Fanfiction: The King of Queens', modern Cambridge AU, WIP (5/10)
Title: The King of Queens', Chapter Five
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: R now but will end up NC-17
Word count: This part 3,251. (About 20k in total so far)
Warnings: Some homophobia
Summary: Modern AU. Merlin has always dreamed of going to Cambridge University and is thrilled to win a place at Queens’ College. Whilst there he falls hopelessly in love with the JCR President, drinking society President, Lacrosse captain and all-round popular guy Arthur Pendragon. Arthur takes him under his wing until Merlin stands to be LGBT Rep on the JCR and Arthur realises that Merlin likes boys. Full of Cambridge slang, UST, Arthur being a knobhead with no knob, and eventual happy ending. I promise.
Previous parts: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO; CHAPTER THREE; CHAPTER FOUR
'Aha, Merlin, I have found you at last,' Arthur said dramatically as he poked his tousled head around Merlin's doorway.
Merlin sighed, hit 'save' on his essay, and spun round on his chair to face Arthur. 'I don't know why you're saying at last, you knob, I'm in my room. Where I normally am on Tuesdays. Trying to finish my essay.'
'Pish tosh,' Arthur waved a hand airily, striding into Merlin's room. He looked as ridiculous as ever clad pretty much head-to-toe in stash: a Q.C.R.F.C. rugby shirt, a pair of cheap-looking hockey tracksuit bottoms, and an ugly rowing gilet. Seriously, where did he find this stuff? 'I have a proposition for you,' Arthur said, throwing himself on to Merlin's bed. 'Ah,' he sighed, wriggling around in it, 'the good times I had in this very bed. It must be gutted that you're the only person it's seen this term - poor little virginal Merlin. I showed it some spectacular shows. Girl on my face, girl on my dick... brilliant.'
Merlin rolled his eyes. By now - seven weeks into term and counting - he had learned to ignore Arthur any time he talked about women, or sex, or sport. Which, to be fair, meant that Merlin ignored around 80% of his conversation. But it was the remaining 20% that he liked so much. That 20% where Arthur was honest, shy, self-deprecating, and actually listened to what Merlin had to say rather than using him as a conduit for anecdotes. Merlin knew that he was the only person that Arthur was like this with, and that made him feel good. Even if hearing Arthur list past conquests didn't.
'As nice as it is to hear about your past shags, Pendragon, I do have an essay to be getting on with,' Merlin gestured at his computer, bought with a grant from the college. He was inordinately pleased with it. In fact, Gwen teased him that she was pretty sure he'd never have room for romance in his life whilst his bond with his Mac was so strong. 'Yeah,' he'd said to her sarcastically, 'that's what will hold me back - my love for my computer. Not, y'know, my soul-destroying crush on you-know-who.'
'Lord Voldemort?' she'd said, innocently, before pulling him to her in a hug and ruffling his hair. 'I'm sorry, you look so forlorn, I don't mean to tease.'
'... so I wondered what you thought?' Arthur was obviously halfway through a sentence that Merlin's daydreaming had prevented him from listening to.
'Um, sorry, what?' Merlin asked.
'You weren't listening to me, were you?' Arthur looked outraged.
'I presumed you were just carrying on with your dirty stories which sounds like they've come straight from the readers' pages of Escort.'
'Oi!' Arthur laughed, lobbing a pillow at Merlin's head. 'My stories are too classy for Escort... maybe Nuts?' he winked lasciviously and Merlin mimed vomiting.
'What I was saying, if you'd been so kind as to actually listen, was that it's nearly the end of Michaelmas and everyone's going on the ski trip this year but I'm not because of my stupid dissertation,' he mimed spitting on the floor as he said the word 'dissertation'. It was on puritanism and gender and witchcraft, which struck Merlin as an odd choice for Arthur, but also a slightly endearing one.
'And?' Merlin raised an eyebrow. 'Am I supposed to be feeling bad for you that you don't get to go skiing?' Merlin couldn't afford to go skiing.
'No, no,' Arthur shook his head. 'But come early January I'm going to be going out of my mind with boredom so I wondered if. Well. If. Maybe. If you wanted to come and stay?' There was something eager and shy about the way he asked it.
Merlin's stomach twisted and he tried to look casual, 'Um, at your house?'
'Yeah, ob-vi-ously,' Arthur said, like Merlin was being a bit slow. 'Just for a few days. We can go out on the lash, take my dogs for a walk... you know.'
'Hmm,' Merlin's heart was hammering. 'Why so keen for company? College starts in the middle of the month.'
'Well,' Arthur sat up on Merlin's bed, looking very intent. 'For one, my Dad is being an absolute arsehole at the moment and you will dilute his wankery. And two, my stepsister's around and her favourite game pretty much all of the time is pissing me off.'
'So I'm basically going to be a human shield against your family?' Merlin was doing his best impression of being completely nonchalant but he kept wanting to just start grinning and grinning and never stop.
'No, well, yeah, well, sort of,' Arthur shrugged. 'Anyway, want to come or what? Don't pretend you've got anything better to do.'
Merlin scoffed, 'I do have a life back home you know?' Even though he didn't. 'I've got family commitments.' His Mum. 'Friends.' One of them. Will. 'Stuff to do.' A job in the local Co-Op.
'Fine, whatever, so you're Mr Popular in Essex, like that's hard.' Arthur pulled his iPhone out, got a photo up. 'That's Morgana, my step-sister.' She was absolutely stunning, Merlin thought. Arthur gave him a cheeky smile, 'Does the look of her sweeten the deal?' Merlin looked at the way Arthur's hair curled over his ears. At his tan that didn't fade, even in winter. He then looked at her. She was pretty. But.
'Yeah, sure,' he lied. 'She's gorgeous.'
'So you'll come?' Arthur asked. 'Lord Uther Pendragon is always a useful contact to have you know?' he said it as if he wasn't that bothered if Merlin came or not. But he was also biting his lip.
'Yeah, I'll come.'
Arthur's face crinkled into a smile then and he pulled Merlin towards him, scruffing up his hair as Merlin tried to push him off. He didn't try that hard though.
'Wicked, mate, we'll have the best time,' Arthur said. He stood up, ineffectually tried to straighten the wrinkles out of his trousers. 'You'd better get on with your essay. Can't have you getting a 2.ii this week, can we now? As head of the History Society I demand better of my members.' He pulled a stern face then ruined it by sniggering. 'And I don't want you looking like a wet blanket for the last week of term. It's going to be fucking sweet: Christmas Dinner, and Jingles, and mistletoe everywhere.' He let out a happy sigh.
Once he was gone Merlin locked the door and lay down on his bed on his stomach, head full of idle daydreams about what might happen on his trip. Maybe they'd share a bed. Maybe Arthur would kiss him, or touch him, or. He felt his cock stiffening and cursed the effect Arthur was having on his libido. He'd spent a lot of time lately on a variety of free porn streaming websites.
He spent a large proportion of his days frightened that the Computer Officer really did have a record of everyone's internet history and would confront him in the middle of the buttery with a printed list of every website he'd been on. Of all the dirty, dirty porn he'd been watching. But that fear wasn't enough to stop him helplessly googling free porn, finding clips of blond guys - muscular but not too muscular - sucking other men's dicks, or giving handjobs, or fucking. If he squinted he found that he could pretend that it was Arthur, that he could imagine that the hand on his dick tossing him off was Arthur's, that Arthur fancied him, was desperate to shag him, would mutter filthy promises in his ear about making him come, about pushing his fingers inside Merlin, about feeling how tight he was around his dick. His mind would spiral into elaborate - and filthy - fantasies and it got to the stage that he suffered from regular wrist-ache and had to fight down an odd panic that maybe he actually would go blind.
What made it worse was the knowledge that his feelings would never be reciprocated. He'd gone through everything in his head so many times that he felt a bit sick just thinking about it. The best case scenario if he came out was that Arthur would pull away from him but still be friendly. Ish. The worst - and most probable - case was that he would never properly talk to Merlin again, the way he'd changed with Tom. No more late night epic discussions about anything and everything under the sun (except Merlin's sexuality of course). No more play-fights, or games of tennis, or passing out on Arthur's bedroom floor after a particularly heavy one. And whilst in the cold light of day he could rationalise his friendship with Arthur to some extent - how close could he really be with someone who was a bigot? - deep down he knew that he was a bit in love with him. And love wasn't rational, was it?
Staying with Arthur would be exciting, and fun, and terrifying. He'd blatantly make an absolute dick of himself. Merlin went back to his computer with idle thoughts of maybe, you know, finishing his essay but ended up finding himself putting 'Lord Uther Pendragon' into google. Just to be prepared.
He was greeted with an image of a stern-looking, handsome older man. Merlin scrolled down his political positions and couldn't help himself clicking on 'Gay rights'. His stomach churned a little as he knew exactly what he would find.
There. He had opposed the Labour government's repeal of the Section 28 legislation in 2000, which banned local authorities from promoting the acceptability of homosexuality. In the House of Lords he had led the campaign against its repeal. He had voted against lesbians having IV. Against gay couples adopting. Against civil partnerships for gay people.
Merlin stopped reading, put his head on his desk - still sticky from spilled sambucca two nights before - and began to bang it gently. Of course Arthur was a homophobe with Uther for a father. It wasn't an excuse, but it was an explanation of sorts. Merlin's mother had never been anything but supportive. She had known, even before Merlin did, that he was gay. She had always supported gay rights, in her quiet, unassuming way, and he had only known how much the concept horrified some people by having the shit kicked out of him at school.
Did he really want to go and stay in a house with this man? No. But did he want to go and stay in a house with Arthur? Yes. Very much. Powerfully so. His heart surged against his ribs when he thought about it. No Leon. No Percy. No girls. No one there to turn Arthur into the womanising dickhead he pretended to be. Just Merlin.
And Uther. His homophobic Dad, Merlin's brain helpfully supplied. He groaned and went back to banging his head on the desk.
***
Jingles was the last bop of term. It was Christmas themed and everyone seemed to be wearing ludicrous costumes. Gwen wasn't though, 'I have no desire to dress up as a slutty Mrs Christmas,' she told Merlin, crossing her arms decidedly across her chest.
'You look really beautiful,' Merlin said, earnestly. She did. She was wearing a really pretty floral tea-dress and had her hair loose around her shoulders.
'Yes, well, let's just hope you're not the only one to think so?' she played with her hair, embarrassed.
Merlin had long since figured out that she was hopelessly, helplessly in love with Lance. He was also pretty sure that Lance liked her back, but his obsession with 'doing the right thing' and his friendship with Arthur meant that he wasn't going to admit it.
'I'm sure if you catch Lance under the mistletoe he'll plant a big wet one on your lips,' Merlin whispered.
Gwen laughed, despite herself, then shoved at him. 'You're incorrigible!'
'Oi, Merlin!' It was Arthur, wearing black tie, having come straight to the bop from Christmas Dinner. His cheeks were flushed and his bow-tie was undone, but it didn't stop Merlin's heart starting to beat double-time.
He looked pleadingly at Gwen who rolled her eyes, 'Go on then, run off to the college's favourite twat.'
'Don't be like that, look, Lance is here,' he gestured over to the doors where Lance had just walked in, a little unsteadily having just been at a boatie dinner.
She smoothed her hair and tugged at the hem of her dress.
'You look gorgeous,' Merlin told her. 'Now go,' he pushed her in Lance's direction, turning towards Arthur who was making a beeline for him across the crowded dancefloor.
'Alright Pendragon,' Merlin said, calmly.
'Alright, mate, saw you eying up Gwen?' Arthur smirked, but his eyes were narrowed.
'I don't fancy Gwen,' Merlin said honestly, 'she's a friend, that's all.'
'Yeah, well, let's keep it that way,' Arthur said, mock-menacingly. 'You're my friend, not hers.'
'Fine, fine, whatever,' Merlin fought to keep the smile from curving his lips. He knew it was weird but he did like it when Arthur acted jealous, even if it was just over his friendship.
'You seen your fit sister Mel anywhere?' Arthur asked. 'She's been giving me the eye for weeks.'
Merlin's stomach dropped, as it always did when Arthur talked about shagging girls, which he did all the fucking time. Merlin felt like he was on a constant rollercoaster. 'Erm, I think she was out with the fresher girls' drinking society.'
'Ah, so she'll be nice and pissed when she gets back,' Arthur said lecherously. 'Inhibitions lowered.'
'You sound like a date rapist,' Merlin snapped. 'Seriously, that's not funny.'
Arthur sighed, abruptly stopped acting so drunk, 'I'm kidding, Merlin. Do you really think a guy like me relies on alcohol to get girls into bed?' He stepped back and jokingly did a twirl for Merlin.
'You're so arrogant,' Merlin said, refusing to be appeased. 'And once you've shagged Mel, what then?'
Arthur furrowed his brow, 'Well, then I sneak out of her room early the next morning and pretend nothing happened.'
'Do you never get bored of that?' Merlin asked, the bottle of wine he'd consumed making him more aggressive than normal.
'Of sex?' Arthur asked, confused.
'No, of it just being sex. That you never stay the night, or take them out for dinner, or, or, even acknowledge that something happened there.'
'I acknowledge it when I tell the rest of my drinking society what I got up to,' Arthur grinned. 'When I tell them how flexible she was and how big her tits were.'
Merlin shook his head, 'That's disgusting, and you're avoiding the question. You know exactly what I mean. Don't you ever want an actual relationship?'
'You're one to talk, mate!' Arthur prodded him in the centre of his chest. 'You've pulled one girl all term and spent the rest of the time moping around, being all virginal and shit. It's not natural.'
They locked eyes for a moment and Merlin found himself wanting to just shove Arthur over, punch him, do something to wipe that smug, considering gaze off his perfect face.
'Look, the girls know what they're getting into,' Arthur softened, squeezing Merlin's shoulder. 'I never promise them anything, okay? And when I leave here I'll get a quiet, well-behaved, steady girlfriend, settle down. It's what my Dad wants. It's what I need for my career. So it's what I'll do.'
'And what do you want?' Merlin asked, desperately.
'Another beer,' Arthur laughed, and the moment was broken. 'Now come on, let's get some drinks in.'
***
'... the thing is, you're the only one who understands me,' Arthur slurred. He was lying fully-dressed on his bed, with Merlin slumped on the beanbag he had in his room. It was three in the morning. Arthur had not found Mel, and had eventually told Merlin that he was declaring the night 'bros before hos' before dragging him back to his room.
'Other people would understand you if you let them,' Merlin was busy insisting, trying his hardest not to let his words stumble into one another. He had to squint to see Arthur straight.
'No no no, you've got to understand, Merlin, no one wants to understand me. They want me to be what they see on the surface. They want me to drink too much, play loads of sport, have shitloads of one-night-stands. It's what they expect of me, so I have to do it.'
'Bullshit, Arthur, you don't have to do anything you don't want to,' Merlin said. 'Lance is popular and he's just a straight-up good guy.'
Arthur sat upright then (lurched upright, truth be told) and glared at Merlin. 'Don't mention that name to me. I saw him pulling Gwen earlier. Her all melting into him and him being all strong and silent. Where was bros before hos then?' Arthur demanded.
'You broke up two months ago, Arthur,' Merlin pointed out. 'And you've slept with five different girls in the past eight weeks alone. Pulled about twenty. You can hardly have a go at her.'
'Well I want to,' Arthur said mutinously. 'Fuck it's hot in here. Is it hot in here?'
'No,' Merlin said. 'It's December. In a single-glazed room that was built in the 17th century.'
'I'm hot,' Arthur said. He picked up the glass of water that Merlin had helpfully put on his bedside cabinet and downed it, messily wiping his mouth. He unbuttoned his shirt. Merlin looked away, blushing.
'I should go,' he said.
'Yeah, alright mate.'
Merlin looked across at Arthur. He was drunkenly trying to get his arms out of his shirt but couldn't. 'Fuck,' he snarled.
Merlin helped him get his cufflinks off, remove his shirt, his fingers seeming to operate separately from his mind which was stuck in a loop on the words 'Arthur is undressing'.
Then Arthur was topless in front of him, undoing his trousers. Merlin's mouth felt dry. He looked away, shy suddenly. 'Thanks for the striptease Pendragon, I'd better,' he gestured to the door to the set.
Arthur stood, a sudden movement that had Merlin jittering backwards, almost expecting to be punched as if Arthur could read his mind.
But all he did was open his arms for Merlin. He was only wearing boxers. Merlin didn't let himself consider that, or what it meant. Didn't let himself stare and stare at Arthur's biceps, at his muscular chest, the hair trailing down from his navel. Just gingerly went towards him, let him hug him, trying desperately not to do what he wanted - not to align their hips and rut against him. Not lean in to his neck and breathe in the smell of alcohol and sweat and Arthur.
'Thanks mate,' Arthur said. 'You're such a good friend to me. Really.' He clapped Merlin on the shoulder. 'See you tomorrow.'
Merlin wondered that night, as he tossed and turned in his bed, if maybe part of Arthur was gay. If maybe deep down he liked boys. In Merlin's experience, guys had a tendency not to, you know hug other men when nearly naked. Not if they were heterosexual at least.
He fell asleep to the image of Arthur, arms open for him like he had been earlier, but this time he didn't say 'Thanks mate', he just whispered Merlin, like he was begging. And then he kissed him.
CHAPTER SIX
Fandom: Merlin
Rating: R now but will end up NC-17
Word count: This part 3,251. (About 20k in total so far)
Warnings: Some homophobia
Summary: Modern AU. Merlin has always dreamed of going to Cambridge University and is thrilled to win a place at Queens’ College. Whilst there he falls hopelessly in love with the JCR President, drinking society President, Lacrosse captain and all-round popular guy Arthur Pendragon. Arthur takes him under his wing until Merlin stands to be LGBT Rep on the JCR and Arthur realises that Merlin likes boys. Full of Cambridge slang, UST, Arthur being a knobhead with no knob, and eventual happy ending. I promise.
Previous parts: CHAPTER ONE; CHAPTER TWO; CHAPTER THREE; CHAPTER FOUR
'Aha, Merlin, I have found you at last,' Arthur said dramatically as he poked his tousled head around Merlin's doorway.
Merlin sighed, hit 'save' on his essay, and spun round on his chair to face Arthur. 'I don't know why you're saying at last, you knob, I'm in my room. Where I normally am on Tuesdays. Trying to finish my essay.'
'Pish tosh,' Arthur waved a hand airily, striding into Merlin's room. He looked as ridiculous as ever clad pretty much head-to-toe in stash: a Q.C.R.F.C. rugby shirt, a pair of cheap-looking hockey tracksuit bottoms, and an ugly rowing gilet. Seriously, where did he find this stuff? 'I have a proposition for you,' Arthur said, throwing himself on to Merlin's bed. 'Ah,' he sighed, wriggling around in it, 'the good times I had in this very bed. It must be gutted that you're the only person it's seen this term - poor little virginal Merlin. I showed it some spectacular shows. Girl on my face, girl on my dick... brilliant.'
Merlin rolled his eyes. By now - seven weeks into term and counting - he had learned to ignore Arthur any time he talked about women, or sex, or sport. Which, to be fair, meant that Merlin ignored around 80% of his conversation. But it was the remaining 20% that he liked so much. That 20% where Arthur was honest, shy, self-deprecating, and actually listened to what Merlin had to say rather than using him as a conduit for anecdotes. Merlin knew that he was the only person that Arthur was like this with, and that made him feel good. Even if hearing Arthur list past conquests didn't.
'As nice as it is to hear about your past shags, Pendragon, I do have an essay to be getting on with,' Merlin gestured at his computer, bought with a grant from the college. He was inordinately pleased with it. In fact, Gwen teased him that she was pretty sure he'd never have room for romance in his life whilst his bond with his Mac was so strong. 'Yeah,' he'd said to her sarcastically, 'that's what will hold me back - my love for my computer. Not, y'know, my soul-destroying crush on you-know-who.'
'Lord Voldemort?' she'd said, innocently, before pulling him to her in a hug and ruffling his hair. 'I'm sorry, you look so forlorn, I don't mean to tease.'
'... so I wondered what you thought?' Arthur was obviously halfway through a sentence that Merlin's daydreaming had prevented him from listening to.
'Um, sorry, what?' Merlin asked.
'You weren't listening to me, were you?' Arthur looked outraged.
'I presumed you were just carrying on with your dirty stories which sounds like they've come straight from the readers' pages of Escort.'
'Oi!' Arthur laughed, lobbing a pillow at Merlin's head. 'My stories are too classy for Escort... maybe Nuts?' he winked lasciviously and Merlin mimed vomiting.
'What I was saying, if you'd been so kind as to actually listen, was that it's nearly the end of Michaelmas and everyone's going on the ski trip this year but I'm not because of my stupid dissertation,' he mimed spitting on the floor as he said the word 'dissertation'. It was on puritanism and gender and witchcraft, which struck Merlin as an odd choice for Arthur, but also a slightly endearing one.
'And?' Merlin raised an eyebrow. 'Am I supposed to be feeling bad for you that you don't get to go skiing?' Merlin couldn't afford to go skiing.
'No, no,' Arthur shook his head. 'But come early January I'm going to be going out of my mind with boredom so I wondered if. Well. If. Maybe. If you wanted to come and stay?' There was something eager and shy about the way he asked it.
Merlin's stomach twisted and he tried to look casual, 'Um, at your house?'
'Yeah, ob-vi-ously,' Arthur said, like Merlin was being a bit slow. 'Just for a few days. We can go out on the lash, take my dogs for a walk... you know.'
'Hmm,' Merlin's heart was hammering. 'Why so keen for company? College starts in the middle of the month.'
'Well,' Arthur sat up on Merlin's bed, looking very intent. 'For one, my Dad is being an absolute arsehole at the moment and you will dilute his wankery. And two, my stepsister's around and her favourite game pretty much all of the time is pissing me off.'
'So I'm basically going to be a human shield against your family?' Merlin was doing his best impression of being completely nonchalant but he kept wanting to just start grinning and grinning and never stop.
'No, well, yeah, well, sort of,' Arthur shrugged. 'Anyway, want to come or what? Don't pretend you've got anything better to do.'
Merlin scoffed, 'I do have a life back home you know?' Even though he didn't. 'I've got family commitments.' His Mum. 'Friends.' One of them. Will. 'Stuff to do.' A job in the local Co-Op.
'Fine, whatever, so you're Mr Popular in Essex, like that's hard.' Arthur pulled his iPhone out, got a photo up. 'That's Morgana, my step-sister.' She was absolutely stunning, Merlin thought. Arthur gave him a cheeky smile, 'Does the look of her sweeten the deal?' Merlin looked at the way Arthur's hair curled over his ears. At his tan that didn't fade, even in winter. He then looked at her. She was pretty. But.
'Yeah, sure,' he lied. 'She's gorgeous.'
'So you'll come?' Arthur asked. 'Lord Uther Pendragon is always a useful contact to have you know?' he said it as if he wasn't that bothered if Merlin came or not. But he was also biting his lip.
'Yeah, I'll come.'
Arthur's face crinkled into a smile then and he pulled Merlin towards him, scruffing up his hair as Merlin tried to push him off. He didn't try that hard though.
'Wicked, mate, we'll have the best time,' Arthur said. He stood up, ineffectually tried to straighten the wrinkles out of his trousers. 'You'd better get on with your essay. Can't have you getting a 2.ii this week, can we now? As head of the History Society I demand better of my members.' He pulled a stern face then ruined it by sniggering. 'And I don't want you looking like a wet blanket for the last week of term. It's going to be fucking sweet: Christmas Dinner, and Jingles, and mistletoe everywhere.' He let out a happy sigh.
Once he was gone Merlin locked the door and lay down on his bed on his stomach, head full of idle daydreams about what might happen on his trip. Maybe they'd share a bed. Maybe Arthur would kiss him, or touch him, or. He felt his cock stiffening and cursed the effect Arthur was having on his libido. He'd spent a lot of time lately on a variety of free porn streaming websites.
He spent a large proportion of his days frightened that the Computer Officer really did have a record of everyone's internet history and would confront him in the middle of the buttery with a printed list of every website he'd been on. Of all the dirty, dirty porn he'd been watching. But that fear wasn't enough to stop him helplessly googling free porn, finding clips of blond guys - muscular but not too muscular - sucking other men's dicks, or giving handjobs, or fucking. If he squinted he found that he could pretend that it was Arthur, that he could imagine that the hand on his dick tossing him off was Arthur's, that Arthur fancied him, was desperate to shag him, would mutter filthy promises in his ear about making him come, about pushing his fingers inside Merlin, about feeling how tight he was around his dick. His mind would spiral into elaborate - and filthy - fantasies and it got to the stage that he suffered from regular wrist-ache and had to fight down an odd panic that maybe he actually would go blind.
What made it worse was the knowledge that his feelings would never be reciprocated. He'd gone through everything in his head so many times that he felt a bit sick just thinking about it. The best case scenario if he came out was that Arthur would pull away from him but still be friendly. Ish. The worst - and most probable - case was that he would never properly talk to Merlin again, the way he'd changed with Tom. No more late night epic discussions about anything and everything under the sun (except Merlin's sexuality of course). No more play-fights, or games of tennis, or passing out on Arthur's bedroom floor after a particularly heavy one. And whilst in the cold light of day he could rationalise his friendship with Arthur to some extent - how close could he really be with someone who was a bigot? - deep down he knew that he was a bit in love with him. And love wasn't rational, was it?
Staying with Arthur would be exciting, and fun, and terrifying. He'd blatantly make an absolute dick of himself. Merlin went back to his computer with idle thoughts of maybe, you know, finishing his essay but ended up finding himself putting 'Lord Uther Pendragon' into google. Just to be prepared.
He was greeted with an image of a stern-looking, handsome older man. Merlin scrolled down his political positions and couldn't help himself clicking on 'Gay rights'. His stomach churned a little as he knew exactly what he would find.
There. He had opposed the Labour government's repeal of the Section 28 legislation in 2000, which banned local authorities from promoting the acceptability of homosexuality. In the House of Lords he had led the campaign against its repeal. He had voted against lesbians having IV. Against gay couples adopting. Against civil partnerships for gay people.
Merlin stopped reading, put his head on his desk - still sticky from spilled sambucca two nights before - and began to bang it gently. Of course Arthur was a homophobe with Uther for a father. It wasn't an excuse, but it was an explanation of sorts. Merlin's mother had never been anything but supportive. She had known, even before Merlin did, that he was gay. She had always supported gay rights, in her quiet, unassuming way, and he had only known how much the concept horrified some people by having the shit kicked out of him at school.
Did he really want to go and stay in a house with this man? No. But did he want to go and stay in a house with Arthur? Yes. Very much. Powerfully so. His heart surged against his ribs when he thought about it. No Leon. No Percy. No girls. No one there to turn Arthur into the womanising dickhead he pretended to be. Just Merlin.
And Uther. His homophobic Dad, Merlin's brain helpfully supplied. He groaned and went back to banging his head on the desk.
***
Jingles was the last bop of term. It was Christmas themed and everyone seemed to be wearing ludicrous costumes. Gwen wasn't though, 'I have no desire to dress up as a slutty Mrs Christmas,' she told Merlin, crossing her arms decidedly across her chest.
'You look really beautiful,' Merlin said, earnestly. She did. She was wearing a really pretty floral tea-dress and had her hair loose around her shoulders.
'Yes, well, let's just hope you're not the only one to think so?' she played with her hair, embarrassed.
Merlin had long since figured out that she was hopelessly, helplessly in love with Lance. He was also pretty sure that Lance liked her back, but his obsession with 'doing the right thing' and his friendship with Arthur meant that he wasn't going to admit it.
'I'm sure if you catch Lance under the mistletoe he'll plant a big wet one on your lips,' Merlin whispered.
Gwen laughed, despite herself, then shoved at him. 'You're incorrigible!'
'Oi, Merlin!' It was Arthur, wearing black tie, having come straight to the bop from Christmas Dinner. His cheeks were flushed and his bow-tie was undone, but it didn't stop Merlin's heart starting to beat double-time.
He looked pleadingly at Gwen who rolled her eyes, 'Go on then, run off to the college's favourite twat.'
'Don't be like that, look, Lance is here,' he gestured over to the doors where Lance had just walked in, a little unsteadily having just been at a boatie dinner.
She smoothed her hair and tugged at the hem of her dress.
'You look gorgeous,' Merlin told her. 'Now go,' he pushed her in Lance's direction, turning towards Arthur who was making a beeline for him across the crowded dancefloor.
'Alright Pendragon,' Merlin said, calmly.
'Alright, mate, saw you eying up Gwen?' Arthur smirked, but his eyes were narrowed.
'I don't fancy Gwen,' Merlin said honestly, 'she's a friend, that's all.'
'Yeah, well, let's keep it that way,' Arthur said, mock-menacingly. 'You're my friend, not hers.'
'Fine, fine, whatever,' Merlin fought to keep the smile from curving his lips. He knew it was weird but he did like it when Arthur acted jealous, even if it was just over his friendship.
'You seen your fit sister Mel anywhere?' Arthur asked. 'She's been giving me the eye for weeks.'
Merlin's stomach dropped, as it always did when Arthur talked about shagging girls, which he did all the fucking time. Merlin felt like he was on a constant rollercoaster. 'Erm, I think she was out with the fresher girls' drinking society.'
'Ah, so she'll be nice and pissed when she gets back,' Arthur said lecherously. 'Inhibitions lowered.'
'You sound like a date rapist,' Merlin snapped. 'Seriously, that's not funny.'
Arthur sighed, abruptly stopped acting so drunk, 'I'm kidding, Merlin. Do you really think a guy like me relies on alcohol to get girls into bed?' He stepped back and jokingly did a twirl for Merlin.
'You're so arrogant,' Merlin said, refusing to be appeased. 'And once you've shagged Mel, what then?'
Arthur furrowed his brow, 'Well, then I sneak out of her room early the next morning and pretend nothing happened.'
'Do you never get bored of that?' Merlin asked, the bottle of wine he'd consumed making him more aggressive than normal.
'Of sex?' Arthur asked, confused.
'No, of it just being sex. That you never stay the night, or take them out for dinner, or, or, even acknowledge that something happened there.'
'I acknowledge it when I tell the rest of my drinking society what I got up to,' Arthur grinned. 'When I tell them how flexible she was and how big her tits were.'
Merlin shook his head, 'That's disgusting, and you're avoiding the question. You know exactly what I mean. Don't you ever want an actual relationship?'
'You're one to talk, mate!' Arthur prodded him in the centre of his chest. 'You've pulled one girl all term and spent the rest of the time moping around, being all virginal and shit. It's not natural.'
They locked eyes for a moment and Merlin found himself wanting to just shove Arthur over, punch him, do something to wipe that smug, considering gaze off his perfect face.
'Look, the girls know what they're getting into,' Arthur softened, squeezing Merlin's shoulder. 'I never promise them anything, okay? And when I leave here I'll get a quiet, well-behaved, steady girlfriend, settle down. It's what my Dad wants. It's what I need for my career. So it's what I'll do.'
'And what do you want?' Merlin asked, desperately.
'Another beer,' Arthur laughed, and the moment was broken. 'Now come on, let's get some drinks in.'
***
'... the thing is, you're the only one who understands me,' Arthur slurred. He was lying fully-dressed on his bed, with Merlin slumped on the beanbag he had in his room. It was three in the morning. Arthur had not found Mel, and had eventually told Merlin that he was declaring the night 'bros before hos' before dragging him back to his room.
'Other people would understand you if you let them,' Merlin was busy insisting, trying his hardest not to let his words stumble into one another. He had to squint to see Arthur straight.
'No no no, you've got to understand, Merlin, no one wants to understand me. They want me to be what they see on the surface. They want me to drink too much, play loads of sport, have shitloads of one-night-stands. It's what they expect of me, so I have to do it.'
'Bullshit, Arthur, you don't have to do anything you don't want to,' Merlin said. 'Lance is popular and he's just a straight-up good guy.'
Arthur sat upright then (lurched upright, truth be told) and glared at Merlin. 'Don't mention that name to me. I saw him pulling Gwen earlier. Her all melting into him and him being all strong and silent. Where was bros before hos then?' Arthur demanded.
'You broke up two months ago, Arthur,' Merlin pointed out. 'And you've slept with five different girls in the past eight weeks alone. Pulled about twenty. You can hardly have a go at her.'
'Well I want to,' Arthur said mutinously. 'Fuck it's hot in here. Is it hot in here?'
'No,' Merlin said. 'It's December. In a single-glazed room that was built in the 17th century.'
'I'm hot,' Arthur said. He picked up the glass of water that Merlin had helpfully put on his bedside cabinet and downed it, messily wiping his mouth. He unbuttoned his shirt. Merlin looked away, blushing.
'I should go,' he said.
'Yeah, alright mate.'
Merlin looked across at Arthur. He was drunkenly trying to get his arms out of his shirt but couldn't. 'Fuck,' he snarled.
Merlin helped him get his cufflinks off, remove his shirt, his fingers seeming to operate separately from his mind which was stuck in a loop on the words 'Arthur is undressing'.
Then Arthur was topless in front of him, undoing his trousers. Merlin's mouth felt dry. He looked away, shy suddenly. 'Thanks for the striptease Pendragon, I'd better,' he gestured to the door to the set.
Arthur stood, a sudden movement that had Merlin jittering backwards, almost expecting to be punched as if Arthur could read his mind.
But all he did was open his arms for Merlin. He was only wearing boxers. Merlin didn't let himself consider that, or what it meant. Didn't let himself stare and stare at Arthur's biceps, at his muscular chest, the hair trailing down from his navel. Just gingerly went towards him, let him hug him, trying desperately not to do what he wanted - not to align their hips and rut against him. Not lean in to his neck and breathe in the smell of alcohol and sweat and Arthur.
'Thanks mate,' Arthur said. 'You're such a good friend to me. Really.' He clapped Merlin on the shoulder. 'See you tomorrow.'
Merlin wondered that night, as he tossed and turned in his bed, if maybe part of Arthur was gay. If maybe deep down he liked boys. In Merlin's experience, guys had a tendency not to, you know hug other men when nearly naked. Not if they were heterosexual at least.
He fell asleep to the image of Arthur, arms open for him like he had been earlier, but this time he didn't say 'Thanks mate', he just whispered Merlin, like he was begging. And then he kissed him.
CHAPTER SIX