up the surface, but with three times the original venom and explosive potential it had the first time around, is it? Of course not. Just ask the Peacekeeper. Because false love, mandatory hugs, and forced apologies are always the answer. As for the question...
petaQ species #6
THE HIJACKER
We've already established that, Peacekeeper delusions aside, fandom discussion groups generally exist to discuss fandom. Right? Well, yes. At least until this clown shows up.
A Hijacker's jackery is not the occasional reaching-out of a fandom regular in times of emotional hardship, nor is it the natural evolution of a thread that happens to veer off course. This is the EVERYBODY LOOK AT ME, repeat offender, drama llama professional derailer who walks their candy ass into every single fandom thread ever and purposefully lays pennies on the tracks to send that thing careening wildly off the rails in a truly spectacular fashion. It doesn't matter if you're analyzing subtext, recommending fanfic, throwing down about your favorite Hogwarts house, or gleefully hashing out the latest fandom rumors. Once the Hijacker shows up, the collision course coordinates have been laid in and disaster is imminent.
The Hijacker isn't so much a practitioner of the dark arts, as this would require the Hijacker to be at least somewhat artful. It's more that they're a master of really lame transfiguration spells. That Hogwarts House thread? Yeah, now it's a thread about Hijacker's personal dating woes. Or their favorite religious dogma that's tangentially related to the core values of some Hogwarts house. Or a dissertation on why [insert politician here] is secretly Dumbledore and\or Lord Voldemort out to save\destroy us all. And this happens in every single thread they show their sorry ass up to. Ever. And it's really damn annoying.
So always remember, fellow fandom geeks...
*I swear there's a scientific law somewhere that states the amount of absolute Srs Bzns batshit in any given fandom is inversely proportional to the seriousness of the source material.
[TEXT ONLY VERSION ON THE WAY]