let me be honest
i'm starting to freak out a little. i'm sure the foundation of the stress is the whole i have massive bills coming up and no way to pay them, but there's more. part of me keeps thinking i made a mistake coming out here. in the last two days one of my friends got drunk, snapped, and talked about killing himself to the point of actually grabbing two knives and cutting his wrist. he did it perpendicular to the vein, so it was more a crazy thing than an actual suicide thing as he would've cut the length of the wrist to actually kill himself. but that was some fun late night drama that's had me sleeping and spending most of my time at skyler and danny's apartment the last couple of days. it was my bedmate that did that. then today i come back to the apartment to find that one of my other friends got beat up by his boyfriend who was drunk and also snapped at the time. they talked and are now crashed out at my apartment together. i haven't heard anything regarding a job and the days til bills are due are just slipping away. jeremy, the guy i'm dating, was coming off as a bit smothering, plus he likes to go and just hang out at a fully nude bar which, i believe, causes some problems in the bedroom. and i'm not speculating about the problems. i miss my california friends and they're making it known that they miss me. i just really don't know what the hell is going on or what to do or even what i want to do. i broke things off w/ jeremy a couple hours ago and now we're talking again and we're gonna meet up tomorrow to see how it goes. i don't know what the hell is going on, i just know that i feel out of control and like i'm having a constant panic attack that lets me look normal but leaves me wanting to just pull my hair and scratch myself. i don't know what to do, but it's getting to me and i don't know where to turn or who to talk to. i have amazing, supportive friends, i know, but i just feel like there's no point in talking about it because i don't even know what the hell i'm thinking, so how are they going to know what to say? i'll either get pissed that they're feeding me cliches about how everything will get better or depressed at the suggestion that i just go back to cali. part of me feels like i don't belong here, like i'll never fit in. how can i feel broken after only a week?