crazyness
Have you ever felt like something bad happens to everything you touch or surrounds you? I can't stop feeling like that. It seems like bad streak of luck one after another. When we all went to the beach and Kathleen's car broke down, I seriously felt if I had not gone that night it would not have happened. I feel like bad things happen to people that know me, like maybe if I wasn't in their life, they wouldn't have misfortunes. I sat up a few nights and all i could think was "does candie really exist, is she really a friend of mine, or a figment of my imagination?" i sit there and think about these things all nigth long. Like sometimes, i think what if a robber or something came into my house and visualize him coming into my room and attacking me. or i think about what would happen if i murdered someone, like would anyone find out. or if i went into the bathroom and started cutting myself would i feel guilty afterwards. i really think i should see a doctor about all of this, i dont go to bed until like 3 in the fucking morning anymore. I sometimes wonder if people think different things in their head about me then i think, like if i say something or do something if they have a conversation about it in their head, like those t.v. shows. are people that i think are my friends really my friends, i sometimes wish i had the power to like see what would happen if i tried to kill myself, like who would try to visit me or whatever, this is so rediculous, i cant believe i am still thinking about this. i guess i dont talk to a doctor because i dont fucking want to get on more meds. when i think about what people think about me in their heads, i start to wonder what my teachers think. i think about grades, and i REALLY start to wonder if i am really doing as well as i think i am. maybe i'll go ask all of them what gade im getting or something, i dont know. i sometimes think i'm SO overwhelmed with classes, and like that i cant do it, but i sometimes think, shit i'm only taking 4 classes, on of them being tutoring, i must be stupid if that's really hard for me. ian isn't talking to me on-line or calling, i think he might have gotten the hint when i said no to him when he asked me to go out with him and 2 of his friends, it sounded like a date thing, so i didnt want to go, plus i really dont want to hang out with him. i feel so exhausted when i'm around him, its like i have to be a complete bitch to him for him to think we're not togehter. like i talked to him last week just trying to be friendly and he like started talking like we were cool friends or something, i dont know sometimems i think i might give him the wrong impression. i asked him for a hug on thursday when i saw him because i was so completly freaked out stressed and i think he thought that like that ment i wanted to be with him or something. i dont think he can get the concept of just being nice at school and thats it. he wants me to help him with his english by typing with him because he's behind, but i don't know if i should. j and i havent talked in a little while, i called him the other day because i wanted to try my new phone and he said he hadn't gotten a day off practically since i saw him which is about three weeks, i feel bad for him, but he CAN quit he's the one that's being particular about when he will allow himself to do so. he asked if he could call me back and not thinking about how i couldn't recieve incoming calls yet, i said sure, and of course didnt hear back from him that day. he text me like 2 or 3 days later though, and said "text me" i wrote out this cute little message and OF COURSE i couldn't send it. i re-wrote one and it finally went through today. i hope i hear from him soon, i miss him alot. i sometimes wish he could tell me EXACTLY how he feels about me and when he thinks about me, or if he ever does. it's weird, i miss chris too, his phone got turned of because he ran out of minutes, i hate how he is so in and out of my life, it majorly toys with me. i wonder if he's still in school. i sometimes feel bad that i can so accept not hearing from j for weeks but not chris. it's like with chris, a random start up of talking to eachother is cool, but i get upset when it stops. with j, i dont. i think it's becasue j doesnt for the fact that he has a job, and chris is because he's homeless and going to school. yes, going to school is positive, but homeless, he's basically choosing to do so from the things i've heard from his sister, and just from the conclusion that he refuses to use the services availble to the homeless. anyway i am fucked up in the head, i cant stop thinking. i am reading a good book thats funny and reminds me of both my sister and myself called ''how to meet cute boys''. it seems that this is the only time i can escape my thoughts, it makes me want to stay in my room all day every day and do nothing but read. i am headachy, tired but cant sleep, and hot, im going to go back to reading so i can have some peace from these whizing thoughts.