OK LISTEN

[petrichor_fizz]

I AM RIDICULOUSLY ILL. IT IS EITHER QUARTER TO THREE OR QUARTER TO FOUR IN THE MORNING, DEPENDING ON WHETHER OR NOT YOU CHANGED YOUR CLOCK YET. I HAVE LOST SO MUCH WEIGHT THAT MY FRIEND WITH THE DYING MOTHER IS WORRIED ABOUT ME. I HATE MY FLATMATES. THEY JUST CAME IN VERY LOUDLY AND ONE OF THEM KNOCKED ON MY DOOR AND SHOUTED "HELLO, NICE TO SEE YOU

Comments

[apiphile]

STOP LOSING WEIGHT IMMEDIATELY OR I'LL COME UP THERE AND FORCE-FEED YOU CAKE, YOU SEE IF I DON'T. >:(

[petrichor_fizz]

THIS DOES NOT SOUND LIKE AN INCENTIVE TO STOP. BUT I WILL TRY. FOR ONE THING I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO SHOP FOR BELTS.

[apiphile]

Eat more, exercise less, and eat more goddamn protein. And/or go see a doctor and demand to know what the hell is going on (I can't really lean on you over that as it would be hypocritical - am allergic to the medical profession)

Belt-shopping SUCKS.

[petrichor_fizz]

I'm planning to see a doctor some time during the next week. Apart from anything else, I think I have a chest infection. However, you are right not to trust them; they're all Satanists. That's why they write ambulance backwards.

[apiphile]

IME they're all either incompetent or child-molesters. WHEE OVERSHARE. But good plan, as nothing should be interfering with your alcohol intake!

[petrichor_fizz]

That's... been my experience, yes. I have a lovely dentist, though, and nurses tend to be very good. It's just GPs, I think.

[apiphile]

Mm, all my dentists have been ace (current one is boyfriend's dad so also FREE thank god), the nurses ... slightly scary. But yes ... I wonder what it is with GPs? Maybe they're just bitter that they didn't get to specialise.

[petrichor_fizz]

Maybe they were unbalanced to begin with, which is what drew them to the profession.

I've had a truly evil dentist before. He got murdered.

Not by me. Swear to God.

[apiphile]

I imagine you'd have to be unbalanced to spend that long learning about medicine.

... well I did think you'd be smart enough to hire someone else to do it for you.

[petrichor_fizz]

Well, exactly. I wasn't born yesterday, you know! I called up a little man from the village, terribly sweet - let me know if you ever need anybody whacked, and I'll give you his number.

He also does gardens.

[apiphile]

Oh la, he sounds an absolute dream. I shall set him on the authors of the fashion articles I've just been reading. Will he charge extra for "please burn a comma into their FACES"?

[petrichor_fizz]

Oh, I shouldn't think so, really. Just mention my name and offer him lots of tea.

Why are you reading fashion articles? Is it your job or something?

[apiphile]

Something tells me that will work with more than just the assassin-gardener.

No, my friends asked me to do another one of my Big Bad Fashion Rants as they find them funny. Good to know that my apoplectic hypertension has its uses