Gay Cinama Rut
I haven’t posted in some time. I have been having a rather hard time recently. I lot has changed in the last weeks and at the same time nothing has moved at all. I think school has lost its meaning. There is nothing they can teach me until I learn to teach myself.
I don’t think that there is a god, but in that crusade I have forgotten that there is a greater good. I don’t know that I can explain it. I am only 19. I don’t know that I will understand it in 50 years. I don’t know that it is my place to understand it.
I am still fighting the fact that I have lost my family. And I have spent so much energy to prevent myself from turning my back on them. But I am beginning to realize that is what was needed a long time ago.
After thanksgiving I started a gay cinema weekend that hasn’t really stopped. I don’t know why.
I have to stop saying that I don’t know.
I want. I am lazy as well.
And I don’t know what to say. And it is not so much that I don’t know how to word it. But rater I don’t know that I am in a mental state to word it. I don’t know if it is so suppressed that I am simply ignoring it. I don’t know that I have the knowledge, the understanding of all things to word it either.
I don’t know how to exist any more. I don’t know what people I need to surround myself with. I love most everyone so greatly.
What are my values? Who is Brandon Wilson?
Bloody hell… I don’t know.
I am a wreched imbasul and I don’t know a bloody thing.
I am thinking about leaving again. I don’t know what purpose it would serve but … here dosen’t work anymore.
The movies are mostly about coming out processes and they all involve pairs of people. I am plaged again thus so with the fact that I have never been worthy of another. That I have never had a pair.
Yesterday I broke the truck. I happened in a gas station parking lot but had I not stopped to get gas it would have been on the freeway and I would be dead. The truck would have jammed itself into a left hand turn at 65 miles per hour and it would have rolled.
Prior I spent the morning with Katie James. She is nothing but a Christian. A bible on legs. She told me that I disgust her, which I knew. It just hurts every time she says it. And she started to tell me that she doesn’t like to talk about my gay and so I tried to stop but she brought it up again and again after that. She told me things about Callista that I didn’t want to hear out of “the goodness of her heart”.
Supposedly Callista is not ok living with a fag for the next 4 years and she simply can’t say that to my face because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I just don’t know how to treat this. Callista was my family. She is my family. I built her up so greatly and I understand that is why she kept her distaste for me from me. But it hurts. I thought we were going to live on the principle of tolerance. The strength from diversity. Now I suppose that I need to move out again. It is just… this was supposed to be a safe place. I wasn’t going to have to fear living.
I don’t know how to treat Callista. I made an oath to her that I would treat her like family because I need such support from her and thus for her sake I feel like I need to return to the closet. At least in her presence. That is not what I want. That is not what I moved out for. That is what I moved out from. And here I am doing it again.
I keep pondering ideas too lofty for myself.
The real truth is not possessed by anyone. Truth is imposable. And because of that we come up with ideas that are honestly shots in the dark trying to get as close as we possibly can. But we are all wrong in our own beliefs. That is why we have to accept others. That is the only thing that will bring us closer to the truth.
What if we as people chose to love and embrace everyone else’s beliefs as opposed to imposing our own? As opposed to drawing lines between right and wrong. As opposed to “helping” those that don’t follow us. IF there is a god would he conclude “look at all of those sinners and damn them all to hell”. Or at the sight of such love would he run more along the lines of “look at my creation and all of its majesty”. With or without the god in this equation such love would be majestic.
But these are the thoughts of a lost mind. A lost mind without any form of transportation other than his own legs.
Which is how it should be. At that is how I am thinking at the time.
I am going to go return one of my films to the store now. If anyone wants to watch a movie with me your company is more than welcome. My fear of being alone is all consuming.
I don’t think that there is a god, but in that crusade I have forgotten that there is a greater good. I don’t know that I can explain it. I am only 19. I don’t know that I will understand it in 50 years. I don’t know that it is my place to understand it.
I am still fighting the fact that I have lost my family. And I have spent so much energy to prevent myself from turning my back on them. But I am beginning to realize that is what was needed a long time ago.
After thanksgiving I started a gay cinema weekend that hasn’t really stopped. I don’t know why.
I have to stop saying that I don’t know.
I want. I am lazy as well.
And I don’t know what to say. And it is not so much that I don’t know how to word it. But rater I don’t know that I am in a mental state to word it. I don’t know if it is so suppressed that I am simply ignoring it. I don’t know that I have the knowledge, the understanding of all things to word it either.
I don’t know how to exist any more. I don’t know what people I need to surround myself with. I love most everyone so greatly.
What are my values? Who is Brandon Wilson?
Bloody hell… I don’t know.
I am a wreched imbasul and I don’t know a bloody thing.
I am thinking about leaving again. I don’t know what purpose it would serve but … here dosen’t work anymore.
The movies are mostly about coming out processes and they all involve pairs of people. I am plaged again thus so with the fact that I have never been worthy of another. That I have never had a pair.
Yesterday I broke the truck. I happened in a gas station parking lot but had I not stopped to get gas it would have been on the freeway and I would be dead. The truck would have jammed itself into a left hand turn at 65 miles per hour and it would have rolled.
Prior I spent the morning with Katie James. She is nothing but a Christian. A bible on legs. She told me that I disgust her, which I knew. It just hurts every time she says it. And she started to tell me that she doesn’t like to talk about my gay and so I tried to stop but she brought it up again and again after that. She told me things about Callista that I didn’t want to hear out of “the goodness of her heart”.
Supposedly Callista is not ok living with a fag for the next 4 years and she simply can’t say that to my face because she doesn’t want to hurt my feelings. I just don’t know how to treat this. Callista was my family. She is my family. I built her up so greatly and I understand that is why she kept her distaste for me from me. But it hurts. I thought we were going to live on the principle of tolerance. The strength from diversity. Now I suppose that I need to move out again. It is just… this was supposed to be a safe place. I wasn’t going to have to fear living.
I don’t know how to treat Callista. I made an oath to her that I would treat her like family because I need such support from her and thus for her sake I feel like I need to return to the closet. At least in her presence. That is not what I want. That is not what I moved out for. That is what I moved out from. And here I am doing it again.
I keep pondering ideas too lofty for myself.
The real truth is not possessed by anyone. Truth is imposable. And because of that we come up with ideas that are honestly shots in the dark trying to get as close as we possibly can. But we are all wrong in our own beliefs. That is why we have to accept others. That is the only thing that will bring us closer to the truth.
What if we as people chose to love and embrace everyone else’s beliefs as opposed to imposing our own? As opposed to drawing lines between right and wrong. As opposed to “helping” those that don’t follow us. IF there is a god would he conclude “look at all of those sinners and damn them all to hell”. Or at the sight of such love would he run more along the lines of “look at my creation and all of its majesty”. With or without the god in this equation such love would be majestic.
But these are the thoughts of a lost mind. A lost mind without any form of transportation other than his own legs.
Which is how it should be. At that is how I am thinking at the time.
I am going to go return one of my films to the store now. If anyone wants to watch a movie with me your company is more than welcome. My fear of being alone is all consuming.