Suck it out...
It's a good thing I don't live with my family anymore, because they would eventually drive me insane. They're all just so, so, grr! All they do is irritate each other day in and day out. Well, okay, I'm being over dramatic. *Calms down* I'm not really annoyed, it's just that...you know what? I'm annoyed at the fact that they think they know who I am now. They still think I'm KC Go Boom who blows up at the slightest insult and takes everything to seriously and blah blah blah. I'm like the most laid back one here and as soon as I start to speak up for myself someone goes "Calm down, KC, calm down!" Ugh! Doesn't anyone know that "Calm down" is the absolute worst thing to say to someone who is just trying to defend themselves? That's the only way to get someone really angry! Seriously! I know you all feel me. You just get more upset when someone tells you to calm down, right? It's like they're just trying to shut you up, like they don't want to hear what you're saying. It's a way to say, "I'm right, you're wrong, deal with it," when the matter isn't really about right and wrong. They don't even know me anymore...that's so sad.
My mom thinks I make the stupidest choices. No matter what I do, there is always something I'm still doing wrong. I mean, I am the ONLY son who moved away and became independent of my parents, and yet that's still wrong. And when I try to explain that I'm doing things on my own and not everything is possible, that somethings have to slide, it's not good enough. She's right, I'm wrong. There's no grey area. Sometimes it's like they don't see what I do, and only what I don't do. Now my dad, on the other hand, doesn't even really recognize what it is that I do. SO many times, I can't tell you how many, have we been introduced, "This is Bryan, my youngest. He's going to CSUN and studying music, he plays the guitar. This is KC, my third son. Garrett over here is studying pre law over at LMU and just took his LSATS. And my oldest, Geof, is in the Air Force and is currently flying over in the Middle East. Oh and he just got married this year." Nice...real nice. I'm the son who does nothing. I'm only the son who has had a stable job for over a year, supports himself and goes to school full time as a voice major. Do you know how frustrating this gets? And to top it all off, I'm gay, they know it, and no one says anything about it. It's that word that no one will touch.
And then Garrett and Bryan? I don't know how they survive being so dumb! It's like you have to shout things at them twenty times just to get their attention, and THEN explain what it is you want them to do three more times so they'll get it, and then they'll STILL ask me how to do it when they eventually get to it. Yet these are the children to be proud of. Yes, very proud indeed! I feel really really bitter right now.
I fear I'm becoming jaded. This previous year, 2004, has begun the jaded process. That scares me, I never wanted to be bitter or jaded. But too much shit happened to me this year that's causing me to just not like or trust people. I don't want to fall into this. I need a way out.
What a great way to start off 2005, eh? *Sigh*
My mom thinks I make the stupidest choices. No matter what I do, there is always something I'm still doing wrong. I mean, I am the ONLY son who moved away and became independent of my parents, and yet that's still wrong. And when I try to explain that I'm doing things on my own and not everything is possible, that somethings have to slide, it's not good enough. She's right, I'm wrong. There's no grey area. Sometimes it's like they don't see what I do, and only what I don't do. Now my dad, on the other hand, doesn't even really recognize what it is that I do. SO many times, I can't tell you how many, have we been introduced, "This is Bryan, my youngest. He's going to CSUN and studying music, he plays the guitar. This is KC, my third son. Garrett over here is studying pre law over at LMU and just took his LSATS. And my oldest, Geof, is in the Air Force and is currently flying over in the Middle East. Oh and he just got married this year." Nice...real nice. I'm the son who does nothing. I'm only the son who has had a stable job for over a year, supports himself and goes to school full time as a voice major. Do you know how frustrating this gets? And to top it all off, I'm gay, they know it, and no one says anything about it. It's that word that no one will touch.
And then Garrett and Bryan? I don't know how they survive being so dumb! It's like you have to shout things at them twenty times just to get their attention, and THEN explain what it is you want them to do three more times so they'll get it, and then they'll STILL ask me how to do it when they eventually get to it. Yet these are the children to be proud of. Yes, very proud indeed! I feel really really bitter right now.
I fear I'm becoming jaded. This previous year, 2004, has begun the jaded process. That scares me, I never wanted to be bitter or jaded. But too much shit happened to me this year that's causing me to just not like or trust people. I don't want to fall into this. I need a way out.
What a great way to start off 2005, eh? *Sigh*