i want to hold you high (away; i keep your photograph)
it's been a long time since i wrote to you. i know. it must be a surprise that i'm doing it now.
it's surprising me too- I was pretty sure i'd gotten over the worse of remembering, the worst of carrying pieces of you lodged in every tender place i ever possessed.
and i still think so. i have dominik- do you remember him?- now, and i'm going to school just like i was when you were there, and all that good shit. i've got my own studio now in the back, and i draw and paint sometimes when i feel like i could possibly be a bit of an artist.
basically things are mostly okay. i have my ups and downs, but who doesn't, really?
i found new music. i think you'd love a lot of it as much as me, especially this one band Ra Ra Riot- they have a cellist and a violinist and you used to love shit like that. remember how we'd lay still listening to Vivaldi together?
yeah. we had some good times with music and shit. lol. we did a lot to and with music, too.
anyway...
lately i've been trying to sleep at night, but instead i find myself alone in the dark and for some reason my thoughts turn to you.
tonight i nearly started to cry because i was laying still, gently touching myself, and i'm not sure where it came from but i suddenly thought of Miss World and of another Neverending White Lights song- I think because I was looking at my stereo and remembering how the last time i was doing that with music playing, you were here.
and suddenly out of nowhere an explosion in my chest and shattered ribs and shields and walls, but only minor, and when i breathed i heard the scrape of glass. for a few minutes i lay with my eyes open trying to understand why it happened, why here, why now, how long?
and i just breathed and on the inhale i heard my voice: ....i miss you so much.
but it faded.
and i thought of dominik,
and realized that i did not have to ache for you now.
i remember telling dominik at the beginning of the school year (or well, after gustav) how sometimes i would see sunrise and it reminded me of you. and i told him how much it would hurt for a few hours,
so every morning when he texted me he'd say "does it hurt today, epi?"
sometimes, it does hurt. it'll sneak up and jab my chest but then it'll disappear. it doesn't happen often anymore, luckily, but it does happen.
i think i am getting past things, or whatever the case may be- i can talk about you now without hurting. in fact i have been able to for a while. it doesn't hurt to say things about you now or anything.
i dunno.
i guess ij ust wanted to tell you i'm okay. i miss you sometimes, but other than that, i'm fine.
it's surprising me too- I was pretty sure i'd gotten over the worse of remembering, the worst of carrying pieces of you lodged in every tender place i ever possessed.
and i still think so. i have dominik- do you remember him?- now, and i'm going to school just like i was when you were there, and all that good shit. i've got my own studio now in the back, and i draw and paint sometimes when i feel like i could possibly be a bit of an artist.
basically things are mostly okay. i have my ups and downs, but who doesn't, really?
i found new music. i think you'd love a lot of it as much as me, especially this one band Ra Ra Riot- they have a cellist and a violinist and you used to love shit like that. remember how we'd lay still listening to Vivaldi together?
yeah. we had some good times with music and shit. lol. we did a lot to and with music, too.
anyway...
lately i've been trying to sleep at night, but instead i find myself alone in the dark and for some reason my thoughts turn to you.
tonight i nearly started to cry because i was laying still, gently touching myself, and i'm not sure where it came from but i suddenly thought of Miss World and of another Neverending White Lights song- I think because I was looking at my stereo and remembering how the last time i was doing that with music playing, you were here.
and suddenly out of nowhere an explosion in my chest and shattered ribs and shields and walls, but only minor, and when i breathed i heard the scrape of glass. for a few minutes i lay with my eyes open trying to understand why it happened, why here, why now, how long?
and i just breathed and on the inhale i heard my voice: ....i miss you so much.
but it faded.
and i thought of dominik,
and realized that i did not have to ache for you now.
i remember telling dominik at the beginning of the school year (or well, after gustav) how sometimes i would see sunrise and it reminded me of you. and i told him how much it would hurt for a few hours,
so every morning when he texted me he'd say "does it hurt today, epi?"
sometimes, it does hurt. it'll sneak up and jab my chest but then it'll disappear. it doesn't happen often anymore, luckily, but it does happen.
i think i am getting past things, or whatever the case may be- i can talk about you now without hurting. in fact i have been able to for a while. it doesn't hurt to say things about you now or anything.
i dunno.
i guess ij ust wanted to tell you i'm okay. i miss you sometimes, but other than that, i'm fine.