Haha, what a silly girl I am...
My room looks like eating disorder central right now. My laxatives are on the windowsill, with my Chuck Palahniuk book and my bowl of cig remains. There's packs of gum strewn everywhere, my measuring tape is on the floor, empty water bottles all over, clothes i tried on and took off on the floor. It's kinda morbidly hilarious.
Heh, so main reason I'm posting right now is I'm tryiing desperately hard not to binge. Don't wanna talk about it, it's triggering. It's not even something I really like, the thing I want to binge on, but so it goes.
So I just got out of class, fifteen minutes til my next.
Boy talk time!
So I have been dating this wonderful gent for 3.5 months now. He's five years older, which I love, just graduated from my college. He's my "brother" in my coed fraternity. He just moved to NY for work, but NY to Philadelphia is nothing, it's so easy to get back and forth. He's definitively the best person I have ever dated. I love him as much as you can love someone in less than a quarter of a year, and he reciprocates. He's known about my ed for as long as we've dated, I told him when he asked me out, which is really really weird, because I told no one this except my sister, and that was more recently than telling bf. It was weird, I just straight out told him. Probably because I respect him so much, respect is very important to me. Anyway, so he's a geniunely amazing guy, but his flaws are getting me down a little.
He can't read me yet (too short a time we've been dating), he has the completely wrong strategy of dealing with my ed (allowing me to pretend it doesn't exist). That's really it. It just has been bothering me that I can't talk to him about my ed. Although, I'm starting to realize you can't really talk to anyone and expect it to be helpful to you, unless they have an ed as well. Additionally, I would not call him self-absorbed, but he's definitely self-preoccupied. Which is fine, that's part of his personality, which I love. I really love so many things about him, that complaining about these little things that are wrong seems like whining to me.
However, it just seems like I should be able to talk to him more, and at least let him know what I'm going through, even if he can't help. Like when he walks in on me throwing up, he says things like "I trust you not to got too far" or "I don't want to be too controlling of you" or "you're old enough to know how to do what's best for you." I really just wish he'd check on me more, hold me more accountable. I think that could help me quite a bit. Heh, I'm chain smoking right now because I'm upset about this and also trying to avoid binge. Lol, I need to get over this so I can go shower, so I don't smell like smoke. (Nobody except my roommates know about my cigs.)
Ugh, but anyway, the bf is moving into his new apartment in NYC tomo. It's actually quite nice, few blocks from ground zero, and a view of the Statue of Liberty. I'm going to him tomorrow because I have off classes for the 4th of July. I really can't wait to help him move, I love packing and unpacking, getting rid of things, buying new stuff, etc. I've told him I'm feeling ill, so I'm going to play that up to get away with Days 3-6 of ABC, which is 300, 400, 100, 200. Unfortunaley that means avoiding alcohol consumption this weekend, but such is life. Wouldn't it be cool if I could keep off alcohol for this whole fifty days? I'm not an alcoholic, far from it. I'm at my limit three drinks in, four ma, two if it's tequilla. But I don't really like the lack of control drunkeness causes, or the ridiculous amount of calories most alcoholic beverages contain.
I can't wait to see him, he has a calming affect on my, and he makes it easier to forget the urge to b/p, as well as making it inconvenient to do so, lol. This will be quite a fun weekend. Going to his family's 4th of July picnic :) I've already met his immediate family, plus his grandparents. This weekend I'll meet his extended family. I'm pumped, to say the least!
I think b/p urge has passed. If I could go 50 days without purging, that would really be something excellent. I'm going to have one more cig, then abs workout, then shower. Strike that. Three is enough for one day.
Regards,
-Amanda
Heh, so main reason I'm posting right now is I'm tryiing desperately hard not to binge. Don't wanna talk about it, it's triggering. It's not even something I really like, the thing I want to binge on, but so it goes.
So I just got out of class, fifteen minutes til my next.
Boy talk time!
So I have been dating this wonderful gent for 3.5 months now. He's five years older, which I love, just graduated from my college. He's my "brother" in my coed fraternity. He just moved to NY for work, but NY to Philadelphia is nothing, it's so easy to get back and forth. He's definitively the best person I have ever dated. I love him as much as you can love someone in less than a quarter of a year, and he reciprocates. He's known about my ed for as long as we've dated, I told him when he asked me out, which is really really weird, because I told no one this except my sister, and that was more recently than telling bf. It was weird, I just straight out told him. Probably because I respect him so much, respect is very important to me. Anyway, so he's a geniunely amazing guy, but his flaws are getting me down a little.
He can't read me yet (too short a time we've been dating), he has the completely wrong strategy of dealing with my ed (allowing me to pretend it doesn't exist). That's really it. It just has been bothering me that I can't talk to him about my ed. Although, I'm starting to realize you can't really talk to anyone and expect it to be helpful to you, unless they have an ed as well. Additionally, I would not call him self-absorbed, but he's definitely self-preoccupied. Which is fine, that's part of his personality, which I love. I really love so many things about him, that complaining about these little things that are wrong seems like whining to me.
However, it just seems like I should be able to talk to him more, and at least let him know what I'm going through, even if he can't help. Like when he walks in on me throwing up, he says things like "I trust you not to got too far" or "I don't want to be too controlling of you" or "you're old enough to know how to do what's best for you." I really just wish he'd check on me more, hold me more accountable. I think that could help me quite a bit. Heh, I'm chain smoking right now because I'm upset about this and also trying to avoid binge. Lol, I need to get over this so I can go shower, so I don't smell like smoke. (Nobody except my roommates know about my cigs.)
Ugh, but anyway, the bf is moving into his new apartment in NYC tomo. It's actually quite nice, few blocks from ground zero, and a view of the Statue of Liberty. I'm going to him tomorrow because I have off classes for the 4th of July. I really can't wait to help him move, I love packing and unpacking, getting rid of things, buying new stuff, etc. I've told him I'm feeling ill, so I'm going to play that up to get away with Days 3-6 of ABC, which is 300, 400, 100, 200. Unfortunaley that means avoiding alcohol consumption this weekend, but such is life. Wouldn't it be cool if I could keep off alcohol for this whole fifty days? I'm not an alcoholic, far from it. I'm at my limit three drinks in, four ma, two if it's tequilla. But I don't really like the lack of control drunkeness causes, or the ridiculous amount of calories most alcoholic beverages contain.
I can't wait to see him, he has a calming affect on my, and he makes it easier to forget the urge to b/p, as well as making it inconvenient to do so, lol. This will be quite a fun weekend. Going to his family's 4th of July picnic :) I've already met his immediate family, plus his grandparents. This weekend I'll meet his extended family. I'm pumped, to say the least!
I think b/p urge has passed. If I could go 50 days without purging, that would really be something excellent. I'm going to have one more cig, then abs workout, then shower. Strike that. Three is enough for one day.
Regards,
-Amanda