FIC: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter 1 / 21 (PG-13)

[paulamcg]

Title: Remus Lupin and the Revolt of the Creatures, Chapter One: Sharing Meals with Harry
Author: PaulaMcG
Rating: PG-13
Pairing: (subtly, eventually) Remus/Sirius
Era and universe: Summer and autumn 1996, an alternative world after OotP
Chapter summary: After Sirius’s death, and having returned to England, Remus must first focus on Harry’s basic

Comments

[paulamcg]

Thank you so much for your prompt further comments on the second paragraph. On the basis of your wonderful response I’ve now rewritten the paragraph like this:

// Remus had felt rather ill for the last few days. Still, he had assured Dumbledore that he was well enough for the trip. He had asked to be appointed for this task, because he was eager to see Harry, and he believed he was the right person to find out what Harry really needed. Until he had returned from his mission and forced the Order members to confess their neglect, he had had no idea that nobody had checked on Harry. They had been so busy with the goblins that, in spite of their promise to expect frequent reassurances, they had chosen to believe that Harry’s silence meant he had nothing to complain about. Only an alarming letter had finally made Dumbledore himself consult Remus. He had realised that he was too weak to apparate from such a distance, though. //

I use contractions only in dialogue. Do you think it’s all right? And perhaps it’s not necessary to say more about Remus’s mission yet. Otherwise I’d like to mention foreign werewolf communities (and in that case, would something like “the exhausting travels from one foreign werewolf community to another” be better than my original wording”?), because “among werewolves” could reinforce the readers’ preconception that it’s been like in HBP: staying among werewolves in Britain. Finally, is it all right to place the “in spite of” clause like this, after “that”?

I’m afraid there’s a lot more that could be improved stylistically in this chapter. But the tightness and clarity of this paragraph must be crucial.

Your help with and interest in this stoy - as well as your kind words elsewhere (while I feel ever further from hopeful) - mean a lot to me. Thank you again.