Not my best night ever...
You know, at first I thought I was just having a lazy kind of day. But the more and more I think about it, I think I’m actually depressed and just having a hard time doing anything. *Snort*
It’s one thing to decide not to do anything. That’s kind of empowering; but when you realized you have nothing to do…even when you want to do stuff…that’s kind of sad. It’s moments like this one I REALLY debate my choice to get divorced. I mean, I know on so many levels I made the right choice. But then I’m sitting here alone on a Saturday night…and it just feels so lonely and pathetic. I just don’t know what the heck I’m supposed to be doing right now. I still do plan to go sit in Starbucks tonight…but it’s not even 8:00 PM. If I sit there until they close at midnight, that’s just pathetic.
Hmmm…what could I go do? I really don’t feel so great. I’m not drunk anymore…but drinking on an empty stomach was clearly NOT the world’s best idea. And of course, I hadn’t had any fluids today either, so I think that only added to the general feeling of grossness I’m feeling now.
*Sigh* I did have high hopes for this weekend. Looking back, I’m not really sure why. It really isn’t my intention to sit around whining on LiveJournal…but somehow, that seems to be the best I can do right now.
I don’t know…maybe I should think about dating. Am I ready for that? I don’t think I’m still hung up on my ex-husband in the slightest…but I still do have some baggage I’m carrying around from being with him for 13 years. And is it really fair to unload that baggage on someone else? And what kind of person will I attract if I still have my own “issues” to deal with? But I will admit: the loneliness is bad tonight. I guess this was the part of being divorced people tried to warn me about. I guess it’s still better than the hell I was living through…largely, because I was trapped in the marriage and there was no hope it would change. The ONLY thing keeping me going right now is the hope that there will be something else better down the road. If I didn’t have hope at the moment, I know I couldn’t do this. I think I would throw in the towel, figuratively and literally.
I know the best thing I can do right now is probably just put on my shoes and drag my ass to Starbucks. At least there, I won’t be feeling like I’m 100% totally alone in this world. But my head aches from my little drinking binge this afternoon; I have a feeling it’s going to be a while before I touch alcohol again. I just feel yucky. And I know it’s directly related to what I drank this afternoon.
I also know I need to be strong right now, even though it’s hard. One of my biggest complaints about my ex-mother-in-law is that she never did anything about her unhappiness in life. She would just complain about it. And that’s basically all I’m doing: bitching about stuff…not trying to change any of it. And how does that make it better? A certain amount of venting is one thing; okay even. But I strongly believe life gets to a point where YOU have to be proactive and help yourself. So what is stopping me from living my own advice right now? Why am I struggling tonight, more than other nights?
I will admit: my 30th birthday has been a bit of a let-down. Not that I really know what I expected to be different. I guess I just thought something about it would be magical, like something special would happen as a sign from God or something that my life was on the right track, that I’d made good choices in recent months. A reward, if you will. But I’m finding that there has just been so much stress surrounding me celebrating my birthday; it has hardly felt like a celebration at all. And now I’m not sure what to do about that. Again, it wasn’t that I expected anything to be any different than it was. I guess the only thing that really caught me off guard was that I felt as strongly as I did about NOT having contact with my mother on birthday. That hurt a lot more than I anticipated, and I’m having trouble just dropping it.
Hmmm. The debate now becomes if I should try to pack up and get to Starbucks like originally planned. Or maybe I should just take a nice big dose of Ativan and call it a night? It is almost 8:00 PM…I could pretty legitimately call it a night any time now. I could take my pills and sit in bed and read for a while. It wouldn’t be so bad. Going out just feels insurmountable right now. But what is the best thing I can do for me right now? I guess I need to ask myself that self-care question that I usually have to refer to when I’m struggling like this: if I had a daughter, what would I tell her to do right now? Would I push her to make the effort to go out…or would I tell her to snuggle up tight and call it a night? I’m thinking it’s okay to give her permission to stay in. Really. I can do my homework tomorrow; I don’t HAVE to do it tonight. And I’ve been really good about not sitting at home and mopping too much; one night is surely forgivable.
I’m just scared in a way, though. I’m scared that staying home tonight is taking the “easy” way out, that I’m setting myself up for bigger/worse failures if I don’t force myself to go out and do homework tonight. If I let things go tonight, then maybe tomorrow will be just as bad. Hmmm. I’m totally torn right now. What should I do?
Ugh. I hate this indecision. And I think it’s a sign I’m feeling depressed. I’m struggling with the “simple” decisions. When I get to this point, things rarely go well.
Okay, I think even though I’m not all that tired, I’m going to go lie down. My head really hurts. I drank way too much this afternoon. I need to just take good care of my body tonight, so that it is well for the brunch tomorrow.
It’s one thing to decide not to do anything. That’s kind of empowering; but when you realized you have nothing to do…even when you want to do stuff…that’s kind of sad. It’s moments like this one I REALLY debate my choice to get divorced. I mean, I know on so many levels I made the right choice. But then I’m sitting here alone on a Saturday night…and it just feels so lonely and pathetic. I just don’t know what the heck I’m supposed to be doing right now. I still do plan to go sit in Starbucks tonight…but it’s not even 8:00 PM. If I sit there until they close at midnight, that’s just pathetic.
Hmmm…what could I go do? I really don’t feel so great. I’m not drunk anymore…but drinking on an empty stomach was clearly NOT the world’s best idea. And of course, I hadn’t had any fluids today either, so I think that only added to the general feeling of grossness I’m feeling now.
*Sigh* I did have high hopes for this weekend. Looking back, I’m not really sure why. It really isn’t my intention to sit around whining on LiveJournal…but somehow, that seems to be the best I can do right now.
I don’t know…maybe I should think about dating. Am I ready for that? I don’t think I’m still hung up on my ex-husband in the slightest…but I still do have some baggage I’m carrying around from being with him for 13 years. And is it really fair to unload that baggage on someone else? And what kind of person will I attract if I still have my own “issues” to deal with? But I will admit: the loneliness is bad tonight. I guess this was the part of being divorced people tried to warn me about. I guess it’s still better than the hell I was living through…largely, because I was trapped in the marriage and there was no hope it would change. The ONLY thing keeping me going right now is the hope that there will be something else better down the road. If I didn’t have hope at the moment, I know I couldn’t do this. I think I would throw in the towel, figuratively and literally.
I know the best thing I can do right now is probably just put on my shoes and drag my ass to Starbucks. At least there, I won’t be feeling like I’m 100% totally alone in this world. But my head aches from my little drinking binge this afternoon; I have a feeling it’s going to be a while before I touch alcohol again. I just feel yucky. And I know it’s directly related to what I drank this afternoon.
I also know I need to be strong right now, even though it’s hard. One of my biggest complaints about my ex-mother-in-law is that she never did anything about her unhappiness in life. She would just complain about it. And that’s basically all I’m doing: bitching about stuff…not trying to change any of it. And how does that make it better? A certain amount of venting is one thing; okay even. But I strongly believe life gets to a point where YOU have to be proactive and help yourself. So what is stopping me from living my own advice right now? Why am I struggling tonight, more than other nights?
I will admit: my 30th birthday has been a bit of a let-down. Not that I really know what I expected to be different. I guess I just thought something about it would be magical, like something special would happen as a sign from God or something that my life was on the right track, that I’d made good choices in recent months. A reward, if you will. But I’m finding that there has just been so much stress surrounding me celebrating my birthday; it has hardly felt like a celebration at all. And now I’m not sure what to do about that. Again, it wasn’t that I expected anything to be any different than it was. I guess the only thing that really caught me off guard was that I felt as strongly as I did about NOT having contact with my mother on birthday. That hurt a lot more than I anticipated, and I’m having trouble just dropping it.
Hmmm. The debate now becomes if I should try to pack up and get to Starbucks like originally planned. Or maybe I should just take a nice big dose of Ativan and call it a night? It is almost 8:00 PM…I could pretty legitimately call it a night any time now. I could take my pills and sit in bed and read for a while. It wouldn’t be so bad. Going out just feels insurmountable right now. But what is the best thing I can do for me right now? I guess I need to ask myself that self-care question that I usually have to refer to when I’m struggling like this: if I had a daughter, what would I tell her to do right now? Would I push her to make the effort to go out…or would I tell her to snuggle up tight and call it a night? I’m thinking it’s okay to give her permission to stay in. Really. I can do my homework tomorrow; I don’t HAVE to do it tonight. And I’ve been really good about not sitting at home and mopping too much; one night is surely forgivable.
I’m just scared in a way, though. I’m scared that staying home tonight is taking the “easy” way out, that I’m setting myself up for bigger/worse failures if I don’t force myself to go out and do homework tonight. If I let things go tonight, then maybe tomorrow will be just as bad. Hmmm. I’m totally torn right now. What should I do?
Ugh. I hate this indecision. And I think it’s a sign I’m feeling depressed. I’m struggling with the “simple” decisions. When I get to this point, things rarely go well.
Okay, I think even though I’m not all that tired, I’m going to go lie down. My head really hurts. I drank way too much this afternoon. I need to just take good care of my body tonight, so that it is well for the brunch tomorrow.