Confession
This is how it was:
I had one friend, Gary Csillaghegyi, whose interests in the sciences, history, scholarly studies, and esoteric studies such as Qaballah and so on, matched mine. One. And he died in 1995, all because of our asshole landlord, Kevin Bjornson, whose sheer evil I wouldn’t let myself see until it was too late, because I cared about Kevin, a deadly mistake when dealing with a dedicated psychopath like Kevin - a death the guilt for which I really will bear forever, because of my own part in it, due as much to my stupidity as anything else. (If you want to know about that, please ask.) Gary’s knowledge and learning, which encompassed a host of disciplines, was invaluable, and when he died, something utterly precious was lost to the world. He’d been in Air Force Intelligence, had applied to the State Department, had degrees in celestial mechanics and other branches of astronomy, had been an astronomer-astronaut trainee for NASA’s Mars program until that fell apart, was fluent in at least 20 languages and could do well in at least 30 more and could learn a new language in a couple of days, had read every science fiction book and story not nailed down, was well-educated in the biological and other sciences besides astronomy, and whatever it is I have and am, it could never, ever make up for that loss. That is real guilt, and I truly am guilty of my part in his death, and no matter what, I’ll never be able to cancel that out or do anything to make up for it. What happened was that when he had his first heart attack in early summer of 1995, I went to see him in the hospital, and Kevin came, too. And while I was there I said to one of Gary’s doctors, right in front of Kevin, that I was going to inherit some money from my adoptive mother, and planned to use it to help Gary, who was too proud to go on SSI or Medicaid. Kevin, being the evil, dishonest, rapacious bastard that he is, heard that, and for 2-3 weeks after Gary got back to his apartment - in the same building where I lived (we were both renting from Kevin; Gary was Kevin’s paralegal, on top of everything else, and knew where all the bodies were buried as far as Kevin and his indoor growing business went*), and Gary’s death would remove several threats to Kevin, as well as removing, as Kevin thought, a major obstacle to Kevin conning me out of my inheritance - Kevin harassed and harassed and harassed him, right into Gary’s second, fatal heart attack. If not for me, maybe Gary would still be alive now. In effect, not intending to, I killed Gary, and Kevin was the weapon. Even so, I could have gone to the cops to get Kevin to stop harassing Gary, but I was so tired and wiped out from Kevin’s harassment of me that I couldn’t get it together to do that. And so Gary died, and it was my fault as well as anyone else’s.
In other words, because of my own stupidity, Gary died. Which is murder. It doesn't make my former landlord any less culpable, of course, but I shouldn't get off the hook for it. I can never forgive myself for this -- I have no idea how to forgive myself for it. Gary was worth a million times what I am, and all that learning, all those gifts of mind and creativity, were just so much smoke up the flu because of me, and nothing will ever change that. It can't be taken back or made up for, it can't be made to un-happen. Which is why I can't forgive myself, not ever. But I can confess it, and do so here.
As for punishment, I'm sure Kevin will read this and sue me for "slandering" him. Can I prove it happened? Well, there was at least one witness to that harassment, but he moved back to Texas soon after Gary's death in the summer of 1995. There are probably others, but they wouldn't dare talk -- Kevin can be extremely vindictive. So Kevin would probably get a judgment if he sued me -- though good luck on trying to get blood from a turnip, Kevin!
Other than that, I suppose I must wait until Judgment Day for the rest of it.
So there's my confession.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*That is, Kevin’s business, HydroTech, produced and sold equipment for growing marijuana indoors, and people came from all over the state as well as from California, Oregon, Idaho, and Alaska to purchase such equipment. Kevin was also a narc, and turned all his customers in to the DEA. Nice guy. I was ignorant of a lot of what Kevin did even after I moved away from there; it was only later that I learned from people who had once worked for him just how crooked he was, how deeply he was involved in real crime. Kevin Bjornson is pure evil, and he murdered Gary in cold blood, knowing nobody would ever prosecute him for simply harassing Gary to death.
I had one friend, Gary Csillaghegyi, whose interests in the sciences, history, scholarly studies, and esoteric studies such as Qaballah and so on, matched mine. One. And he died in 1995, all because of our asshole landlord, Kevin Bjornson, whose sheer evil I wouldn’t let myself see until it was too late, because I cared about Kevin, a deadly mistake when dealing with a dedicated psychopath like Kevin - a death the guilt for which I really will bear forever, because of my own part in it, due as much to my stupidity as anything else. (If you want to know about that, please ask.) Gary’s knowledge and learning, which encompassed a host of disciplines, was invaluable, and when he died, something utterly precious was lost to the world. He’d been in Air Force Intelligence, had applied to the State Department, had degrees in celestial mechanics and other branches of astronomy, had been an astronomer-astronaut trainee for NASA’s Mars program until that fell apart, was fluent in at least 20 languages and could do well in at least 30 more and could learn a new language in a couple of days, had read every science fiction book and story not nailed down, was well-educated in the biological and other sciences besides astronomy, and whatever it is I have and am, it could never, ever make up for that loss. That is real guilt, and I truly am guilty of my part in his death, and no matter what, I’ll never be able to cancel that out or do anything to make up for it. What happened was that when he had his first heart attack in early summer of 1995, I went to see him in the hospital, and Kevin came, too. And while I was there I said to one of Gary’s doctors, right in front of Kevin, that I was going to inherit some money from my adoptive mother, and planned to use it to help Gary, who was too proud to go on SSI or Medicaid. Kevin, being the evil, dishonest, rapacious bastard that he is, heard that, and for 2-3 weeks after Gary got back to his apartment - in the same building where I lived (we were both renting from Kevin; Gary was Kevin’s paralegal, on top of everything else, and knew where all the bodies were buried as far as Kevin and his indoor growing business went*), and Gary’s death would remove several threats to Kevin, as well as removing, as Kevin thought, a major obstacle to Kevin conning me out of my inheritance - Kevin harassed and harassed and harassed him, right into Gary’s second, fatal heart attack. If not for me, maybe Gary would still be alive now. In effect, not intending to, I killed Gary, and Kevin was the weapon. Even so, I could have gone to the cops to get Kevin to stop harassing Gary, but I was so tired and wiped out from Kevin’s harassment of me that I couldn’t get it together to do that. And so Gary died, and it was my fault as well as anyone else’s.
In other words, because of my own stupidity, Gary died. Which is murder. It doesn't make my former landlord any less culpable, of course, but I shouldn't get off the hook for it. I can never forgive myself for this -- I have no idea how to forgive myself for it. Gary was worth a million times what I am, and all that learning, all those gifts of mind and creativity, were just so much smoke up the flu because of me, and nothing will ever change that. It can't be taken back or made up for, it can't be made to un-happen. Which is why I can't forgive myself, not ever. But I can confess it, and do so here.
As for punishment, I'm sure Kevin will read this and sue me for "slandering" him. Can I prove it happened? Well, there was at least one witness to that harassment, but he moved back to Texas soon after Gary's death in the summer of 1995. There are probably others, but they wouldn't dare talk -- Kevin can be extremely vindictive. So Kevin would probably get a judgment if he sued me -- though good luck on trying to get blood from a turnip, Kevin!
Other than that, I suppose I must wait until Judgment Day for the rest of it.
So there's my confession.
* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
*That is, Kevin’s business, HydroTech, produced and sold equipment for growing marijuana indoors, and people came from all over the state as well as from California, Oregon, Idaho, and Alaska to purchase such equipment. Kevin was also a narc, and turned all his customers in to the DEA. Nice guy. I was ignorant of a lot of what Kevin did even after I moved away from there; it was only later that I learned from people who had once worked for him just how crooked he was, how deeply he was involved in real crime. Kevin Bjornson is pure evil, and he murdered Gary in cold blood, knowing nobody would ever prosecute him for simply harassing Gary to death.