im such a fuckin retard, the past can still break your heart in new ways
why did i let him do that to me for so long? i mean fuck look whats hes done to me. i have a great guy who's totally fallin for me, and im worried about shit cuz i wanna tell him something he did bothered me? im so fuckin brainwashed to think that the world would end if i said the wrong thing. why did i let him control me that way? how could i let someone make me into something so spineless for so long? thats not love. it just hurts to see what was really goin on, and to think that i thought i loved someone like that and to actually think he loved me back. i was such a fool. SUCH A FOOL. and now i sit here crying at my stupidity and letting it affect me this way when its in the past. how could i have had such little respect for myself? how could i have been so blind to that? how could i have been so small and let him be so big? he walked all over me. what the fuck was i thinking? the more i think about it, the less i think that the two of us were ever in love. that couldnt have been love, but then, i dont know what it was, or should be called, or if it even has a name. it wasnt lust either. it was stupidity, blindness, and necessity. i was soo blind to let myself me so stupid to think that i needed him. i thought i couldnt survive without him. i thought he was it for me, and if it wasnt him, then how could i start all over, and with who then? why? why did this have to happen? a lesson learned? am i where i should be? do i have the knowledge i should have now? have i really gained enough from such a low experience? these tears now are tears hes caused even months after hes been banished. i tried to reconsile the other day, and now i see for what? i didnt want animosity btwn us, but ive come to realize, he still doesnt think anything of what happened during those nearly 3 years. it sucks to realized you were verbally manipulated and ultimately abused for so long and kinda know it, but never be able to do anything about it cuz you feel that, since you cant change it(cuz i did try that), all you can do is accept it and deal. thats the worst thing you could do, and thats exactly what i did... exactly what i did... to myself. how could such a strong person be so stupid and weak? all i can say is that this night was not forsaken. i'll remember it and apply it, just as i try to do with everything else. i believe im self-made to be how i am and how i wanna be, so thats why all of this shit happens to me, so i can learn from it, and be that much better for having lived it.