family
you know, i love my family. they are always there for me when i need them, especially my mom's side :). i can call them whenever i'm sad and they'll let me whine and complain and comfort me and make me feel better and superloved. i could never be an all business person... no matter how useful it would be, to just not have to deal with emotions that is completely not me. i am very emotional, and that is that. everyone who knows me, knows that. on that note...
i have been thinking a lot about my friends, and friendship in general. some of the people i am friends with, really are not friends to me. i do things for them, or listen to their problems, but then they go and act disrespectful if i ask them to do something for me. i mean, there is a nice way to decline, i'm not saying people should do whatever i tell them. definitely not that, that would be boring. anyway, these friends i'm talking about. they're really selfish, they don't put much into the friendship aside from drama and stress andmaking me feel used/abused as a friend, so i am shedding some friends this, and next year. i need to make new friends too. i think it's kind of hard for me to get close to people, i don't know, like i don't trust people right away. and even then, sometimes i get screwed over in the end, which just makes me feel sad and stupid :/. but anyway, i was excited to at least have realized this. it is a situation i completely have control over. no one can force me to be their friend. respect is huge for me, and if i don't feel like i have it, then i don't consider that person a friend, at least not a real one. maybe a fake one. it is hard when people change on you though. i mean i know that change is inevitable but still... i am always reminiscing back to high school. a lot of people hated high school and are soo glad its over, but not me. i miss it like no other. even though david was walnuts it was still better then socially at least, than it is now. i didn't have any two-faced friends, or if i did, they were not close to me at all, and that was why. now i feel like that is all i have. and wonder how i got them? i hope i can make new nice honest respectful and mellow mostly dramafree friends soon. it is hard to meet people after freshmen year. all the people in my anthro classes are crazy snob hippies peoples. you say hi and immediately you feel like they are saying "hi (subliminal message: you're not worth my time)". something like that :/ i dunno. friendship is just weird and hard in general i guess. i love the few close friends i have to death, but sometimes i am sad that because of how things are now with location, school, jobs, relationships and lots of other things, we cant spend time together. i guess i really worry that i won't be able to have that again. who knows the future.
i've been pretty depressed this quarter. the combination of housing/housemate drama, and bad classes (being sick of my major at this point, makes it really difficult to be interested in classes or want to do work or even go to them) is just getting me down. i am so homesick for family and people who actually care about me. i want to go back to placerville or ventura. i will gladly work at the deli, or at target again. noooo problem. hopefully next year is better...
it is getting harder to always be helping dylan too. i mean, i know he is independent and doesn't like, take advantage of my favors or anything, but it's still just like this feeling that i have to do everything. it isn't really that way, i just feel like it. hopefully his cast can come off for good this fri! though he'll still be gimpy and maybe need physical therapy, but it would be a step forward, which we havent had for a month. what else...
i am really missing having animals, a lot. they are definitely therapeutic for me, that sounds bad. i do actually like animals, even when i'm not stressed or depressed :D. well i guess that is all. lots of migraines as usual. and now i am scared that i am going to have a mitral valve prolapse or that i have gigantic brain tumor that will kill me in a few months! but probably not. they are just really annoying...
oh, and i'm trying to start working out regularly again, boy is it a task after not doing it for so long, lol. i am committed though! after all, it is almost summer (it's already summer temps here) so i need to get in shape so dont scare people when i wear shorts or swimsuits :X. ok, goodnight everybody! wish me luck on my ritual paper.
i have been thinking a lot about my friends, and friendship in general. some of the people i am friends with, really are not friends to me. i do things for them, or listen to their problems, but then they go and act disrespectful if i ask them to do something for me. i mean, there is a nice way to decline, i'm not saying people should do whatever i tell them. definitely not that, that would be boring. anyway, these friends i'm talking about. they're really selfish, they don't put much into the friendship aside from drama and stress andmaking me feel used/abused as a friend, so i am shedding some friends this, and next year. i need to make new friends too. i think it's kind of hard for me to get close to people, i don't know, like i don't trust people right away. and even then, sometimes i get screwed over in the end, which just makes me feel sad and stupid :/. but anyway, i was excited to at least have realized this. it is a situation i completely have control over. no one can force me to be their friend. respect is huge for me, and if i don't feel like i have it, then i don't consider that person a friend, at least not a real one. maybe a fake one. it is hard when people change on you though. i mean i know that change is inevitable but still... i am always reminiscing back to high school. a lot of people hated high school and are soo glad its over, but not me. i miss it like no other. even though david was walnuts it was still better then socially at least, than it is now. i didn't have any two-faced friends, or if i did, they were not close to me at all, and that was why. now i feel like that is all i have. and wonder how i got them? i hope i can make new nice honest respectful and mellow mostly dramafree friends soon. it is hard to meet people after freshmen year. all the people in my anthro classes are crazy snob hippies peoples. you say hi and immediately you feel like they are saying "hi (subliminal message: you're not worth my time)". something like that :/ i dunno. friendship is just weird and hard in general i guess. i love the few close friends i have to death, but sometimes i am sad that because of how things are now with location, school, jobs, relationships and lots of other things, we cant spend time together. i guess i really worry that i won't be able to have that again. who knows the future.
i've been pretty depressed this quarter. the combination of housing/housemate drama, and bad classes (being sick of my major at this point, makes it really difficult to be interested in classes or want to do work or even go to them) is just getting me down. i am so homesick for family and people who actually care about me. i want to go back to placerville or ventura. i will gladly work at the deli, or at target again. noooo problem. hopefully next year is better...
it is getting harder to always be helping dylan too. i mean, i know he is independent and doesn't like, take advantage of my favors or anything, but it's still just like this feeling that i have to do everything. it isn't really that way, i just feel like it. hopefully his cast can come off for good this fri! though he'll still be gimpy and maybe need physical therapy, but it would be a step forward, which we havent had for a month. what else...
i am really missing having animals, a lot. they are definitely therapeutic for me, that sounds bad. i do actually like animals, even when i'm not stressed or depressed :D. well i guess that is all. lots of migraines as usual. and now i am scared that i am going to have a mitral valve prolapse or that i have gigantic brain tumor that will kill me in a few months! but probably not. they are just really annoying...
oh, and i'm trying to start working out regularly again, boy is it a task after not doing it for so long, lol. i am committed though! after all, it is almost summer (it's already summer temps here) so i need to get in shape so dont scare people when i wear shorts or swimsuits :X. ok, goodnight everybody! wish me luck on my ritual paper.