Title: Because It's Meant To Be
Pairing: Shigeda, past Jinda, hinted KoyaShige and Ryoda
Genre: Angst, Romance, AU
Rating: PG-13
Summary: A story about finding and losing the greatest love, the journey to moving on and taking one last shot for a chance of forever.
Disclaimer: None of the boys are mine although I wish they were. The story is mine to the tiniest detail. If it has resemblance to any actual or fictional events, then they must have stalked me or we just happen to have the same experience.
Warning: unbetaed. It doesn’t follow the JE guys’ actual age.
A/N: There are people who might know what this story is, or at least the gist of it. To those I've already shared this story with, here's the full account--all the boring and teary details of it. To those who will be reading this without any idea what's behind this story, I hope you'll like it. And to those who are reading my fics but don't comment, thank you for reading.
Have you ever asked yourself why you have to go through a certain painful experience? Or am I being punished for all the bad things I've done before? I've asked myself those questions and a lot more five years ago. It was unanswered for sometime but when the answer came, everything fell into place. It finally made sense why those things have to happen.
I don't know how you picked up this journal but if you're reading this, you might be curious as to what its contents right? Nonetheless, it feels weird telling this story to you. I feel like I'm baring my soul to you without having to know who you are. But then again, I’ve decided to write this story, haven’t I? Besides, I'm writing this story not because I know someone will read it but because I have to let it out my head. You see, after five years, I dreamt of him again. I don't know what triggered it. Maybe he was asking if I've forgotten him already. But you don't really forget, right? You just move on. Ahh~~ I'm just on the second paragraph and I'm crying already. I'll get on with the story so that you know what I'm crying about, ne?
I'm Ueda Tatsuya. The year was 2005. I was only 23 and I'm on a training program at my new job. I'm not a very sociable person. I usually just keep to myself and to my books. That's why it surprised me that I'm hanging out with a group of people even outside of work. I met them during the training--Yuichi Nakamaru, Koki Tanaka and Honey Maeda. Yuichi is married with a baby already while Koki and Honey are both single. All four of us hang out together a lot but it was usually Yuichi I am inseparable with.
I went out to lunch with Yuichi and as usual, we were chatting non-stop. As we were waiting for the elevator, I told him about the recent date I had with my boyfriend. I was so engrossed in my own story that I didn't notice there's someone else in the elevator with us. Not until Yuichi greeted him. I shut up feeling embarrassed all of the sudden because I almost told Yuichi about my sex life. I know Yuichi wouldn’t mind but I’m not sure for the other person. To ease the awkward atmosphere, Yuichi introduced us. His name was Shigeaki Kato and he's our sempai. I didn't really give him a second look aside from the polite bow and "Nice to meet you" before I went out the elevator. It wasn’t because he's ugly. I'm just too embarrassed about earlier. That's why Yuichi's comment took me by surprise.
"You got yourself another admirer!" he said clapping my back.
Startled, I turned to him with my big brown eyes. "What the heck are you talking about?"
"Shige. He's totally smitten. Of course you didn't notice. You could be so dense sometimes. But you looking all shy, blushing with your head down, is totally cute. I won't be surprised if he ask you out," Yuichi blabbed.
"Your imagination is going wild again," I said as I shook my head.
I dismissed Yuichi's teasing because that's what he loves to do. But at the back of my mind, I'm trying to recall what Shige looks like. 'Is he cute? I don't really remember.' Those thoughts are forgotten as soon as I've immersed myself back to work.
It was a few months later during a company party when I noticed Shige. Or should I say, started paying more attention to him. I never got a chance to be close to Shige because we're from different teams although we are working in the same department. That didn't stop him from visiting Yuichi though. I noticed that during his breaks, Shige would be teetered on Yuichi's desk yapping about a movie or a book he read. Yuichi will just give him a boring look and let him drone on and on. Yuichi and I sit next to each other so I can't help but overhear what our visitor was talking about. So I've ruled out that he's geeky if not a nerd and crossed his name out of the prospect list although he looks kind of hot with his V-neck shirt. Oh yeah, I've broken up with my boyfriend a few months back because he was cheating on me and didn't even deny it when I confronted him about it. Hence, Ueda Tatsuya is single yet again.
During the year-end party, I'm with my three friends as expected. Honey is sitting next to me clinging like a girlfriend would. I looked at her with my eyebrows hitched and she just smiled at me sweetly.
"What's wrong with you? You've never been this clingy," I asked her as I take a sip from my wine.
"Nothing," she said with a pout. "I'm trying to make my boyfriend jealous."
Koki laughed out loud hearing what she said. “Your boyfriend knows Tatchan. Your plan is a failure.” Irritated, she pulled me to the dance floor. As I was dancing with her, I saw Shige walk towards us. I feel a blush creeping up my cheeks with the way he's looking at me. Shige always dresses up well but he’s exceptionally hot that night and with those intense gaze, anyone he looked at would definitely blush, right? He was a few meters away when a girl pulled him and latched herself onto him. I saw the look of irritation on his face but he’s too polite to push her away. I'm a bit disappointed and pissed, I guess so I turned to Honey as the music turns into a softer tune and danced with her. Throughout the night, I caught myself looking for Shige. I can’t forget the way he looked at me which should have made me feel uneasy but it didn’t. So that night, I dreamt of Shige's intense gaze on me as if he's trying to look into my soul.
Another work week has passed. To celebrate it, my friends and I planned on going out for dinner and some drinks. How Shige got himself invited into that, I have no idea but I can always blame Yuichi for it. We walked out of the building, looking forward to a great night but that night was ruined when I saw the person standing outside our office--Jin, my ex-boyfriend.
I was determined to ignore him and signalled Yuichi to walk faster. But Jin doesn't like being ignored. He ran after me and said, "Tatchan, I'm really sorry. Please come back to me. I love you." And he said that in a voice loud enough for the passersby to hear.
"Have you no shame?" I told him.
"If it means getting you back then I don't mind shouting it out for the world to hear. And I'll continue doing that until you came back to me."
I hated myself because even after months of not seeing him, I still feel that tug on my chest. And knowing those words were enough to make me jumping back in his arms. I hated him for knowing what to say and at myself for being fooled again and again knowing that months later, he would be cheating on me again.
I sighed. "Yuu,” I said with a pleading tone because he hated how Jin can hold me in the palm of his hand. “You guys enjoy the night. I'll see you on Monday."
Yuichi looked at me with exasperation and disappointment and Jin with a mixture of anger and disgust. "I'll call you later and you better be home," he said before turning his heels. I know that tone. He was telling me that I better not be with Jin when he called.
When they continued walking, I turned to Jin feeling Shige's gaze on the back of my head. But Jin isn’t the type of person to talk. It shouldn't have surprised me that I ended up on his bed yet again. I know Jin is a bastard and he only wants me for sex but I love him. Can't say past tense yet because even after all the cheating he'd done, I still forgive him and gave him another chance. But that night, I know that I should put a stop in all these. If I have some little respect for myself and if I want someone to respect me, I won't let him treat me this way. With that resolution, I dressed up and wrote a note saying, "I'm not getting back with you and I don't want to ever see you again." I can just write-off that night as break up sex no matter how lame that sounds.
I walked out his apartment and took a cab home. I didn't notice that I was crying until I’m outside my apartment where I find Shige waiting for me. He didn't say anything and I didn't ask. He just wiped away my tears and helped me get inside my apartment. He held me while I cried and murmured consoling words until I fell asleep.
I woke up the next day, disoriented and with swollen eyes. It was only when I saw the sticky note on my fridge that I remembered Shige was with me last night. ‘I guess that means it wasn’t a dream. But how did he know where I live?’ So I dialed Yuichi's number.
"Moshi moshi," he answered; voice still raspy from sleep.
"Yuu! How did Shige know where I live?"
"Oh, Tatchan. Well, he was too curious last night and we end up telling him everything. He was worried about you and he coerced me to give him your address. I called up last night but he said you’re already sleeping. So how are you?"
"I'm fine, I guess. I broke up with him…” I heard Yuichi snorted on the other line. “It’s for good this time. I don’t really have plans on getting back with him. I already cried it out last night and I think I might have wet Shige's shirt. But I don't want to talk about that anymore. Let's go out and drink tonight. I don't like to stay at home." It was my decision to break up with him but that doesn’t mean it didn’t hurt.
Unfortunately, Yuichi isn't available and so was Koki and Honey. 'Stupid friends all in a relationship when I'm single!' Without anyone to go out with, I made a plan to pig out while having a movie marathon but then, I got a call from an unknown number. It turned out to be Shige and he's asking if I would like to go out for a drink. I would have called Yuichi and nag him about giving away my number but I'm too happy to get out of the house to care.
Shige picked me up in the evening and we went out to eat dinner before going to a bar. If I crossed out Shige's name because I thought he was geeky, that night proved it otherwise. He might be into movies and books but who would have guessed that we like the same things. He's fun to talk to and we covered a lot of topics in just one night. It's good to be with someone who you can talk to.
After that night, Shige and I hang out together often. We eat lunch together and an occasional dinner. He would sometimes join me and my friends during weekend gimmicks. He stopped bugging Yuichi with his talk about books and movies and goes to my cubicle instead, not that I’m complaining.
If I was falling in love with Shige then, I don't know. What I know is that I like spending time with him. I don't like to think that we're dating already but people are starting to make comments that we act like a couple. Confused about my own feelings and still recovering from my recent break up, I distanced myself from Shige and turned down his invitations to go out. It must’ve been obvious that I’m avoiding him and felt bad about it because he started to ignore me. When that happened, I realized how much I missed his company-how much I miss him-but I know it's not fair if I give him false hopes.
“I like you. No. I am in love with you. But I guess pretty people like you have a lot of issues, ne? That's why you're ignoring me now. I don't like how things turned out but I would like it if we could still be friends. Could we meet at Red Crab tomorrow night at 7PM? I'll wait for you.”
Those words were out of his mouth the first thing we saw each other that morning while I’m getting coffee from the pantry. He doesn’t look like he’s angry. More like he’s frustrated and hurt. I feel like reaching out and giving him a hug but he’s already walking out of the room. I feel my heart clench at the thought of having Shige as a friend-just a friend. I was thinking about him the whole day and was so distracted that I end up staying later than usual to catch up on work. I rushed out when I noticed it was almost time to meet Shige. As I was on my way to the restaurant, I felt my phone vibrate.
“Moshi moshi”
“Tatchan…”
“What are you calling me for, Jin? And where did you get my number,” I said recognizing the voice on the other line. Does that mean I still love him? But I don’t feel the familiar butterflies in my stomach when I heard his voice. All I feel was irritation.
“I got it from you cousin. I’m really sorry. Please give me another chance. I promise I won’t cheat on you again.”
“Too late for that because I’ve been burned by your promises countless of times already. Admit it, Jin, you don’t love me. And to be honest, I thought I love you but now I realized I don’t really do. Not if I take the real meaning of the word love. That’s why begging me and harassing me won’t make me come back to you,” I said with finality as I hang up. I can’t believe I said those words and I’m even more surprised that I mean them. Then I remembered one conversation I had with Shige.
‘Can you be in love with love?’ he asked.
‘What do you mean? Like being in love with the idea of being in love without necessarily being in love with the person?’ I replied with slight unease because the topic striked a chord.
‘Yeah. Aren’t there people like that? They wanted to be really in love but can’t find that person to fall in love with. So they take the next best thing. Pretending to be in love to a person who likes you or you think likes you,’ he explained.
‘So how then would you know if it’s the real thing?’
‘I guess they would get confused and pass it off as just enjoying the other’s company. But when that person is not around anymore, then that’s when they realize it?’ he said unsure.
‘I guess so. But I hope if that happens to me, I won’t wait until that person is not around anymore.’
I smiled at the memory. With a new spring on my steps, I hurried towards the restaurant. I found him seated on a corner table playing with his phone.
“I had a call from Jin. He’s asking me back and he promised that he would never cheat on me again,” I said as I sit down in front of him.
He looked up and nodded. “Did the world turn against me again or should I order the best wine?”
“I’m here aren’t I? So what did you think I said?” I said smiling at him. One thing I love about Shige is that we can speak in riddles yet clearly understand each other.
“You should have said the flowers bloomed already,” he finally smiled.
“And the sun will shine brightly tomorrow,” I finished it off and we laughed amiably. You might be confused but that’s the weird way we confessed to each other.
The more I know about Shige, the more I fall in love with him. I never believed in Mr. Right but I could say that Shige matched the qualifications my Mr. Right would have. He adores his family to bits; he’s intelligent, talented, hot, thoughtful and romantic. It’s refreshing to be with someone you can connect with intellectually may it be through random brainstorming or a friendly banter about whatever topic we thought about or even crazy weird ideas that don’t make sense except for us.
There are no dull moments when I’m with Shige. And just when I’m getting complacent that it’s going to be an ordinary day, he has a surprise tucked in one of his sleeves. It could be as simple as a rose or a bento on my desk to an elaborate romantic dinner like the one he pulled a few days before Valentine’s Day of 2006.
I spent the whole day doing household chores one Saturday. Tired of all the work, I fell asleep early in the afternoon. I woke up from the incessant ring of my phone. It was Shige telling me to get dressed and meet him at the Temple Bar and Restaurant at 8pm. Knowing from the tone of his voice he wouldn’t take NO for an answer, I told him I’ll meet him there and prepared for our date.
As expected, there’s a reservation in his name. I was then led to one of the tables and served wine. A few minutes later, the food was served but Shige hasn’t arrived yet and I didn’t order yet. Only when the food was served, the candles are lit and a romantic song was playing in the background that Shige came out from wherever he’s hiding holding a bouquet. I could have cried of happines just from the sight of him. No one has ever treated me this special and I feel my heart swell with so much love for the man in front of me.
Six months into our relationship, Shige got me an apartment close to their home and his friend Tegoshi became my housemate. Tegoshi and I hit it off from the first time Shige introduced us. We get along so well that Shige sometimes gets jealous of Tegoshi but really Tegoshi is just like a younger brother to me.
Since I now live closer to Shige, it’s common that he brings me along when he’s hanging out with his childhood friends. And living with Tegoshi means I get to learn things about Shige that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. That’s how I learned about Koyama. I should have known that there’s no such thing as a perfect relationship.
Before Tegoshi even told me what is Koyama’s connection to Shige is, I already noticed how Shige would steal glances at him when he thought I wasn’t looking. Sometimes those glances linger that I feel like my heart is being stabbed a million times from the look of longing and care Shige has for Koyama. No, Shige wasn’t cheating on me. Koyama was the love he could not have. He had loved Koyama for so long but he was turned down when he confessed. It hurts be because I can sense Shige is still hoping he’d get to be with Koyama. I don’t know if it was my insecurity speaking but that’s how I feel at that time. We’ve had confrontations about it and his answers didn’t satisfy me one bit. Telling me that, “I’m with you, right? Aren’t you content with that?” is not enough to ease my worries and insecurities. I guess that’s why he decided to propose. Truth be told, I don’t remember the proposal. I’m sure it was romantic since it was Shige. All I remember is waking up the following day with the ring on my finger and a naked Shige on my bed.
It seems like things changed for the better after the proposal. Or maybe because I was busy in making plans for the wedding I forgot about my insecurities over Koyama. Since we are a quirky pair, we’ve planned on getting married on a leap year. Yeah, February 29. We thought it would be unique to celebrate wedding anniversaries every four years. That means we have more than a year to prepare for the wedding. For now, I’m looking forward to our anniversary.
We’ve been going out on a lot of romantic dates so I told Shige that we should just spend our anniversary at home. I’m working on a night shift and the next two days are my day-offs so it’s okay if I stay up longer than I usually do. I cooked all his favorite food and even baked a cake. We ate lunch together since he insist that I sleep, worried that I might get sick. I don’t remember what time he got up from the bed saying he has to print out his resume from the internet café. I just mumbled “Take care. I love you” before going back to sleep.
I woke up to Tegoshi and Massu banging at my door.
“What?!” I said still sleepy.
“Tatchan, we have to go to Shige,” they said in unison. Thinking that Shige might be pulling another surprise, I smiled at them.
“Let me just get dressed,” I said as I walk towards the bedroom.
“No! Let’s go! You don’t have to get dressed!” Tegoshi said and pulled me out of the house.
“Where are we going?” I asked Massu as he drove. None of them answered me and they have serious aura around them. I am trying to guess what surprise Shige will do this time since it’s our first year anniversary. I should have known that he can’t pass up the chance to surprise me. But the look on Tegoshi and Massu’s faces wiped the smile from my face and replaced with anxiety especially when we were caught in heavy traffic.
A few minutes later, we stopped in front of Taichi’s house. Shige looks up to Taichi a lot and usually asks him for advices and treats him like a big brother. He greeted me with a tight hug and pulled me to sit on the couch. It’s weird that he was holding my hands so tight but I just dismissed that thought.
“So, why are we here? Where’s Shige?” I asked looking around.
Taichi took a deep breath and looked me in the eye. “You know that Shige is a man of principles. He stands up by his principles no matter what. And we love him that way.”
“What are you trying to tell me?” I’m getting more confused by the minute.
“There was a robbery in the internet café…”
“Oh, so he got in the middle of it?” I said finishing his sentence. That was so Shige. He would definitely help out so that no one would get hurt. He’s good at pacifying people and negotiating things.
Taichi nodded. “And he was shot.”
I calmed myself down but the panic is still bubbling inside. “Then why the hell was I brought here. Let’s go to the hospital, already!”
“Tatchan, he was dead on the spot,” he said with a somber tone.
“You’re kidding right? That can’t be. I have to see for myself,” I said as I was standing up ready to look go to the internet shop.
Taichi pulled me back and locked me in a tight hug. “He was shot in the head at point blank range. There’s nothing they can do to save him,” he whispered to my ear.
It was a good thing that he was hugging me so tight because I felt my leg give out and my head was spinning. I’m telling myself that I’m having a weird dream and I would wake up from this nightmare soon enough. It’s impossible for Shige to be dead. We just ate lunch together and he was just in my bed. I’m sure the mattress is still warm and his scent is still on the pillow.
I can’t cry. I don’t want to cry. That would only make that news true and I don’t want it to be true. Even when they led me to the chapel to offer prayers while waiting for his remains to be ready for the wake, it still doesn’t make sense to me. I was just sitting in the corner recalling everything that happened that day looking for a hint that it would be the last time I would be with him.
I don’t remember how I got home. Maybe Tegoshi brought me because he was sitting on the couch while I talk to my mother on the phone telling her that my fiance died. Surprisingly, I’m still not crying. Tegoshi must have had enough of my silence that he slapped me.
“Don’t hold it in, please,” he said tears streaming down his face. “It’s hard enough to think that my onii-chan is no longer around. But I can’t take it that you’re taking everything so calmly. I’m afraid you’ll do something to hurt yourself. Tatchan, please, just let it out.” He sat back on the couch and cried hard.
Those words made me realize that this is one nightmare I could never wake up from. When my tears fell, I thought they would keep on falling forever. Because for the following week, the only thing I did was cry. They have to force me to eat or sleep because I was nothing but a mess. I would cry when a song was played, when I heard someone said his name or when I remembered something about him. But I would cry the most when I look at my finger and see the ring he gave me. I feel like my heart is being chipped away with every tear that I shed.
Yuichi was beside me most of the time. He was the only one who can force me to eat or sleep. He’s been friends with Shige since college and I know he’s hurting too but he remained strong to put some sense into me. I still remember what Yuichi said when he first visited Shige’s wake.
‘Shige, you’re such a fucking idiot! You promised me that you would never make Tatsuya cry. What’s this? Why did you do this? I am not going to let you rest in peace unless you make sure Tatsuya smiled again. Do you hear that? Even if it means you come back from the dead! Shigeaki, you bastard!’
I could have laughed at Yuichi because what he said didn’t make any sense. But all I can do was cry with him. That was the first and last time Yuichi showed me his tears for Shige.
A couple of days before his funeral, I sent a message to Koyama.
‘We were awkard towards each other, ne? But I don’t hate you. Even though I know that Shige loved you longer and probably deeper. It was my insecurity knowing he can leave me and be with you. But he’s not here anymore and we’re both hurting I’m sure. I don’t want that awkwardness to continue so I hope we can be friends? You can talk to me if you want to and I would do the same.’
I don’t know why I said those words or why I sent the message. But it surprised me that Koyama approached me the next day asking if we could talk. He said he was happy to receive the message and that he was hoping we can be friends. I smiled at him but there’s just one question I have to ask.
“If the circumstances were different, would you have accepted Shige?”
He only answered with a nod. “But I was afraid of what people would say that’s why I turned him down,” he said shyly. “I have an odd request. Can I hug you?”
I was shoked and I do find it weird but instead of answering, I simply opened my arms. He launched himself unto me and hugged me tight. I was surprised when he cried so hard on my shoulder.
“I love him but I was afraid of what people would say. I should have been braver then I would not have this regret,” he said in between sobs and hiccups. “I can’t talk to anyone about it and it’s killing me inside. Thank you.” It’s weird. You don’t usually find the fiance consoling the that-one-love of your fiance. But even so, Koyama and I became friends from that day forward.
On the day of the funeral, I’m already crying from the time the sun rose. They asked me if I would like to give some words for the eulogy but I can’t even make myself stop crying much more speak. Aside from that, what would I say? Remembering our times together is painful and I can’t talk about the future knowing I won’t be sharing it with him anymore. Hearing the nice things people say about Shige made me cry harder.
Despite how much I cried the whole day and no sleep for days, I insisted on going to work. I can’t possibly stay in the apartment that holds so much of our memories together. The furnitures we picked out, how we eat together when he comes over to visit or the bed we shared.
As I enter the office, my supervisor told me that I shouldn’t have reported for work. But I told her that I need something to distract me. I was trying to focus on work when a note was passed to me. It was from my officemate at the next cubicle. It read:
I send my condolences to you. It’s presumptious to say that things will be alright soon but it will. If you need someone to talk to or cry your eyes out, no matter the time and place, let me know, I’m here. I want to see you smile again.
~Nishikido Ryo
A/N: This is just he first part. I'll post the second part in a few days. The second part will focus more on Ryoda.
Originally posted in
pautami on
09.01.2011