Love
Love was never supposed to be easy. That's what seperates it from fucking around. Or flirting or stupid little random fun.
Love is all about compromise and willing to go against bullshit because the relationship and the other person is worth. And when it isn't, it isn't love. There isn't love. And with all that I am, I would be willing to, if I knew I will meet you half the way. If I knew there was something worth I was working my ass for.
So the ride has stopped being fun and it's work and thinking things twice. And you know what? As much as you selfishly rip my heart out, I couldn't find a better person to get stuck in the middle with. But it just wouldn't be worth it if I ended up jumping and killing my self for the sake of my sanity out of the hill. Yeah I know that's how you feel. Cause that's how I feel. Unlike you, I have empathy. I don't need to see you the whole day, as long as you come home to me. I don't need you to come home to me, if I've seen you all day. But no. Not for you. You'll see me when it's good for you. And if that's the case, I don't see a reason to tie myself to a chariot that will never move.
Tonight I had fun. I had fun and forgot about you. Not completely, because that's the only thing that kept me from being a total asshole. I almost asked a girl out to come home with me. I almost chased another girl to another bar. I almost made out with some girl in some dark room. I almost had a threesome with some people in my apartment. I almost at least slept with someone other than you. And that big whole thin minus the almost isn't a very big thing but it draws the line where I shouldn't.
I think about you constantly and you're in every part of my plan. And it hurts when I'm not. It's not fair. It's not fair. It's not fair. You rape me of my time. You take away what I ask for to keep me drunk off life. You drive my morals and sanity to a test.
You want me. Regardless if you didn't ask me out on my birthday. I wanted you three years ago. I wanted you this summer. I want you now. Nothing's changed. These little fights when I would charge when I should sit. And where you run when you should sit, becomes an escalated emotional suicide. Maybe I shouldn't second guess everything. Maybe I shouldn't think you're saying something mean when I just misheard you. Maybe I should think more highly of myself. But also maybe you need to be reminded the whole world doesn't mean shit to me when I don't have anyone to share it with. Maybe you need to rememeber what it was like for two weeks when I missed you so much and all I wanted was to buy a ticket to go home early. Maybe you should be reminded how desperate we fought for trying to get a trip to go back to Buffalo instead of spending a night in NYC-- another night away from you. Because I remember that every night when I'm not with you. It's like, why did we want that so bad when right now you don't even want me? And you know what, I know that when we break up, it will be that feeling haunting me forever. And do I really want to add you with the rest of the things that I try to bottle up and cry at? I don't think so, cause I will always remember how you made it go away and how you made me feel better.
So yeah, it's not the summer. It's not the easiest to deal with these days. But don't ignore all the things we came through. I got over Rosie working with you at the YCenter. I got over with John wanting to have sex with you everytime he hangs out with you. I got over that Kay2x will never be my baby but yours and Rosie. We got over the accident. We got through court. My mom adores you. For the first time, I can actually see my future minus the bridge on how to get there. But I know what I want in the long run. Don't you think about that?
Or am I still the unchanged sensitive asshole?
I said this before: you got your heart broken. I'm sorry. I wish you had my heart first. I wish I had your heart first. I'm sure there are a whole bunch of married people who wish the person they're spending their lives with were the person they first fell in love with. I'm sure a whole bunch of remarried people wish that they were married to only one person and the person that they loved right. You don't need to give up on us.
You don't need to give up on love in general.
Stop digging yourself a hole. Get out. Face reality. Stop turning your back on it. Running away from it. Hiding under the covers wishing it would go away.
Get the fuck out. Work for the best. Hope for the best.
I'm exhausted.
I love you. But I can't keep putting my heart out for someone who's:
1. Unsure about the concept of love.
2. Who runs away about the smallest cracks.
3. Who self prophecizes their relationships. They believe in bullsit happening that they manifest it to the point that it is crap.
4. That doesn't give me what I need.
5. That refuses to talk to me when they can't handle it.
6. Who doesn't understand where I'm coming from while I sit and I do and I'm trying to come up with a solution that isn't the best for me nor for you, but as a compromise.
7. Who doesn't chase me when I need to be pulled back to understand.
8. Who just believes there's no way out but to run away and hope for it to go away.
You twist my gut just about enough
You've raped my sanity to the point I have none to keep
You lack the capacity to love more than one person- yourself
You are watching me slip away from you.
If it hasn't been that clear enough,
I need you,
I need you to wake up to without kickin my head open
I need you to bed with where I don't have to drive myself to work and party hard
I need you to run after me and and hold me down
I need you to want me
I need a love I can fight for,
And I need a love that would fight for me.
"One shouldn't be too hard on oneself when the object of one's affection returns the favor with rather less enthusiasm than one might have hoped. "
Call me when you're ready. I don't see why a perfectly good happy drive needs to be thrown away just because you refuse to feel my pain. I don't see why a perfectly good dream is tossed out just because you refuse to face reality.