Sigh.
Once again, I have given in to a man in tears. And, once again, I foolishly believed that since this man is crying over the thought of losing me, he must love me very much and wants to be with me as much as I want to be with him. Of course, this time around, even I don't believe me. Last night I layed it all down, all my concerns, fears, reasons for wanting to part (manily because after 2 years, he still couldn't figure out if he loved me enough to want to be with me for the long term) and I waited for him to challenge me, argue with me, tell me he was more committed and resolved and wanting. But, he didn't. He said he couldn't contradict me. All he could say was that he loved me and he wasn't willing to give up yet. This is the same line I got from his last year, and the same bullshit I've gotten from men before him, but I continue to take it.
So, none of my reasons for wanting to break things off were addressed or solved. They are all still sitting there, like a big weight between us. I know this will end again, and end badly, but here I am, waiting to be hurt some more before it's all over.
Can you believe, even after we'd sort of reconcilled (which was not much of a reconcilliation might I add since he's still on the fence about everything)and I was telling him about all the things I want for us (along the lines of marriage and kids, etc.) he told me he wants for me to lose some weight! This from a man 30 pounds overweight himself and balding! I fantasize about a life together and he fantasizes about me thinner--maybe I should have boken up with him.
He said I look so much better when I lose a little weight--I told him I lost 50 pounds, which is not a little, and that his obsession with my weight has almost nothing to do with me and my body and he needs to figure out what his problem is with just loving me for who I am and what I look like since, as I age, my body will never resemble what he imagines it should look like in his head. Then he tells me about how his grandmother put on 200 pounds to spite her husband and when he watched me eating like a pig this week in NY he felt like I was doing it to spite him. Huh? I asked him did he honestly believe some old woman would want to weight 300 pounds just to piss off one person? Apparently, he does, and, probably still believes I ate 2 chocolate covered pretzels to spite him.
Honestly, I still want to dump him just over the weight issue. It's clear he doesn't love me as much as he professes, or at least as unreservedly as he professes, or he wouldn't have the balls to complain about my weight to my face just after I tried to dump him. I know, he's stupid, but that is beyond stupid, that's just plain selfish. The problem is, I love him very much and even though I don't believe he will come around, I'm willing to be with him a little longer until he figures out he really doesn't want to be with me. All because I believe men when they cry.
So, none of my reasons for wanting to break things off were addressed or solved. They are all still sitting there, like a big weight between us. I know this will end again, and end badly, but here I am, waiting to be hurt some more before it's all over.
Can you believe, even after we'd sort of reconcilled (which was not much of a reconcilliation might I add since he's still on the fence about everything)and I was telling him about all the things I want for us (along the lines of marriage and kids, etc.) he told me he wants for me to lose some weight! This from a man 30 pounds overweight himself and balding! I fantasize about a life together and he fantasizes about me thinner--maybe I should have boken up with him.
He said I look so much better when I lose a little weight--I told him I lost 50 pounds, which is not a little, and that his obsession with my weight has almost nothing to do with me and my body and he needs to figure out what his problem is with just loving me for who I am and what I look like since, as I age, my body will never resemble what he imagines it should look like in his head. Then he tells me about how his grandmother put on 200 pounds to spite her husband and when he watched me eating like a pig this week in NY he felt like I was doing it to spite him. Huh? I asked him did he honestly believe some old woman would want to weight 300 pounds just to piss off one person? Apparently, he does, and, probably still believes I ate 2 chocolate covered pretzels to spite him.
Honestly, I still want to dump him just over the weight issue. It's clear he doesn't love me as much as he professes, or at least as unreservedly as he professes, or he wouldn't have the balls to complain about my weight to my face just after I tried to dump him. I know, he's stupid, but that is beyond stupid, that's just plain selfish. The problem is, I love him very much and even though I don't believe he will come around, I'm willing to be with him a little longer until he figures out he really doesn't want to be with me. All because I believe men when they cry.