LJ Idol Week 1, in which the cards are unceremoniously cut
I've always been way more of a Halloween person than a Christmas person. I mean, it just makes sense. Halloween is all about acting ridiculous, begging for candy, and running around town dressed like an idiot while scaring the crap out of people. It's the one day of the year where my usual behavior patterns are not only accepted but celebrated!
And then there's Christmas, which is really just proof that if you put a bunch of sparkly lights on a giant clusterfuck, it's still a clusterfuck. I try to play along for the sake of the people around me, at least to some extent, and I've come to grudgingly accept if not full-out enjoy some yuletide traditions, but there's one that I hate, have always hated, and will continue to hate until my dying day.
Christmas cards.
Yes, THOSE. Those trite, ugly, overpriced pieces of foldable cardboard where people slap pictures of themselves and a bunch of people you've probably never met on the front and spam them out far and wide with some equally stupid Message of Christmas Joy that nearly always falls into one of two categories: Generic Holiday Greeting ~or~ Novel-Length Snooze Fest About Baby Poop, Soccer Practice, and Ballet Lessons. You know the drill: "It's been an exciting year for the Fuckerbutt family! Baby Doofus ate his first solid lint ball off the floor, Twerpina won first place in a five-yard dash against two garden slugs, and our darling Assleigh made an art project in kindergarten comprised entirely of gorilla boogers and organic macaroni! We're so proud of our little prodigy! Happiest holiday wishes from Pleasantville, USA."
And if that's not dreadful enough, the worst part about Christmas cards is Christmas card etiquette. You know, the part that says actually, you're *not* supposed to just graciously ignore unwelcome cardboard spam, but rather, you're supposed to reciprocate.
Insert 1000x10000 pixel Picard facepalm meme here.
This sort of thing is nigh impossible for me, not only because I don't like Christmas and I don't like cards, but because I wouldn't know how to return the quote-unquote favor even if I wanted to! I mean, how the hell do you send some self-indulgent ~Very Special Family Picture~ card if you're single, have no kids, and live in an apartment complex that doesn't allow pets? I just don't have anything that I could egotistically kid myself into thinking other people give a fuck about spending their holidays looking at! "Here's a picture of me smoking a joint and destroying somebody at Smash Brothers. CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS!" I mean, okay, I'm sure there's an argument to be made that it wasn't myrrh and frankincense the three wise men were burning, and that explains why they thought they saw angels and moving objects in the sky, but STILL. Not exactly a socially acceptable yuletide sentiment! So what's a jaded miscreant to do?
"It's been an exciting year for my three fake Twitter accounts that I was using to troll the hell out of that idiot politici... er, wait. You voted for that guy. Um. 'Tis the season for forgiveness, right?" That won't work either!
"Here's a family portrait of my Gen1 Pokemon team..." NOPE.
"Seasons Greetings from the deepest bowels of the naughty list..." Accurate and honest, but probably still not up to par.
So you'll have to forgive me if I cut the card-giving this year and just stick to Facebook spam and posting smarmy memes. It's better for the environment, it's better for my sanity, and it's probably better for your blood pressure if your school-age kid never has the opportunity to find and read my card while your back is turned and then start asking you awkward questions about the meanings of all my favorite vocabulary words.
Really, it's the kindest gift I could give. You're just gonna have to trust me on that.
And then there's Christmas, which is really just proof that if you put a bunch of sparkly lights on a giant clusterfuck, it's still a clusterfuck. I try to play along for the sake of the people around me, at least to some extent, and I've come to grudgingly accept if not full-out enjoy some yuletide traditions, but there's one that I hate, have always hated, and will continue to hate until my dying day.
Christmas cards.
Yes, THOSE. Those trite, ugly, overpriced pieces of foldable cardboard where people slap pictures of themselves and a bunch of people you've probably never met on the front and spam them out far and wide with some equally stupid Message of Christmas Joy that nearly always falls into one of two categories: Generic Holiday Greeting ~or~ Novel-Length Snooze Fest About Baby Poop, Soccer Practice, and Ballet Lessons. You know the drill: "It's been an exciting year for the Fuckerbutt family! Baby Doofus ate his first solid lint ball off the floor, Twerpina won first place in a five-yard dash against two garden slugs, and our darling Assleigh made an art project in kindergarten comprised entirely of gorilla boogers and organic macaroni! We're so proud of our little prodigy! Happiest holiday wishes from Pleasantville, USA."
And if that's not dreadful enough, the worst part about Christmas cards is Christmas card etiquette. You know, the part that says actually, you're *not* supposed to just graciously ignore unwelcome cardboard spam, but rather, you're supposed to reciprocate.
Insert 1000x10000 pixel Picard facepalm meme here.
This sort of thing is nigh impossible for me, not only because I don't like Christmas and I don't like cards, but because I wouldn't know how to return the quote-unquote favor even if I wanted to! I mean, how the hell do you send some self-indulgent ~Very Special Family Picture~ card if you're single, have no kids, and live in an apartment complex that doesn't allow pets? I just don't have anything that I could egotistically kid myself into thinking other people give a fuck about spending their holidays looking at! "Here's a picture of me smoking a joint and destroying somebody at Smash Brothers. CHRISTMAS BLESSINGS!" I mean, okay, I'm sure there's an argument to be made that it wasn't myrrh and frankincense the three wise men were burning, and that explains why they thought they saw angels and moving objects in the sky, but STILL. Not exactly a socially acceptable yuletide sentiment! So what's a jaded miscreant to do?
"It's been an exciting year for my three fake Twitter accounts that I was using to troll the hell out of that idiot politici... er, wait. You voted for that guy. Um. 'Tis the season for forgiveness, right?" That won't work either!
"Here's a family portrait of my Gen1 Pokemon team..." NOPE.
"Seasons Greetings from the deepest bowels of the naughty list..." Accurate and honest, but probably still not up to par.
So you'll have to forgive me if I cut the card-giving this year and just stick to Facebook spam and posting smarmy memes. It's better for the environment, it's better for my sanity, and it's probably better for your blood pressure if your school-age kid never has the opportunity to find and read my card while your back is turned and then start asking you awkward questions about the meanings of all my favorite vocabulary words.
Really, it's the kindest gift I could give. You're just gonna have to trust me on that.