we're not so starry-eyed anymore
Let's see.
***
This weekend, my parents are coming to town to help me buy a new(-to-me) car, which I have never done before. I'm pretty scared/stressed/insane about it, thanks for asking. I know that doesn't sound like me, being totally unhinged over a new experience, but, you know.
Part of that is def the money thing--between going out a million times this month and when my bills and everything fell, I'm broker than usual, so the idea of writing a $7,000 check is making me slightly sick. I feel like I've been spectacularly failing adulthood recently, and I don't know how much of that is because of my own stupidity and how much of it is my brain making me THINK I'm stupid.
(I've actually been having a lot of thoughts about adulthood lately, after something Jesse said to me on Saturday, but I think that's a post in and of itself.)
I mean, I'm excited to have a car again. Definitely. The last few days have proven how frigging hard it is to get around without one. But ~*~change is scary~*~, etc. Ugh.
***
I've also felt like a walking nerve ending the last few days. Like, literally crying all the time over everything since Sunday, mentally obsessing over ~*~why can't I just like the things my friends like everyone likes animal transformation/mpreg/whatever dumb thing everyone is obsessed with these days why can't I just be like everyone else so I can participate and people will like me?~*~ trains of thought, getting unreasonably angry about stupid things (oh my god, a co-worker sent me a non-urgent email at 4:45 last night and then re-emailed me at 11am to make sure I got it because I hadn't responded yet COME ON CHILL OUT JFC), being super paranoid ("That person who blocked me on all social media has unblocked me, probably to steal my secrets and lull me into complacency...") etc. I keep having to cut myself off from social media--last night I was AN IDIOT and miscalculated bus times and missed the bus that came around when the movie let out and had to wait over 90 minutes for the next one. At 8:30 at night in deserted downtown Boston. And I made a series of tweets about the predicament/being upset about it with basically no response, which cued the usual mix of despair ("no one cares that I'm crying alone in the lobby of a Bank of America!") and anger ("WHY DOES NO ONE CARE THAT I'M CRYING ALONE IN THE LOBBY OF A BANK OF AMERICA?!") and...yeah. Don't tweet when you're mad, internet, it will just make everyone hate you more.
But, with LJ slowly dying, and cutting myself off from Twitter and no one really engaging in the texts I sent, it just meant that I was left alone to stew in my feelings, multiplying them in my head until I was like, ugly crying on the bus at 10, which I'm sure no one was thrilled about. I like, crawled up my own ass with despair and ended up going straight to bed once I got home without cleaning my laundry out of the living room, filling the dishwasher, showering, or anything I meant to do. And of course, those feelings didn't DISSIPATE while I slept, they just turned into rage, so I almost murdered everyone on the bus this morning.
I'm really a mess, basically. Just a gross mess with too many feelings and not enough outlets. I am SO depressed and getting NOTHING done aside, thank god, from work things. It is my busiest month at work, so I need to be on the ball and if 99% of my flagging energy is what it takes to stay that way, then I've gotta use all the 99% on making sure I ordered the right kind of food and the right number of t-shirts. My number one fantasy right now would be the ability to stop time, but once I stop the time I don't DO anything, I just float silently (I can float in the fantasy almost always, idk what deeper meaning that has) not doing anything and not thinking about anything and not worrying about anything.
Blargh. Anyway. Those are all my feelings. Sorry I spewed them all over you, internet. But I've got to do some more actual work before I can go home and see Becca and go to bed at eight pm.
- Becca gets back from London today, thank god. I'm A WRECK and hopefully having her around again will at least soothe some of that.
- I'm also BROKE because I did a whole lot of fun and excellent things with friends this week! But they were expensive!
- On Thursday night, I had dinner with barbed_whispers at a random pub near DTX which we will never return to after seeing mice just running willy nilly around the dining area.
- On Saturday, I took a convoluted public transit route to get to Harvard, where I had brunch at Beat Hotel (not an actual hotel) with Lisa, KL, Lindsay, and both Kelseys. It was really good, even if I was initially skeptical of the salad that came with all the savory dishes. (Eggs and salad? Really?)
- After brunch, we took another bus to Union Sq and hung out at Hub for a few hours.
- (I don't know why I'm making this a bulleted list instead of a narrative.)
- Everyone else trickled out, but I hung around until the end of Jesse's shift and then took the bus with him back towards home.
- Saturday night and Sunday I was by myself. I watched a lot of X-Files.
- Actually, that's mostly what I've been doing while Becca was away. I think I was at the beginning of S3 last week and now I'm halfway through S4. It's really strange to go back and see some of these things from an adult perspective and from an additional-twenty-years-of-entertainment perspective.
- Also, with the subtitles on. I've been quoting some stuff wrong for YEARS.
- Monday I saw It Follows with KL, Lindsay, and Kelsey. It was good and engaging--I didn't check the time even once--but the ending was...anticlimactic? Unsatisfying? Something like that.
- Last night, I saw Home (the The True Meaning of Smekday-adjacent movie) and it was....good? It was very, very different from the book. Basically the only book bit that stays in tact is "girl befriends alien and looks for lost mother in flying car" bit. The movie was enjoyable, but I did spend most of it thinking about how much MORE I would have enjoyed a film of the actual events of the book.
- For various reasons that I'll moan about below, I was super late getting home, so I didn't have a chance to clean up before Becca gets back today :\
***
This weekend, my parents are coming to town to help me buy a new(-to-me) car, which I have never done before. I'm pretty scared/stressed/insane about it, thanks for asking. I know that doesn't sound like me, being totally unhinged over a new experience, but, you know.
Part of that is def the money thing--between going out a million times this month and when my bills and everything fell, I'm broker than usual, so the idea of writing a $7,000 check is making me slightly sick. I feel like I've been spectacularly failing adulthood recently, and I don't know how much of that is because of my own stupidity and how much of it is my brain making me THINK I'm stupid.
(I've actually been having a lot of thoughts about adulthood lately, after something Jesse said to me on Saturday, but I think that's a post in and of itself.)
I mean, I'm excited to have a car again. Definitely. The last few days have proven how frigging hard it is to get around without one. But ~*~change is scary~*~, etc. Ugh.
***
I've also felt like a walking nerve ending the last few days. Like, literally crying all the time over everything since Sunday, mentally obsessing over ~*~why can't I just like the things my friends like everyone likes animal transformation/mpreg/whatever dumb thing everyone is obsessed with these days why can't I just be like everyone else so I can participate and people will like me?~*~ trains of thought, getting unreasonably angry about stupid things (oh my god, a co-worker sent me a non-urgent email at 4:45 last night and then re-emailed me at 11am to make sure I got it because I hadn't responded yet COME ON CHILL OUT JFC), being super paranoid ("That person who blocked me on all social media has unblocked me, probably to steal my secrets and lull me into complacency...") etc. I keep having to cut myself off from social media--last night I was AN IDIOT and miscalculated bus times and missed the bus that came around when the movie let out and had to wait over 90 minutes for the next one. At 8:30 at night in deserted downtown Boston. And I made a series of tweets about the predicament/being upset about it with basically no response, which cued the usual mix of despair ("no one cares that I'm crying alone in the lobby of a Bank of America!") and anger ("WHY DOES NO ONE CARE THAT I'M CRYING ALONE IN THE LOBBY OF A BANK OF AMERICA?!") and...yeah. Don't tweet when you're mad, internet, it will just make everyone hate you more.
But, with LJ slowly dying, and cutting myself off from Twitter and no one really engaging in the texts I sent, it just meant that I was left alone to stew in my feelings, multiplying them in my head until I was like, ugly crying on the bus at 10, which I'm sure no one was thrilled about. I like, crawled up my own ass with despair and ended up going straight to bed once I got home without cleaning my laundry out of the living room, filling the dishwasher, showering, or anything I meant to do. And of course, those feelings didn't DISSIPATE while I slept, they just turned into rage, so I almost murdered everyone on the bus this morning.
I'm really a mess, basically. Just a gross mess with too many feelings and not enough outlets. I am SO depressed and getting NOTHING done aside, thank god, from work things. It is my busiest month at work, so I need to be on the ball and if 99% of my flagging energy is what it takes to stay that way, then I've gotta use all the 99% on making sure I ordered the right kind of food and the right number of t-shirts. My number one fantasy right now would be the ability to stop time, but once I stop the time I don't DO anything, I just float silently (I can float in the fantasy almost always, idk what deeper meaning that has) not doing anything and not thinking about anything and not worrying about anything.
Blargh. Anyway. Those are all my feelings. Sorry I spewed them all over you, internet. But I've got to do some more actual work before I can go home and see Becca and go to bed at eight pm.