FIC: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter 1 / 21 (PG-13)

[paulamcg]

Title: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter One: Sharing Meals with Harry
Author: PaulaMcG
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: (subtly, eventually) Remus/Sirius
Era and universe: Summer and autumn 1996, an alternative world after OotP
Chapter summary: After Sirius’s death, and having returned to England, Remus must first focus on Harry’s basic

Comments

[shimotsuki]

This is a really interesting alternative world after OotP. It addresses some issues that I wish had gotten more attention in the books -- especially the rights of non-human magical creatures, and the fact that Harry's bad decisions did have something to do with Sirius's death. I wouldn't go so far as to say that that was Harry's fault, but it does seem realistic to see him feeling subdued and even guilty about it, more than we really did in HBP.

I also really like the idea of more interaction between Harry and Remus in this version of the world.

I look forward to reading more!

[paulamcg]

Thank you so very very much for reading and commenting. This is such a priceless gift at the beginning of my weekend - makes me believe in fruitful interaction between writers and in some good prospects for the completion and reception of my story. I’ve already enjoyed and admired Out of Sight but postponed commenting and continuing our discussion, because I understood you’d be away

[shimotsuki]

I am indeed away, heh, but I'm hoping I'll have a little fic-writing and/or reading time most days on this trip. Next week may be busier with work stuff, but we'll see.

I wonder if you have an opinion about the title. Can it scare people off? At times I’ve thought that it looks like a title for a parody and that I should rename the completed story in the style of my short story titles.

That's an interesting question. I might need to have read more of the story before I have a specific opinion about the title. But I can see where this one might run a slight risk of being taken for a parody... Unfortunately, titles are always hard for me, so I may not be the best one to ask.

’ll be so happy to continue to post revised chapters here (flocked) when I can hope that you’ll be out there, possibly finding the time to read.

That's wonderful! I hope to have a chance to read Ch 2 soon, and I'll look forward to the rest as well. It's hard to predict how much time I'll have for reading fic, though; there's an event on at metamorfic_moon right now, so

[paulamcg]

Oh, I’ve remembered that you wrote in your journal about something else you were to enjoy before what I mentioned in my wishes for fruitfulness. I hope you’ve had a good time. At least the fact that you’ve read and reviewed fic gives me the impresson that you have felt at home.

Thank you for your comments on the title. I’ll continue to think about it. It might be good to ask also such people’s first impressions of the title who don’t know anything about the fic yet. But I trust you’ll let me know later if you develop a further opinion, or even come up with an alternative.

The way you word your intention to read more makes me feel wonderfully secure in the knowledge that you will - at a pace that suits you, while I understand that special fic events in communities which mean a lot to you require and deserve your primary attention. I have continued to read All Will Be In Order (Ch. 2) and will comment soon. I hope you’ll always have time for fic, as you have a lot to offer.

[kellychambliss]

A very satisfying start. You've developed the characters nicely, particularly the multi-clothed Mrs Figg, who retains all her fun canonical oddity at the same time that you make her more complex and interesting. I like the opening line, too: the oxymoron of cold heat is arresting and catches the reader's interest (or at least, it caught mine!) And there's something touching about tattered Remus and ragged Harry eating together; their feast with Arabella is a nice contrast to the meanness of Petunia. Remus's character works well, too; he's in-character yet more nuanced. He's polite and diffident, yet not a complete push-over. (One of the things I like about his canon self is that he's very likable, but he also has flaws: he's weak at times and unwilling to confront his friends when their actions warrant it. He's got a steely core, though, and you show both aspect here

[paulamcg]

Thank you very very much for your amazing feedback! I’m thrilled that the characterisations work so well for you, and that you’ve found this a satisfying opening. It’s impossible to say what I’m more grateful for: your encouraging praise or your wonderful nit-pickiness. In both of these elements the level of detail is just perfect for my needs

[kellychambliss]

More to come this weekend, but here's just a quick response to your revision. Overall, I like the way it develops, but I have a couple of stylistic questions:

//Remus had felt rather ill for the last few days. Still, he had assured Dumbledore that he was well enough for the trip. He had asked to be appointed for this task, because he was eager to see Harry [add comma after "Harry"]and he believed he was the right person to find out what Harry really needed.

Little had he known until - upon his return from those exhausting travels through the foreign werewolf communities - he had forced the members of the Order to confess that nobody had checked on Harry. As I read it again, I still find this sentence a bit hard to follow. What woud you think of something like this (beginning with the dependent "until" clause)? -- "Until he'd returned from his exhausting travels among the werewolves and forced the Order members to confess their neglect, he'd had no idea that nobody had checked on Harry."They had been so busy with the goblins

[paulamcg]

Thank you so much for your prompt further comments on the second paragraph. On the basis of your wonderful response I’ve now rewritten the paragraph like this:

// Remus had felt rather ill for the last few days. Still, he had assured Dumbledore that he was well enough for the trip. He had asked to be appointed for this task, because he was eager to see Harry, and he believed he was the right person to find out what Harry really needed. Until he had returned from his mission and forced the Order members to confess their neglect, he had had no idea that nobody had checked on Harry. They had been so busy with the goblins that, in spite of their promise to expect frequent reassurances, they had chosen to believe that Harry’s silence meant he had nothing to complain about. Only an alarming letter had finally made Dumbledore himself consult Remus. He had realised that he was too weak to apparate from such a distance, though

[meghan70]

i read this a few days ago and forgot to comment. seeing leochi's art for your drabble made me realise i was amiss.

this is a nice alternative to HBP. the biggest complaint i have about the books is that the friendship between remus and harry seemed to grow more distant after sirius' death. it makes sense in a way since remus tends to put people at a distance. still, i'd hoped for a closer relationship between him and harry. i really liked the conductor on the bus and his kindness. that small gesture meant so much to remus, reinforcing that he has much gratitude to those who treat him well.

i'm looking forward to reading more, though it takes me a couple of days to fully absorb myself in a fic.

[paulamcg]

Oh, I’m thrilled you’ve started to read this story, and thank you so much for coming to post such lovely feedback!

It’s reassuring to hear that this can work as a satisfying alternative to HBP. I was disappointed with Remus’s small role and the few words he said to Harry (like “How are you?”) as soon as in OotP, and I realised that in order to see more of my favourite character and to know him in more depth and dimensions I needed to narrate his life from his own perspective. His closeness with Harry does not always develop smoothly in this story either, and we won’t see him interact with Harry in every chapter, but the relationship will develop

[paulamcg]

Thank you so much for reading and commenting! I’m thrilled my descriptions work for you so well, and that my Mrs Figg, too, appeals to you. I’ve sometimes wondered whether I’m too fond of writing about poverty, so it’s reassuring that those shared experiences (you refer to) seem to serve their purpose in this chapter.

Above all, you’ve made my day by letting me know that this opening has left you interested in reading more. Thank you again for your lovely comment.

Fest Bijoux

[pingback_bot]

User kellychambliss referenced to your post from Fest Bijoux saying: [...] and a Minerva who simply scorches. Some non-fest recs: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures [...]