alone
ok, so i still feel sick which is why i can't go to sleep...if not i would be right now just because i am so freaking bored...
so i was just thinking...why do some people get so damn lucky? people that i wouldn't even consider to be good people...people that do things to purposely hurt other people?
i don't think i am a bad person...yet here i am all alone...i mean i know sometimes i distance myself from certain people...but it's usually people that aren't exactly good for my health...i feel like there is this big empty void...like i am just hollow and black inside...and then i take a deep breath and have a moment like this...only its not just a moment...it's several of them strung together...and then i feel this tremendous amount of pressure like i can't breathe because i just keep thinking...oh god i am going to be alone for the rest of my life...i mean, ok i know i am not even twenty yet but it just seems like everyone has found that one person that at the least they can see themselves spending forever with...doing the whole white picket fences thing with...and me? i can't even think of one person i wouldn't mind spending an entire day on an island with...just me and them alone...not one single person...i mean besides friends...no one to share those little moments with...and then i see people that aren't exactly saints (to put it nicely) happy as can be with the love of their lives...and i don't think i am a bad person...ok so i've done my share of misbehaving but who hasn't?...but do i really deserve to be alone?
and at least some people know that they can love...i think it is better to have loved and lost...because then there is the hope that you can love again in the future...it scares me to think that i am not capable of loving someone like that...i don't know if i am...then i think that i might just run scared at the first sight of it...that i am not strong enough...
all i want is to feel safe...to have someone to hug me at the end of the day and make me feel like no matter what everything is going to be okay and as long as i am in his arms nothing bad can happen to me...and maybe he'll crack some cheesy joke and i'll laugh at how dorky it is...but kiss him for it because he is trying so hard to make me smile...and then he'll smile at me and i'll realize as long as he is there at the end of the day everything will be ok...and then we will kiss and ride off into the sunset on his white horse...
is that so much to ask for?
maybe i just don't deserve it...
so i was just thinking...why do some people get so damn lucky? people that i wouldn't even consider to be good people...people that do things to purposely hurt other people?
i don't think i am a bad person...yet here i am all alone...i mean i know sometimes i distance myself from certain people...but it's usually people that aren't exactly good for my health...i feel like there is this big empty void...like i am just hollow and black inside...and then i take a deep breath and have a moment like this...only its not just a moment...it's several of them strung together...and then i feel this tremendous amount of pressure like i can't breathe because i just keep thinking...oh god i am going to be alone for the rest of my life...i mean, ok i know i am not even twenty yet but it just seems like everyone has found that one person that at the least they can see themselves spending forever with...doing the whole white picket fences thing with...and me? i can't even think of one person i wouldn't mind spending an entire day on an island with...just me and them alone...not one single person...i mean besides friends...no one to share those little moments with...and then i see people that aren't exactly saints (to put it nicely) happy as can be with the love of their lives...and i don't think i am a bad person...ok so i've done my share of misbehaving but who hasn't?...but do i really deserve to be alone?
and at least some people know that they can love...i think it is better to have loved and lost...because then there is the hope that you can love again in the future...it scares me to think that i am not capable of loving someone like that...i don't know if i am...then i think that i might just run scared at the first sight of it...that i am not strong enough...
all i want is to feel safe...to have someone to hug me at the end of the day and make me feel like no matter what everything is going to be okay and as long as i am in his arms nothing bad can happen to me...and maybe he'll crack some cheesy joke and i'll laugh at how dorky it is...but kiss him for it because he is trying so hard to make me smile...and then he'll smile at me and i'll realize as long as he is there at the end of the day everything will be ok...and then we will kiss and ride off into the sunset on his white horse...
is that so much to ask for?
maybe i just don't deserve it...