italisicilianapatience
there is a strange darkness developing inside my house.
Not a darkness.
a sort of emptiness.
it never felt quite empty before. I always had something to fill it. I loved this house.
It's like this shit with Revis somehow made coming home a chore now. I can't stand to look at my mother or hear her speak to me. Revis and I dodge each other as best as we can and I spend every moment at home in my bedroom on this laptop now. I don't eat in the kitchen, I don't watch TV. My world away from school has shrunk to the phone and this laptop. To my bed and stereo.
I can't function correctly anymore; my emotions are fraying rapidly to the point where I experiences days-long periods of utter apathy and alternately a sinking depression that instead of making me cry simply puts me into deep sleeps that I don't like to wake from at all, or makes me severely angry at everything and everyone. Tonight was a blend of both.
Even when instant messaging I can't form coherent statements. The things I say make no sense and I can find no reason to say anything that means anything because it's utterly pointless to me right now; nothing changes, no one new comes along, no one in the fold already brings anything to me that I can acknowledge. There are even days when I want to just shut the laptop down and go to sleep.
I seem to want to do that more and more lately. Just sleep.
Fuck school, fuck my laptop, fuck having friends- just sleep.
That may not be what I want, but when I'm here that's how I feel. I just don't give a shit about anything. And that part of my brain that I thought I had killed off effectively keeps sneaking up to tell me that that's exactly how everyone feels about me, too- they don't give a shit.
Which is likely not actually true, but the way I feel right now I can't prove myself wrong. I can't bring myself to care about whether they care, either.
I just want to sleep. Shit.
[I can already picture the response one of you is going to give me to this. No, Lyle, not you.]
I don't understand exactly what's happening to me. Even my favorite songs bore the shit out of me when I'm home. I don't want to hear anything except "The Patient" or "Italiana" or "Siciliana" and I only listen to those three because they put me in a deep sleep without medication.
It seems like all I want to do is sleep. Not dream. Sleep.
Am I suffering from "clinical depression"?
I don't think so, but whatever the fuck this is I'd really like it to break now.
Why haven't I seen my goddamned therapist in like forever? I actually need to see her now.
God, I'm so confused and angry and sad and bored and sleepy.
That's all I feel lately. Ever since....well hm. Since Revis stole the car.
It doesn't even make sense that having a car stolen would throw me into some deep depression. How fucked up am I?
Not a darkness.
a sort of emptiness.
it never felt quite empty before. I always had something to fill it. I loved this house.
It's like this shit with Revis somehow made coming home a chore now. I can't stand to look at my mother or hear her speak to me. Revis and I dodge each other as best as we can and I spend every moment at home in my bedroom on this laptop now. I don't eat in the kitchen, I don't watch TV. My world away from school has shrunk to the phone and this laptop. To my bed and stereo.
I can't function correctly anymore; my emotions are fraying rapidly to the point where I experiences days-long periods of utter apathy and alternately a sinking depression that instead of making me cry simply puts me into deep sleeps that I don't like to wake from at all, or makes me severely angry at everything and everyone. Tonight was a blend of both.
Even when instant messaging I can't form coherent statements. The things I say make no sense and I can find no reason to say anything that means anything because it's utterly pointless to me right now; nothing changes, no one new comes along, no one in the fold already brings anything to me that I can acknowledge. There are even days when I want to just shut the laptop down and go to sleep.
I seem to want to do that more and more lately. Just sleep.
Fuck school, fuck my laptop, fuck having friends- just sleep.
That may not be what I want, but when I'm here that's how I feel. I just don't give a shit about anything. And that part of my brain that I thought I had killed off effectively keeps sneaking up to tell me that that's exactly how everyone feels about me, too- they don't give a shit.
Which is likely not actually true, but the way I feel right now I can't prove myself wrong. I can't bring myself to care about whether they care, either.
I just want to sleep. Shit.
[I can already picture the response one of you is going to give me to this. No, Lyle, not you.]
I don't understand exactly what's happening to me. Even my favorite songs bore the shit out of me when I'm home. I don't want to hear anything except "The Patient" or "Italiana" or "Siciliana" and I only listen to those three because they put me in a deep sleep without medication.
It seems like all I want to do is sleep. Not dream. Sleep.
Am I suffering from "clinical depression"?
I don't think so, but whatever the fuck this is I'd really like it to break now.
Why haven't I seen my goddamned therapist in like forever? I actually need to see her now.
God, I'm so confused and angry and sad and bored and sleepy.
That's all I feel lately. Ever since....well hm. Since Revis stole the car.
It doesn't even make sense that having a car stolen would throw me into some deep depression. How fucked up am I?