Ha, Ha
So I totally got sloshed at the nail salon….
As if one fu-fu drink wasn’t enough… I totally didn’t “feel” the effects of the first drink…so I happily ordered a second. Big mistake! About 3 sips into the second drink, I was wasted. Oops. This is kind of an interesting place I went to - their business is run as nail salon that serves alcoholic drinks to its patrons.
Oh well. Live and learn. I had to sit there and let my nails dry for like an extra 20 minutes in an attempt to sober up. Then I hit a drive-thru on my way back home, in further efforts to purge the booze from my system. Can’t say that it did much (well, now my stomach isn’t growling, at least)…but again, oh well.
So now I’m trying to figure out exactly what to do tonight. So far, it look looks like I’m about to go hang out at the Starbucks at school (open until midnight). I don’t know what my mental block is, but I really struggle to do actual homework at home. I seem to do MUCH better if I go someplace else (namely, the library or Starbucks). So I think once I sober up a bit more (how embarrassing would that be, to be refused service at Starbucks for being drunk?), I will head over to school and get started on my IS 301 reading.
I must say, taking classes this term has turned out exceptionally well. On paper, it seemed like a good idea, but you never know exactly how things will go until you start. In practice, it’s turning out great. At the risk of sounding like a total dork, I’m really proud of myself. I was more than slightly worried I would totally lose it half way through the term and not be able to finish for whatever reason (kind of like last year - I totally bombed half-way through the term…and my ex-husband had a lot to do with that). But I’m finding that it’s 100% easier going to school now that I’m single. For as much as my ex-husband complained about me NOT having a degree, it’s becoming more and more clear how little he did to help change that situation.
At one point I said something that probably seemed rather heartless to my ex-husband about me going to school. For some reason, I am rather reminded of that statement these days. Once I told him that school was more important than our relationship to me, which admittedly on some levels may have been cruel. But on the other hand, if he really loved me in a healthy way, wouldn’t he have been supportive of me finishing school when he knew it was so important to me and who I am as a person? I don’t know…there is no one right answer to that question. I know our relationship should have come before school…but he also knew that school was important to me…yet he made it clear he didn’t want to contribute any time nor money to me achieving that personal goal. I wonder why that is. Did he feel threatened that I might leave him if I finished school? That I might realize there was something better out there? I don’t know why he felt so threatened of me getting an education. The bigger problem with the situation, though, was that he complained I didn’t have my degree, that I didn’t have similar earning potential to him. I get that maybe he wanted me uneducated, barefoot, and eventually pregnant…but then he shouldn’t have been upset that I wasn’t making good money in the meantime, until we go to the pregnant part. A person can’t have it both ways.
Moments like this are when it starts to feel a little rough. I totally wish I had someone to hang out with, somewhere to go tonight. I don’t want to just hang out at home. I don’t even particularly want to go to Starbucks. But what else can I do? Sitting at home and wishing that life was different won’t change a thing - for tonight, at least, I am single. I need to do my homework. And someday, maybe God will introduce me to someone else that will love me the way a husband truly should love his wife. And in return, I will hopefully find my path in life a little bit easier than when I walked beside my ex-husband. I was miserable being married to him. Being lonely sucks, but it is nothing compared to the pain I felt while being married to him.
Tomorrow is my birthday brunch. I’m having mixed feelings about it. I mean, I’m excited: the people who live locally, those who care the most about me will all be there. But on the flip-side, I am just so heavily reminded of how many people I know who won’t be there because they have dropped our friendship after the divorce. I know like everything else in life, it’s all about how you choose to view the situation…but it still hurts inside. I guess like everyone out there, I want the entire world to love me. But of course I’m seeing that just isn’t possible, you never can make every single other person out there happy.
Moments like this I almost wonder if I should seriously look at dating. It would be a good distraction from these feelings of loneliness. But I have so many fears, especially of ending up with someone (again) who won’t value me for what I have to offer at face-value. I never want to be judged again for NOT having my degree.
Why is the degree the magic piece of paper? I see so many younger people in my classes who don’t have half the life experience that I do - what makes them more qualified than myself in life? What makes them “better”? I don’t get it. I know the piece of paper doesn’t mean a lot on its own…but there are so many doors that are just flat-out slammed in your face without it.
Well, I guess I’m truly starting to sober up. I swear, I’ve had more to drink the past 3 days than I’ve had in the past 3 month’s total. Oh well. As long as it doesn’t become a habit, right?! So I’d probably better pack up my bag and head to school. There is no point in sitting around my horrible little studio apartment feeling sorry for myself. At least at school, I can feel like I’m accomplishing something. Sitting here at “home”, all I can focus on is the nasty smell of burning food emanating from the shared kitchen. It is gross, and unfortunately mirrors the yucky way I am feeling inside right this second.
As if one fu-fu drink wasn’t enough… I totally didn’t “feel” the effects of the first drink…so I happily ordered a second. Big mistake! About 3 sips into the second drink, I was wasted. Oops. This is kind of an interesting place I went to - their business is run as nail salon that serves alcoholic drinks to its patrons.
Oh well. Live and learn. I had to sit there and let my nails dry for like an extra 20 minutes in an attempt to sober up. Then I hit a drive-thru on my way back home, in further efforts to purge the booze from my system. Can’t say that it did much (well, now my stomach isn’t growling, at least)…but again, oh well.
So now I’m trying to figure out exactly what to do tonight. So far, it look looks like I’m about to go hang out at the Starbucks at school (open until midnight). I don’t know what my mental block is, but I really struggle to do actual homework at home. I seem to do MUCH better if I go someplace else (namely, the library or Starbucks). So I think once I sober up a bit more (how embarrassing would that be, to be refused service at Starbucks for being drunk?), I will head over to school and get started on my IS 301 reading.
I must say, taking classes this term has turned out exceptionally well. On paper, it seemed like a good idea, but you never know exactly how things will go until you start. In practice, it’s turning out great. At the risk of sounding like a total dork, I’m really proud of myself. I was more than slightly worried I would totally lose it half way through the term and not be able to finish for whatever reason (kind of like last year - I totally bombed half-way through the term…and my ex-husband had a lot to do with that). But I’m finding that it’s 100% easier going to school now that I’m single. For as much as my ex-husband complained about me NOT having a degree, it’s becoming more and more clear how little he did to help change that situation.
At one point I said something that probably seemed rather heartless to my ex-husband about me going to school. For some reason, I am rather reminded of that statement these days. Once I told him that school was more important than our relationship to me, which admittedly on some levels may have been cruel. But on the other hand, if he really loved me in a healthy way, wouldn’t he have been supportive of me finishing school when he knew it was so important to me and who I am as a person? I don’t know…there is no one right answer to that question. I know our relationship should have come before school…but he also knew that school was important to me…yet he made it clear he didn’t want to contribute any time nor money to me achieving that personal goal. I wonder why that is. Did he feel threatened that I might leave him if I finished school? That I might realize there was something better out there? I don’t know why he felt so threatened of me getting an education. The bigger problem with the situation, though, was that he complained I didn’t have my degree, that I didn’t have similar earning potential to him. I get that maybe he wanted me uneducated, barefoot, and eventually pregnant…but then he shouldn’t have been upset that I wasn’t making good money in the meantime, until we go to the pregnant part. A person can’t have it both ways.
Moments like this are when it starts to feel a little rough. I totally wish I had someone to hang out with, somewhere to go tonight. I don’t want to just hang out at home. I don’t even particularly want to go to Starbucks. But what else can I do? Sitting at home and wishing that life was different won’t change a thing - for tonight, at least, I am single. I need to do my homework. And someday, maybe God will introduce me to someone else that will love me the way a husband truly should love his wife. And in return, I will hopefully find my path in life a little bit easier than when I walked beside my ex-husband. I was miserable being married to him. Being lonely sucks, but it is nothing compared to the pain I felt while being married to him.
Tomorrow is my birthday brunch. I’m having mixed feelings about it. I mean, I’m excited: the people who live locally, those who care the most about me will all be there. But on the flip-side, I am just so heavily reminded of how many people I know who won’t be there because they have dropped our friendship after the divorce. I know like everything else in life, it’s all about how you choose to view the situation…but it still hurts inside. I guess like everyone out there, I want the entire world to love me. But of course I’m seeing that just isn’t possible, you never can make every single other person out there happy.
Moments like this I almost wonder if I should seriously look at dating. It would be a good distraction from these feelings of loneliness. But I have so many fears, especially of ending up with someone (again) who won’t value me for what I have to offer at face-value. I never want to be judged again for NOT having my degree.
Why is the degree the magic piece of paper? I see so many younger people in my classes who don’t have half the life experience that I do - what makes them more qualified than myself in life? What makes them “better”? I don’t get it. I know the piece of paper doesn’t mean a lot on its own…but there are so many doors that are just flat-out slammed in your face without it.
Well, I guess I’m truly starting to sober up. I swear, I’ve had more to drink the past 3 days than I’ve had in the past 3 month’s total. Oh well. As long as it doesn’t become a habit, right?! So I’d probably better pack up my bag and head to school. There is no point in sitting around my horrible little studio apartment feeling sorry for myself. At least at school, I can feel like I’m accomplishing something. Sitting here at “home”, all I can focus on is the nasty smell of burning food emanating from the shared kitchen. It is gross, and unfortunately mirrors the yucky way I am feeling inside right this second.