Emotional versus physical
I am unbelievably down today. I have no idea why, but I had to leave my desk for a few minutes to keep from crying at work. Maybe I'm just not getting enough sleep, or maybe something triggered it that I can't identify, or maybe today is just a day that my emotions aren't coping well with. It's moments like these that remind me how powerful my emotions are. I actually feel loneliness as a physical sensation. It's a sort of uncomfortable tingling around my waist and inside my rib cage, and at that moment I just NEED to be close to someone. That need is almost never met, but I usually just roll up into a ball until it goes away. It's not painful, but I feel like I need it to end RIGHT NOW. It's like an intense craving. Christine once told me that she believes in god because sometimes she'll randomly feel like she got a hug when she didn't. This is kind of like the inverse of that, the anti-hug, if you will. And it's something I've never felt when I have been with someone, in any sense of the word. The best remedy I've found is just to ride it out, but it seems to just suck the energy right out of me. Once it starts, it comes and goes for a while, sometimes for days, and I know once it does begin, it's going to be a bad day sanity-wise. Hurting myself seems to kill it too, and oddly I've never felt it while high or when I wasn't eating. Besides those times, it's inescapable, and almost torturous. I know this sounds absolutely bizarre, but putting a feeling that is, to my knowledge, extremely uncommon, into words is quite difficult. This is one of the things that has dumbfounded all of my shrinks, and something I've stopped telling others about because they can't understand it. I just wish someone could understand what I'm talking about, just once. And perhaps they may know of some trick to making it go away. I don't know. It's just made me a wreck for the last hour or so. Perhaps I'll x-post this somewhere, and perhaps someone will know what I'm talking about. Another weird thing about it is that it isn't unlike the tingling I get in my thighs from time to time, though I was never able to determine if that was nerve damage, or all in my head. It's not exactly the same, but they'd probably be put in the same category of icky feelings. I think if I could fix this issue, I'd be a hell of a lot better off than I am now. And it is really really inconvenient.
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