square one (part 2 of 3)
I woke up on Tuesday morning at 7 after a restless night. Read your reply again and crafted my last text to you after a moment’s consideration.
I get your point about progressing from liking to loving, because this was something I wondered too. Why didn’t I feel more for you? I know the honeymoon period doesn’t last, but it shouldn’t be… like this, right? However, I honestly wasn’t too bothered about this because personally, I’m in no rush to force my feelings to develop for you, it’s something that will naturally deepen with enough time, shared experiences and the more we understand about each other. Recently, you were so busy, so we weren’t able to explore new places and spend more much-needed time together. There were so many things that we haven’t done together that I really wanted to do with you, but I thought we could start on that list once you weren’t so busy.
You didn’t even want to consider picking this thorny conversation up when you were less busy and in a better emotional state for this. You didn’t think of, okay, I just wanna tell you that we have this problem, and we should talk about it, but not now, because I’m so busy with work now. Can we revisit this later?
Or, “okay, I have this thing where it’s difficult for me to articulate my negative feelings. I know it’s a problem and I know it will hurt you, but can we work on it together? I don’t wanna lose you, so I’d really like your support for this.”
No. I didn’t get this chance, or even just a bit of a wriggle room. It was just an immediate breakup.
This was the first relationship where I had a long-term horizon on things, and you made me so happy, oh God, you truly, really did, especially at the beginning. I’ll miss so much about you, I really will, especially the daily texts (we’ve been texting literally every day since January) and seeing your name pop up on my mobile screen. All the Telegram stickers, the places we went, the things we did, the food we ate, your habits and quirks, just… everything…
I wish I was aware of the issues earlier, so that we could actually do something about it. I feel so... powerless, so wronged, so short-changed because everything suddenly ended, with absolutely no possibility for room for improvement. But I can’t change how you feel, I can’t change how you deal with problems in your relationships and your life. If you had been willing, and open enough to have a proper talk with me, I would’ve been patient with you. I would’ve tried to help you to process things and work together with you to make our relationship stronger.
But that’s not the route you took. You jumped straight into a break-up, without taking my emotions and thoughts into account.
Which is bloody ironic, to be honest, because you started out so thoughtful and sincere. I guess all of those positive traits were thrown out of the window when things, including your work, started to get tough.
And so, my mind came to the terms with the break-up and accepted that you will not be an ideal long-term partner because of the way you deal with conflict, the way you keep things simmering and bottled up within yourself without communicating any of it to me. I’m not invalidating your feelings, of course. You have the right to feel upset/sad/annoyed at things that I do, but the way you handled it was by excluding me in all of your thoughts and feelings, which is hardly the correct way to go about things in a long-term relationship.
If I had done things differently, if I showed you more attention, care and concern during this gruelling time in your work, if I had gamed lesser to focus more on what you needed and expressed my affections enough, if I had put in more of an effort during these few weeks, would things have ended up like this? If I didn’t take you for granted, assumed that you would always be there (since we agreed on a long-term view), would you have felt as badly as you did? If I were more thoughtful, more considerate, would you have left me?
If I were more patient that night and replied you with something like, how will taking a break and spending some time apart help things and help you feel better? instead of shutting that idea down immediately, would things have turned out differently?
I sent my regrets up to the heavens where they sold wishes, but it was already too late.
I guess we’ll never know.
You were such an important part of my life in 2022, and now your constant presence has suddenly vanished into thin air. All of the memories, with no chance to make new ones, all of the happiness, now coloured with raindrops of regret and hurt and disbelief, and the potential, the absolute potential of what we could have been.
All gone.
It hit me like a sledgehammer to the head, a few minutes after I replied you for the last time. I won’t see you anymore. I won’t hold your hand again, won’t kiss you again or see your smile or hear that deep, smooth voice of yours, won’t receive any of your scenic cycling pictures, won’t eat ice-cream and waffles with you, go on nature walks with you, won’t get to bring you around the Museum-
You’re gone.
Just like that.
My brain had processed things and accepted that there was no chance for reconciliation, and now it’s my heart that’s taking over, feeling all of these things, feeling everything that I had kept at bay for the past day. This slow, pressing despair and hopelessness and longing and sadness and regret and confusion began circulating in my body, like a drug, this... potent cocktail of emotion, so thick and poignant that I could almost taste it-
So, I cried.
We were never in love. But if things had turned out differently, if we had done things differently, would we have almost known what love was?
I curled up into a ball in bed, hugged my bolster and pillows and cried and cried and cried until I crawled out of bed for breakfast. My parents saw my puffy eyes and red nose and offered sympathy, which I was grateful for. I didn’t have much of an appetite for breakfast; actually, I’m still not eating much, even now.
I cried while I texted my friends that same morning, and we made immediate plans to meet. I’m seeing C & L on Saturday; B & A on Sunday.
I had a Zoom talk to conduct at ten that morning for a preschool, and when HM asked, ten minutes before the talk was due to start, “Are you okay? You sound very tired.” And then I just snapped. Like a thread, already frayed at the ends and given up its last breath, snapping beyond repair.
“I broke up. Sunday. I’m single again.” I couldn’t even get the entire sentence out before I was gulping air and sniffling again, trying to swallow this ball of emotion and keep my emotions in check as I had to work.
“Oh my god mingli I’m so sorry. Oh my god, do you want me to teach the class instead?”
“No, no, it’s okay, just… just let me settle down and drink some water.”
Later, after the class, she told me that “oh no, I’m so sorry about this. You’ve been visibly happier for the past few months, so I’m just so sorry.” And then she gave me some big-sister advice which I really appreciate.
At least I was working from home on Tuesday, so I could be on the verge of tears the entire day. I cried a bit while answering work emails and drafting confirmation letters, this perpetual film of tears glossing over my eyes, and then cried more in the shower with music muffling my sobs, but not a lot, really, just a bit, because if I really started crying properly it felt like I couldn’t stop.
Tears turned into time, and I lay in bed late Tuesday night, awake and miserable and hurting while listening to sad BTS break-up music until 4am, allowing myself to wallow, to grieve, to grant my heart the space and time to make sense of this… unexpected loss and torrent of self-doubt washing over me.
I tried to catch the stars falling out of my heart, but I couldn’t.
It’s not my fault that I cannot be what you need, at this point in your life.
I scrolled a bit through our previous texts, and one caught my eye. I had sent this, “what if one day lzb suddenly leave me how?” accompanied with a ton of sad adorable crying cat stickers.
I was just kidding, of course, because I thought I knew you.
But I can’t believe that this actually fucking happened.
I wondered if sleep was evading you too, if you were hurting as badly as I was. Even now, I’ll think of you randomly throughout the day, wondering what you’re doing at this moment, how you’re feeling. On Monday, my colleague texted something in the group chat that I wanted to tell you about via text, but then I caught myself and thought, no, I can’t do things like that anymore.
Because you’re not mine anymore.
I miss you.
**
I’m typing this on Wednesday night, three days after you left. I was on leave today, and I woke up at 6.30am as my mum was leaving the house to go to the airport for her overseas work trip. My sense of loss was magnified when I waved goodbye to her, and I ran back to bed to start a fresh bout of crying.
With sad music as an accompaniment, my mind blank and my heart working in overtime, I moped in bed like a funeral on legs until 8+ before dragging myself out of bed. Forced down half a mooncake, read the news, and headed to the gym. I decided not to run, as I was running low on sleep and food, so I brisk-walked on the treadmill for an hour before doing a shorter routine on the weight machines.
I hope the exercise will help me to sleep tonight.
After a shower and lunch, I opened Microsoft Word to allow myself to bleed each and every glistening emotion on this page; my life-long habit after every emotional turmoil in my life. I’ve been sitting in this chair from 2.30pm, and it’s 9pm now. I’ve done nothing but listen to music while writing and gulping down a few mouthfuls of dinner.
In ten minutes, I’ll be going to Ian’s for drinks (“Yeah, just come over la, I’ve put your beer in the fridge”). He’ll listen to whatever I have to vent about, and follow up with his usual sage advice and own experiences in love. I’ll stumble home later tonight and try to get a decent night’s sleep.
I hope that, after the beer and unloading all of this onto this page, that I can finally sleep better, because it’s such a shitty feeling staying awake until the late/early hours, tossing and turning, recalling happier times and imagining what could have been.
And I’ll wake up early tomorrow morning as I have a staff workshop in office, and try not to think about how much I want to tell you about what we’re gonna do during the workshop.
No, no, I can’t do things like that anymore.
I’ll take things slowly, day-by-day, short-term, because currently, this is the only way that I can survive. Decide on two to three small goals per day, be it for work or personal, and then work on them. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, and keeping busy and productive is the best way to get over this.
This, too, shall pass, and tomorrow will be a better day.
Funny how I don’t feel like gaming anymore after you left me.
**
The thought of returning to dating apps, of going through the rigmarole of the endless swiping vortex, thinking of witty pick-up lines, listening to the same lines, the shallow introductions “I work in nature and like going on nature walks! Do you want to hear some FUN ANIMAL FACTS”, answering the same get-to-know-you questions, spending the time and effort to meet different guys, the texts and dates that will eventually end up going nowhere, the inevitable ghosting…
Just thinking of starting that cycle all over again, it’s so disheartening, so daunting, so disappointing.
I first started using dating apps in October 2021 - almost a year ago. I met up with a total of four guys - I felt enough for two of them (Guy #2 and you) to write a blog post about them. I “got over” (I use “ “ because I didn’t feel enough for Guy #2 to have to properly get over him) Guy #2 on 13 Jan 2022.
I matched with you on 18 January, got to know you better before becoming official in April, with things ending in September.
My heart is exhausted, my emotions are all wrung-out and it’s just so… draining.
I’ve been single for the past eight years. It got lonely at times, yes, but my emotional state was peaceful. Quiet. Calm, content. Unruffled, unfazed.
And most importantly, safe.
So, so safe.
But now, I’m periodically irritated by storms of fury, bitterness, disappointment, frustration and exasperation - as potent, sudden and dangerous as a raptor’s venomous glare.
At the beginning, you liked me a lot what, right? Put in so much effort to care for me, buy me nice things, say all those heart-warming things, so sweet and sincere and considerate because we were compatible and could connect and had the same sense of humour, right? Not afraid to be vulnerable around me and tell me more about your childhood and family, can talk about anything with me because you liked me what. Still can communicate with me to check if things are going okay with me some more (“we’re meeting twice a week, is this frequency OK for you?”).
Now, we’ve hit a rough patch, you don’t like me already, so don’t like just dump right? Don’t need to consider my feelings at all, such a stark difference from how you used to be. You texted me after the breakup, “I struggled… I pondered how to move forward… I felt the incompatibility… I was losing the relationship…”
Look at all of the “I”.
It’s clear I didn’t factor at all in your one-sided decision. It’s how you felt, what you wanted. You didn’t want me anymore, so just dump lor, suddenly and out of the blue. What mingli thinks, how hurt or sad or confused she will be, no, not important because my feelings not important what, you just didn’t want to invest the time and energy and wade through all your difficult emotions to talk to me about it.
And there I was, thinking, at the beginning, oh, seems like he knows the importance of reflecting on the situation, weighing his words and actions and not doing anything uncertain or impulsive; he seems pretty mature, so that’s good.
What shit.
You can ownself solo reflect all you want, but if you don’t eventually involve your partner in your thoughts and feelings to make things better, you reflect for what fuck?
I wasn’t even worthy of a difficult conversation.
This was our first and last fight.
You don’t want already, so just throw away, just get it over and done with. Don’t need to give her time to process anything, just straightaway dump and say goodbye with incomplete explanations and half-hearted reasons and run far, far away from her so that when she finally reaches the stage of anger, you’re not even around to listen.
How the hell did you deal with this in your previous relationship? I mean, you were with her for 3-4 years, including that break (is that your thing? Taking “breaks”, spending some time “apart” when you don’t want to confront things and face things head-on?), you must have had Difficult Conversations with her.
You must have, so why couldn’t you do the same thing with me? And from what you’ve told me about your ex, I seem loads more mature than her.
Was it because “oh only five months with mingli, why go through all the emotional effort to explain and dredge things up?” or “I don’t know how she’ll take it, she’s damn fierce, so I’ll just dump her like this, quick and painless,” or “I don’t like her anymore what, not compatible and my feelings faded already, I find her less attractive already so I don’t have to care what she feels.”
You said a lot of shitty things that night, but one of the most cutting things that you said was, “sometimes I feel sad after I go out with you.”
I made you sad, just by seeing me, interacting with me. And that I was unobservant enough to not even notice it when you were unhappy. That after spending time with me, I, your then-girlfriend made you sad. That you didn’t bother to tell me this earlier, buried it all inside of you until you couldn’t take it anymore and things escalated from 20 to 100 within an hour.
Do you know… do you know how fucking unexpected, how fucking hurtful your words were?
I don’t even have the satisfaction of staring at you straight in the eye and saying any of this to your face.
You selfish coward.
Please be very, very clear that I’m not angry because you lost interest in me. No, not at all, because these things do happen, unfortunately. Instead, I’m upset because of how you handled it (dumping me five minutes before our date ended? Classy, very classy.), giving no regard or a modicum of thought for my feelings, someone who was with you in a proper relationship, not with you as a fuck buddy or a short-term fling. You hid your true feelings from me, kept up pretences and lied to me about it, because you weren’t grown-up enough to have a difficult, mature conversation with me.
You liar.
Turns out you’re as emotionally unavailable as the doctor that I dated in 2014.
So, unless you fix yourself, deal with your deep-seated issues or come around to the concept of being more open with your negative feelings and talking it over properly with the girl and handling relationship problems like a fucking adult in it for the long haul, don’t you dare have the utter audacity to put overpromising bullshit like “looking for long-term relationship” on your revived dating app profiles, because you’ll just end up pulling the same stunt on the next poor sod that comes along and falls for it.
Please, save her the abject pain, raging self-doubt and swarming confusion.
For my past two relationships, which lasted ~3 years each, we saw the slow decline, I saw the writing on the walls, but this thing with you? No. No one could have predicted the severity of things, but I tried, I fucking tried by picking apart everything, by recalling all the things I said or did that could have hurt you.
Was it because I was talking about that buff, good-looking guy that sat opposite me on the bus?
Is it because I’m too boring? You proposed things like go-karting and VR games and cycling. I don't like to travel to the eastern side because it’s too far from our houses and workplaces.
Is it because I’ve been gaming too much in the previous month?
Is it because I’m not intellectual or interesting enough for you to discuss worldly affairs like the Russian-Ukraine war, investments, inflation, student loans, finance matters, things like that?
Is it because we were wandering around MBS that night looking for places to eat, did you feel that I was too grumpy?
Is it because of that JHope song?
Is it because you didn’t like how I pointed at that driver of the 154 bus?
What is it, what is it, what did I do-
I asked for an example of how I was “short” and “curt” with you in my texts. You told me that there was once when you were asking about the plot of a K-drama and I told you to just go and google it. I searched “google” in our Telegram texts, and I found that conversation. I was talking about the Narcos actress, and you asked how she looked like. I replied with “You google la” casually because I literally cannot screenshot Netflix - it shows a black screen.
I said that, and you took offense at that. That wasn’t the worst part, the thing is that you didn’t even tell me.
I didn’t mock your shortcomings. If you told me that you were sensitive, and that I said and did things that hurt you, and if I fucking mocked you and laughed straight in your face and said “omg why you so sensitive haha can you please man up”, and if you dumped me because of that, yes, I deserved it. Because you would have told me things that you didn’t like about me and I simply batted them away without any consideration for your feelings.
But you didn’t tell me anything.
If you did, if we tried to fix things together, and if it turned out that yes, we both agreed that we’re incompatible and this cannot go anywhere, then I wouldn’t be so angry and bitter.
If you spoke to me properly:
“Our dates have been kinda… boring recently? I mean, it’s just been dinner and dessert lately. I know you don’t like travelling, but I really wanna bring you to East Coast Park to teach you cycling/go to the Museum with you/basically do something else besides just eating, I’d really like that. Things have been monotonous and bland lately, so I’d really appreciate it if we could do something different this weekend.”
“Eh, since you read the news every day, what d’you think of the Russia-Ukraine war? I like talking about things like that, so would it be okay if we did?”
“You said this and this to me last week, and… it just made me feel bad. Like you hurt me. It made me feel sad and all, and now I just can’t be as comfortable as I used to be because you’re kinda fierce sometimes? I just wish you’d be more aware of the effect your words have on me.”
“Work has been shit and things between us have been rocky, but I don’t wanna lose you, so… can we talk about it? Maybe now isn’t a good time to talk since I’m so busy, but we have to talk about this soon enough.”
“I’m feeling ignored, I think it’s because you’re gaming too much. Can we set some time, like 1-2 hours a few times a week to just focus on texting each other because we haven’t been speaking much.”
“We haven’t been having proper conversations lately. Can we go to your playground after dinner and just talk, like what we used to do?”
“Hey, I think you’re unmotivated lately? It’s like you just work and sleep and play games and spend time on your phone. When I first matched with you, you seemed passionate about things and the nature of your job. Is everything OK, do you wanna talk about it?”
If only, if only, if only.
And there I was, thinking that I could happily scrawl “FINALLY GOT A BOYFRIEND <3 <3 <3” in my 2022 journal as the most memorable moment of the year.
Similarly, I thought I could also finally spend my birthday this year with a boyfriend, after eight years.
How foolish, how naive of me.
I flipped through my journal, where I documented every single date that I went with you - noting down the location and special moments like our first date, the first time we held hands, our first kiss and the date that you asked me to be your girlfriend, all those times when I brought you to places new to you. All the “texted LZB” when we were first getting to know each other, all the “d2r” sessions before work spirited you away.
I grabbed a black marker and viciously crossed out every single mention of you, those stupid little hearts that I drew and stickers that I added within these pages - from January to September.
Why shouldn’t I?
Going by the way you ended things and your actions on 11 Sep, I don’t think these dates meant much to you anyway, although your post-breakup texts said otherwise.
But we all know that actions speak louder than words.
It’s now even more difficult for me to trust the guys that I meet on apps. Guy #2 told me ghosting is such a dick move, and he ended up ghosting me anyway. Things started out so well with you, as you presented this polished, sleek, smooth façade to me, only for it to dissolve like a rickety house of cards built on quicksand when things got rough.
So when the next guy tells me that oh, he doesn’t want kids or is non-religious or has this and this personality trait and actually exhibits those traits, why should I believe him? Because everyone changes, everyone lies and everyone leaves.
I’ve been putting myself out there, investing effort, emotion and energy into this online dating thing, and I get misled and ghosted by one guy, before getting dumped in this fucked up, utterly thoughtless and callous way by the next.
Am I too fucking stupid, or hopeful, or delusional, not observant enough, or what?
What is the absolute fucking point of it all?!
I’m not gonna jump back to apps now, of course. I’ll give myself as much time as I need for the roiling, troubled waves in my overly-cautious, tired, doubtful, jaded soul to settle down before even considering looking at those apps again.
Maybe no matter how much time has passed, no matter how many guys I date and get into relationships with, they won’t stay.
Maybe they, just like you, can’t love me, too.
Maybe I really won’t find anyone.
But at least, at the end of the day, at the end of my life, I can say that I’ve tried, and that I was true to myself.
I used to know what hope was.
…
Fuck this.
**
/tbc
I get your point about progressing from liking to loving, because this was something I wondered too. Why didn’t I feel more for you? I know the honeymoon period doesn’t last, but it shouldn’t be… like this, right? However, I honestly wasn’t too bothered about this because personally, I’m in no rush to force my feelings to develop for you, it’s something that will naturally deepen with enough time, shared experiences and the more we understand about each other. Recently, you were so busy, so we weren’t able to explore new places and spend more much-needed time together. There were so many things that we haven’t done together that I really wanted to do with you, but I thought we could start on that list once you weren’t so busy.
You didn’t even want to consider picking this thorny conversation up when you were less busy and in a better emotional state for this. You didn’t think of, okay, I just wanna tell you that we have this problem, and we should talk about it, but not now, because I’m so busy with work now. Can we revisit this later?
Or, “okay, I have this thing where it’s difficult for me to articulate my negative feelings. I know it’s a problem and I know it will hurt you, but can we work on it together? I don’t wanna lose you, so I’d really like your support for this.”
No. I didn’t get this chance, or even just a bit of a wriggle room. It was just an immediate breakup.
This was the first relationship where I had a long-term horizon on things, and you made me so happy, oh God, you truly, really did, especially at the beginning. I’ll miss so much about you, I really will, especially the daily texts (we’ve been texting literally every day since January) and seeing your name pop up on my mobile screen. All the Telegram stickers, the places we went, the things we did, the food we ate, your habits and quirks, just… everything…
I wish I was aware of the issues earlier, so that we could actually do something about it. I feel so... powerless, so wronged, so short-changed because everything suddenly ended, with absolutely no possibility for room for improvement. But I can’t change how you feel, I can’t change how you deal with problems in your relationships and your life. If you had been willing, and open enough to have a proper talk with me, I would’ve been patient with you. I would’ve tried to help you to process things and work together with you to make our relationship stronger.
But that’s not the route you took. You jumped straight into a break-up, without taking my emotions and thoughts into account.
Which is bloody ironic, to be honest, because you started out so thoughtful and sincere. I guess all of those positive traits were thrown out of the window when things, including your work, started to get tough.
And so, my mind came to the terms with the break-up and accepted that you will not be an ideal long-term partner because of the way you deal with conflict, the way you keep things simmering and bottled up within yourself without communicating any of it to me. I’m not invalidating your feelings, of course. You have the right to feel upset/sad/annoyed at things that I do, but the way you handled it was by excluding me in all of your thoughts and feelings, which is hardly the correct way to go about things in a long-term relationship.
If I had done things differently, if I showed you more attention, care and concern during this gruelling time in your work, if I had gamed lesser to focus more on what you needed and expressed my affections enough, if I had put in more of an effort during these few weeks, would things have ended up like this? If I didn’t take you for granted, assumed that you would always be there (since we agreed on a long-term view), would you have felt as badly as you did? If I were more thoughtful, more considerate, would you have left me?
If I were more patient that night and replied you with something like, how will taking a break and spending some time apart help things and help you feel better? instead of shutting that idea down immediately, would things have turned out differently?
I sent my regrets up to the heavens where they sold wishes, but it was already too late.
I guess we’ll never know.
You were such an important part of my life in 2022, and now your constant presence has suddenly vanished into thin air. All of the memories, with no chance to make new ones, all of the happiness, now coloured with raindrops of regret and hurt and disbelief, and the potential, the absolute potential of what we could have been.
All gone.
It hit me like a sledgehammer to the head, a few minutes after I replied you for the last time. I won’t see you anymore. I won’t hold your hand again, won’t kiss you again or see your smile or hear that deep, smooth voice of yours, won’t receive any of your scenic cycling pictures, won’t eat ice-cream and waffles with you, go on nature walks with you, won’t get to bring you around the Museum-
You’re gone.
Just like that.
My brain had processed things and accepted that there was no chance for reconciliation, and now it’s my heart that’s taking over, feeling all of these things, feeling everything that I had kept at bay for the past day. This slow, pressing despair and hopelessness and longing and sadness and regret and confusion began circulating in my body, like a drug, this... potent cocktail of emotion, so thick and poignant that I could almost taste it-
So, I cried.
We were never in love. But if things had turned out differently, if we had done things differently, would we have almost known what love was?
I curled up into a ball in bed, hugged my bolster and pillows and cried and cried and cried until I crawled out of bed for breakfast. My parents saw my puffy eyes and red nose and offered sympathy, which I was grateful for. I didn’t have much of an appetite for breakfast; actually, I’m still not eating much, even now.
I cried while I texted my friends that same morning, and we made immediate plans to meet. I’m seeing C & L on Saturday; B & A on Sunday.
I had a Zoom talk to conduct at ten that morning for a preschool, and when HM asked, ten minutes before the talk was due to start, “Are you okay? You sound very tired.” And then I just snapped. Like a thread, already frayed at the ends and given up its last breath, snapping beyond repair.
“I broke up. Sunday. I’m single again.” I couldn’t even get the entire sentence out before I was gulping air and sniffling again, trying to swallow this ball of emotion and keep my emotions in check as I had to work.
“Oh my god mingli I’m so sorry. Oh my god, do you want me to teach the class instead?”
“No, no, it’s okay, just… just let me settle down and drink some water.”
Later, after the class, she told me that “oh no, I’m so sorry about this. You’ve been visibly happier for the past few months, so I’m just so sorry.” And then she gave me some big-sister advice which I really appreciate.
At least I was working from home on Tuesday, so I could be on the verge of tears the entire day. I cried a bit while answering work emails and drafting confirmation letters, this perpetual film of tears glossing over my eyes, and then cried more in the shower with music muffling my sobs, but not a lot, really, just a bit, because if I really started crying properly it felt like I couldn’t stop.
Tears turned into time, and I lay in bed late Tuesday night, awake and miserable and hurting while listening to sad BTS break-up music until 4am, allowing myself to wallow, to grieve, to grant my heart the space and time to make sense of this… unexpected loss and torrent of self-doubt washing over me.
I tried to catch the stars falling out of my heart, but I couldn’t.
It’s not my fault that I cannot be what you need, at this point in your life.
I scrolled a bit through our previous texts, and one caught my eye. I had sent this, “what if one day lzb suddenly leave me how?” accompanied with a ton of sad adorable crying cat stickers.
I was just kidding, of course, because I thought I knew you.
But I can’t believe that this actually fucking happened.
I wondered if sleep was evading you too, if you were hurting as badly as I was. Even now, I’ll think of you randomly throughout the day, wondering what you’re doing at this moment, how you’re feeling. On Monday, my colleague texted something in the group chat that I wanted to tell you about via text, but then I caught myself and thought, no, I can’t do things like that anymore.
Because you’re not mine anymore.
I miss you.
**
I’m typing this on Wednesday night, three days after you left. I was on leave today, and I woke up at 6.30am as my mum was leaving the house to go to the airport for her overseas work trip. My sense of loss was magnified when I waved goodbye to her, and I ran back to bed to start a fresh bout of crying.
With sad music as an accompaniment, my mind blank and my heart working in overtime, I moped in bed like a funeral on legs until 8+ before dragging myself out of bed. Forced down half a mooncake, read the news, and headed to the gym. I decided not to run, as I was running low on sleep and food, so I brisk-walked on the treadmill for an hour before doing a shorter routine on the weight machines.
I hope the exercise will help me to sleep tonight.
After a shower and lunch, I opened Microsoft Word to allow myself to bleed each and every glistening emotion on this page; my life-long habit after every emotional turmoil in my life. I’ve been sitting in this chair from 2.30pm, and it’s 9pm now. I’ve done nothing but listen to music while writing and gulping down a few mouthfuls of dinner.
In ten minutes, I’ll be going to Ian’s for drinks (“Yeah, just come over la, I’ve put your beer in the fridge”). He’ll listen to whatever I have to vent about, and follow up with his usual sage advice and own experiences in love. I’ll stumble home later tonight and try to get a decent night’s sleep.
I hope that, after the beer and unloading all of this onto this page, that I can finally sleep better, because it’s such a shitty feeling staying awake until the late/early hours, tossing and turning, recalling happier times and imagining what could have been.
And I’ll wake up early tomorrow morning as I have a staff workshop in office, and try not to think about how much I want to tell you about what we’re gonna do during the workshop.
No, no, I can’t do things like that anymore.
I’ll take things slowly, day-by-day, short-term, because currently, this is the only way that I can survive. Decide on two to three small goals per day, be it for work or personal, and then work on them. An idle mind is the devil’s workshop, and keeping busy and productive is the best way to get over this.
This, too, shall pass, and tomorrow will be a better day.
Funny how I don’t feel like gaming anymore after you left me.
**
The thought of returning to dating apps, of going through the rigmarole of the endless swiping vortex, thinking of witty pick-up lines, listening to the same lines, the shallow introductions “I work in nature and like going on nature walks! Do you want to hear some FUN ANIMAL FACTS”, answering the same get-to-know-you questions, spending the time and effort to meet different guys, the texts and dates that will eventually end up going nowhere, the inevitable ghosting…
Just thinking of starting that cycle all over again, it’s so disheartening, so daunting, so disappointing.
I first started using dating apps in October 2021 - almost a year ago. I met up with a total of four guys - I felt enough for two of them (Guy #2 and you) to write a blog post about them. I “got over” (I use “ “ because I didn’t feel enough for Guy #2 to have to properly get over him) Guy #2 on 13 Jan 2022.
I matched with you on 18 January, got to know you better before becoming official in April, with things ending in September.
My heart is exhausted, my emotions are all wrung-out and it’s just so… draining.
I’ve been single for the past eight years. It got lonely at times, yes, but my emotional state was peaceful. Quiet. Calm, content. Unruffled, unfazed.
And most importantly, safe.
So, so safe.
But now, I’m periodically irritated by storms of fury, bitterness, disappointment, frustration and exasperation - as potent, sudden and dangerous as a raptor’s venomous glare.
At the beginning, you liked me a lot what, right? Put in so much effort to care for me, buy me nice things, say all those heart-warming things, so sweet and sincere and considerate because we were compatible and could connect and had the same sense of humour, right? Not afraid to be vulnerable around me and tell me more about your childhood and family, can talk about anything with me because you liked me what. Still can communicate with me to check if things are going okay with me some more (“we’re meeting twice a week, is this frequency OK for you?”).
Now, we’ve hit a rough patch, you don’t like me already, so don’t like just dump right? Don’t need to consider my feelings at all, such a stark difference from how you used to be. You texted me after the breakup, “I struggled… I pondered how to move forward… I felt the incompatibility… I was losing the relationship…”
Look at all of the “I”.
It’s clear I didn’t factor at all in your one-sided decision. It’s how you felt, what you wanted. You didn’t want me anymore, so just dump lor, suddenly and out of the blue. What mingli thinks, how hurt or sad or confused she will be, no, not important because my feelings not important what, you just didn’t want to invest the time and energy and wade through all your difficult emotions to talk to me about it.
And there I was, thinking, at the beginning, oh, seems like he knows the importance of reflecting on the situation, weighing his words and actions and not doing anything uncertain or impulsive; he seems pretty mature, so that’s good.
What shit.
You can ownself solo reflect all you want, but if you don’t eventually involve your partner in your thoughts and feelings to make things better, you reflect for what fuck?
I wasn’t even worthy of a difficult conversation.
This was our first and last fight.
You don’t want already, so just throw away, just get it over and done with. Don’t need to give her time to process anything, just straightaway dump and say goodbye with incomplete explanations and half-hearted reasons and run far, far away from her so that when she finally reaches the stage of anger, you’re not even around to listen.
How the hell did you deal with this in your previous relationship? I mean, you were with her for 3-4 years, including that break (is that your thing? Taking “breaks”, spending some time “apart” when you don’t want to confront things and face things head-on?), you must have had Difficult Conversations with her.
You must have, so why couldn’t you do the same thing with me? And from what you’ve told me about your ex, I seem loads more mature than her.
Was it because “oh only five months with mingli, why go through all the emotional effort to explain and dredge things up?” or “I don’t know how she’ll take it, she’s damn fierce, so I’ll just dump her like this, quick and painless,” or “I don’t like her anymore what, not compatible and my feelings faded already, I find her less attractive already so I don’t have to care what she feels.”
You said a lot of shitty things that night, but one of the most cutting things that you said was, “sometimes I feel sad after I go out with you.”
I made you sad, just by seeing me, interacting with me. And that I was unobservant enough to not even notice it when you were unhappy. That after spending time with me, I, your then-girlfriend made you sad. That you didn’t bother to tell me this earlier, buried it all inside of you until you couldn’t take it anymore and things escalated from 20 to 100 within an hour.
Do you know… do you know how fucking unexpected, how fucking hurtful your words were?
I don’t even have the satisfaction of staring at you straight in the eye and saying any of this to your face.
You selfish coward.
Please be very, very clear that I’m not angry because you lost interest in me. No, not at all, because these things do happen, unfortunately. Instead, I’m upset because of how you handled it (dumping me five minutes before our date ended? Classy, very classy.), giving no regard or a modicum of thought for my feelings, someone who was with you in a proper relationship, not with you as a fuck buddy or a short-term fling. You hid your true feelings from me, kept up pretences and lied to me about it, because you weren’t grown-up enough to have a difficult, mature conversation with me.
You liar.
Turns out you’re as emotionally unavailable as the doctor that I dated in 2014.
So, unless you fix yourself, deal with your deep-seated issues or come around to the concept of being more open with your negative feelings and talking it over properly with the girl and handling relationship problems like a fucking adult in it for the long haul, don’t you dare have the utter audacity to put overpromising bullshit like “looking for long-term relationship” on your revived dating app profiles, because you’ll just end up pulling the same stunt on the next poor sod that comes along and falls for it.
Please, save her the abject pain, raging self-doubt and swarming confusion.
For my past two relationships, which lasted ~3 years each, we saw the slow decline, I saw the writing on the walls, but this thing with you? No. No one could have predicted the severity of things, but I tried, I fucking tried by picking apart everything, by recalling all the things I said or did that could have hurt you.
Was it because I was talking about that buff, good-looking guy that sat opposite me on the bus?
Is it because I’m too boring? You proposed things like go-karting and VR games and cycling. I don't like to travel to the eastern side because it’s too far from our houses and workplaces.
Is it because I’ve been gaming too much in the previous month?
Is it because I’m not intellectual or interesting enough for you to discuss worldly affairs like the Russian-Ukraine war, investments, inflation, student loans, finance matters, things like that?
Is it because we were wandering around MBS that night looking for places to eat, did you feel that I was too grumpy?
Is it because of that JHope song?
Is it because you didn’t like how I pointed at that driver of the 154 bus?
What is it, what is it, what did I do-
I asked for an example of how I was “short” and “curt” with you in my texts. You told me that there was once when you were asking about the plot of a K-drama and I told you to just go and google it. I searched “google” in our Telegram texts, and I found that conversation. I was talking about the Narcos actress, and you asked how she looked like. I replied with “You google la” casually because I literally cannot screenshot Netflix - it shows a black screen.
I said that, and you took offense at that. That wasn’t the worst part, the thing is that you didn’t even tell me.
I didn’t mock your shortcomings. If you told me that you were sensitive, and that I said and did things that hurt you, and if I fucking mocked you and laughed straight in your face and said “omg why you so sensitive haha can you please man up”, and if you dumped me because of that, yes, I deserved it. Because you would have told me things that you didn’t like about me and I simply batted them away without any consideration for your feelings.
But you didn’t tell me anything.
If you did, if we tried to fix things together, and if it turned out that yes, we both agreed that we’re incompatible and this cannot go anywhere, then I wouldn’t be so angry and bitter.
If you spoke to me properly:
“Our dates have been kinda… boring recently? I mean, it’s just been dinner and dessert lately. I know you don’t like travelling, but I really wanna bring you to East Coast Park to teach you cycling/go to the Museum with you/basically do something else besides just eating, I’d really like that. Things have been monotonous and bland lately, so I’d really appreciate it if we could do something different this weekend.”
“Eh, since you read the news every day, what d’you think of the Russia-Ukraine war? I like talking about things like that, so would it be okay if we did?”
“You said this and this to me last week, and… it just made me feel bad. Like you hurt me. It made me feel sad and all, and now I just can’t be as comfortable as I used to be because you’re kinda fierce sometimes? I just wish you’d be more aware of the effect your words have on me.”
“Work has been shit and things between us have been rocky, but I don’t wanna lose you, so… can we talk about it? Maybe now isn’t a good time to talk since I’m so busy, but we have to talk about this soon enough.”
“I’m feeling ignored, I think it’s because you’re gaming too much. Can we set some time, like 1-2 hours a few times a week to just focus on texting each other because we haven’t been speaking much.”
“We haven’t been having proper conversations lately. Can we go to your playground after dinner and just talk, like what we used to do?”
“Hey, I think you’re unmotivated lately? It’s like you just work and sleep and play games and spend time on your phone. When I first matched with you, you seemed passionate about things and the nature of your job. Is everything OK, do you wanna talk about it?”
If only, if only, if only.
And there I was, thinking that I could happily scrawl “FINALLY GOT A BOYFRIEND <3 <3 <3” in my 2022 journal as the most memorable moment of the year.
Similarly, I thought I could also finally spend my birthday this year with a boyfriend, after eight years.
How foolish, how naive of me.
I flipped through my journal, where I documented every single date that I went with you - noting down the location and special moments like our first date, the first time we held hands, our first kiss and the date that you asked me to be your girlfriend, all those times when I brought you to places new to you. All the “texted LZB” when we were first getting to know each other, all the “d2r” sessions before work spirited you away.
I grabbed a black marker and viciously crossed out every single mention of you, those stupid little hearts that I drew and stickers that I added within these pages - from January to September.
Why shouldn’t I?
Going by the way you ended things and your actions on 11 Sep, I don’t think these dates meant much to you anyway, although your post-breakup texts said otherwise.
But we all know that actions speak louder than words.
It’s now even more difficult for me to trust the guys that I meet on apps. Guy #2 told me ghosting is such a dick move, and he ended up ghosting me anyway. Things started out so well with you, as you presented this polished, sleek, smooth façade to me, only for it to dissolve like a rickety house of cards built on quicksand when things got rough.
So when the next guy tells me that oh, he doesn’t want kids or is non-religious or has this and this personality trait and actually exhibits those traits, why should I believe him? Because everyone changes, everyone lies and everyone leaves.
I’ve been putting myself out there, investing effort, emotion and energy into this online dating thing, and I get misled and ghosted by one guy, before getting dumped in this fucked up, utterly thoughtless and callous way by the next.
Am I too fucking stupid, or hopeful, or delusional, not observant enough, or what?
What is the absolute fucking point of it all?!
I’m not gonna jump back to apps now, of course. I’ll give myself as much time as I need for the roiling, troubled waves in my overly-cautious, tired, doubtful, jaded soul to settle down before even considering looking at those apps again.
Maybe no matter how much time has passed, no matter how many guys I date and get into relationships with, they won’t stay.
Maybe they, just like you, can’t love me, too.
Maybe I really won’t find anyone.
But at least, at the end of the day, at the end of my life, I can say that I’ve tried, and that I was true to myself.
I used to know what hope was.
…
Fuck this.
**
/tbc