notoriously bored
it means almost nothing anymore to hear that i am angry about something. i'm almost always angry, by the looks of things; almost nothing pleases me, nothing satisfies me, nothing appeases me.
this of course is not the truth but it is accurate enough of the time to paint a rather nasty picture of the nature of myself and my temper to other people who are too lazy or who cannot be bothered whether because i'm simply not interesting enough, worthwhile enough or otherwise, to bother finding out what i'm really like.
i mentioned that purely as a preface to this entry which as it may have been hinted at up there is going to be a rant. because i am thinking as i often do of something that makes me incredibly angry, and so i'm going to write it here because it's my fucking journal and i have the right to.
like i mentioned before, the question was posed to me a few days ago why i am involved with troy, mary and jess (and apparently with Dan Who Everybody Just Fucking Loves), and i could give no definitive answer. i still cannot. at times i want to transcend the knotted anger in my stomach at so many things and really, there was that time saturday and sunday when i realized that it is possible for me to love again and be loved. it is...but at the same time that doesn't change the way some things are, and one of those things is, apparently, the way that mary can enrage me.
how do i abhor thee? let me count the ways.
there is the simple fact of our being utterly incompatible: she the ever innocent, naive, sheltered child in a woman's body, and me...whatever i am. i'm definitely naive, obviously, and probably sheltered too in a lot of ways, but mary goes beyong comprehension. hell, mary goes beyond incomprehension.
honestly none of our differences or any of the other shit is quite as big a problem as what i explained to them that day in GBW: that Mary is this super innocent, adorable, squeaky, tender, vulnerable, virginal, nice little goody-two-shoes and just about everyone feels the need to protect little old mary from the big bad moth. we've already seen what jess does, and in his own (somewhat nicer but nevertheless galling) way troy does it too; he's always ready to jump to mary's defense if i so much as jokingly say something to her. it's like everyone is lined up to protect mary from all the dangers of the world and she just laps it up, lavishes in this stupidly disgusting coddling like a spoiled child while i'm left looking like the worst asshole to ever walk the earth (and really maybe I am, but i have feelings you know). i get so sick of being asked why i'm so mean to mary, what mary ever did to me, why i'm not talking to mary. i get sick of hearing how mean i am to mary or how sweet mary is or how innocent she is or how fucking cute/adorable/what the fuck ever other adjective you can think of to mean disgustingly saccharine and mouselike she is. she is twenty-two fucking years old, goddamn it. stop treating her like she's your stupid daughter.
and stop treating me like the schoolyard bully who picks on her too much. sometimes i need to be fucking defended. sometimes i want to be cradled and held and fawned over and stroked and caressed and cuddled, but just like with brittani when i was a child, i'm too sharp and full of edges and rough patches for people to want to touch me.
god, i get sick of it sometimes. being told to shut up so troy and mary can have a conversation. feeling like i have to ask permission to be a part of their phone calls which i eventually grow uncomfortable in because it's so fucking imbalanced. mary acting like a whipped puppy with her stupid apologies and her simpering i love you and bullshit. and oh god, the ridiculousness of listening to/reading her and troy sometimes. it's like reading one of my five-dollar romance novels with the way he's the licentious, reckless rebel hero come to sweep the pure little virgin maiden off her feet and carry her into the sunset and show her what it means to let go of her inhibitions and be loved and love in return.
part of it disgusts me and part of it makes me sick with jealousy. I will freely admit that. I want somebody to do that to me. But I'm not nice like Mary. I'm not innocent and cute and sweet and adorable and constantly fucking apologizing for daring to breathe like mary.
and Dan. Dan who mary dripped on about for ages and was just so in love with who turned out to actually be ragnarokfinis who was the guy i had a crush on way back in the day in GBW and who apparently is just so fucking sexy with his accent and his knowledge and he's just so fucking exotic and mary and troy just gasm over him and how he says lullaby omg omg omg dan say lullaby again, pip you have to hear how he says lullaby it's so sexy!
shut.the.fuck.up.
Yeah. I'm jealous of him too. I get sick of hearing this person I can't stand and this person I want to be amazed by me like I am by him constantly fucking raving about and drooling and orgasming and falling all over themselves over some guy because he fucking says lullaby funny.
Jesus fucking christ.
and I'm supposed to want to spend who knows how long with them on a road trip which would probably involve seeing more of mary's stupid lovers or whatever the fuck, or even just the two of them and listen to them drip over each other all the fucking time?
sometimes when i imagine it i would almost rather be locked up in the bathroom of paige's apartment while she and mario have loud, raucous sex in front of me and scare me half to death like christina and mark used to.
and really. i would break up with all of them but troy because troy would be a possibility to explore; i don't even know troy that well because i know him only in the context of maryandtroyandme, not troy. but if i break up with mary jess would hate me and troy would hate me and i'd be left alone because everybody fucking loves mary and god, it's all so incredibly sickening that i could kill her. i really could kill her sometimes. this is ridiculously difficult and i have tolaugh because when we talked about polyamorous relationships in english tuesday i talked about how i'm in one and i said all our problems get worked out eventually. what a lie. the biggest problem of all is just getting bigger by the fucking day.
maybe i should just break up with them both and go it alone again, because clearly although i am fine in polyamorous relationships, it can't be with two people who are more suited for being with each other than for being with me. i don't know why i keep entering into relationships with people who like each other better...oh yeah. it's because i want to be with one of them and know that i can't be with one without having to deal with the other.
ugh.
i'm fucking going to sleep. fuck this shit.
this of course is not the truth but it is accurate enough of the time to paint a rather nasty picture of the nature of myself and my temper to other people who are too lazy or who cannot be bothered whether because i'm simply not interesting enough, worthwhile enough or otherwise, to bother finding out what i'm really like.
i mentioned that purely as a preface to this entry which as it may have been hinted at up there is going to be a rant. because i am thinking as i often do of something that makes me incredibly angry, and so i'm going to write it here because it's my fucking journal and i have the right to.
like i mentioned before, the question was posed to me a few days ago why i am involved with troy, mary and jess (and apparently with Dan Who Everybody Just Fucking Loves), and i could give no definitive answer. i still cannot. at times i want to transcend the knotted anger in my stomach at so many things and really, there was that time saturday and sunday when i realized that it is possible for me to love again and be loved. it is...but at the same time that doesn't change the way some things are, and one of those things is, apparently, the way that mary can enrage me.
how do i abhor thee? let me count the ways.
there is the simple fact of our being utterly incompatible: she the ever innocent, naive, sheltered child in a woman's body, and me...whatever i am. i'm definitely naive, obviously, and probably sheltered too in a lot of ways, but mary goes beyong comprehension. hell, mary goes beyond incomprehension.
honestly none of our differences or any of the other shit is quite as big a problem as what i explained to them that day in GBW: that Mary is this super innocent, adorable, squeaky, tender, vulnerable, virginal, nice little goody-two-shoes and just about everyone feels the need to protect little old mary from the big bad moth. we've already seen what jess does, and in his own (somewhat nicer but nevertheless galling) way troy does it too; he's always ready to jump to mary's defense if i so much as jokingly say something to her. it's like everyone is lined up to protect mary from all the dangers of the world and she just laps it up, lavishes in this stupidly disgusting coddling like a spoiled child while i'm left looking like the worst asshole to ever walk the earth (and really maybe I am, but i have feelings you know). i get so sick of being asked why i'm so mean to mary, what mary ever did to me, why i'm not talking to mary. i get sick of hearing how mean i am to mary or how sweet mary is or how innocent she is or how fucking cute/adorable/what the fuck ever other adjective you can think of to mean disgustingly saccharine and mouselike she is. she is twenty-two fucking years old, goddamn it. stop treating her like she's your stupid daughter.
and stop treating me like the schoolyard bully who picks on her too much. sometimes i need to be fucking defended. sometimes i want to be cradled and held and fawned over and stroked and caressed and cuddled, but just like with brittani when i was a child, i'm too sharp and full of edges and rough patches for people to want to touch me.
god, i get sick of it sometimes. being told to shut up so troy and mary can have a conversation. feeling like i have to ask permission to be a part of their phone calls which i eventually grow uncomfortable in because it's so fucking imbalanced. mary acting like a whipped puppy with her stupid apologies and her simpering i love you and bullshit. and oh god, the ridiculousness of listening to/reading her and troy sometimes. it's like reading one of my five-dollar romance novels with the way he's the licentious, reckless rebel hero come to sweep the pure little virgin maiden off her feet and carry her into the sunset and show her what it means to let go of her inhibitions and be loved and love in return.
part of it disgusts me and part of it makes me sick with jealousy. I will freely admit that. I want somebody to do that to me. But I'm not nice like Mary. I'm not innocent and cute and sweet and adorable and constantly fucking apologizing for daring to breathe like mary.
and Dan. Dan who mary dripped on about for ages and was just so in love with who turned out to actually be ragnarokfinis who was the guy i had a crush on way back in the day in GBW and who apparently is just so fucking sexy with his accent and his knowledge and he's just so fucking exotic and mary and troy just gasm over him and how he says lullaby omg omg omg dan say lullaby again, pip you have to hear how he says lullaby it's so sexy!
shut.the.fuck.up.
Yeah. I'm jealous of him too. I get sick of hearing this person I can't stand and this person I want to be amazed by me like I am by him constantly fucking raving about and drooling and orgasming and falling all over themselves over some guy because he fucking says lullaby funny.
Jesus fucking christ.
and I'm supposed to want to spend who knows how long with them on a road trip which would probably involve seeing more of mary's stupid lovers or whatever the fuck, or even just the two of them and listen to them drip over each other all the fucking time?
sometimes when i imagine it i would almost rather be locked up in the bathroom of paige's apartment while she and mario have loud, raucous sex in front of me and scare me half to death like christina and mark used to.
and really. i would break up with all of them but troy because troy would be a possibility to explore; i don't even know troy that well because i know him only in the context of maryandtroyandme, not troy. but if i break up with mary jess would hate me and troy would hate me and i'd be left alone because everybody fucking loves mary and god, it's all so incredibly sickening that i could kill her. i really could kill her sometimes. this is ridiculously difficult and i have tolaugh because when we talked about polyamorous relationships in english tuesday i talked about how i'm in one and i said all our problems get worked out eventually. what a lie. the biggest problem of all is just getting bigger by the fucking day.
maybe i should just break up with them both and go it alone again, because clearly although i am fine in polyamorous relationships, it can't be with two people who are more suited for being with each other than for being with me. i don't know why i keep entering into relationships with people who like each other better...oh yeah. it's because i want to be with one of them and know that i can't be with one without having to deal with the other.
ugh.
i'm fucking going to sleep. fuck this shit.