somewhere between may 11th and 12th 2010.
It's the last 15 minutes of May 11th as I begin this blog post. I haven't been to this location on the world wide web in a couple years it seems. How does time go on and we travel so many places and experience so many things and then with no difficulty at all we are again back in the same exact place.
I am watching my beloved MJ at Bucharest DVD probably for the 317th time at least. no exaggeration. drinking (blame it on the genetics) and yes i'll admit, being quite melancholy.
what and where is this life?
as i refill my wine glass, let me ruminate.
i'm applying to "jobs" online. which is in great contrast to what i see before me. what i see whenever i access the god that is michael jackson. somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd glass of wine i always see myself as the same person. someone who has been performing all their life and knows nothing else. knows nothing of these "jobs".
am i just like everyone else? the 80% of Los Angeles that comes out here to feel the same?
New York ate me up. It ate me up and spit me back out. Spit me 3,000 miles across the country to soak up some sun and more rejection.
For one of the most blessed people I know, I am certainly one of the most tortured souls. That, I am pretty aware of. Or in my dark and self reflective stages, I like to think I am certain.
these words belong to certain spirits and gods of keyboards and the world wide web. And to a bottle of snapping turtle merlot, bought only because I cherished the label and name greatly.
how many things are bought for that reason? labels and names. labels and names. can i ever escape being a label and name? or better- will i ever have the opportunity to be a label and name?
all these jobs i am applying to, i feel over qualified, under enthused, and at the same time, under qualified and other enthused.
i have a sad story.
it begins with incredible praise and adoration as a child growing up in the suburbs of miami. i had everything and anything i could possibly want and achieved anything i set out to achieve. i have a wall of trophies in my childhood bedroom. one that displays best actor and dancer and student and socialite galore. from there- some part of me faded. my identity. my assurance. and i became my worst fear...ordinary.
for 18 years i was never ordinary. and vowed to never be.
but now...i have to set my eyes on digital media to vicariously live through someone who was never anything close to ordinary just to remember what it sort of felt like.
I wonder if i have the stamina to see if i may return to my life of extraordinary or if one day, some day soon, i will settle with what was and say goodbye. everyone prefers a bang to a fizzle.
do you like this entry? i'm often told i'm a decent writer.
I'm tryin to turn this around. That is the whole purpose of the move. to turn my sad sad life around.
i can use this. all this that is pent up. i can vow. vow to NEVER BE ORDINARY. to never live in this wretched world of normal.
i must believe. that is the first step. what allowed me to stop believing? is it just growing up an leaving the naivete behind? or is it something more spiritual that allows us to continue to defy the odds. to live the dream?
the grand scope of things i want to achieve in life are way more important to me. important doesn't even describe. essential. necessary for my existence to achieve than anything normal like friendships, romantic relationships, financial security. these things are REPLACEMENTS.
replacements i don't want. i want the real thing.
i want to be galactic and godly.
bur right now. i don't know how to be.
everyone is just trying to catch a break, right? what makes me different? i used to know but i forgot.
i am enemies with the thing called "time."
I am watching my beloved MJ at Bucharest DVD probably for the 317th time at least. no exaggeration. drinking (blame it on the genetics) and yes i'll admit, being quite melancholy.
what and where is this life?
as i refill my wine glass, let me ruminate.
i'm applying to "jobs" online. which is in great contrast to what i see before me. what i see whenever i access the god that is michael jackson. somewhere between the 2nd and 3rd glass of wine i always see myself as the same person. someone who has been performing all their life and knows nothing else. knows nothing of these "jobs".
am i just like everyone else? the 80% of Los Angeles that comes out here to feel the same?
New York ate me up. It ate me up and spit me back out. Spit me 3,000 miles across the country to soak up some sun and more rejection.
For one of the most blessed people I know, I am certainly one of the most tortured souls. That, I am pretty aware of. Or in my dark and self reflective stages, I like to think I am certain.
these words belong to certain spirits and gods of keyboards and the world wide web. And to a bottle of snapping turtle merlot, bought only because I cherished the label and name greatly.
how many things are bought for that reason? labels and names. labels and names. can i ever escape being a label and name? or better- will i ever have the opportunity to be a label and name?
all these jobs i am applying to, i feel over qualified, under enthused, and at the same time, under qualified and other enthused.
i have a sad story.
it begins with incredible praise and adoration as a child growing up in the suburbs of miami. i had everything and anything i could possibly want and achieved anything i set out to achieve. i have a wall of trophies in my childhood bedroom. one that displays best actor and dancer and student and socialite galore. from there- some part of me faded. my identity. my assurance. and i became my worst fear...ordinary.
for 18 years i was never ordinary. and vowed to never be.
but now...i have to set my eyes on digital media to vicariously live through someone who was never anything close to ordinary just to remember what it sort of felt like.
I wonder if i have the stamina to see if i may return to my life of extraordinary or if one day, some day soon, i will settle with what was and say goodbye. everyone prefers a bang to a fizzle.
do you like this entry? i'm often told i'm a decent writer.
I'm tryin to turn this around. That is the whole purpose of the move. to turn my sad sad life around.
i can use this. all this that is pent up. i can vow. vow to NEVER BE ORDINARY. to never live in this wretched world of normal.
i must believe. that is the first step. what allowed me to stop believing? is it just growing up an leaving the naivete behind? or is it something more spiritual that allows us to continue to defy the odds. to live the dream?
the grand scope of things i want to achieve in life are way more important to me. important doesn't even describe. essential. necessary for my existence to achieve than anything normal like friendships, romantic relationships, financial security. these things are REPLACEMENTS.
replacements i don't want. i want the real thing.
i want to be galactic and godly.
bur right now. i don't know how to be.
everyone is just trying to catch a break, right? what makes me different? i used to know but i forgot.
i am enemies with the thing called "time."