Fuck, I don't even know.
hmm.
I just read through this "Journal" thing almost in its entirety since I began it last march. I'm just in utter shock at how different someone can be in one measley year. And though it weirds me out, it gives me this odd sense of hope. Hope for change and hope for learning and growth...and with that, hope for a better understanding of this 'world', and of 'me' and 'people'. And with THAT comes more open doors and unanswerable questions. Ahh the cycle.
I just made an entry from march 19th visable to the public. Solely to highlight this notion of change. The place I was when I wrote that compared to where I am now is like night vs. day. But sometimes one can see the moon in broad daylight. You know what I mean? The place I was a year ago is, as with most everyone, a completely different planet than the one I am habitating right now. It's not a different galaxy though...I don't think it really can be. But some planets are burning hot, some freezing cold, and some...most...are both at various times.Or even at the same time, just in different parts.
The thing thats also so great is remembering how when I wrote that entry, I knew an entry like this would come soon enough to follow. One where I'd be like....uhhh whatthehellwasithinking. It's amazing how we know things and hide them, and know that we hide them. And be okay with that.
The acceleration or deceleration of relationships-
Something/someone can happen so fast. Like BAM. But then where do you go from there? And something initally viewed as idle, or barely in motion at all, has a much greater pontential energy so to speak. The dial has ample room to climb to 240mph. Or whatever. Ugh...me and my metaphors. Nauseous yet? *afterthought* I think we have control of the potential energy of relationships. When they are first formed. I believe we can foster and nurish this sort of tension, bound to unleash sporadically, or we can force an immediate explosion.
------------------------------------------------------
So. Acceptance? Helpful? Accepting people, accepting the way things are and living within that?? I know I've been confident in this theory before, then the 'actor me' made that decision to not have to live behind falsehoods and bring this concept into my 'real' life. But acting is not life. It is always, will always be, (no matter how truthful, and inaccruate, although very possibly beautiful and insightful) a mere representation of it. Then again, what is life if it doesn't posses the room to explore, interpret, and represent other things within us. Thoughts, ideas, fears, fanatsies. Why does the fulfillment of fears and fantasies seem to only reside in art? I don't know. Is it innate and instinctual to regard life as 'real' and 'serious' and hold it seperate from wants and desires and curioisties? Or is this a way of life that is learned, one that has evolved and developed from society, from government, from experience?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so stressed out yesterday (sunday). Gradually throughout the day I was able to release the tension but I got up and began the day with my shoulders by my ears and my eyebrows practically touching eachother, hands fisted, toes curled, with that radiating feeling in my chest. You know, when it feels like acid is just kinda simmering in your abdomin?
I still feel this terrible disconnect with my family-namely my own parents. And I do make a conscious effort to blur it. I can't tell whether I am creating conflict with them or truly, sincerely offended and disgusted by their words and actions 70% of the time. It's a shame. I love them.
I was looking back at some lame poem I wrote a while ago...the "Complete Me but not Completely" one. I think I'm really learning to value that. That incompleteness and the beauty of how that in itself can be so fulfilling. I had the sudden thought, or realization rather, today for like the 3rd time in the past 3 weeks (kind of like when you realize you left your keys or wallet some place where you just were) "Oh, I'm missing something". And it's alarming. I'm like...what am I missing? Shit. And I sit there and think and think and think and I'm just like...fuck. I don't know. I don't know what's missing. And I have no idea where to start looking. But I know I yearn for it so badly. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is COMPLETELY me. It may very well be IN me too and I just don't know it. Like when you're frantically searching for your sunglasses and their on your head. Or your pen and it's in your hand.
--------------------------------------------
Sometimes people say things that hurt and I don't let them offend me. This sounds like a good thing but if I acted truthfully, I'd acknowledge how their words made me feel and make them aware of it. I don't do this though. I quite possibly never will. In my mind it ties to the whole acceptance thing I'm dealing with. What is the appropriate amount, or healthy amount, of acceptance? Is there?
-----------------------------------------------
Sometimes I feel so...invaded. I need to work on building that soul-aquifer. The walls get soft sometimes and leak.
--------------------------------------------------
Express interview today/tomorrow.
Ahh I just had that thing again, the 'something's missing' thing. It really kinda sucks. Maybe it's sleep in this case. I'm REALLLYY tired and still trying to let go of that tension. Holidays = Holy-days = shitty, unnecessary, commercial, just-another-way-to-make-money days that humans adhere to like a flock of sheep. "This is the day you must celebrate your mother" "This is the day you must celebrate your country" "This is the day that you must celebrate your existence on this Earth, not commemorate or reflect upon it, but celebrate it. We must celebrate. We must be happy. On happy occassions we spend money and make noise and not work... or god forbid THINK too hard" "We 'relax'. We 'play'. We spend this time looking for gifts and blowing up balloons and hanging streamers and sweating over guest lists and generally....enjoying ourselves." "And when someone does not exist on this Earth any longer, it is then a sad day. And we do not celebrate their time spent here and acknowledge their eternal presence in the past, but we cry and mourn and spend lots of money on burying them-trying to forget them- but we still gather and eat and dress for the occasion."
Did I mention I hate America? Slash life? Slash walking amongst the dead and more often than not living dead myself.
The moon is low and yellow and big and eerie and beautiful.
I just read through this "Journal" thing almost in its entirety since I began it last march. I'm just in utter shock at how different someone can be in one measley year. And though it weirds me out, it gives me this odd sense of hope. Hope for change and hope for learning and growth...and with that, hope for a better understanding of this 'world', and of 'me' and 'people'. And with THAT comes more open doors and unanswerable questions. Ahh the cycle.
I just made an entry from march 19th visable to the public. Solely to highlight this notion of change. The place I was when I wrote that compared to where I am now is like night vs. day. But sometimes one can see the moon in broad daylight. You know what I mean? The place I was a year ago is, as with most everyone, a completely different planet than the one I am habitating right now. It's not a different galaxy though...I don't think it really can be. But some planets are burning hot, some freezing cold, and some...most...are both at various times.Or even at the same time, just in different parts.
The thing thats also so great is remembering how when I wrote that entry, I knew an entry like this would come soon enough to follow. One where I'd be like....uhhh whatthehellwasithinking. It's amazing how we know things and hide them, and know that we hide them. And be okay with that.
The acceleration or deceleration of relationships-
Something/someone can happen so fast. Like BAM. But then where do you go from there? And something initally viewed as idle, or barely in motion at all, has a much greater pontential energy so to speak. The dial has ample room to climb to 240mph. Or whatever. Ugh...me and my metaphors. Nauseous yet? *afterthought* I think we have control of the potential energy of relationships. When they are first formed. I believe we can foster and nurish this sort of tension, bound to unleash sporadically, or we can force an immediate explosion.
------------------------------------------------------
So. Acceptance? Helpful? Accepting people, accepting the way things are and living within that?? I know I've been confident in this theory before, then the 'actor me' made that decision to not have to live behind falsehoods and bring this concept into my 'real' life. But acting is not life. It is always, will always be, (no matter how truthful, and inaccruate, although very possibly beautiful and insightful) a mere representation of it. Then again, what is life if it doesn't posses the room to explore, interpret, and represent other things within us. Thoughts, ideas, fears, fanatsies. Why does the fulfillment of fears and fantasies seem to only reside in art? I don't know. Is it innate and instinctual to regard life as 'real' and 'serious' and hold it seperate from wants and desires and curioisties? Or is this a way of life that is learned, one that has evolved and developed from society, from government, from experience?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
I was so stressed out yesterday (sunday). Gradually throughout the day I was able to release the tension but I got up and began the day with my shoulders by my ears and my eyebrows practically touching eachother, hands fisted, toes curled, with that radiating feeling in my chest. You know, when it feels like acid is just kinda simmering in your abdomin?
I still feel this terrible disconnect with my family-namely my own parents. And I do make a conscious effort to blur it. I can't tell whether I am creating conflict with them or truly, sincerely offended and disgusted by their words and actions 70% of the time. It's a shame. I love them.
I was looking back at some lame poem I wrote a while ago...the "Complete Me but not Completely" one. I think I'm really learning to value that. That incompleteness and the beauty of how that in itself can be so fulfilling. I had the sudden thought, or realization rather, today for like the 3rd time in the past 3 weeks (kind of like when you realize you left your keys or wallet some place where you just were) "Oh, I'm missing something". And it's alarming. I'm like...what am I missing? Shit. And I sit there and think and think and think and I'm just like...fuck. I don't know. I don't know what's missing. And I have no idea where to start looking. But I know I yearn for it so badly. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is COMPLETELY me. It may very well be IN me too and I just don't know it. Like when you're frantically searching for your sunglasses and their on your head. Or your pen and it's in your hand.
--------------------------------------------
Sometimes people say things that hurt and I don't let them offend me. This sounds like a good thing but if I acted truthfully, I'd acknowledge how their words made me feel and make them aware of it. I don't do this though. I quite possibly never will. In my mind it ties to the whole acceptance thing I'm dealing with. What is the appropriate amount, or healthy amount, of acceptance? Is there?
-----------------------------------------------
Sometimes I feel so...invaded. I need to work on building that soul-aquifer. The walls get soft sometimes and leak.
--------------------------------------------------
Express interview today/tomorrow.
Ahh I just had that thing again, the 'something's missing' thing. It really kinda sucks. Maybe it's sleep in this case. I'm REALLLYY tired and still trying to let go of that tension. Holidays = Holy-days = shitty, unnecessary, commercial, just-another-way-to-make-money days that humans adhere to like a flock of sheep. "This is the day you must celebrate your mother" "This is the day you must celebrate your country" "This is the day that you must celebrate your existence on this Earth, not commemorate or reflect upon it, but celebrate it. We must celebrate. We must be happy. On happy occassions we spend money and make noise and not work... or god forbid THINK too hard" "We 'relax'. We 'play'. We spend this time looking for gifts and blowing up balloons and hanging streamers and sweating over guest lists and generally....enjoying ourselves." "And when someone does not exist on this Earth any longer, it is then a sad day. And we do not celebrate their time spent here and acknowledge their eternal presence in the past, but we cry and mourn and spend lots of money on burying them-trying to forget them- but we still gather and eat and dress for the occasion."
Did I mention I hate America? Slash life? Slash walking amongst the dead and more often than not living dead myself.
The moon is low and yellow and big and eerie and beautiful.