(no subject)
I've been thinking a lot about the past recently. I saw a facebook back for the NorthEast YMCA leaders school, which was a week long camp program I went to for three of my high school summers and I would say a program had did a great deal for shaping who I am. I started thinking about how positive I felt about life and my future then. I mean I thought I needed to lose weight and I didn't think boys noticed me, which both were probably incorrect because thirty pounds heavier I feel like if I could just lose thirty pounds I would feel thin. But I learned a lot about friendship and teamwork and about what makes me excited. What makes me want to live, feel alive. I mean it happened many times at Gordon too, particularly during the two missions trips I took. I love working with people and building relationships through experience...its probably why I'm drawn to teaching, to youth group, to writing books that are primarily about the growth of relationships.
Right now though I am just so stuck. I feel fat and unwanted and not pretty (which is all silly little things except they take their toll). I feel cast off. I worry about a world in which my not quite ex husband is playing house with his girlfriend and my child. I don't want her to ever think of herself as a 'mother' to my child, even in the step sense. I can't control what she thinks. I can't control much of what he does on his time with Zach. And I'm so scared to move forward in divorce because I'm scared of losing Zach. Even though I know I can't lose Zach. No matter what happens he will always be my son. He will always be with me most of the time but I feel like the part of the time he won't is a time I can't protect him in. I feel helpless to protect my son from what he is entering into with his father and his father's for lack of a better word slutty girlfriend.
When Dave comes over on Saturday all Zach has to do is sit on him wrong and Zach is snapping at him and I'm supposed to one day in probably the not too distant future drop my kid off with this man and drive away. How am I going to do that? Just the thought of it leaves me with such anxiety that I'm dying inside. And then I look back at old pictures, remember old experiences, and I remember someone that had hope. I remember someone that believed so firmly in the enduring qualities of relationships that she could write about them for hours. That person had not be abandoned by her best friend, and abandoned and betrayed by another friend and her husband. That person was not as damaged as the person who is sitting here writing this. And the worst part is I just keep hearing something my husband's slutty girlfriend said to me about a year ago when she realized the extent of her student loan debt was going to prohibit her from going to grad school. She said, "I guess my life isn't going to be what I thought it was going to be." No Chelsea its not, apparently its going to be MY LIFE.
I have a Klopotoski in spirit for a decade longer than I was one in name and now, even though some of the bonds are still not cut, I feel adrift. I keep trying to remember who I was though sixteen years of my life I lived without Dave Klopotoski as my other half because I remember that I did like that person.
God, please protect my son. I am so scared all of the time. I just want to be hopeful again.
Right now though I am just so stuck. I feel fat and unwanted and not pretty (which is all silly little things except they take their toll). I feel cast off. I worry about a world in which my not quite ex husband is playing house with his girlfriend and my child. I don't want her to ever think of herself as a 'mother' to my child, even in the step sense. I can't control what she thinks. I can't control much of what he does on his time with Zach. And I'm so scared to move forward in divorce because I'm scared of losing Zach. Even though I know I can't lose Zach. No matter what happens he will always be my son. He will always be with me most of the time but I feel like the part of the time he won't is a time I can't protect him in. I feel helpless to protect my son from what he is entering into with his father and his father's for lack of a better word slutty girlfriend.
When Dave comes over on Saturday all Zach has to do is sit on him wrong and Zach is snapping at him and I'm supposed to one day in probably the not too distant future drop my kid off with this man and drive away. How am I going to do that? Just the thought of it leaves me with such anxiety that I'm dying inside. And then I look back at old pictures, remember old experiences, and I remember someone that had hope. I remember someone that believed so firmly in the enduring qualities of relationships that she could write about them for hours. That person had not be abandoned by her best friend, and abandoned and betrayed by another friend and her husband. That person was not as damaged as the person who is sitting here writing this. And the worst part is I just keep hearing something my husband's slutty girlfriend said to me about a year ago when she realized the extent of her student loan debt was going to prohibit her from going to grad school. She said, "I guess my life isn't going to be what I thought it was going to be." No Chelsea its not, apparently its going to be MY LIFE.
I have a Klopotoski in spirit for a decade longer than I was one in name and now, even though some of the bonds are still not cut, I feel adrift. I keep trying to remember who I was though sixteen years of my life I lived without Dave Klopotoski as my other half because I remember that I did like that person.
God, please protect my son. I am so scared all of the time. I just want to be hopeful again.