square one (part 3 of 3)
It’s the evening of 18 September now. Exactly one week ago, right at this very moment, we were sitting at that table at my void deck.
Recently, life has been divided into before and after you left me. When I boarded the bus to go to work, I’d think “the last time I went to office I was still attached”. When I scrolled through my phone gallery, selected a picture and glanced at the date, “oh, when I took this picture I was still in a relationship.” When I logged into WoW, “I was still with him when I last played.” When I went to the gym, “oh I was attached when I last walked through these doors.”
Things like that.
I’d see dogs at the Gardens and community cats, and then fleetingly think about you. I’d look at that water bottle that you gave me, I’d be watching Netflix on my phone and glance at that trapped bubble on my screen protector and then think of you. Look at those things that you bought for me/bought with you, but I don’t have the heart to trash them. Read news about Shopee/Sea/Ukraine war and think of you. Scroll past cute animal videos on Reddit and then go, oh, can’t send him this clip anymore. Walk past your favourite bubble tea shop in the mall, see a cyclist on the road, pass by places that we went on dates together, then I’d end up thinking about you, just a sudden flash in the bubbling depths of my memory, despite my best efforts. When my phone chimes during dinner, it's not gonna be you anymore. Even if it’s a Telegram notification, it’s bound to be those China scam texts.
Think of the things that I wanted to say to you face-to-face, think of all of the things that we never did manage to do together.
Even now, when I pass by the table at my void deck where you dumped me, my steps slow down, just for a second, because I remember everything, crystal-clear.
Sleep quality fluctuates for me - I’m grateful for the nights when I get the blissful peace of a full six hours, while other nights, I rub my eyes in weariness and sigh, a long, deep sound brimming with a reservoir of feeling, when I’m still awake at 4 in the morning with calming BTS music playing on my Spotify while I desperately chase after sleep. And there are so many erratic dreams mired in insecurity and confusion and distress, even in those short time-frames when I doze off from 10pm to 12 midnight.
I’m running into the safety of nothing, both in reality and dreams.
This week has been eventful, though.
I had my training course on Thursday morning. Tried to put on a stiff upper lip, went through the motions but I wasn’t feeling it. My colleagues saw right through me and pointed this out during lunch.
“Hey, you haven’t said a single word this morning. You OK or not?”
“Ya! You come in the door and the way you said hi is obvious already. You never crack your usual “that’s what s/he said” jokes, not your usual self, like so tired like that. What happened?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong, mingli? Must be something bad right, d’you wanna talk about it?”
So, I told them about it. I had to, because they’d tease me good-naturedly about my relationship when I was attached, so they had to know. And then came all the:
“Oh my god”, “Oh nooo…” “?!?!?! Huh why so sudden?” “Do you wanna talk about it? I’m sure you’ll feel better, but it’s OK if it’s too early” “OK THIS CALLS FOR ICE-CREAM WE GOT ICE-CREAM I GO PANTRY TAKE FOR YOU OK NA YOU CAN TAKE THE WHOLE TUB DON’T SAD”
They listened, and they chipped in with their own relationship stories (they’re all married/in committed relationships) and they really, genuinely tried to make me laugh, especially when we were talking about their first attraction to their spouses:
“Omg guys please don’t judge but I was first attracted to him because he… HE WASHED TEST TUBES DAMN FAST HAHAHA”
I laughed until my stomach hurt.
J and L hugged me and offered to accompany me while I drowned my sorrows in alcohol. “Can one, I know all the drinking spots ‘cause when I broke up with my ex, I was drunk for like, six months. JUST DRINK, I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU, JUST SAY WHEN”
I’m going out with my colleagues next Wednesday.
After everything, two married colleagues took me aside separately and spoke to me, trying to give me a different perspective of things:
H: Actually, I know this might be a callous thing for me to say right now because you’re still hurt, but I really think it’s good that you found out that he’s like that now. Because (sigh) my… husband is like that also. Unhappy will just tahan, build up and build up until cannot take it, then I have to keep asking if he okay or not, what’s wrong. It’s very, very tiring. Very difficult in the long run. This type of red flag by right should notice before marriage la, but maybe I wilfully ignored it, so end up like this lor. So that’s why, maybe you don’t see it like this now, but I think you dodged a major bullet.
N: Last time I used to be like your ex, I think. Whenever T (her husband) does things that I don’t like, I won’t say, can’t say because just… couldn’t say out loud to him, then keep inside and then quietly feel resentment towards him. Until one day, he asked me what was wrong - he’s patient, very patient - and suggested to go for a walk. The route was 1.5 hours, and he had to wait for me for around 30 minutes until I finally, finally opened up and said what was bothering me. Things are much better now, of course, this happened when we were still just dating, but just wanna tell you this because maybe that’s what your ex is going through. Of course, it’s a shame that he didn’t wanna try and leave things open for discussion, but how things ended up is absolutely, absolutely no way your fault.
Two others texted me encouraging messages that evening.
I have good colleagues, but even better friends.
YJ called me from America too, despite the time difference, and how frazzled she is with sorting out her new house and packing for her cruise trip to Canada literally 24 hours afterwards, and despite the fact that we haven’t really spoken to each other properly since she left Singapore.
I met L and C on Saturday. We were originally supposed to meet at Supply & Demand, one of L’s favourite pasta places.
That’s the place where we had our first date, and also the place where we had our last “normal” date.
I told them that, and despite L’s craving, we decided to change restaurant, because if they sat us at the table where we last sat at, I think I would’ve just lost it.
L and I have one trait in common - sometimes our tongues can be a bit sharp, and we can be a bit curt while talking to others, even people that we care about. Her husband is 37 and has a never-ending supply of patience, and she shared with me that there was a period of time when things weren’t going too well:
“Ya, I know how I talk sometimes la, but he’s patient enough, and when something is wrong and when I’ve said something that I shouldn’t have, he’ll just highlight it there and then. He’ll say things like ‘Do you hear what you’re saying? Is it actually necessary to say this? Do you know how this makes me feel?’ Then I go home and reflect on it, and realise that yeah, he has a point. Then slowly adjust lor.”
After lunch with them, C followed me to the temple at Bugis. That did give me some comfort, at least.
I went over to B’s house today, to meet with B and A. Today’s weather was especially shitty - the entire country was literally engulfed in an unrelenting thunderstorm that lasted from 7am to around 2pm.
How suitable - the weather perfectly matched my mood.
They bought cookies to cheer me up, “All chocolate, okay, got chocolate chip, got double triple chocolate, all the chocolate, ‘cause we know you love chocolate.” They did what friends do best in times of need - simply listened and contributed their own experiences and their points of view.
These people - parents and friends - are my support system; people who have been there for me since the beginning, and I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything else in the world.
**
Things that I’ve done, over the last six days, to make things better:
One step at a time, just like how I do my 5km runs.
One day at a time, just like how I’m functioning now.
I don’t know how much time I’ll need, but…
Wish me luck.
**
Well, I’m in higher spirits tonight (22 September), mostly because of four reasons - I went out drinking with my colleagues last night, had a super nice lunch with S (another colleague that couldn’t join us last night), conducted my first face-to-face interactive talk for preschools, and I’ve got Kokomo playing on my Spotify.
We almost had full attendance last night, but S (who wasn’t feeling well) and HM (who was on childcare duty) couldn’t join us, so it was just the five of us for dinner and drinks last night. T came along, so we went to a halal place at Kampong Glam. The mood was lively (as usual), the food well done and amusing conversations were had. After dinner, we found ourselves at Haji Lane. We threaded through the dozens of tables that were spilling out into the road - passing by raucous groups emboldened by their beer towers and nicotine (and maybe other… substances), couples cosying up to each other with good food and wine, the air thudding with the rhythmic bass from the neon-lit bars.
We decided on this bar which had a good selection of beer (because I’m super basic bitch when it comes to alcohol) and continued the night there. N said, “omg guys it’s been so long, like maybe before Covid, that we’ve done anything like this.”
First time in a proper casual setting with them (that wasn’t lunchtime)! <3 And all because J and L wanted to comfort me after my break-up :’)
“Yeah, it’s actually my first time out with you guys after hours, too,” I pointed out. “Thanks, guys, for coming out tonight even though I know y’all are busy, plus it’s a Wednesday night and most of us have work tomorrow. The last time I came to Kampong Glam was with him, so at least now I get to rewrite my memories of this area.”
“EH!” J piped up. “EH WHY YOU MENTION HIM? DON’T NEED MENTION HIM COS YOU WITH US NOW”
I laughed and nodded.
And that’s when we saw the naan.
Oh my god, the naan.
It was soft, fluffy and it was a gargantuan, majestic work of art. Like I’ve literally never seen such a humongous naan before - the server carried it on a tray that he hoisted on his shoulder, like Chinese wedding banquet style. It was perfectly curved like some… sea-shell and so huge that when I saw it (with my shitty eyesight) from afar, I thought it was some giant clam shell carrying a smorgasbord of seafood.
L (with her eyes like O_O): I want it
N: YA LET’S TRY! SUPPER LET’S GO
So, we ordered this huge pillow of a naan at like, 10pm, along with a bowl of butter chicken as a dip, and it arrived and we were all :OOOOOOOO because it was so… unbelievably huge and actually quite well-toasted and tasty. It was really good, and it was so substantial that we could only finish like, two-thirds of it.
N asked me about my birthday plans next month.
“Oh,” I said, shrugging. “Have dinner with my parents, hang out with friends if they ask me out. Just like every year, super chill.” I let out a small sigh, despite myself. “I thought this year I could spend it with a boyfriend but OH WELL”
“Eh mingli,” T said, tearing off a chunk of naan and holding it up. “Do you think your ex is out now, having fun in a place like this, with good drinks and eating this huge ass naan with his friends?”
I mopped up some curry with my naan and smiled to myself.
“No, right?” he continued, popping the food into his mouth. “Then you’re better off than him, already.”
I reached home close to midnight, feeling lighter and better than I’ve been in weeks.
Today was a busy day, too. S and I were due to visit a preschool at Mount Faber to conduct an interactive talk. It’s my first time conducting, so that was achievement unlocked for me, haha. She brought me to prive at Keppel Bay (“Got nice view there, mingli, with a lot of boats and it’s super chill!), and we had a peaceful, long lunch there. Afterwards, we strolled around the area to soak in the picturesque scenery and enjoy the refreshing winds.
The last time I visited this area was with you, on your birthday, when you gave me flowers and we sat for a long time on that bench, talking and kissing late into the night, just enjoying each other’s company.
Another memory rewritten today.
One by one, my colleagues took me aside (for example, when I was out for lunch with T alone, or when I was with N on the train home) to privately ask me if I was okay.
JX texted me this morning, HOW ARE YOU HOW ARE YOUUUU <3 <3 <3
Sometimes, some days, I can feel really, really alone, as if I were marooned on an emotional island, with nothing but my phone, my own thoughts and my angst for company.
But the past 11 days have proven otherwise.
**
Today is 24 September, Saturday.
You left me two weeks ago.
Things are quieter, lonelier, less spontaneous; like I’m suddenly missing something that I had already gotten used to.
Emptier.
It’s more apparent during the weekends, as we used to hang out more then. Do you remember that weekend (Saturday, I think), when we spent twelve hours together - Botanic Gardens early in the morning, and then town for the rest of the day? I told my friends about it, and they went, wow you must really like this guy, twelve hours in a place that isn’t your bed?
We haven’t visited the Tanglin zone of the Gardens together; I’d thought that there would always be another chance.
Guess not.
You’re still the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep.
That’s what I told you when I first started developing feelings for you, but of course, now when I say this, there’s nothing happy or lovely about it.
Now, it’s more like, “Oh, I’m awake. Did I dream my previous relationship? Did things really just end like that?” and “Okay, time to sleep, please let me get the peace of a full night’s sleep tonight and no more over-thinking things. Stop thinking, just sleep.”
Some days are worse than others, but as long as the general trend of my mood and thoughts plods upwards, I think it’s progress.
I’ll be okay.
I have to be.
Before you, the pessimist in me always thought that, meeting is the beginning of parting. Everyone changes, everyone leaves.
I had hoped that you would be the one to prove me wrong.
This is one of the last things that I said to you face-to-face, and I’m gonna say it again.
A part of me still wishes we lasted, Zhibin.
Even now, in my heart of bittersweet, hurting hearts, I really do.
**
/end
Recently, life has been divided into before and after you left me. When I boarded the bus to go to work, I’d think “the last time I went to office I was still attached”. When I scrolled through my phone gallery, selected a picture and glanced at the date, “oh, when I took this picture I was still in a relationship.” When I logged into WoW, “I was still with him when I last played.” When I went to the gym, “oh I was attached when I last walked through these doors.”
Things like that.
I’d see dogs at the Gardens and community cats, and then fleetingly think about you. I’d look at that water bottle that you gave me, I’d be watching Netflix on my phone and glance at that trapped bubble on my screen protector and then think of you. Look at those things that you bought for me/bought with you, but I don’t have the heart to trash them. Read news about Shopee/Sea/Ukraine war and think of you. Scroll past cute animal videos on Reddit and then go, oh, can’t send him this clip anymore. Walk past your favourite bubble tea shop in the mall, see a cyclist on the road, pass by places that we went on dates together, then I’d end up thinking about you, just a sudden flash in the bubbling depths of my memory, despite my best efforts. When my phone chimes during dinner, it's not gonna be you anymore. Even if it’s a Telegram notification, it’s bound to be those China scam texts.
Think of the things that I wanted to say to you face-to-face, think of all of the things that we never did manage to do together.
Even now, when I pass by the table at my void deck where you dumped me, my steps slow down, just for a second, because I remember everything, crystal-clear.
Sleep quality fluctuates for me - I’m grateful for the nights when I get the blissful peace of a full six hours, while other nights, I rub my eyes in weariness and sigh, a long, deep sound brimming with a reservoir of feeling, when I’m still awake at 4 in the morning with calming BTS music playing on my Spotify while I desperately chase after sleep. And there are so many erratic dreams mired in insecurity and confusion and distress, even in those short time-frames when I doze off from 10pm to 12 midnight.
I’m running into the safety of nothing, both in reality and dreams.
This week has been eventful, though.
I had my training course on Thursday morning. Tried to put on a stiff upper lip, went through the motions but I wasn’t feeling it. My colleagues saw right through me and pointed this out during lunch.
“Hey, you haven’t said a single word this morning. You OK or not?”
“Ya! You come in the door and the way you said hi is obvious already. You never crack your usual “that’s what s/he said” jokes, not your usual self, like so tired like that. What happened?”
“Yeah, what’s wrong, mingli? Must be something bad right, d’you wanna talk about it?”
So, I told them about it. I had to, because they’d tease me good-naturedly about my relationship when I was attached, so they had to know. And then came all the:
“Oh my god”, “Oh nooo…” “?!?!?! Huh why so sudden?” “Do you wanna talk about it? I’m sure you’ll feel better, but it’s OK if it’s too early” “OK THIS CALLS FOR ICE-CREAM WE GOT ICE-CREAM I GO PANTRY TAKE FOR YOU OK NA YOU CAN TAKE THE WHOLE TUB DON’T SAD”
They listened, and they chipped in with their own relationship stories (they’re all married/in committed relationships) and they really, genuinely tried to make me laugh, especially when we were talking about their first attraction to their spouses:
“Omg guys please don’t judge but I was first attracted to him because he… HE WASHED TEST TUBES DAMN FAST HAHAHA”
I laughed until my stomach hurt.
J and L hugged me and offered to accompany me while I drowned my sorrows in alcohol. “Can one, I know all the drinking spots ‘cause when I broke up with my ex, I was drunk for like, six months. JUST DRINK, I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU, JUST SAY WHEN”
I’m going out with my colleagues next Wednesday.
After everything, two married colleagues took me aside separately and spoke to me, trying to give me a different perspective of things:
H: Actually, I know this might be a callous thing for me to say right now because you’re still hurt, but I really think it’s good that you found out that he’s like that now. Because (sigh) my… husband is like that also. Unhappy will just tahan, build up and build up until cannot take it, then I have to keep asking if he okay or not, what’s wrong. It’s very, very tiring. Very difficult in the long run. This type of red flag by right should notice before marriage la, but maybe I wilfully ignored it, so end up like this lor. So that’s why, maybe you don’t see it like this now, but I think you dodged a major bullet.
N: Last time I used to be like your ex, I think. Whenever T (her husband) does things that I don’t like, I won’t say, can’t say because just… couldn’t say out loud to him, then keep inside and then quietly feel resentment towards him. Until one day, he asked me what was wrong - he’s patient, very patient - and suggested to go for a walk. The route was 1.5 hours, and he had to wait for me for around 30 minutes until I finally, finally opened up and said what was bothering me. Things are much better now, of course, this happened when we were still just dating, but just wanna tell you this because maybe that’s what your ex is going through. Of course, it’s a shame that he didn’t wanna try and leave things open for discussion, but how things ended up is absolutely, absolutely no way your fault.
Two others texted me encouraging messages that evening.
I have good colleagues, but even better friends.
YJ called me from America too, despite the time difference, and how frazzled she is with sorting out her new house and packing for her cruise trip to Canada literally 24 hours afterwards, and despite the fact that we haven’t really spoken to each other properly since she left Singapore.
I met L and C on Saturday. We were originally supposed to meet at Supply & Demand, one of L’s favourite pasta places.
That’s the place where we had our first date, and also the place where we had our last “normal” date.
I told them that, and despite L’s craving, we decided to change restaurant, because if they sat us at the table where we last sat at, I think I would’ve just lost it.
L and I have one trait in common - sometimes our tongues can be a bit sharp, and we can be a bit curt while talking to others, even people that we care about. Her husband is 37 and has a never-ending supply of patience, and she shared with me that there was a period of time when things weren’t going too well:
“Ya, I know how I talk sometimes la, but he’s patient enough, and when something is wrong and when I’ve said something that I shouldn’t have, he’ll just highlight it there and then. He’ll say things like ‘Do you hear what you’re saying? Is it actually necessary to say this? Do you know how this makes me feel?’ Then I go home and reflect on it, and realise that yeah, he has a point. Then slowly adjust lor.”
After lunch with them, C followed me to the temple at Bugis. That did give me some comfort, at least.
I went over to B’s house today, to meet with B and A. Today’s weather was especially shitty - the entire country was literally engulfed in an unrelenting thunderstorm that lasted from 7am to around 2pm.
How suitable - the weather perfectly matched my mood.
They bought cookies to cheer me up, “All chocolate, okay, got chocolate chip, got double triple chocolate, all the chocolate, ‘cause we know you love chocolate.” They did what friends do best in times of need - simply listened and contributed their own experiences and their points of view.
These people - parents and friends - are my support system; people who have been there for me since the beginning, and I wouldn’t trade any of them for anything else in the world.
**
Things that I’ve done, over the last six days, to make things better:
- Texted you what I was thinking and feeling, and got a rough answer from you
- Brain has started processing, and heart is accepting the state of things
- Confide in friends. I haven’t told Darren though, but I guess I will, when I join them for drinks someday.
- Write about it, this… cathartic ~11,000-word emotional sojourn that sadly joins my other blog posts detailing the smoking ruins of my tattered love life
- Watch BTS & Ozzyman videos and other happy videos that make me laugh
- Exercise, because if the body is tired, sleep will hopefully arrive sooner than later
- Listen to happy music, especially BTS. I pretty much surround myself with music as much as I can now, because it helps me to keep my mind off things, especially when my thoughts start to careen into unwanted territory
- Work. It’s becoming a bit more overwhelming lately, and I wish I had someone to rant to, but hey mingli, you’re fucking single now so suck it up and deal with it just like how you’ve been doing it the past eight years!
One step at a time, just like how I do my 5km runs.
One day at a time, just like how I’m functioning now.
I don’t know how much time I’ll need, but…
Wish me luck.
**
Well, I’m in higher spirits tonight (22 September), mostly because of four reasons - I went out drinking with my colleagues last night, had a super nice lunch with S (another colleague that couldn’t join us last night), conducted my first face-to-face interactive talk for preschools, and I’ve got Kokomo playing on my Spotify.
We almost had full attendance last night, but S (who wasn’t feeling well) and HM (who was on childcare duty) couldn’t join us, so it was just the five of us for dinner and drinks last night. T came along, so we went to a halal place at Kampong Glam. The mood was lively (as usual), the food well done and amusing conversations were had. After dinner, we found ourselves at Haji Lane. We threaded through the dozens of tables that were spilling out into the road - passing by raucous groups emboldened by their beer towers and nicotine (and maybe other… substances), couples cosying up to each other with good food and wine, the air thudding with the rhythmic bass from the neon-lit bars.
We decided on this bar which had a good selection of beer (because I’m super basic bitch when it comes to alcohol) and continued the night there. N said, “omg guys it’s been so long, like maybe before Covid, that we’ve done anything like this.”
First time in a proper casual setting with them (that wasn’t lunchtime)! <3 And all because J and L wanted to comfort me after my break-up :’)
“Yeah, it’s actually my first time out with you guys after hours, too,” I pointed out. “Thanks, guys, for coming out tonight even though I know y’all are busy, plus it’s a Wednesday night and most of us have work tomorrow. The last time I came to Kampong Glam was with him, so at least now I get to rewrite my memories of this area.”
“EH!” J piped up. “EH WHY YOU MENTION HIM? DON’T NEED MENTION HIM COS YOU WITH US NOW”
I laughed and nodded.
And that’s when we saw the naan.
Oh my god, the naan.
It was soft, fluffy and it was a gargantuan, majestic work of art. Like I’ve literally never seen such a humongous naan before - the server carried it on a tray that he hoisted on his shoulder, like Chinese wedding banquet style. It was perfectly curved like some… sea-shell and so huge that when I saw it (with my shitty eyesight) from afar, I thought it was some giant clam shell carrying a smorgasbord of seafood.
L (with her eyes like O_O): I want it
N: YA LET’S TRY! SUPPER LET’S GO
So, we ordered this huge pillow of a naan at like, 10pm, along with a bowl of butter chicken as a dip, and it arrived and we were all :OOOOOOOO because it was so… unbelievably huge and actually quite well-toasted and tasty. It was really good, and it was so substantial that we could only finish like, two-thirds of it.
N asked me about my birthday plans next month.
“Oh,” I said, shrugging. “Have dinner with my parents, hang out with friends if they ask me out. Just like every year, super chill.” I let out a small sigh, despite myself. “I thought this year I could spend it with a boyfriend but OH WELL”
“Eh mingli,” T said, tearing off a chunk of naan and holding it up. “Do you think your ex is out now, having fun in a place like this, with good drinks and eating this huge ass naan with his friends?”
I mopped up some curry with my naan and smiled to myself.
“No, right?” he continued, popping the food into his mouth. “Then you’re better off than him, already.”
I reached home close to midnight, feeling lighter and better than I’ve been in weeks.
Today was a busy day, too. S and I were due to visit a preschool at Mount Faber to conduct an interactive talk. It’s my first time conducting, so that was achievement unlocked for me, haha. She brought me to prive at Keppel Bay (“Got nice view there, mingli, with a lot of boats and it’s super chill!), and we had a peaceful, long lunch there. Afterwards, we strolled around the area to soak in the picturesque scenery and enjoy the refreshing winds.
The last time I visited this area was with you, on your birthday, when you gave me flowers and we sat for a long time on that bench, talking and kissing late into the night, just enjoying each other’s company.
Another memory rewritten today.
One by one, my colleagues took me aside (for example, when I was out for lunch with T alone, or when I was with N on the train home) to privately ask me if I was okay.
JX texted me this morning, HOW ARE YOU HOW ARE YOUUUU <3 <3 <3
Sometimes, some days, I can feel really, really alone, as if I were marooned on an emotional island, with nothing but my phone, my own thoughts and my angst for company.
But the past 11 days have proven otherwise.
**
Today is 24 September, Saturday.
You left me two weeks ago.
Things are quieter, lonelier, less spontaneous; like I’m suddenly missing something that I had already gotten used to.
Emptier.
It’s more apparent during the weekends, as we used to hang out more then. Do you remember that weekend (Saturday, I think), when we spent twelve hours together - Botanic Gardens early in the morning, and then town for the rest of the day? I told my friends about it, and they went, wow you must really like this guy, twelve hours in a place that isn’t your bed?
We haven’t visited the Tanglin zone of the Gardens together; I’d thought that there would always be another chance.
Guess not.
You’re still the first thing I think of when I wake up, and the last thing I think of before I fall asleep.
That’s what I told you when I first started developing feelings for you, but of course, now when I say this, there’s nothing happy or lovely about it.
Now, it’s more like, “Oh, I’m awake. Did I dream my previous relationship? Did things really just end like that?” and “Okay, time to sleep, please let me get the peace of a full night’s sleep tonight and no more over-thinking things. Stop thinking, just sleep.”
Some days are worse than others, but as long as the general trend of my mood and thoughts plods upwards, I think it’s progress.
I’ll be okay.
I have to be.
Before you, the pessimist in me always thought that, meeting is the beginning of parting. Everyone changes, everyone leaves.
I had hoped that you would be the one to prove me wrong.
This is one of the last things that I said to you face-to-face, and I’m gonna say it again.
A part of me still wishes we lasted, Zhibin.
Even now, in my heart of bittersweet, hurting hearts, I really do.
**
/end