(no subject)
Well it's been awhile, and nothing has changed all that much.I'm just sitting here in the glow of my monitor and headphones listening to french pop rock of all things. But i can't seem to stop listening to it, it's very happy accept for a few songs. *Shrugs* i like it.
Unfortunately things have not gotten much better, they tend seem like they are then kick me back to reality which makes it that much worse. I can't really catch a break, and part of me doesn't want to. After being so far gone for months this doesn't seem so bad. Its the lesser of two evils, one that is with constant frustration and annoyances with a little anger thrown in for good measure. Better then hopelessness, despair, hate and depression, well at least i'd like to think so.
I'm jaded, that's what it boils down to, i've lost my faith and hope that things do happen for a reason. I almost feel bad that i don't believe in it anymore. I'm just tired of most things. Even things that i haven't really done.
I'm actually going to be home alone for awhile, which should be good, i honestly dont think i could go on a trip with my sister and mom, and family i dont even know, they would drive me crazy. I've come to believe that family isn't blood i have alot of blood relatives most i hate and the others i just dont know well enough to have an opinion of. But i do have family...
I've realized some terrible things the past little while, things that wont change easily.
I haven't been sleeping very well or at all the past week. Staying up till 5am may seem cool while your with friends talking or pulling an all nighter but as great as that is, it's that much worse when your by yourself trying to shut your brain off long enough to get some rest. And when i do, i have the strangest dreams, that leave me drained even after hours of sleep. Its ridiculous.
I've been thinking of her every now and then for some reason. Not anything serious just the sad realization that we aren't best or even good friends anymore. Even with the last intro as such, it just feels like an empty gesture, i think getting blown off as many times as i have has really taken it's tole. Hmmm...
I really want to lash out, it's funny how that works because it's the opposite of my personality which i probably why i haven't. It's hard to change who you are, i know i've tried countless times. I can't help bu think if some of the things hadn't happened what i'd be like. Better or worse, maybe that's why i like eternal sunshine so much, the thought of forgetting and starting over.