I Want All The Feelings
Disclaimer: I don't own Supernatual or any trademark related entities.
Summery: A rather soppy version of Castiel's return. I'm all into the fluff atm.
Castiel draws a deep breath, feeling the air in his lungs like a burden. A painful one. Or perhaps the pain is just in his chest and not in his lungs, it’s hard to tell; he’s not used to paying attention to his vessel, all the little quirks and oddities. But he feels them now. Blood pounding with a steady rhythm, even if it is much quicker now, he notices, too fast almost. Is it supposed to rush through so fast? And his stomach is clenching up, even though he’s been eating like Dean taught him last time he was human. And he feels dizzy too, even with all the time he wastes these days just sleeping. It’s such an infuriating waste. But in the end Castiel assumes that none of this is normal bodily behavior. In the end it all comes down to the man standing in front of him in the doorway, his face a mirror of the same things that Castiel feels at that moment.
And Dean looks at him with eyes so full of emotion. If it is joy or pain or forgiveness or blame, Castiel isn’t able to say. He doesn’t know those feelings well enough, is still confused by them when it’s himself feeling them; he doesn’t have the experience to interpret other people’s emotion yet.
Dean is still standing there, face frozen in an emotion Castiel thinks is surprise, but bad surprise; he sees pain there. Pain he knows well enough. And just then Castiel regrets coming, thinks that perhaps it was too soon. But then Dean breaks out of his trance, and hands, arms are pulling Castiel into an embrace.
“Cas?” Dean’s voice is hoarse, broken and Castiel pulls back to check if the other man is hurt, but Dean seems uninjured.
“Yes, it’s really me, Dean.” Castiel keeps his left hand on Dean’s upper arm, and in response, Dean’s right hand is clenching Castiel’s arm, fingers digging into soft muscle. “But a shifter would say the same. Or a Demon. You should have checked before exposing yourself like that.”
Dean is confused, but then he smiles, unwillingly it seems, because he tries to hide it, tries to make it go away, but he isn’t doing such a good job of it, Castiel thinks. But it’s okay, because Dean’s smile makes Castiel smile and it feels so nice to smile again. Smiling was something he remembers doing with Dean. And then Dean isn’t smiling anymore, instead the pain is back.
“Cas? You were dead, you were gone.”
“I was, for a while.” Castiel admits, stepping backwards, but Dean doesn’t let go of his arm. “But apparently you didn’t want me dead, so I was brought back. Again.”
Dean is quiet, but it’s not the dazed silence like before, it’s a pensive silence, absorbed. “The hand…print?” He asks, hand slowly moving to rest over the scar on his shoulder.
“Is linking my grace to your soul. As long as you want me around I’ll continue to be.” Castiel tries to explain, but it’s hard, these are things he’s only ever speculated about earlier. He’s not sure he can give Dean a better answer, but luckily Dean isn’t looking for insightful enlightenments.
“So I brought you back? How? Why now?”
“Actually I was revived little over four months ago. I can’t really explain to you the mechanics of the process…”
Dean is pulling away, fast and rough and Castiel is caught off guard. “Four months?”
When Castiel doesn’t answer Dean continues in the same strained voice. “What the hell have you been doing for four months? Angel business?”
Castiel raises an eyebrow. He finally understands what Dean is mad about. “Dean, I’m not an Angel anymore. I've been training to be a Hunter, like you.”
Dean looks surprised, and then sad and then something else. There’s always this emotion, one explicit emotion that Dean sometimes shows, that Castiel hasn’t learned to interpret yet. “Why didn’t you come back? Why didn’t you… You left me, again.” The last isn’t even spoken out loud; it’s a whisper melting into a move of lips.
Castiel winches. He had expected Dean to go down that road, he had expected the blame. But he will never get used to it. “I didn’t want to come back before I had fixed myself, before I was able to redeem myself. I didn’t want to be a burden.”
Dean laughs a small, insecure laugh, but his face is still sad. “A burden? Cas you’re such a child. You’ll never be a burden to us.” He steps forward, grapping Castiel’s arms again, grip tight, getting tighter. “God, I’ve been absolutely ruined! You were gone, man.” His arm slips lower, hands resting on Castiel’s wrists. “I’ve missed you so much, we all have. God, I thought you were dead.”
“I’m here Dean.” Castiel ensures, but Dean doesn’t seem to believe him. “I’m a squishy mortal human now, with no education except for being a warrior, no money and no possessions to my name, but I’m here.”
“You always did know how to look at the bright sides of life.” Dean whispers, moving closer and Castiel can feel the shift in the air, a change in Dean’s mood.
“Well I learned the negative emotions faster.” Castiel admits and almost smile as Dean tugs his hand, dragging him inside the empty motel room.
“I’ll teach you some of the happier ones.” Dean mumbles, smile on his face and Castiel follows easily, closing the door behind them.