i am hopeful, should i be hopeful?
Hello, LiveJournal! It's Friday, finally.
Things are slightly better since last time we spoke. I am not as whole-body depressed as I was.
I am less sensitive and raw, more me, and feeling more enjoyment in some things. Other things are still a struggle--I've basically only been watching teevee, writing, and reading podcast books instead of doing any of the other stuff I'm behind on/like to do, but...it's a start, right?
Mostly I'm happy that my suicidal ideation is back to like, normal person levels? I am NOT suicidal, nor have I been in recent memory, but when I get depressed my suicidal ideation skyrockets. Like, I am constantly preoccupied with casual thoughts about killing myself. Again, I am not SUICIDAL none of it is PLANNING it is not anything I would ACTUALLY DO (the majority of people who experience suicidal ideation do not attempt suicide, actually), but I'm sure you can imagine that it's very derailing/unsettling when literally every other thought you have is of slitting your wrists/stepping out into traffic/stepping off the subway platform/etc.
So yes, I'm on an upswing and things are okay. Not great--work is still shitty and my energy levels are still low. I'm sleeping like, ten hours a night and my motivation levels are not great. But it's a start.
***
OTHER STUFF:
Media
Life
Work!
...is still the worst and stressful and the worst.
***
I think that is all that is happening with me! I have a lot of stuff to do in the next few months--writing and work stuff and birthday stuff and costume making (con season is almost here!) and stuff like that--but I'm trying to be optimistic about it!
How are you?
Things are slightly better since last time we spoke. I am not as whole-body depressed as I was.
I am less sensitive and raw, more me, and feeling more enjoyment in some things. Other things are still a struggle--I've basically only been watching teevee, writing, and reading podcast books instead of doing any of the other stuff I'm behind on/like to do, but...it's a start, right?
Mostly I'm happy that my suicidal ideation is back to like, normal person levels? I am NOT suicidal, nor have I been in recent memory, but when I get depressed my suicidal ideation skyrockets. Like, I am constantly preoccupied with casual thoughts about killing myself. Again, I am not SUICIDAL none of it is PLANNING it is not anything I would ACTUALLY DO (the majority of people who experience suicidal ideation do not attempt suicide, actually), but I'm sure you can imagine that it's very derailing/unsettling when literally every other thought you have is of slitting your wrists/stepping out into traffic/stepping off the subway platform/etc.
So yes, I'm on an upswing and things are okay. Not great--work is still shitty and my energy levels are still low. I'm sleeping like, ten hours a night and my motivation levels are not great. But it's a start.
***
OTHER STUFF:
Media
- I watched the first seven episodes of Daredevil. It's enjoyable! I don't love it, but the characters are interesting enough that I'll watch the rest. Mostly I desperately want Jessica Jones.
- Lumberjanes continues to be the best comic I'm reading.
- We watched all of Key and Peele and it was hilarious. I'm glad we found another sketch comedy show to watch obsessively.
- My X-Files rewatch continues after a short break. I'm almost done with season four.
- The new Star Wars trailer completely won me over ♥
- I watched most of Fresh Off the Boat inadvertently and it was very sweet!
- I've listened to a lot of podcasts.
- I saw The Decemberists! It was a really frigging great show and I'm so glad I decided to go ♥
- The Weepies and Dar both have new albums out soon, which is prob good on the writing front as well! :D :D :D
- And I am seeing BOTH OF THEM in the next few months, and also Vienna Teng and Postmodern Jukebox and Stephin Merritt and Ingrid Michaelson! Lots of good music happening around Boston!
Life
- My parents did indeed come up for Easter and I bought a new car.
- It was scary and the car dealership still hasn't cashed their fucking check.
- I'm still getting used to its newness and the ways it's different from my old car.
- Becca came home, although she's going away again this weekend.
- The podcast continues to be great. I have made a lot of awesome twitter friends because of it and we're starting to get recurring guests and fans and stuff!
- IT IS FINALLY WARM. I'm finally through with leggings and tights most days and back to wearing heels and flats instead of boots! (Well, generally. I have a tiny, awkwardly placed blister on my left foot, so I've been wearing oxfords and flats all week, including at conferences where I usually wear heels.)
- I'm writing a couple things, but kind of aimlessly? I def need a project but I'm not sure what. One of them might turn into a project and the other one is a shore verse fic that I'm sure I'll become obsessed with if I can find a solid arc for it.
- (I'm always obsessed with shoreverse. If I'm awake, I'm probably thinking about shore verse somewhere in my mind. pearl_o is, thankfully, also at least slightly obsessed with it, which is great because she lets me just text her incessantly about it sometimes.)
- I'm starting to get self-conscious about the fact that I haven't posted anything on AO3 in 2015. I've finished close to 60k worth of fic between ficlet february, the fake boyfriends story I'm not going to post for a while, the Raven Cycle ficlet, and some other stuff, but for various reasons I haven't "publicly" posted any of it on AO3. idk why I'm so anxious about that, but I imagine it has to do with my obsessive need to track and label everything and how blank the beginning of my "Writing Year In Review" meme will look in December.
- I'm finally forcing myself to start planning my 30th birthday party. I normally LOVE party planning, but depression + anxiety + indecision has me dragging my feet about this. If you are reading this and we are pals (or at least have hung out in person before and/or mutually follow each other) and want an invitation, let me know!
Work!
...is still the worst and stressful and the worst.
***
I think that is all that is happening with me! I have a lot of stuff to do in the next few months--writing and work stuff and birthday stuff and costume making (con season is almost here!) and stuff like that--but I'm trying to be optimistic about it!
How are you?