So Not Cool
Ok so I've been studying a lot of accounting today, probably not as much as I should but theres only so much i can do before I freak out. Hopefully tomorrow will go ok, I'll just have to wait and see i guess.
Ok I was pretty harsh on a few girls in my last entry and i'm sorry about that, its just really tough for me to deal with because i just have no one and i feel like i never will. And maybe I won't, maybe thats just the way its supposed to be for me. Maybe i'm supposed to go through my life however long it may end up being just alone and if so thats cool, ok not cool but I could deal with it if I just knew. Life is a really funny thing when u think about it and this is prob the wrong time to be thinking about this cuz i should be studying...but i mean we live and we die, some of us accomplish real things and others don't, and who says what u become its not u because then everyone would accomplish their goals. And this just makes me question God again u know the whole idea of being unhappy, and killing urself, and just shitty lives why would that happen if there was some almighty god...i dunno but whatever. I just need to work on changing my life, i just think that maybe if i could understand life maybe I could be happy.
I should really be studying right now but I have so much going through my head that I really can't. I miss my lil sis so much and I can't wait to see her, hopefully next week if she has time for me, she barely ever does but she has school and swimming and her boyfriend, shes busy....I guess coming like 7th or 8th on her list of priorities is pretty good, I mean at least I'm on it. And I wanna see my friends too cuz its been a while ya know even though they all go back pretty much like a week after christmas which sucks, but there will still be some people around. Over break I need to hang out with Ryan and Katelyn, and Katie, Janine and Colleen; even though thats been really tough lately...They have made this semester pretty decent for the most part and since they all live basically around the area of my other friends I should be able to see them. I am gonna miss Echo a lot even though i don't get to see her much, but shes a very busy person so I understand. I'm also gonna miss Rachel cuz we just started talking again and then of course we have to go to break just as that happens. I have a feeling shes gettin a lil sick of me again though, i tend to be a bit overbearing...I think Caitlin probably feels the same way, but thats because I never get to hang out with them so I tend to try to make up for it online. Which apparently isn't the greatest idea. Well hopefully since Bob will be working next semester and not at school maybe he'll find some time to come for a visit, thatd be cool. There is one person I am nervous to see though, cuz I honestly have no clue what to say to her anymore because I still have feelings that I've had for almost 2 yrs now and i dunno what to do.
It sucks that I have to go live with my Dad now, I mean I love him and all but its not a great living environment but there was also no way in hell, short of getting a car that I would go live my mother and her boyfriend who honestly is a nice guy but not good enough for my mother, she deserves better. Hopefully by next summer I can get a place off campus around here and I'll just be able to live there year round.
Ok just so anyone who reads this know I'm basically going to have no access to the internet over winter break so ur gonna have to call me if ur gonna need to talk to me, not that anyone ever needs me for anything or calls me....wait a sec, geez u people need to call me more. I mean I'll try to call people but I won't be able to call everyone so u'll have to call me, u have my cell number or at least u should and my dad's house number is 978-927-2377, just in case u need to get a hold of me at anytime.
Ok I was pretty harsh on a few girls in my last entry and i'm sorry about that, its just really tough for me to deal with because i just have no one and i feel like i never will. And maybe I won't, maybe thats just the way its supposed to be for me. Maybe i'm supposed to go through my life however long it may end up being just alone and if so thats cool, ok not cool but I could deal with it if I just knew. Life is a really funny thing when u think about it and this is prob the wrong time to be thinking about this cuz i should be studying...but i mean we live and we die, some of us accomplish real things and others don't, and who says what u become its not u because then everyone would accomplish their goals. And this just makes me question God again u know the whole idea of being unhappy, and killing urself, and just shitty lives why would that happen if there was some almighty god...i dunno but whatever. I just need to work on changing my life, i just think that maybe if i could understand life maybe I could be happy.
I should really be studying right now but I have so much going through my head that I really can't. I miss my lil sis so much and I can't wait to see her, hopefully next week if she has time for me, she barely ever does but she has school and swimming and her boyfriend, shes busy....I guess coming like 7th or 8th on her list of priorities is pretty good, I mean at least I'm on it. And I wanna see my friends too cuz its been a while ya know even though they all go back pretty much like a week after christmas which sucks, but there will still be some people around. Over break I need to hang out with Ryan and Katelyn, and Katie, Janine and Colleen; even though thats been really tough lately...They have made this semester pretty decent for the most part and since they all live basically around the area of my other friends I should be able to see them. I am gonna miss Echo a lot even though i don't get to see her much, but shes a very busy person so I understand. I'm also gonna miss Rachel cuz we just started talking again and then of course we have to go to break just as that happens. I have a feeling shes gettin a lil sick of me again though, i tend to be a bit overbearing...I think Caitlin probably feels the same way, but thats because I never get to hang out with them so I tend to try to make up for it online. Which apparently isn't the greatest idea. Well hopefully since Bob will be working next semester and not at school maybe he'll find some time to come for a visit, thatd be cool. There is one person I am nervous to see though, cuz I honestly have no clue what to say to her anymore because I still have feelings that I've had for almost 2 yrs now and i dunno what to do.
It sucks that I have to go live with my Dad now, I mean I love him and all but its not a great living environment but there was also no way in hell, short of getting a car that I would go live my mother and her boyfriend who honestly is a nice guy but not good enough for my mother, she deserves better. Hopefully by next summer I can get a place off campus around here and I'll just be able to live there year round.
Ok just so anyone who reads this know I'm basically going to have no access to the internet over winter break so ur gonna have to call me if ur gonna need to talk to me, not that anyone ever needs me for anything or calls me....wait a sec, geez u people need to call me more. I mean I'll try to call people but I won't be able to call everyone so u'll have to call me, u have my cell number or at least u should and my dad's house number is 978-927-2377, just in case u need to get a hold of me at anytime.