nothing is stable
well. i don't know, i don't feel really like going into details about this, but yeah, yet again my dad has sprung something on me that i have no choice in. i was originally going to get to go home for a measly one week after ucsc gets out. but no, though he formerly didn't want me to take summer school at all, and thought i should just take 20 units for 2 qtrs at ucsc next year - which i would actually prefer if i was more certain that i could pull it off - he has now decided that it is mandatory that i take 2 summer school classes. because cabrillo is stupid (no offense to cabrillo people, or people who like cabrillo) classes are only offered from 8am to 2 all summer long, in all three sessions, so i cannot possibly take 2 classes in 1 session. so now i don't get to go home at all :'(. i had already started the countdown to get out of this hellhole and it is one of the few things that has been motivating me to just get my shit done, and now it is gone. i am so mad. and if i don't go to summer school for the 2 sessions, then he will not pay my rent, and i will have to find a place when everyone is looking :(. so basically, i am screwed. and because i am taking two classes over summer which i will need to take for nursing it is screwing up my schedule for next year for the classes i was planning to take. i mean, it still works technically. i just wish cabrillo offered chem 1, or some other more useful class. so for now i am taking sociology 1 and human anatomy and physiology. and my dad doesn't even want to pay for my fees now, he thinks i should have 200 extra bucks lying around :(. unfortunately i cannot tell him that i have credit card payments to make since he doesn't contribute to anything besides rent utilities and some food cash. it sounds like it's all on my part, i guess you just have to know my dad.
so i had to change my fall schedule so that i wouldn't be repeating classes i had just taken which was much more difficult than it should have been. when i told my dad that i might be getting an internship at the women's center working with neonatals he wasnt at all happy or impressed but instead thought that i was going to lose it because i didn't call back the next day, and told me that i can't expect them to call me back - and i wasn't, but i thought i would give it one more day at least. and then he told me i needed to be talking to the hospital - now with this, i talked to this other girl who is pursuing nursing and she volunteered at the hospital but said that it was all like envelope stuffing, no interaction with people - but of course, my dad knows everything, and told me that even that would require interaction with people. he told me i needed to contact free clinics and gynecologist offices. but i have no time right now! i'm trying to research nursing schools and programs, find a job and internship, figure out summer school classes and any time i could possibly go home to get recharged, find a place to live, and keep up with school and finals! i am so stressed out right now. nothing is ever enough for him, he never even asks how my classes are going, or what grades i'm getting :(. and i've been getting a's on all my anthro stuff! so it's like, i mean, he's a parent, he's supposed to care, but he really doesn't. year after year its proven to me that he has no interest in me, except when it comes to controlling me. i can't wait til i graduate, or if i can get enough financial aid. if i do, that is it. at least for a while. i cant deal with it anymore, all he does is cut me down. i don't think he has ever said "good job". it is always, "why did you do this? it would've been better to do bla bla bla". he even told me that i was getting off easy going to school for summer, as opposed to working. and it's not like i've never worked over summer before! i've worked every summer except this one. he makes me sound like i'm so spoiled, and makes me feel like i am too. like i shouldn't ask for anything. but on the other hand, i don't think i ask for more than what my other friends ask. ugh, i dont know. i feel so awful even complaining about it in my journal. it would help if i had real friends i could talk to up here. i've just been feeling lonely, or out of place or something up here. i'm done. i have better stuff i should be doing.
so i had to change my fall schedule so that i wouldn't be repeating classes i had just taken which was much more difficult than it should have been. when i told my dad that i might be getting an internship at the women's center working with neonatals he wasnt at all happy or impressed but instead thought that i was going to lose it because i didn't call back the next day, and told me that i can't expect them to call me back - and i wasn't, but i thought i would give it one more day at least. and then he told me i needed to be talking to the hospital - now with this, i talked to this other girl who is pursuing nursing and she volunteered at the hospital but said that it was all like envelope stuffing, no interaction with people - but of course, my dad knows everything, and told me that even that would require interaction with people. he told me i needed to contact free clinics and gynecologist offices. but i have no time right now! i'm trying to research nursing schools and programs, find a job and internship, figure out summer school classes and any time i could possibly go home to get recharged, find a place to live, and keep up with school and finals! i am so stressed out right now. nothing is ever enough for him, he never even asks how my classes are going, or what grades i'm getting :(. and i've been getting a's on all my anthro stuff! so it's like, i mean, he's a parent, he's supposed to care, but he really doesn't. year after year its proven to me that he has no interest in me, except when it comes to controlling me. i can't wait til i graduate, or if i can get enough financial aid. if i do, that is it. at least for a while. i cant deal with it anymore, all he does is cut me down. i don't think he has ever said "good job". it is always, "why did you do this? it would've been better to do bla bla bla". he even told me that i was getting off easy going to school for summer, as opposed to working. and it's not like i've never worked over summer before! i've worked every summer except this one. he makes me sound like i'm so spoiled, and makes me feel like i am too. like i shouldn't ask for anything. but on the other hand, i don't think i ask for more than what my other friends ask. ugh, i dont know. i feel so awful even complaining about it in my journal. it would help if i had real friends i could talk to up here. i've just been feeling lonely, or out of place or something up here. i'm done. i have better stuff i should be doing.