remember your heart
last night at some point troy called me. it must have been at like three in the morning...something late, that's all i know, because i was already swaying with drowsiness and most of the call was conducted with my eyes closed.
we talked for hours about random things. a teacher he used to love. the school system where he lives. his suspicions that the reason i won't open up to him is because i'm tired of getting hurt. (go figure) food, sex, his penis (this enters the conversation every single time we talk on the phone). i don't remember all of what was said because i was so sleepy and troy was quite high and when troy is high he spins these wild huge soft white dreamcloths of speech, billowing in the darkness and glowing just a little over our heads and everything's light and close and intimate even when the conversation is far from it, and i often simply wrap myself inside the sound of his voice and let it go, dipping and grazing my skin and traveling back through my head to pull random thoughts from me with such startling accuracy that it is as if we share a mind sometimes. just sometimes. and he tells me things about before i knew him.
it sounded as if his heart was breaking this morning as he talked to me about his old friends, about the things he once believed in and it ached to listen to the way his voice was cracking and becoming stretched soft and thin in my ears and i wanted to wrap him in the gentleness of slowly coming to love him and stroke his hair.
he kept saying he'd be okay because he had to be and i told him that was bullshit. don't do that to me, i said. and we lay in silence for a few minutes.
and then i gave him a song. and he took the phone away from his ear to put his headphones on to listen and a little while later he came back and he said, "i don't even have a comment." and i smiled because i had made him speechless, and then he said "actually i do have a comment. you just gave me my addiction for the entire sixteen-hour drive to atlanta."
and i lay there in the lightening dark smiling because i meant every word.
he told me that he wanted to lay on a rooftop with me in the rain and i closed my eyes to hear the storm in my imagination as it would pour over our faces and star our cheeks and lashes and hair and eyebrows in the gorgeous gray dark of sultry wetness...it was enough to make me sigh.
there was a point where jess was with us too, but i don't remember a lot of that because i was falling asleep so much and so most of what i remember is jess' soft "piiiiip? piiiiiip....wake up... " and then one of them would whisper "i think pip fell asleep again" and i'd start awake and say something nasty and they both laughed.
it was nice.i thought the jealousy would come but it never came. i felt like i was asleep with my head between them, lulled by their egotistical ramblings on how sexy they were (they're both of polish background) and how nobody else is as hot as polish people. which made me laugh in my sleep as i realized i've never been attracted to anyone of polish descent but daniel.
i talked to troy until the sun came up and his mother began to fuss about his being on the phone and he was quite a brat to her, saying he'd get off when he felt like it and what could he possibly have to do that he needed to get off the phone for and it was all so funny listening to him laugh at how i gasped to hear him speak to his mother that way. and he tricked her by saying he'd get off when he finished his cigarette and then lit another cigarette and whispered "shh. i cheated. i just lit another one."
and we talked till it went out and he told me to go to sleep and called me baby (he called me that several times throughout this phone call actually and i squealed softly into the blankets every time), and we hung up and i fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.
i remember him saying something that sounded like my own personal dream-come-true at some point. i've been trying to remember it this entire entry and now i do: when he was listening to the song i was telling him that he ought to be bringing his things to the front of the house so he'd be ready when he had to leave, and he said "all i want to do right now is lay here in the dark with this song in one ear and your voice in the other."
and while that easily is simply a confession of his supreme, sultanlike laziness, but it also felt like a tiny little hand brushing my cheek saying "here, listen. someone wants to hear your voice, and not just any voice." and it felt...good.
i am happy right now.
we talked for hours about random things. a teacher he used to love. the school system where he lives. his suspicions that the reason i won't open up to him is because i'm tired of getting hurt. (go figure) food, sex, his penis (this enters the conversation every single time we talk on the phone). i don't remember all of what was said because i was so sleepy and troy was quite high and when troy is high he spins these wild huge soft white dreamcloths of speech, billowing in the darkness and glowing just a little over our heads and everything's light and close and intimate even when the conversation is far from it, and i often simply wrap myself inside the sound of his voice and let it go, dipping and grazing my skin and traveling back through my head to pull random thoughts from me with such startling accuracy that it is as if we share a mind sometimes. just sometimes. and he tells me things about before i knew him.
it sounded as if his heart was breaking this morning as he talked to me about his old friends, about the things he once believed in and it ached to listen to the way his voice was cracking and becoming stretched soft and thin in my ears and i wanted to wrap him in the gentleness of slowly coming to love him and stroke his hair.
he kept saying he'd be okay because he had to be and i told him that was bullshit. don't do that to me, i said. and we lay in silence for a few minutes.
and then i gave him a song. and he took the phone away from his ear to put his headphones on to listen and a little while later he came back and he said, "i don't even have a comment." and i smiled because i had made him speechless, and then he said "actually i do have a comment. you just gave me my addiction for the entire sixteen-hour drive to atlanta."
and i lay there in the lightening dark smiling because i meant every word.
he told me that he wanted to lay on a rooftop with me in the rain and i closed my eyes to hear the storm in my imagination as it would pour over our faces and star our cheeks and lashes and hair and eyebrows in the gorgeous gray dark of sultry wetness...it was enough to make me sigh.
there was a point where jess was with us too, but i don't remember a lot of that because i was falling asleep so much and so most of what i remember is jess' soft "piiiiip? piiiiiip....wake up... " and then one of them would whisper "i think pip fell asleep again" and i'd start awake and say something nasty and they both laughed.
it was nice.i thought the jealousy would come but it never came. i felt like i was asleep with my head between them, lulled by their egotistical ramblings on how sexy they were (they're both of polish background) and how nobody else is as hot as polish people. which made me laugh in my sleep as i realized i've never been attracted to anyone of polish descent but daniel.
i talked to troy until the sun came up and his mother began to fuss about his being on the phone and he was quite a brat to her, saying he'd get off when he felt like it and what could he possibly have to do that he needed to get off the phone for and it was all so funny listening to him laugh at how i gasped to hear him speak to his mother that way. and he tricked her by saying he'd get off when he finished his cigarette and then lit another cigarette and whispered "shh. i cheated. i just lit another one."
and we talked till it went out and he told me to go to sleep and called me baby (he called me that several times throughout this phone call actually and i squealed softly into the blankets every time), and we hung up and i fell into a deep and dreamless sleep.
i remember him saying something that sounded like my own personal dream-come-true at some point. i've been trying to remember it this entire entry and now i do: when he was listening to the song i was telling him that he ought to be bringing his things to the front of the house so he'd be ready when he had to leave, and he said "all i want to do right now is lay here in the dark with this song in one ear and your voice in the other."
and while that easily is simply a confession of his supreme, sultanlike laziness, but it also felt like a tiny little hand brushing my cheek saying "here, listen. someone wants to hear your voice, and not just any voice." and it felt...good.
i am happy right now.