ugh

[photogal85]

on sunday night, i was talking to jeremy, the guy i met online before i moved out here, via text message. we had a date to go out monday night but not before then. freddy invited him out to the drag show, so i extended the invitation to him. he gave me grief that the invite came from my friend, but i just didn't know that i wanted our first meeting to involved multiple gay men and a drag show, which he'd never been to before. it ended up being just me, him and freddy. freddy drank and jeremy still seemed to enjoy himself, haha. because we'd been texting so much for 3 days, we automatically felt pretty comfortable w/ each other. the fact that we texted so much along is weird. normally i'm just like "we made the date, now leave me the hell alone", but it wasn't like that at all this time. we kissed a few times, and he's quite a good kisser. he's a sweet guy who's a bit of a romantic and wants to spoil me. me and the gays went out job hunting on monday. we all took my car. skyler and danny had an appointment across town. they were confident it would only take about an hour, so i pushed our date back from 5:30 to 6, told them to take the car and come pick me and freddy up from caesar's when they were done. well, the appointment was taking longer and they weren't sure when they would be done. i texted jeremy saying i was stranded w/ no car and no idea when i would be home. w/o even thinking about it, he asked if i wanted him to come pick us up. so he came and got me and freddy, took us back to the apartment, i changed quickly and we were on our way to our date. he drove, of course =) we got dinner, then played pool, which was a lot of fun. my horrible game picked up enough so i could show him up a little. it ended up being 3-4, he won more games, but the last game he lost by default by hitting the cue ball in on the break. we kept playing and he ended up winning. then we parked at caesar's and wandered around the strip a little. we ended up watching the fountain show at the bellagio, then got lost trying to find out way back to the car. we went back to his place to watch movies. he lives w/ his family, he's saving up to buy a house within the year. the house is gorgeous and the dogs are adorable. we weren't even halfway into the first movie when we started to make out. at one point he asked if it was too soon to ask me to be his girlfriend. i was torn, part of me said yes, the other said no. we kept making out and things progressed. he already knew about the panic attacks, so i didn't have to explain when i had 2 of them. one before we had sex, one after. we'd both declared we weren't having sex that night, but it happened. now i feel like we're moving too fast. i'm panicing a little, actually, which sucks cuz he really likes me. he thinks i'm perfect. part of me wants to bolt, another wants to just slow it down a lot, i don't know.

add to all of this that i need a job and i'm very low on money and life is just a little too stressful. i really should go get ready and fill out a couple of applications, but i'm shutting off because of all the stress. i at least want to take a shower. oh, yeah, and freddy's mattress, which i'm sharing w/ him, still has something in it that bites me every time i lay down on it. it's kinda ridiculous. i'm still glad i moved, i am, it's just hard right now. w/ any luck one of the roommates will be moving to salt lake within the month and i'll get the master bedroom and bathroom to myself until the house is ready, which would be pretty awesome. something to look forward to...you know, that and getting a job.