watch my face
i took a bath and got into bed as planned but i lay there reading and the closer i got to finishing the book the faster my pulse raced, the harder i fought what keeps coming back and coming back every single night, every goddamned night, every time the music goes off and the room is dark and there is nothing here but me and this room and the suffocating heat/searing chill and the gnawing in my stomach every night, every night, sitting upright in that bed between the rough sheets and the rough blanket that scratch my skin and the heavy crochet blanket that is too thin to warm me and too thick to keep me cool and no one else is here, no one is here no one is here it is only me and the silence every fucking night every goddamned fucking night and i can feel it clawing inside my stomach scratching and peeling and fighting to get out, to come up and burn my throat raw and tear my lips apart, screams like i can only make in the dreams i have where everyone dies but me.
i am fucking terrified and i want to cry every night but i can't cry. there are no tears and there is no respite and there is no sound, there's no sound.
no sound.
just me and the silence and i miss classes because i can't sleep in the silence and so i stay awake and stare at the ceiling or my pillow or my arm or the window or my headboard, the pictures on my walls, begging to fall asleep, desperate for morning so it can be okay to be awake even though i hate the time when the sun is out and i want it to be night again so i can be free and i just lay there, i lay there alone every night afraid and silent and every thought in my head is so fucking loud it screams and screams it's like shouting in a fucking library, like crashing into the cabinets of a china shop and every sound is me, no one else, my failure, my ache, my loneliness, my wrong, my wrong wrong wrong and i want to go home but there is no home to go to and god i miss my house so much i miss my room i miss my bed i miss my door with the poster on it and i miss my pictures on the walls and my dresser and my stereo playing music to keep the silence away and keep my head from screaming itself hoarse-- but it never gets hoarse it just screams on and on and on until i want to claw myself alive i want to do something anything to stop it all.
and now i'm awake, i can't go back to sleep, i'll sleep tomorrow in the daytime after my test, i can't do this i hate being alone but it's even worse when someone else is here because then there is the silence and the weight of their wants and needs and their likes and dislikes and opinions and facts and their dreams in the air over our heads clouding mine out, drowning me out.
i cannot survive in a world with other people and i cannot survive alone.
i cannot survive. i'm choking to death on silence. i'm choking. i'm suffocating. i can't breathe. i can't see. all i hear are accented voices laughing talking speaking other languages i don't understand saying things to each other and moving along in a sea i can't swim in and so many expectations and so much i should be doing so much i could be doing so much i cannot do.
the silence and my failure and my loneliness will crush me to death and i wish they would do it quickly. i can't i can't i can't no more please please please no more.
i will not sleep tonight
i am fucking terrified and i want to cry every night but i can't cry. there are no tears and there is no respite and there is no sound, there's no sound.
no sound.
just me and the silence and i miss classes because i can't sleep in the silence and so i stay awake and stare at the ceiling or my pillow or my arm or the window or my headboard, the pictures on my walls, begging to fall asleep, desperate for morning so it can be okay to be awake even though i hate the time when the sun is out and i want it to be night again so i can be free and i just lay there, i lay there alone every night afraid and silent and every thought in my head is so fucking loud it screams and screams it's like shouting in a fucking library, like crashing into the cabinets of a china shop and every sound is me, no one else, my failure, my ache, my loneliness, my wrong, my wrong wrong wrong and i want to go home but there is no home to go to and god i miss my house so much i miss my room i miss my bed i miss my door with the poster on it and i miss my pictures on the walls and my dresser and my stereo playing music to keep the silence away and keep my head from screaming itself hoarse-- but it never gets hoarse it just screams on and on and on until i want to claw myself alive i want to do something anything to stop it all.
and now i'm awake, i can't go back to sleep, i'll sleep tomorrow in the daytime after my test, i can't do this i hate being alone but it's even worse when someone else is here because then there is the silence and the weight of their wants and needs and their likes and dislikes and opinions and facts and their dreams in the air over our heads clouding mine out, drowning me out.
i cannot survive in a world with other people and i cannot survive alone.
i cannot survive. i'm choking to death on silence. i'm choking. i'm suffocating. i can't breathe. i can't see. all i hear are accented voices laughing talking speaking other languages i don't understand saying things to each other and moving along in a sea i can't swim in and so many expectations and so much i should be doing so much i could be doing so much i cannot do.
the silence and my failure and my loneliness will crush me to death and i wish they would do it quickly. i can't i can't i can't no more please please please no more.
i will not sleep tonight