Taking action
I feel like I need to take action. I'm not sure what to do, but I need to do somethig. The way things are right now is not okay. I need to change them, but I don't know how. There are a thousand things I could do, but how many will really have any level of success? I don't know what I should do. This is the stage where I start taking risks, sometimes on myself, sometimes doing stupid things. If I could find a way to do what I did with Claire it'd actually be alright cause he doesn't know where I live lol. But then again, when he did find me, it wouldn't be pleasant. I got high tonight, simply because I'm sick of switching between numbness andcrying. The numbness is actually somewhat useful. It allows me to almost hit temporary psychopathy, allowing me to calculate and make moves and gather information with little to no emotional involvement. Although based on information I've recently come across, things could get interesting when school starts up, and not in a way that helps me. God, I wish I could just talk to him. I can't sleep, I constantly feel sick, and I have no motivation. I don't even feel hungry anymore. I'm eating based on time of day, not desire. My eyes are actually starting to hurt, plus I've had a migraine for a few days. Even my body isn't doing so well. I have to do SOMETHING. I just don't know what yet.
I also had a thought. Perhaps I don't work on a 3 year schedule, asIthought, but a transitional schedule. I met Claire shortly after starting high school, which slowly progressed, then exploded, and varied between degrees of shitty for the next three years. Then I meet Kaiden shortly after starting university, which slowly progressed, then exploded, and is currently varying between degrees of shitty. Although that's a very depressing outlook. That would mean until I finish school (which may include grad school), or switch institutions, I will be in this same shitty boat. And anyone who tells me that I just need to get out and meet people is getting hit with a very large stick. Not only am I shy, introverted, easily frightened, and a shut in, butI'm immune to primary attraction (the physical attraction to someone based solely on appearence), and secondary attraction (physical attraction to someone based on personality) is extremely rare, though powerful.I don't feel sexual attraction unless I really really like the person.I alsodon't operate on the 'meet someone, get to know them, like them,then go out with them'. I go 'meet someone, like them, get to know them, go out with them' schedule. Iknow within a minute of seeing someone if I'm going to become attracted to them.I can't explain it, and the only other person I know who gets it is male Alex (then again we are kind of the same person). So no, that's bullshit.
I'm stoned now, so I don't know how to end this. Except to say that it's ending, which it is.