Fanfiction - Letters to No One
Title: Letters to No One
Author: crazy_otaku911
Pairing: Yabu Kouta X Takaki Yuya, vague Yabu Kouta X Inoo Kei, BEST friendship.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AU - Yabu finds a notebook on the roof of his high school with words that appear to be a prelude to suicide. When he writes back, Yabu finds himself in a strange correspondence, drawing closer to the mysterious writer. But the writer might be closer to Yabu than he thought.
Disclaimer: This work is purely fiction.
Warnings: Minor language, discussion and contemplation of suicide.
A/N: Beta'd by omoikkiri and shimizumiki ♥♥♥
Err...It's 7400! Enjoy. ♥
Written for my darling hotfruits~♥ Koukou~! I really, really hope you like this. ♥♥♥
It had been such a beautiful day.
Yabu could clearly remember that, the blue skies and the small breezes. It had him itching to play soccer, even if he had hours before practice even started.
He’d loved being on the roof of his school. It was where he could be alone and think, the sky sprawled out above him, giving him an odd sense of freedom as he sat there.
The notebook had been small, the kind that kids tucked in their pockets and never actually used. It took him a while to notice it tucked away between the cracks in the brick. It couldn't have been there yesterday...
He carefully pulled it out, glancing at it curiously. Who could have left it up here? They had to have done it on purpose, seeing as it had been placed in that small crevice.
Flipping it open, Yabu found that someone had written a note on the first page.
The message made him gape and his heart skip a beat.
Nobody would care if I killed myself.
***
“Maa...” Hikaru said later as they all sat under the tree they'd designated 'their spot' and ate lunch (Yabu had failed to stop Daiki from stealing part of his own food, his thoughts so occupied). “It's really weird....knowing you won't be here next year.”
“Hmm?” Yabu snapped back to reality to give Daiki a dirty look before turning back to Hikaru.
“You know...You'll be graduating and stuff,” Hikaru nodded, curling around his lunch to keep the tiny freshman away from it.
“Who's graduating?” Takaki appeared all of a sudden, plopping himself down at Daiki side, grinning. “Sorry I'm late~! I got distracted by Haru-kun and Akito. Junta made me lunch too!” He added proudly.
“Well if it isn't Mister Social Butterfly,” Inoo rolled his eyes and chuckled. “They're going to make you fat, you know. And Yabu-kun's graduating... so are you, actually,” Inoo laughed, having forgotten that Takaki was also a senior.
They were an odd bunch of friends, not similar at all, connected only because of where they lived and the fact that their parents were friends. Hikaru and Yabu had been best friends since they were in diapers, as their families lived next door to each other. Inoo had been around for maybe ten years, his mother a co-worker and friend of Yabu's mother. He and Hikaru were classmates. Takaki's family had moved into the apartment above Inoo's right before freshman year of high school and had been part of the group ever since. Daiki had moved in about the same time. He was young, short, and lived on the other side of Hikaru, and when food wasn't involved he was a lot of fun.
It wasn't just their varied ages, they all belonged to different social circles outside of their small group. Yabu was the king of soccer and hung out with the athletic kids. Hikaru was the school clown and had his own group of unusual friends. Inoo was the classic example of a perfect boy, the top of his year and a fantastically talented pianist - he hung out with the intellectual crowd. Daiki hadn't settled into a high school group yet, merely functioning as part of the freshmen flock. Takaki defied all standards, hopped from group to group, and seemed to know everyone in the school. He was a favorite among the freshmen.
It took Yabu a good five seconds to realize that he'd finished lunch and was trying to feed himself a nonexistent bite with his chopsticks. Blushing and quickly stuffing his lunchbox back into his bag, Yabu tried to pay attention to what his friends were saying. He quickly became confused.
“What does Kuri have do with graduating?” He asked, brows quirked as he tried to make the connection between the two. Kuri was Daiki's pet snake.
They all paused to give him an odd look. “New subject here, Bubu,” Hikaru gently patted his knee.
Flushing an even deeper red, Yabu tried his best to keep up this time. He still couldn't quite concentrate though, his mind was still on the roof with that small notebook.
He'd stared at the small message on the page for a good five minutes, feeling his heart thud in his chest. He hadn't heard of any suicide attempts, but this had probably just recently been placed in the crack...He fumbled with his bag, producing a pen. He quickly scrawled under the note.
I don't know you. But please don't do it. Life is precious. You can talk to me. You don't know me...but I want to help.
He supposed it was a foolish attempt, to write the note and replace the pad in the crack. He hoped that the writer would return and see it. Maybe it would help. He didn't know if the writer had been serious or not... but what if he had been? Yabu felt a small knot of unease grow in his stomach the more he thought about it. He wanted to help this person, even though he had no idea who he was. He wasn't sure why, but the small note had just struck a chord inside. Yabu didn't even know him and he knew he'd care if he killed himself.
It was such a sad thought.
“Earth to Kou-chan~!” Takaki laughed, poking Yabu out of his reverie. “You look like you failed a quiz. Did you get one? They gave us a history quiz.”
“Man, I hate it when they spring quizzes on us... I mean, I know all the stuff, but what's wrong with a little warning?” Inoo rolled his eyes, nibbling on his lunch (he always took forever to eat.)
“Nah. No tests today,” Yabu let out a sheepish laugh before tentatively asking, “Ne, got any plans? For when you graduate?” While it was farther away for some more than others, Yabu couldn't help but wonder about his friends and what they had planned for the future. Somebody out there thought they didn't have one. What about within their small group?
“I dunno~,” Takaki said with a small shrug. “Tama-chan and I were thinking of renting a place together? Not sure about school or whatever, but we've got time!”
“I'm still gonna be a rockstar!” Hikaru jokingly declared, eyes dancing as he air-guitared for a moment.
Yabu laughed with the rest of them, even as his thoughts wandered off again. They were so carefree and happy. What about the writer? Why didn't he believe in his own future? Yabu tried to imagine how unhappy he'd have to be to kill himself.
“What about you~?” It was Daiki's turn to poke Yabu's side to get his attention.
Yabu blinked, taking a moment to comprehend the other's words. “Ah? Oh... I still plan on being a teacher,” He managed a small smile, standing up and grabbing his backpack. “I think I forgot to give Nikaido-kun his notes.” He quickly lied, too restless to sit there as they chatted. “I'll see you later.”
“See you, Kou-chan!” Inoo and the rest cheerfully waved as he headed back into the school building.
Having already given Nikaido his notes before the school day had started, Yabu had nothing to do but think about the notebook on the roof. He couldn't get the words out of his head.
Nobody would care if I killed myself.
***
Yabu had to resist waking up early and heading straight to the roof of the school to see if the writer had returned. He'd refrained from checking after school, if only because he always walked home with Hikaru, and Hikaru would notice if he was late. Yabu didn't want the questions.
Hikaru was pretty much the reason he wasn't checking now either. He always walked to school with Hikaru...and Daiki, when he woke up on time. There was never a guarantee of that happening so he never knew.
It was easier to keep on track that morning, though he had the notebook in the back of his mind. He tried to relax during the walk to school, even if he half expected to arrive and learn that someone had killed themselves. He prayed it wouldn't happen and it appeared that his prayer had been answered. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary when they arrived, and Inoo and Takaki were waiting for them at the gates.
“Daiki oversleep again?” Takaki asked with a snort. “Seriously, that guy is horrible at waking up.”
“Like you can talk!” Inoo smacked him over the head. “I know you make Nakama-kun call you every morning to get you up on time.”
“...But I'm still on time?” Takaki looked so hopeful that Yabu had to laugh, nudging them all inside.
“We won't be on time if we don't actually get to our classrooms,” He reminded them and they all split for the day.
Yabu was distracted all through class, trying his best to take it all in, but his mind still dwelled on the rooftop. He knew it was silly to be so intent on the notebook, but there was something about it that made him unable to forget. Maybe it was because he knew it was one of the students attending the school (who else would have put it there? Certainly not a teacher). He didn't like the idea of losing one of them. He didn't know everyone - he wasn't Takaki - but they were all just starting their lives. Now was just the beginning of their journey, they had so far to go before walking through the gates of dea--
“I would appreciate it if you would pay attention to the lesson, Yabu-kun,” his teacher's light reprimand brought Yabu back to earth. Apparently Yabu's mind had chosen to wax poetic...and on top of that it would seem that he'd drooled, having gone slack-jawed in the meantime.
Flushing, he wiped his mouth and ducked his head, muttering an apology as he focused on his textbook, trying to ignore the tittering of his classmates around him.
With luck and determination Yabu made it through the rest of the morning without any other incidents. Grabbing his backpack, he practically bolted out of the classroom.
Up on the roof, he took a quick peek around to make sure he was the only one up there. It wasn't a very popular rooftop, always too hot or too cold or too far of a walk...But Yabu liked it and its relative silence. It was empty and Yabu slid over to where the notebook had been found the day previous.
It was still there.
Feeling stupidly nervous, Yabu carefully removed the notebook, flipping it open to the first page. He felt a small jolt of excitement as he realized that there was now a response to his writing.
I feel lost. I don't know anymore. I don't feel okay. I'm freezing and it's sunny right now. It's bright and I feel like my eyes have been covered.
I don't want to give up.
But I don't feel like me.
It was in the same hand as the previous note. He knew that he should have just seen this as a prank but he just couldn't help but believe it. He wanted to, perhaps.
He pulled the pen out of his pocket, thinking for a moment before writing.
Don't give up. I wish I could help you. I don't want to come to school and hear about what might happen. We're just kids still. You have so much ahead of you.
He felt embarrassed and foolish and not even that could keep him from putting the notebook back in its place before leaving the roof to meet up with his friends. His heart was doing an odd skip-beat but he felt almost happy, not nearly as nauseous as he had the day before.
***
It feels so dark.
***
It's not so bad...Do something for me. Cover your eyes!
And then just sit here for a moment.
I'm doing it right now~
The sun is so warm. And I can hear the city and the breeze.
Do you feel better? It's still dark...and it's not fun being in the dark. But there's always something good!
He'd never felt so cheesy before. But whoever this boy was he wanted to help him. He couldn't think of anything else short of running through every classroom and asking.
The other boy was still writing back to him. Yabu would do what he could.
***
I felt silly...Do you feel like you're going to fall into the sky? But it was a pretty day today...
***
By now Yabu had figured out that whoever was writing him would reply sometime in the afternoon, because he'd given in to the urge and checked during the early morning, managing to pull it off and return before walking back to school with Hikaru. He considered himself brilliant.
It was a pretty day...today is nice too. It makes me want to just run and run until I can't feel anything anymore. I feel like I can do anything~
He tucked it away again. It had been a week. He hadn't heard a whisper of suicide attempts. Please stay safe....
***
You sound so confident...I envy you.
***
He was starting to get curious of who this was. It was a private, all boys school. There were only so many students. Who was it? He wondered if he knew the other boy. What was he really like? He wondered what friends this other boy had. Probably he had none... He didn't like thoughts like those.
Sometimes I feel like I'm writing a letter to no one... I still don't know who you are.
***
The letters to no one. Maybe you're right about that.
It sounds kind of poetic though... ne?
***
It was something Yabu came to enjoy and dislike about the writer. He always turned even the simplest things into something of a darker beauty. He never knew what to say or what to think.
But it didn't really matter, so long as the boy kept on writing back.
Don't be like that. I can't be writing to no one. I'm writing to you. It's just strange to not have a face to think about.
***
Imagine I'm Justin Timberlake
***
Too weird!!!
I guess for now I'll just think of you as a star. Too far away to see clearly, but right there in the sky.
Sometimes he was surprised at the words he would write. He'd never say them aloud and he'd never, ever write them to any of his own friends. Somehow it was easy to write to this faceless, nameless person, this boy who had dark secrets. Yabu had already read the things that went on in the other's mind. The desperation, the insecurity, the hopelessness.
He'd barely noticed that he accepted what the writer told him without question. He couldn't understand why someone would lie about committing suicide.
But maybe he just thought that because he was being so completely honest.
***
Cheesy...
But you're something like a guardian angel. I guess it works.
***
And you call me cheesy?
Yabu had lost track of how many days it had been, he just realized that they'd gone through so many pages of the notebook. He wondered what they'd do if the pages ran out. He found that he'd come to enjoy the small scrawled words, even if this other boy made him sad sometimes.
***
I'm not joking.
I don't know what I would have done...well, you know.
You don't know how you've helped me.
I still don't understand. You don't even know me.
***
“You know what? I think Yabu-kun's in love,” Daiki announced during lunch, licking his fingers as he grinned over at the oldest of their group. “Ne?”
“Huh-what?” Yabu's head snapped up, almost spitting out the bite of food in his mouth. “Where did that come from?”
“Eeeh? Kou-chan likes someone?” Takaki and Hikaru were suddenly in his face, Hikaru playfully scowling and speaking in accusatory tones. “Why didn't you tell me!?”
“I do not!” He batted them both away, scooting backwards. “I'm eating my lunch!” He scowled back, hoping that by now Hikaru would know that when Yabu liked someone, he'd tell him.
“You were blushing~!” Daiki laughed gleefully. “Who is she? Is she pretty?”
“What if it's a he?” Inoo questioned quietly, frowning. He'd been pretty quiet that morning, just smiling at them all and eating his lunch in peace. It was a nice contrast to Takaki and Hikaru's inability to shut up.
They all paused to stare at him for a moment before returning their gazes to Yabu. He sat back a little, frowning at them both. It just seemed random. He hadn't been blushing! He'd just been lost in his own thoughts. Eating lunch was innocent enough? Granted, he had been thinking about the notebook...but he thought about that a lot. It had nothing to do with blushing. Blushing had nothing to do with what was going on.
Right?
“Yes, yes, Bubu...is it a boy? A claaaaaaaaaassmate~?” Hikaru looked much too excited at the prospects. “My bet's on Yasui-kun, he's always been so pretty....”
“Fuck you all!” Yabu exclaimed, cramming his lunch back into his bag and scrambling to his feet, trying to ignore how Daiki and Takaki were rolling on the ground, laughing. “I'm out of here,” He repressed a shudder. Sure, Hikaru was right...Yasui was rather cute. But he looked like he still belonged in elementary school. Ew.
“Bye, Kou~,” Inoo just waved with a half smile as Yabu stalked off.
Yabu knew that inside, he wasn't annoyed at their teasing. He was annoyed at himself. Who fell in love with someone you didn't know existed beyond words written on a page? It was stupid.
He wasn't in love...
He pointedly ignored the fact that even in his own mind, he sounded uncertain.
I wish I knew you.
I don't know anything about you, what you like, what you dislike.
I like the color blue and dogs. I like the wind. I like Chinese takeout.
I don't like thunderstorms.
No, he wasn't falling in love.
***
I like when the sun sets.
Butterflies coming out of their cocoons.
Traffic at night.
Leaves turning in autumn.
I like things that seem magical but are normal.
I don't like it when I try to write a song and somewhere between my mind and the paper, it goes horribly wrong.
***
You're a songwriter? So cool!
You think of strange things...I'll have to take a walk at night and see how it is.
He did. It was an oddly cool night for that time of the year. Car lights glowed as people traveled to here or to there. Yabu understood why his writer liked it so much. It was like standing in the middle of the night sky, the cars creating a soundtrack that was surprisingly soothing, all set against the inky backdrop of the sky above.
***
Sometimes I do. I never say it out loud though. Everyone would think I was just silly or weird...
***
Yabu occasionally wondered if he knew the boy writing to him. He tried to think of the guys on the soccer team with him. Tamamori never tried to hide the fact that he was weird...neither did Yamamoto, for that matter. Yamada was cute and sweet and dorky. Takeuchi and Kato were usually off in their own little world and Yabu didn't think any of the others fit either.
None of his other friends fit either. Besides the little notebook, he and Hikaru kept no secrets from each other (thankfully this meant that Hikaru didn't bug him about being in love), Daiki seemed too occupied with the dance team he'd just joined. Takaki wasn't the type. Inoo...
...Inoo.
He sat up, completely forgetting about the homework sitting in front of him.
Could it be Inoo?
Flipping his pen through his fingers, Yabu thought back over the past few weeks. Inoo had been very quiet, usually just smiling and letting Daiki and Hikaru carry the conversation. Yabu couldn't recall if he'd always been like that. He'd been really busy lately, not staying for all of lunchtime and usually too tied up to hang out after school or on the weekends. He'd mentioned extra studying and practice...Yabu tried to think back to how lunch had been today.
“Okay, so like, the teacher turns around and this stupid idiot next to me is totally messing with my hair and books and stuff, right?” Daiki waved his hands, animatedly retelling the story from his morning. “And it was driving me insane! So one time he leaning over a little too much and I stomped on his foot. He was all--” Daiki flailed around, faking a look of pain in imitation. “'Aaaah!!!' and then the teacher turns around all 'What is going on!?'” Daiki looked so smug as they all laughed. “And I just tilted my head and looked confused and told him that...well, I startled him while handing him the pencil he dropped. He totally just nodded and turned back to his notes and the idiot left me alone after that.”
“Next time you should just jab him with the pencil,” Hikaru chuckled, giving Daiki a high five.
Takaki pulled a face, wincing before giving them a wide-eyed look. “Ouuuuch... wouldn't he get lead poisoning~?”
Yabu opened his mouth to answer but Inoo suddenly stood up, swung his bag onto his shoulder and nearly brained Yabu with it. “I've gotta go...” He muttered, ducking slightly before walking away at a fast clip.
“...What's up with him?” Yabu asked carefully, staring after Inoo.
Takaki chewed his lip, also watching him. “His parents are fighting again. It's a bit...messy. Right now,” He scrambled to his feet. “Don't tell him I said that though,” He hurried after Inoo, calling out, “Hey, Kei-chan!”
Maybe it was Inoo, Yabu thought to himself, worriedly. He knew that Inoo went through a lot of pressure because of how smart and talented he was. If his parents were fighting and he wasn't seeing any of his friends much...
Inoo Kei...
Yabu rubbed his eyes, trying to not think about it, but the thoughts chased away any chances of productivity he had. Giving in, he reached for his phone, dialing Hikaru. He'd have asked Takaki since he lived above Inoo's place, but he knew Takaki was at the mall with some friends. Hikaru was a classmate and probably the second closest to Inoo in their group.
“Yo, Bubu~!” Hikaru's voice was cheerful as he answered the call.
Yabu rolled his eyes. “Stop playing video games and get your homework done,” He scolded, not giving the other a chance to protest before changing the subject. “Does Inoo-chan write songs?”
“What?”
“Does he write songs? You know...compose? Or anything?” Yabu tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.
Hikaru seemed to find it a normal enough question, he didn't start grilling Yabu for details on why he wanted to know. It was something that Yabu appreciated about his best friend. He was loud and all over the places at times, but he knew when to take things as they were presented. “I dunno. He probably does. I imagine that he'd get bored of just practicing other people's stuff with all the hours he spends on his keyboard. He doesn't mention it, but he gets shy about that kind of thing...”
“Thanks...” Yabu chatted with Hikaru for a few more minutes before shooing him off to do his homework, threatening to climb through his window with a baseball bat if he didn't get it done. Hikaru just laughed and hung up.
Later that night, Yabu lay in bed, trying to sort his thoughts out. What if Inoo was the writer? What if he wasn't? Yabu didn't know how he'd figure out that...It wasn't something he could just ask either in person or on the paper.
He fell asleep before he'd finished puzzling over it.
There's nothing wrong with being silly or weird. You are who you are.
And I think you're perfect just the way you are.
***
Within three days, Yabu broke.
He had to know who the writer was. What if it was Inoo? What if it wasn't?
He still needed to know. He knew he was secretly obsessing and he knew it was unhealthy. But he needed to find out who it was and make it stop. He wasn't in some chick flick film. He was in reality.
Real people didn't fall in love with other real people because of words on a page. It was insane.
He left his reply as usual - right before heading down to the tree for lunch. But he'd be going back after school to try and catch the writing boy. He needed to know so badly.
Lunch was a disaster of distractions.
“Are you okay?” Hikaru placed a gentle hand on Yabu's forehead. “You've been out of it for the past bit... and you just let Dai-chan steal half your lunch.”
Yabu chewed on his lip, glancing carelessly at his missing lunch. He didn't mind. He could barely chew and swallow, he was so nervous. There was anticipation bubbling up inside. “I'm fine,” he managed with a small smile. “Our teacher wasn't in a great mood today,” He made up an excuse. “The rest of the day doesn't look fun...”
There were murmurs of sympathy. Inoo even rested a hand on Yabu's shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze of encouragement.
It made his skin crawl and he tried not to flinch away. ’Do you really want to kill yourself?’ he wanted to ask, but kept his mouth shut, just thanking them all for understanding. Daiki refrained from stealing any more of his lunch and Takaki tried to distract them all as he related to them the story of Shohei-chan falling asleep in class and falling off of his desk.
Yabu made it through classes but only barely. While he had made up his teacher's bad mood, by the end of the day it had become real, if only because Yabu had twice managed to trail off mid-sentence and forget he was talking about at all. That was on top of dropping his textbooks at least five times. Not the best school day ever, Yabu thought as he sank down into his chair, silently apologetic for having made everyone else suffer with him.
Finally class was over and he was free, free to go. Boys bustled around him, rushing to escape to freedom, away from the school for the few precious hours until the next day. To Yabu they were miles away from him as he walked against the flow, heading to the stairs that would lead him up to the roof.
“Bubu~!” Hikaru appeared, catching his arm with a grin. “Where are you going!”
Yabu let out a small laugh of surprise. He'd hoped nobody would have spotted him. “Ah...I forgot a few things...” He didn't really like lying to Hikaru or anything, but he really needed to get to the roof. He wanted to find a comfortable spot to wait for his mystery writer.
“Ah well. I'll see you later!” Hikaru bobbed away. “I'm starving!”
Yabu just waved with a smile. Hikaru's stomach never failed to amuse him, his friend was constantly shoveling food down and yet he was eternally hungry.
But he had other things to think about.
Taking the steps two at a time, he raced up the stairs, pushed the door open....
...skidded to a halt as he realized he wasn't alone on the roof. Another boy was hunched over...right where crack with the notebook was. The other boy jumped back, startled, and Yabu briefly noticed that he was holding the notebook before another realization hit him.
It was Takaki Yuya standing there in front of him, looking half scared out of his wits, staring at Yabu with wide eyes.
Yabu's mind hadn't quite caught up to the rest of him as he strode over, trying to snatch at the notebook Takaki was clutching. “That's not yours! What are you doing up here!?”
Quickly taking a step back, Takaki uttered a soft 'oh' of surprise, still staring.
It dawned on Yabu right then. Inoo hadn't been the writer at all. He'd been wrong.
It had been Takaki.
“You?” He asked softly, his mind reeling from surprise. Takaki, the boy who was all sunshine and hugs...had wanted to kill himself. For a moment Yabu felt like he couldn't breathe. It couldn't have been Takaki. If Yabu had been any more crazy than he already was, he would have thought his own eyes were fooling him.
Standing before him, Takaki slowly nodded. “I... I'm sorry,” He whispered.
Yabu was still trying to absorb this information. He tried to imagine what it would have been like, getting the call that Takaki had committed suicide. He was one of the last people Yabu would have thought capable of killing himself, of wanting to kill himself. “Why!?”
“Don't....” Takaki pleaded, taking another step back as Yabu stepped forward. “Please don't.”
“Takaki...”
“No!” Takaki bolted past Yabu, dropping the notebook as he darted for the door.
“Wait!!” Snatching up the notebook (it wasn't something Yabu wanted just lying around), he hurried after Takaki, racing down the stairs, but Takaki had vanished into thin air by the time he'd gotten to the bottom. He hunted around a few more minutes but soon gave up, knowing that Takaki was likely far away by now.
He fingered his phone, pulling it out and flipping it open before stopping. Yes, he could call Takaki... But what was he supposed to say to him? He stood there for a moment, just thinking about what had changed over the past ten minutes. Half of him still couldn't believe it was Takaki.
Shouldn't he have noticed?
Shoulders slumping, Yabu trudged back up the stairs to retrieve his backpack. As he walked, he flipped the worn notebook open, flicking through all the messages they'd left each other. All the secrets they'd shared. This was Takaki...
He'd gotten to the last page and realized that Takaki had left him one last note.
I want to thank you. You don't even know everything you've done for me.
You saved me.
You made me realize that I could still do this. That it was going to be okay.
Thank you.
I wrote you a song. Even if you never hear it, it's just for you.
Yabu smiled bitterly. Don't thank me, he thought as he read the message over and over again, I saw you every day and never did anything.
No, he hadn't known. But somehow, Yabu felt like he should have. Why did you hide that from us?
Unable to concentrate on anything at all, Yabu ended up in bed, staring at the ceiling as the events replayed over and over again in his head.
He wasn't sure how to feel anymore. Taking a mental step backwards he already knew that he'd become way too attached to the writer. But the writer was Takaki and Yabu wasn't sure how to feel about it. He reasoned to himself that Takaki being the writer couldn't be anymore absurd than Inoo, but then he'd think about all the food fights, all the giggles, all the practical jokes. How could they be the same person?
Warm between his fingers was the small notebook filled with confessions of feeling hopeless, helpless, inadequate, stupid, inferior, and forgettable. Things that Yabu had never realized. It wasn't just those things that Takaki had confessed to hate about himself. It was all the little secrets. The traffic of the night and the other little glimpses into his world that he'd given Yabu. Yabu had found those enchanting, developing some strange crush...on Takaki. With that his mind came full circle and he'd start all over again.
Why were you hiding that...
He finally puzzled himself into a dreamless slumbering, nearly sleeping through his alarm. He felt dazed and disoriented as he rushed to get dressed and out the door for school. Hikaru eyed him in amusement as he stumbled onto the sidewalk. “Funny for you to be the one almost late~,” He cheerfully patted Yabu's shoulder as they set off. (Daiki was again absent. Yabu envied him.)
Yabu's mind was buzzing the entire walk to school and he felt the tension rising in his stomach. How was he going to face Takaki? What was he supposed to say to him? (Why should he have to say anything? He hadn't done anything wrong.)
Spending the entire trip trying to compose something to say, Yabu mentally tripped over himself when they arrived at the gates to find Inoo waiting there for them alone. No Takaki.
“Eeeh~?” Hikaru's voice broke into his thoughts. “Where's Yuuyan?”
Inoo shrugged slightly. “Dunno. I waited for him but he wouldn't answer my calls or texts.”
“Maa. I bet his phone battery died,” Hikaru shrugged right along with him. “Oh well, his grades, not mine. Let's go!”
Yabu stood unmoved by these words, his blood frozen. Takaki wasn't at school... Takaki wasn't answering his phone either. Had something bad happened?
“Bubu, come on!”
Yabu stared after them and then at the streets behind him.
Nobody knew what he knew. What if things had plummeted yesterday...?
What if Takaki had...?
Wouldn't they have heard about it?
What if nobody knew?
“Yabu!” He nearly jumped out of his skin, Hikaru and Inoo's yell startling him out of the paranoid thoughts racing around his head. His heart was pounding. His fingers shook slightly. It was so stupid...
...But Yabu needed to know he was okay.
“I gotta go,” He said finally, wheeling around and shooting down the sidewalk. He could hear them yelling behind him but he tuned them out. This was far more important than missing a day of school.
Takaki didn't live far from school and Yabu ran the whole way. His mind kept on inventing traumatic scenarios. Takaki with slit wrists. Takaki with an empty pill bottle at his side, or even Takaki jumping out of his bedroom window.
Just please still be breathing when I get there.
Yabu was out of breath by the time he got to Takaki's front door, pounding on it. Who was home? Was anybody home? Answer me, Yuya.
It felt like a good five minutes before the door unlocked and slowly swung open. Yabu nearly sagged with relief.
Dressed in sweats and an oversized shirt that was slipping off one shoulder, his hair a curly mess, was Takaki, rubbing his eyes and then blinking at him in surprise. “Oh...H-hi.”
Yabu just stared back at him for a few moments, resisting the urge to cry. When this was all over he was going to strangle Takaki for making him worry (the action itself would be counter-productive, so he resisted). “Why aren't you at school?”
Shuffling uncomfortably, Takaki stared down at his feet. “I...”
Yabu cut him off, “I was worried!”
“I'm sorry.” Takaki said in a small voice.
Yabu just glared at him for a moment before looking away. “Can I come in?”
Nodding slowly, Takaki stepped away, allowing Yabu to step inside before closing the door with a click, locking it again. “Do you want a drink or something? Tea?” Takaki started walking to the kitchen but Yabu silently grabbed his arm, shaking his head.
“I want to talk to you...”
Takaki gave him a look that contained a mixture of defeat and annoyance. Obviously he'd rather avoid the subject. “Fine,” he crossed his arms, pushing curls away from his eyes. “Talk.”
Yabu sighed, rubbing his eyes before reaching into his pocket and drawing the small notebook out it. “How long... has it been like this?” He asked, flipping it open to the first page, to the very first message.
Takaki fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I dunno,” He muttered, looking away. “Since last summer...? Maybe.”
“Why didn't you tell us? Any of us?” Yabu's voice cracked slightly and he scowled, stubbornly refusing to cry at a time like this.
Takaki's eyes had settled on a spot of carpet, his fingers still playing with the fabric of his shirt, stretching and twisting it. “Kei's got enough to deal with. It's hard on him, you know...all the stuff...and his parents. Daiki didn't need to know, he's only fourteen. I just couldn't imagine telling Hikaru about something...something like this. And you were always busy...I didn't want to distract you from soccer or something.”
“What?” Yabu grabbed Takaki's shoulders, giving him one good shake before choking out in incredulity. “Did you really think soccer? Soccer was more important than the fact that you felt like you should kill yourself?”
“I'm so--” Takaki began.
“Don't say it,” Yabu practically snapped, pulling him into a hug, holding him close and squeezing him tight. “God, Yuya. Do you know what it's be like...having to wake up and find out that you weren't there anymore? Do you really think we wouldn't care? How could you be so stupid?” He found it hard to speak, his throat constricted with emotion.
Takaki resisted for a few moments before relaxing into the embrace, his forehead resting on Yabu's shoulder. “I didn't know what to tell you...”
Yabu managed to not cry as he held Takaki, fingers running through his hair, just silent as Takaki slowly clung to him. “It's...It's okay,” he said finally, pulling back to look at Takaki, boldly wiping away the tears running down the other's cheek.
Takaki wasn't suited for tears. Yabu would do anything he could for things to truly be okay.
***
It was a lot less nerve wracking, the next time he knocked on Takaki's door. It was the weekend and Takaki's mother had informed him that the family would be out for a movie but Takaki had opted to stay at home. Yabu wasn't too worried, he just wanted to keep him company.
It had been three weeks and Yabu's words appeared to be fact. Takaki was in therapy and doing much better. He'd admitted his problems to the rest of the group (reluctantly to Daiki, but in the end, he was honest). Nobody made a big deal about it after the initial shock, choosing to accept him for it, and life seemed to adjust to the slight course changes and flow on.
The door opened and Takaki appeared, smiling sleepily and waving him in. “Mama said you'd be over~.”
“I figured you could use the company...” Yabu stepped in with a smile. “How've you been?” He asked, as if he hadn't just seen Takaki the day before.
“It's fine,” Takaki offered him a small smile, brushing hair out of his face. “I kinda like talking to my therapist.” He admitted sheepishly.
“So it's helping?” Yabu couldn't help but sound hopeful and eager. He wanted it so badly for Takaki to feel okay again.
Takaki bit his lip, still smiling. “It is...Thanks, Yabu-kun~”
“Mou~!” With a laugh, Yabu shrugged his shoulders. “It was the right thing to do. And hey, you used to call me Kou-chan.”
“Yeah, but...” Yabu could have sworn that Takaki was blushing, but maybe that was the lighting.
“I brought you something,” he quickly added, pulling something out of his pocket and showing Takaki. It was the notebook that they'd used for all that time, worn and battered, the wire binding bent out of shape, and the cover scruffy. There was no indication of how special it was to Yabu or Takaki.
“Oh...” Takaki's fingers reached out, gently plucking it out of his grasp. “I don't now what to say... Thank you.” He peeked up at Yabu for a moment before flipping it open. Yabu chuckled, wondering if it had been obvious in his expression.
At the end of their note exchange, Yabu had left him one last note.
I was right. You are like a star.
Your shine is so bright.
I'm just glad I was able to see it up close.
Thank you for telling me. Even when you didn't want to.
Thank you for being you.
I hope you never think you're ugly inside, because I've seen you.
And I think you're beautiful inside and out.
Takaki's eyes were shining as he read the note, looking up and giving him the brightest smile of them all before pulling him into a hug. “Thank you... Thank you so much, Kou-chan.”
Maybe it was just hearing that nickname again or the way it was spoken. Maybe it was just having Takaki in his arms after re-reading all the notes they'd left each other.
Maybe it was just the pounding of his heart.
Whatever it was, it had Yabu placing a finger under Takaki's chin when he pushed away. “Yuya...I...” he murmured, unable to find the perfect words.
Maybe he'd used them all up in his note.
You're so beautiful.
Please be mine
Gathering up his courage, he leaned in, pressing his lips to Takaki's in a soft kiss, letting that say anything he hadn't said already.
It was scary to admit that he had feelings for Takaki. He was afraid of Takaki pulling back and giving him a soft 'I'm sorry'. He was half expecting it, bracing himself for the rejection of a friend he'd come to love.
It made it a pleasant surprise when he felt Takaki kissing back, fingers curling into the front of his shirt to pull him closer.
The first kiss was broken but no words were said as Takaki claimed the next kiss. The second bled into the third and after that Yabu stopped counting, just holding Takaki close as they shared one sweet kiss after another, never wanting to let him go ever again.
Yabu lay awake in the dark, hours later, Takaki curled up against his side. He'd thought the other boy had fallen asleep but hearing a soft, almost inaudible whisper made him glance down. “What?”
Takaki sat up slowly, glancing at him. “I was just wondering...if you'd ever walk out of my life.”
Yabu blinked at that, sitting up next to him. He knew it was silly to make promises of things he didn't know about yet, things like forever love and the future. Instead, he pulled both of Takaki's hands towards him, kissing both of his palms and then his forehead. “Whatever happens Yuya, you will always been a shining star.”
☆★☆
Yabu awoke with a start, thrashing around the sheets before realizing he was safely in his bed, even as memories of a rooftop and the feel of worn paper lingered in his mind. He'd been dreaming again. Groaning, he rolled onto his side. He noticed he was alone in bed and the other side was cold. Sitting up, he looked around, feeling his heart rate quicken again.
It was just a dream... No need to panic, he scolded himself, quickly slipping out of bed as he noticed a light on in one of the other rooms.
Shuffling to the door way, he found Takaki sitting on the couch, curled around a guitar as he examined a few sheets sitting on the coffee table, singing softly to himself.
Free-falling without a chance
And right when I lost hope
You were there to catch me
I hope you know
How much you mean to me
Because at night
When all the stars come out to dance
I lay there and think of you
Only you
Yabu covered his mouth, his smile growing.
It had been five years.
Things were okay.
___________________________________________
A/N: I cannot even begin to say how proud I am of this fic. It came to me really easily! The size sort of amazed me at the end, but x: ♥♥♥ Thank you to Koukou and all of my other readers. x: I cannot believe that you put up with me. An extra special thanks to omoikkiri & shiroikazex for helping me get through and finish it all. ♥
Author: crazy_otaku911
Pairing: Yabu Kouta X Takaki Yuya, vague Yabu Kouta X Inoo Kei, BEST friendship.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: AU - Yabu finds a notebook on the roof of his high school with words that appear to be a prelude to suicide. When he writes back, Yabu finds himself in a strange correspondence, drawing closer to the mysterious writer. But the writer might be closer to Yabu than he thought.
Disclaimer: This work is purely fiction.
Warnings: Minor language, discussion and contemplation of suicide.
A/N: Beta'd by omoikkiri and shimizumiki ♥♥♥
Err...It's 7400! Enjoy. ♥
Written for my darling hotfruits~♥ Koukou~! I really, really hope you like this. ♥♥♥
It had been such a beautiful day.
Yabu could clearly remember that, the blue skies and the small breezes. It had him itching to play soccer, even if he had hours before practice even started.
He’d loved being on the roof of his school. It was where he could be alone and think, the sky sprawled out above him, giving him an odd sense of freedom as he sat there.
The notebook had been small, the kind that kids tucked in their pockets and never actually used. It took him a while to notice it tucked away between the cracks in the brick. It couldn't have been there yesterday...
He carefully pulled it out, glancing at it curiously. Who could have left it up here? They had to have done it on purpose, seeing as it had been placed in that small crevice.
Flipping it open, Yabu found that someone had written a note on the first page.
The message made him gape and his heart skip a beat.
Nobody would care if I killed myself.
***
“Maa...” Hikaru said later as they all sat under the tree they'd designated 'their spot' and ate lunch (Yabu had failed to stop Daiki from stealing part of his own food, his thoughts so occupied). “It's really weird....knowing you won't be here next year.”
“Hmm?” Yabu snapped back to reality to give Daiki a dirty look before turning back to Hikaru.
“You know...You'll be graduating and stuff,” Hikaru nodded, curling around his lunch to keep the tiny freshman away from it.
“Who's graduating?” Takaki appeared all of a sudden, plopping himself down at Daiki side, grinning. “Sorry I'm late~! I got distracted by Haru-kun and Akito. Junta made me lunch too!” He added proudly.
“Well if it isn't Mister Social Butterfly,” Inoo rolled his eyes and chuckled. “They're going to make you fat, you know. And Yabu-kun's graduating... so are you, actually,” Inoo laughed, having forgotten that Takaki was also a senior.
They were an odd bunch of friends, not similar at all, connected only because of where they lived and the fact that their parents were friends. Hikaru and Yabu had been best friends since they were in diapers, as their families lived next door to each other. Inoo had been around for maybe ten years, his mother a co-worker and friend of Yabu's mother. He and Hikaru were classmates. Takaki's family had moved into the apartment above Inoo's right before freshman year of high school and had been part of the group ever since. Daiki had moved in about the same time. He was young, short, and lived on the other side of Hikaru, and when food wasn't involved he was a lot of fun.
It wasn't just their varied ages, they all belonged to different social circles outside of their small group. Yabu was the king of soccer and hung out with the athletic kids. Hikaru was the school clown and had his own group of unusual friends. Inoo was the classic example of a perfect boy, the top of his year and a fantastically talented pianist - he hung out with the intellectual crowd. Daiki hadn't settled into a high school group yet, merely functioning as part of the freshmen flock. Takaki defied all standards, hopped from group to group, and seemed to know everyone in the school. He was a favorite among the freshmen.
It took Yabu a good five seconds to realize that he'd finished lunch and was trying to feed himself a nonexistent bite with his chopsticks. Blushing and quickly stuffing his lunchbox back into his bag, Yabu tried to pay attention to what his friends were saying. He quickly became confused.
“What does Kuri have do with graduating?” He asked, brows quirked as he tried to make the connection between the two. Kuri was Daiki's pet snake.
They all paused to give him an odd look. “New subject here, Bubu,” Hikaru gently patted his knee.
Flushing an even deeper red, Yabu tried his best to keep up this time. He still couldn't quite concentrate though, his mind was still on the roof with that small notebook.
He'd stared at the small message on the page for a good five minutes, feeling his heart thud in his chest. He hadn't heard of any suicide attempts, but this had probably just recently been placed in the crack...He fumbled with his bag, producing a pen. He quickly scrawled under the note.
I don't know you. But please don't do it. Life is precious. You can talk to me. You don't know me...but I want to help.
He supposed it was a foolish attempt, to write the note and replace the pad in the crack. He hoped that the writer would return and see it. Maybe it would help. He didn't know if the writer had been serious or not... but what if he had been? Yabu felt a small knot of unease grow in his stomach the more he thought about it. He wanted to help this person, even though he had no idea who he was. He wasn't sure why, but the small note had just struck a chord inside. Yabu didn't even know him and he knew he'd care if he killed himself.
It was such a sad thought.
“Earth to Kou-chan~!” Takaki laughed, poking Yabu out of his reverie. “You look like you failed a quiz. Did you get one? They gave us a history quiz.”
“Man, I hate it when they spring quizzes on us... I mean, I know all the stuff, but what's wrong with a little warning?” Inoo rolled his eyes, nibbling on his lunch (he always took forever to eat.)
“Nah. No tests today,” Yabu let out a sheepish laugh before tentatively asking, “Ne, got any plans? For when you graduate?” While it was farther away for some more than others, Yabu couldn't help but wonder about his friends and what they had planned for the future. Somebody out there thought they didn't have one. What about within their small group?
“I dunno~,” Takaki said with a small shrug. “Tama-chan and I were thinking of renting a place together? Not sure about school or whatever, but we've got time!”
“I'm still gonna be a rockstar!” Hikaru jokingly declared, eyes dancing as he air-guitared for a moment.
Yabu laughed with the rest of them, even as his thoughts wandered off again. They were so carefree and happy. What about the writer? Why didn't he believe in his own future? Yabu tried to imagine how unhappy he'd have to be to kill himself.
“What about you~?” It was Daiki's turn to poke Yabu's side to get his attention.
Yabu blinked, taking a moment to comprehend the other's words. “Ah? Oh... I still plan on being a teacher,” He managed a small smile, standing up and grabbing his backpack. “I think I forgot to give Nikaido-kun his notes.” He quickly lied, too restless to sit there as they chatted. “I'll see you later.”
“See you, Kou-chan!” Inoo and the rest cheerfully waved as he headed back into the school building.
Having already given Nikaido his notes before the school day had started, Yabu had nothing to do but think about the notebook on the roof. He couldn't get the words out of his head.
Nobody would care if I killed myself.
***
Yabu had to resist waking up early and heading straight to the roof of the school to see if the writer had returned. He'd refrained from checking after school, if only because he always walked home with Hikaru, and Hikaru would notice if he was late. Yabu didn't want the questions.
Hikaru was pretty much the reason he wasn't checking now either. He always walked to school with Hikaru...and Daiki, when he woke up on time. There was never a guarantee of that happening so he never knew.
It was easier to keep on track that morning, though he had the notebook in the back of his mind. He tried to relax during the walk to school, even if he half expected to arrive and learn that someone had killed themselves. He prayed it wouldn't happen and it appeared that his prayer had been answered. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary when they arrived, and Inoo and Takaki were waiting for them at the gates.
“Daiki oversleep again?” Takaki asked with a snort. “Seriously, that guy is horrible at waking up.”
“Like you can talk!” Inoo smacked him over the head. “I know you make Nakama-kun call you every morning to get you up on time.”
“...But I'm still on time?” Takaki looked so hopeful that Yabu had to laugh, nudging them all inside.
“We won't be on time if we don't actually get to our classrooms,” He reminded them and they all split for the day.
Yabu was distracted all through class, trying his best to take it all in, but his mind still dwelled on the rooftop. He knew it was silly to be so intent on the notebook, but there was something about it that made him unable to forget. Maybe it was because he knew it was one of the students attending the school (who else would have put it there? Certainly not a teacher). He didn't like the idea of losing one of them. He didn't know everyone - he wasn't Takaki - but they were all just starting their lives. Now was just the beginning of their journey, they had so far to go before walking through the gates of dea--
“I would appreciate it if you would pay attention to the lesson, Yabu-kun,” his teacher's light reprimand brought Yabu back to earth. Apparently Yabu's mind had chosen to wax poetic...and on top of that it would seem that he'd drooled, having gone slack-jawed in the meantime.
Flushing, he wiped his mouth and ducked his head, muttering an apology as he focused on his textbook, trying to ignore the tittering of his classmates around him.
With luck and determination Yabu made it through the rest of the morning without any other incidents. Grabbing his backpack, he practically bolted out of the classroom.
Up on the roof, he took a quick peek around to make sure he was the only one up there. It wasn't a very popular rooftop, always too hot or too cold or too far of a walk...But Yabu liked it and its relative silence. It was empty and Yabu slid over to where the notebook had been found the day previous.
It was still there.
Feeling stupidly nervous, Yabu carefully removed the notebook, flipping it open to the first page. He felt a small jolt of excitement as he realized that there was now a response to his writing.
I feel lost. I don't know anymore. I don't feel okay. I'm freezing and it's sunny right now. It's bright and I feel like my eyes have been covered.
I don't want to give up.
But I don't feel like me.
It was in the same hand as the previous note. He knew that he should have just seen this as a prank but he just couldn't help but believe it. He wanted to, perhaps.
He pulled the pen out of his pocket, thinking for a moment before writing.
Don't give up. I wish I could help you. I don't want to come to school and hear about what might happen. We're just kids still. You have so much ahead of you.
He felt embarrassed and foolish and not even that could keep him from putting the notebook back in its place before leaving the roof to meet up with his friends. His heart was doing an odd skip-beat but he felt almost happy, not nearly as nauseous as he had the day before.
***
It feels so dark.
***
It's not so bad...Do something for me. Cover your eyes!
And then just sit here for a moment.
I'm doing it right now~
The sun is so warm. And I can hear the city and the breeze.
Do you feel better? It's still dark...and it's not fun being in the dark. But there's always something good!
He'd never felt so cheesy before. But whoever this boy was he wanted to help him. He couldn't think of anything else short of running through every classroom and asking.
The other boy was still writing back to him. Yabu would do what he could.
***
I felt silly...Do you feel like you're going to fall into the sky? But it was a pretty day today...
***
By now Yabu had figured out that whoever was writing him would reply sometime in the afternoon, because he'd given in to the urge and checked during the early morning, managing to pull it off and return before walking back to school with Hikaru. He considered himself brilliant.
It was a pretty day...today is nice too. It makes me want to just run and run until I can't feel anything anymore. I feel like I can do anything~
He tucked it away again. It had been a week. He hadn't heard a whisper of suicide attempts. Please stay safe....
***
You sound so confident...I envy you.
***
He was starting to get curious of who this was. It was a private, all boys school. There were only so many students. Who was it? He wondered if he knew the other boy. What was he really like? He wondered what friends this other boy had. Probably he had none... He didn't like thoughts like those.
Sometimes I feel like I'm writing a letter to no one... I still don't know who you are.
***
The letters to no one. Maybe you're right about that.
It sounds kind of poetic though... ne?
***
It was something Yabu came to enjoy and dislike about the writer. He always turned even the simplest things into something of a darker beauty. He never knew what to say or what to think.
But it didn't really matter, so long as the boy kept on writing back.
Don't be like that. I can't be writing to no one. I'm writing to you. It's just strange to not have a face to think about.
***
Imagine I'm Justin Timberlake
***
Too weird!!!
I guess for now I'll just think of you as a star. Too far away to see clearly, but right there in the sky.
Sometimes he was surprised at the words he would write. He'd never say them aloud and he'd never, ever write them to any of his own friends. Somehow it was easy to write to this faceless, nameless person, this boy who had dark secrets. Yabu had already read the things that went on in the other's mind. The desperation, the insecurity, the hopelessness.
He'd barely noticed that he accepted what the writer told him without question. He couldn't understand why someone would lie about committing suicide.
But maybe he just thought that because he was being so completely honest.
***
Cheesy...
But you're something like a guardian angel. I guess it works.
***
And you call me cheesy?
Yabu had lost track of how many days it had been, he just realized that they'd gone through so many pages of the notebook. He wondered what they'd do if the pages ran out. He found that he'd come to enjoy the small scrawled words, even if this other boy made him sad sometimes.
***
I'm not joking.
I don't know what I would have done...well, you know.
You don't know how you've helped me.
I still don't understand. You don't even know me.
***
“You know what? I think Yabu-kun's in love,” Daiki announced during lunch, licking his fingers as he grinned over at the oldest of their group. “Ne?”
“Huh-what?” Yabu's head snapped up, almost spitting out the bite of food in his mouth. “Where did that come from?”
“Eeeh? Kou-chan likes someone?” Takaki and Hikaru were suddenly in his face, Hikaru playfully scowling and speaking in accusatory tones. “Why didn't you tell me!?”
“I do not!” He batted them both away, scooting backwards. “I'm eating my lunch!” He scowled back, hoping that by now Hikaru would know that when Yabu liked someone, he'd tell him.
“You were blushing~!” Daiki laughed gleefully. “Who is she? Is she pretty?”
“What if it's a he?” Inoo questioned quietly, frowning. He'd been pretty quiet that morning, just smiling at them all and eating his lunch in peace. It was a nice contrast to Takaki and Hikaru's inability to shut up.
They all paused to stare at him for a moment before returning their gazes to Yabu. He sat back a little, frowning at them both. It just seemed random. He hadn't been blushing! He'd just been lost in his own thoughts. Eating lunch was innocent enough? Granted, he had been thinking about the notebook...but he thought about that a lot. It had nothing to do with blushing. Blushing had nothing to do with what was going on.
Right?
“Yes, yes, Bubu...is it a boy? A claaaaaaaaaassmate~?” Hikaru looked much too excited at the prospects. “My bet's on Yasui-kun, he's always been so pretty....”
“Fuck you all!” Yabu exclaimed, cramming his lunch back into his bag and scrambling to his feet, trying to ignore how Daiki and Takaki were rolling on the ground, laughing. “I'm out of here,” He repressed a shudder. Sure, Hikaru was right...Yasui was rather cute. But he looked like he still belonged in elementary school. Ew.
“Bye, Kou~,” Inoo just waved with a half smile as Yabu stalked off.
Yabu knew that inside, he wasn't annoyed at their teasing. He was annoyed at himself. Who fell in love with someone you didn't know existed beyond words written on a page? It was stupid.
He wasn't in love...
He pointedly ignored the fact that even in his own mind, he sounded uncertain.
I wish I knew you.
I don't know anything about you, what you like, what you dislike.
I like the color blue and dogs. I like the wind. I like Chinese takeout.
I don't like thunderstorms.
No, he wasn't falling in love.
***
I like when the sun sets.
Butterflies coming out of their cocoons.
Traffic at night.
Leaves turning in autumn.
I like things that seem magical but are normal.
I don't like it when I try to write a song and somewhere between my mind and the paper, it goes horribly wrong.
***
You're a songwriter? So cool!
You think of strange things...I'll have to take a walk at night and see how it is.
He did. It was an oddly cool night for that time of the year. Car lights glowed as people traveled to here or to there. Yabu understood why his writer liked it so much. It was like standing in the middle of the night sky, the cars creating a soundtrack that was surprisingly soothing, all set against the inky backdrop of the sky above.
***
Sometimes I do. I never say it out loud though. Everyone would think I was just silly or weird...
***
Yabu occasionally wondered if he knew the boy writing to him. He tried to think of the guys on the soccer team with him. Tamamori never tried to hide the fact that he was weird...neither did Yamamoto, for that matter. Yamada was cute and sweet and dorky. Takeuchi and Kato were usually off in their own little world and Yabu didn't think any of the others fit either.
None of his other friends fit either. Besides the little notebook, he and Hikaru kept no secrets from each other (thankfully this meant that Hikaru didn't bug him about being in love), Daiki seemed too occupied with the dance team he'd just joined. Takaki wasn't the type. Inoo...
...Inoo.
He sat up, completely forgetting about the homework sitting in front of him.
Could it be Inoo?
Flipping his pen through his fingers, Yabu thought back over the past few weeks. Inoo had been very quiet, usually just smiling and letting Daiki and Hikaru carry the conversation. Yabu couldn't recall if he'd always been like that. He'd been really busy lately, not staying for all of lunchtime and usually too tied up to hang out after school or on the weekends. He'd mentioned extra studying and practice...Yabu tried to think back to how lunch had been today.
“Okay, so like, the teacher turns around and this stupid idiot next to me is totally messing with my hair and books and stuff, right?” Daiki waved his hands, animatedly retelling the story from his morning. “And it was driving me insane! So one time he leaning over a little too much and I stomped on his foot. He was all--” Daiki flailed around, faking a look of pain in imitation. “'Aaaah!!!' and then the teacher turns around all 'What is going on!?'” Daiki looked so smug as they all laughed. “And I just tilted my head and looked confused and told him that...well, I startled him while handing him the pencil he dropped. He totally just nodded and turned back to his notes and the idiot left me alone after that.”
“Next time you should just jab him with the pencil,” Hikaru chuckled, giving Daiki a high five.
Takaki pulled a face, wincing before giving them a wide-eyed look. “Ouuuuch... wouldn't he get lead poisoning~?”
Yabu opened his mouth to answer but Inoo suddenly stood up, swung his bag onto his shoulder and nearly brained Yabu with it. “I've gotta go...” He muttered, ducking slightly before walking away at a fast clip.
“...What's up with him?” Yabu asked carefully, staring after Inoo.
Takaki chewed his lip, also watching him. “His parents are fighting again. It's a bit...messy. Right now,” He scrambled to his feet. “Don't tell him I said that though,” He hurried after Inoo, calling out, “Hey, Kei-chan!”
Maybe it was Inoo, Yabu thought to himself, worriedly. He knew that Inoo went through a lot of pressure because of how smart and talented he was. If his parents were fighting and he wasn't seeing any of his friends much...
Inoo Kei...
Yabu rubbed his eyes, trying to not think about it, but the thoughts chased away any chances of productivity he had. Giving in, he reached for his phone, dialing Hikaru. He'd have asked Takaki since he lived above Inoo's place, but he knew Takaki was at the mall with some friends. Hikaru was a classmate and probably the second closest to Inoo in their group.
“Yo, Bubu~!” Hikaru's voice was cheerful as he answered the call.
Yabu rolled his eyes. “Stop playing video games and get your homework done,” He scolded, not giving the other a chance to protest before changing the subject. “Does Inoo-chan write songs?”
“What?”
“Does he write songs? You know...compose? Or anything?” Yabu tried to sound as nonchalant as possible.
Hikaru seemed to find it a normal enough question, he didn't start grilling Yabu for details on why he wanted to know. It was something that Yabu appreciated about his best friend. He was loud and all over the places at times, but he knew when to take things as they were presented. “I dunno. He probably does. I imagine that he'd get bored of just practicing other people's stuff with all the hours he spends on his keyboard. He doesn't mention it, but he gets shy about that kind of thing...”
“Thanks...” Yabu chatted with Hikaru for a few more minutes before shooing him off to do his homework, threatening to climb through his window with a baseball bat if he didn't get it done. Hikaru just laughed and hung up.
Later that night, Yabu lay in bed, trying to sort his thoughts out. What if Inoo was the writer? What if he wasn't? Yabu didn't know how he'd figure out that...It wasn't something he could just ask either in person or on the paper.
He fell asleep before he'd finished puzzling over it.
There's nothing wrong with being silly or weird. You are who you are.
And I think you're perfect just the way you are.
***
Within three days, Yabu broke.
He had to know who the writer was. What if it was Inoo? What if it wasn't?
He still needed to know. He knew he was secretly obsessing and he knew it was unhealthy. But he needed to find out who it was and make it stop. He wasn't in some chick flick film. He was in reality.
Real people didn't fall in love with other real people because of words on a page. It was insane.
He left his reply as usual - right before heading down to the tree for lunch. But he'd be going back after school to try and catch the writing boy. He needed to know so badly.
Lunch was a disaster of distractions.
“Are you okay?” Hikaru placed a gentle hand on Yabu's forehead. “You've been out of it for the past bit... and you just let Dai-chan steal half your lunch.”
Yabu chewed on his lip, glancing carelessly at his missing lunch. He didn't mind. He could barely chew and swallow, he was so nervous. There was anticipation bubbling up inside. “I'm fine,” he managed with a small smile. “Our teacher wasn't in a great mood today,” He made up an excuse. “The rest of the day doesn't look fun...”
There were murmurs of sympathy. Inoo even rested a hand on Yabu's shoulder and gave it a soft squeeze of encouragement.
It made his skin crawl and he tried not to flinch away. ’Do you really want to kill yourself?’ he wanted to ask, but kept his mouth shut, just thanking them all for understanding. Daiki refrained from stealing any more of his lunch and Takaki tried to distract them all as he related to them the story of Shohei-chan falling asleep in class and falling off of his desk.
Yabu made it through classes but only barely. While he had made up his teacher's bad mood, by the end of the day it had become real, if only because Yabu had twice managed to trail off mid-sentence and forget he was talking about at all. That was on top of dropping his textbooks at least five times. Not the best school day ever, Yabu thought as he sank down into his chair, silently apologetic for having made everyone else suffer with him.
Finally class was over and he was free, free to go. Boys bustled around him, rushing to escape to freedom, away from the school for the few precious hours until the next day. To Yabu they were miles away from him as he walked against the flow, heading to the stairs that would lead him up to the roof.
“Bubu~!” Hikaru appeared, catching his arm with a grin. “Where are you going!”
Yabu let out a small laugh of surprise. He'd hoped nobody would have spotted him. “Ah...I forgot a few things...” He didn't really like lying to Hikaru or anything, but he really needed to get to the roof. He wanted to find a comfortable spot to wait for his mystery writer.
“Ah well. I'll see you later!” Hikaru bobbed away. “I'm starving!”
Yabu just waved with a smile. Hikaru's stomach never failed to amuse him, his friend was constantly shoveling food down and yet he was eternally hungry.
But he had other things to think about.
Taking the steps two at a time, he raced up the stairs, pushed the door open....
...skidded to a halt as he realized he wasn't alone on the roof. Another boy was hunched over...right where crack with the notebook was. The other boy jumped back, startled, and Yabu briefly noticed that he was holding the notebook before another realization hit him.
It was Takaki Yuya standing there in front of him, looking half scared out of his wits, staring at Yabu with wide eyes.
Yabu's mind hadn't quite caught up to the rest of him as he strode over, trying to snatch at the notebook Takaki was clutching. “That's not yours! What are you doing up here!?”
Quickly taking a step back, Takaki uttered a soft 'oh' of surprise, still staring.
It dawned on Yabu right then. Inoo hadn't been the writer at all. He'd been wrong.
It had been Takaki.
“You?” He asked softly, his mind reeling from surprise. Takaki, the boy who was all sunshine and hugs...had wanted to kill himself. For a moment Yabu felt like he couldn't breathe. It couldn't have been Takaki. If Yabu had been any more crazy than he already was, he would have thought his own eyes were fooling him.
Standing before him, Takaki slowly nodded. “I... I'm sorry,” He whispered.
Yabu was still trying to absorb this information. He tried to imagine what it would have been like, getting the call that Takaki had committed suicide. He was one of the last people Yabu would have thought capable of killing himself, of wanting to kill himself. “Why!?”
“Don't....” Takaki pleaded, taking another step back as Yabu stepped forward. “Please don't.”
“Takaki...”
“No!” Takaki bolted past Yabu, dropping the notebook as he darted for the door.
“Wait!!” Snatching up the notebook (it wasn't something Yabu wanted just lying around), he hurried after Takaki, racing down the stairs, but Takaki had vanished into thin air by the time he'd gotten to the bottom. He hunted around a few more minutes but soon gave up, knowing that Takaki was likely far away by now.
He fingered his phone, pulling it out and flipping it open before stopping. Yes, he could call Takaki... But what was he supposed to say to him? He stood there for a moment, just thinking about what had changed over the past ten minutes. Half of him still couldn't believe it was Takaki.
Shouldn't he have noticed?
Shoulders slumping, Yabu trudged back up the stairs to retrieve his backpack. As he walked, he flipped the worn notebook open, flicking through all the messages they'd left each other. All the secrets they'd shared. This was Takaki...
He'd gotten to the last page and realized that Takaki had left him one last note.
I want to thank you. You don't even know everything you've done for me.
You saved me.
You made me realize that I could still do this. That it was going to be okay.
Thank you.
I wrote you a song. Even if you never hear it, it's just for you.
Yabu smiled bitterly. Don't thank me, he thought as he read the message over and over again, I saw you every day and never did anything.
No, he hadn't known. But somehow, Yabu felt like he should have. Why did you hide that from us?
Unable to concentrate on anything at all, Yabu ended up in bed, staring at the ceiling as the events replayed over and over again in his head.
He wasn't sure how to feel anymore. Taking a mental step backwards he already knew that he'd become way too attached to the writer. But the writer was Takaki and Yabu wasn't sure how to feel about it. He reasoned to himself that Takaki being the writer couldn't be anymore absurd than Inoo, but then he'd think about all the food fights, all the giggles, all the practical jokes. How could they be the same person?
Warm between his fingers was the small notebook filled with confessions of feeling hopeless, helpless, inadequate, stupid, inferior, and forgettable. Things that Yabu had never realized. It wasn't just those things that Takaki had confessed to hate about himself. It was all the little secrets. The traffic of the night and the other little glimpses into his world that he'd given Yabu. Yabu had found those enchanting, developing some strange crush...on Takaki. With that his mind came full circle and he'd start all over again.
Why were you hiding that...
He finally puzzled himself into a dreamless slumbering, nearly sleeping through his alarm. He felt dazed and disoriented as he rushed to get dressed and out the door for school. Hikaru eyed him in amusement as he stumbled onto the sidewalk. “Funny for you to be the one almost late~,” He cheerfully patted Yabu's shoulder as they set off. (Daiki was again absent. Yabu envied him.)
Yabu's mind was buzzing the entire walk to school and he felt the tension rising in his stomach. How was he going to face Takaki? What was he supposed to say to him? (Why should he have to say anything? He hadn't done anything wrong.)
Spending the entire trip trying to compose something to say, Yabu mentally tripped over himself when they arrived at the gates to find Inoo waiting there for them alone. No Takaki.
“Eeeh~?” Hikaru's voice broke into his thoughts. “Where's Yuuyan?”
Inoo shrugged slightly. “Dunno. I waited for him but he wouldn't answer my calls or texts.”
“Maa. I bet his phone battery died,” Hikaru shrugged right along with him. “Oh well, his grades, not mine. Let's go!”
Yabu stood unmoved by these words, his blood frozen. Takaki wasn't at school... Takaki wasn't answering his phone either. Had something bad happened?
“Bubu, come on!”
Yabu stared after them and then at the streets behind him.
Nobody knew what he knew. What if things had plummeted yesterday...?
What if Takaki had...?
Wouldn't they have heard about it?
What if nobody knew?
“Yabu!” He nearly jumped out of his skin, Hikaru and Inoo's yell startling him out of the paranoid thoughts racing around his head. His heart was pounding. His fingers shook slightly. It was so stupid...
...But Yabu needed to know he was okay.
“I gotta go,” He said finally, wheeling around and shooting down the sidewalk. He could hear them yelling behind him but he tuned them out. This was far more important than missing a day of school.
Takaki didn't live far from school and Yabu ran the whole way. His mind kept on inventing traumatic scenarios. Takaki with slit wrists. Takaki with an empty pill bottle at his side, or even Takaki jumping out of his bedroom window.
Just please still be breathing when I get there.
Yabu was out of breath by the time he got to Takaki's front door, pounding on it. Who was home? Was anybody home? Answer me, Yuya.
It felt like a good five minutes before the door unlocked and slowly swung open. Yabu nearly sagged with relief.
Dressed in sweats and an oversized shirt that was slipping off one shoulder, his hair a curly mess, was Takaki, rubbing his eyes and then blinking at him in surprise. “Oh...H-hi.”
Yabu just stared back at him for a few moments, resisting the urge to cry. When this was all over he was going to strangle Takaki for making him worry (the action itself would be counter-productive, so he resisted). “Why aren't you at school?”
Shuffling uncomfortably, Takaki stared down at his feet. “I...”
Yabu cut him off, “I was worried!”
“I'm sorry.” Takaki said in a small voice.
Yabu just glared at him for a moment before looking away. “Can I come in?”
Nodding slowly, Takaki stepped away, allowing Yabu to step inside before closing the door with a click, locking it again. “Do you want a drink or something? Tea?” Takaki started walking to the kitchen but Yabu silently grabbed his arm, shaking his head.
“I want to talk to you...”
Takaki gave him a look that contained a mixture of defeat and annoyance. Obviously he'd rather avoid the subject. “Fine,” he crossed his arms, pushing curls away from his eyes. “Talk.”
Yabu sighed, rubbing his eyes before reaching into his pocket and drawing the small notebook out it. “How long... has it been like this?” He asked, flipping it open to the first page, to the very first message.
Takaki fiddled with the hem of his shirt. “I dunno,” He muttered, looking away. “Since last summer...? Maybe.”
“Why didn't you tell us? Any of us?” Yabu's voice cracked slightly and he scowled, stubbornly refusing to cry at a time like this.
Takaki's eyes had settled on a spot of carpet, his fingers still playing with the fabric of his shirt, stretching and twisting it. “Kei's got enough to deal with. It's hard on him, you know...all the stuff...and his parents. Daiki didn't need to know, he's only fourteen. I just couldn't imagine telling Hikaru about something...something like this. And you were always busy...I didn't want to distract you from soccer or something.”
“What?” Yabu grabbed Takaki's shoulders, giving him one good shake before choking out in incredulity. “Did you really think soccer? Soccer was more important than the fact that you felt like you should kill yourself?”
“I'm so--” Takaki began.
“Don't say it,” Yabu practically snapped, pulling him into a hug, holding him close and squeezing him tight. “God, Yuya. Do you know what it's be like...having to wake up and find out that you weren't there anymore? Do you really think we wouldn't care? How could you be so stupid?” He found it hard to speak, his throat constricted with emotion.
Takaki resisted for a few moments before relaxing into the embrace, his forehead resting on Yabu's shoulder. “I didn't know what to tell you...”
Yabu managed to not cry as he held Takaki, fingers running through his hair, just silent as Takaki slowly clung to him. “It's...It's okay,” he said finally, pulling back to look at Takaki, boldly wiping away the tears running down the other's cheek.
Takaki wasn't suited for tears. Yabu would do anything he could for things to truly be okay.
***
It was a lot less nerve wracking, the next time he knocked on Takaki's door. It was the weekend and Takaki's mother had informed him that the family would be out for a movie but Takaki had opted to stay at home. Yabu wasn't too worried, he just wanted to keep him company.
It had been three weeks and Yabu's words appeared to be fact. Takaki was in therapy and doing much better. He'd admitted his problems to the rest of the group (reluctantly to Daiki, but in the end, he was honest). Nobody made a big deal about it after the initial shock, choosing to accept him for it, and life seemed to adjust to the slight course changes and flow on.
The door opened and Takaki appeared, smiling sleepily and waving him in. “Mama said you'd be over~.”
“I figured you could use the company...” Yabu stepped in with a smile. “How've you been?” He asked, as if he hadn't just seen Takaki the day before.
“It's fine,” Takaki offered him a small smile, brushing hair out of his face. “I kinda like talking to my therapist.” He admitted sheepishly.
“So it's helping?” Yabu couldn't help but sound hopeful and eager. He wanted it so badly for Takaki to feel okay again.
Takaki bit his lip, still smiling. “It is...Thanks, Yabu-kun~”
“Mou~!” With a laugh, Yabu shrugged his shoulders. “It was the right thing to do. And hey, you used to call me Kou-chan.”
“Yeah, but...” Yabu could have sworn that Takaki was blushing, but maybe that was the lighting.
“I brought you something,” he quickly added, pulling something out of his pocket and showing Takaki. It was the notebook that they'd used for all that time, worn and battered, the wire binding bent out of shape, and the cover scruffy. There was no indication of how special it was to Yabu or Takaki.
“Oh...” Takaki's fingers reached out, gently plucking it out of his grasp. “I don't now what to say... Thank you.” He peeked up at Yabu for a moment before flipping it open. Yabu chuckled, wondering if it had been obvious in his expression.
At the end of their note exchange, Yabu had left him one last note.
I was right. You are like a star.
Your shine is so bright.
I'm just glad I was able to see it up close.
Thank you for telling me. Even when you didn't want to.
Thank you for being you.
I hope you never think you're ugly inside, because I've seen you.
And I think you're beautiful inside and out.
Takaki's eyes were shining as he read the note, looking up and giving him the brightest smile of them all before pulling him into a hug. “Thank you... Thank you so much, Kou-chan.”
Maybe it was just hearing that nickname again or the way it was spoken. Maybe it was just having Takaki in his arms after re-reading all the notes they'd left each other.
Maybe it was just the pounding of his heart.
Whatever it was, it had Yabu placing a finger under Takaki's chin when he pushed away. “Yuya...I...” he murmured, unable to find the perfect words.
Maybe he'd used them all up in his note.
You're so beautiful.
Please be mine
Gathering up his courage, he leaned in, pressing his lips to Takaki's in a soft kiss, letting that say anything he hadn't said already.
It was scary to admit that he had feelings for Takaki. He was afraid of Takaki pulling back and giving him a soft 'I'm sorry'. He was half expecting it, bracing himself for the rejection of a friend he'd come to love.
It made it a pleasant surprise when he felt Takaki kissing back, fingers curling into the front of his shirt to pull him closer.
The first kiss was broken but no words were said as Takaki claimed the next kiss. The second bled into the third and after that Yabu stopped counting, just holding Takaki close as they shared one sweet kiss after another, never wanting to let him go ever again.
Yabu lay awake in the dark, hours later, Takaki curled up against his side. He'd thought the other boy had fallen asleep but hearing a soft, almost inaudible whisper made him glance down. “What?”
Takaki sat up slowly, glancing at him. “I was just wondering...if you'd ever walk out of my life.”
Yabu blinked at that, sitting up next to him. He knew it was silly to make promises of things he didn't know about yet, things like forever love and the future. Instead, he pulled both of Takaki's hands towards him, kissing both of his palms and then his forehead. “Whatever happens Yuya, you will always been a shining star.”
☆★☆
Yabu awoke with a start, thrashing around the sheets before realizing he was safely in his bed, even as memories of a rooftop and the feel of worn paper lingered in his mind. He'd been dreaming again. Groaning, he rolled onto his side. He noticed he was alone in bed and the other side was cold. Sitting up, he looked around, feeling his heart rate quicken again.
It was just a dream... No need to panic, he scolded himself, quickly slipping out of bed as he noticed a light on in one of the other rooms.
Shuffling to the door way, he found Takaki sitting on the couch, curled around a guitar as he examined a few sheets sitting on the coffee table, singing softly to himself.
Free-falling without a chance
And right when I lost hope
You were there to catch me
I hope you know
How much you mean to me
Because at night
When all the stars come out to dance
I lay there and think of you
Only you
Yabu covered his mouth, his smile growing.
It had been five years.
Things were okay.
___________________________________________
A/N: I cannot even begin to say how proud I am of this fic. It came to me really easily! The size sort of amazed me at the end, but x: ♥♥♥ Thank you to Koukou and all of my other readers. x: I cannot believe that you put up with me. An extra special thanks to omoikkiri & shiroikazex for helping me get through and finish it all. ♥