Revisiting
Who was the one that got away?
He reckoned that for many people the loud bang of doors slamming shut behind them would have some significance. Would mean the ending of a period in their life and signal the start of an entirely new chapter. A rather ominous one as well.
But for him the sound didn't mean anything - not anymore. He was more than used to doors closing behind them and knowing that it didn't matter what he would do: he wasn't getting out anyway. All it did was remind him of the fact that he needed to remember to focus on his breathing. Focus on him and not worry about what was going to happen to him. Because it didn't matter: he wouldn't be able to keep it from happening.
"Koster? You have a visitor." A gruff voice sounded from behind him.
Patrick turned his head and even if he'd tried he wouldn't be able to stop the little jolt of excitement that ran through him. Because without asking he knew who that visitor was - not like there was anyone else who cared - and the mere fact that he was here was more than enough.
He took another deep breath and followed the guard that would lead him to the one person he wanted, needed, to see right now.
~
He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, staring at the door long after the man had left. He should have seen this coming, should have expected it - but he hadn't. Not once had he imagined that what he'd done would be a reason for Brendan to walk away.
His eyes closed and he took a deep breath, knowing he couldn't afford to break down, not here, not now. Cursing silently at himself for his inability to answer Brendan's questions: he'd thought Brendan would understand. Had expected the one person who actually loved him to understand he'd needed to do this, that he'd had no choice.
The one reason for not falling apart the minute the jury delivered their verdict, that reason was gone. No longer able to focus on his breathing, Patrick blinked his eyes open again and glanced at the door once more and shook his head.
And now there truly was no more reason to worry about what was going to happen to him. No matter what happened, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.
He reckoned that for many people the loud bang of doors slamming shut behind them would have some significance. Would mean the ending of a period in their life and signal the start of an entirely new chapter. A rather ominous one as well.
But for him the sound didn't mean anything - not anymore. He was more than used to doors closing behind them and knowing that it didn't matter what he would do: he wasn't getting out anyway. All it did was remind him of the fact that he needed to remember to focus on his breathing. Focus on him and not worry about what was going to happen to him. Because it didn't matter: he wouldn't be able to keep it from happening.
"Koster? You have a visitor." A gruff voice sounded from behind him.
Patrick turned his head and even if he'd tried he wouldn't be able to stop the little jolt of excitement that ran through him. Because without asking he knew who that visitor was - not like there was anyone else who cared - and the mere fact that he was here was more than enough.
He took another deep breath and followed the guard that would lead him to the one person he wanted, needed, to see right now.
~
He didn't know how long he'd been sitting there, staring at the door long after the man had left. He should have seen this coming, should have expected it - but he hadn't. Not once had he imagined that what he'd done would be a reason for Brendan to walk away.
His eyes closed and he took a deep breath, knowing he couldn't afford to break down, not here, not now. Cursing silently at himself for his inability to answer Brendan's questions: he'd thought Brendan would understand. Had expected the one person who actually loved him to understand he'd needed to do this, that he'd had no choice.
The one reason for not falling apart the minute the jury delivered their verdict, that reason was gone. No longer able to focus on his breathing, Patrick blinked his eyes open again and glanced at the door once more and shook his head.
And now there truly was no more reason to worry about what was going to happen to him. No matter what happened, it didn't matter. Nothing mattered anymore.