And I Must Spork: Maradonia, Part III
Welcome to a late night/early morning edition of the Maradonia Sporkings. I have four chapters to get through today, so let's not waste time. Let's kick this pig.
CHAPTER FIVE - NO TRESSPASSING
That misspelling is Gloria's, ladies and gentlemen, not mine. Anyways, so Maya finds Joey, and he's looking at a rusted fence. The sign reads:
"No Trespassing! Government Owned Property! Violators Will Be Prosecuted!"
Sounds like a massive Do Not Want to me, but wait. We're with Joey. Dumbass, dickweed Joey.
"Let's go there" Joey finally said.
"Yeah, how?" Maya asked sarcastically.
"Over the tree, dumb shit!" he replied back.
Woah! Out of flippin' nowhere, a curse word! Did she really write this when she was 13? Well, I guess it is a Precision F Strike, in a sense... \~/ for the hell of it.
Anyway, Maya tell him no and to get back as he gets over the fence using a tree that had fallen over onto it. Of course, his reply is eloquent and well thought out.
"Shut up and get yo' ass over the damn fence!"
And this is one of the good guys. Just keep that in mind.
After that, very little is to note about this chapter. Our "heroes" walk around for about an hour and a half, finding nothing. Then Maya and Joey get separated and Maya comes across her doves once more. And then Maya finds a dark cave, calling for Joey. Of course, when he appears, he scares the shit out of her. Because Joey is a dick. They both agree to return to the cave tomorrow, Maya looking for birds on the way out.
Thus the chapter ends. For such a massive plot point, it could have been done so much better.
Drink count: 1
CHAPTER SIX - FRIDAY MORNING
Apologies for the quality of this pic; not sure why it's so uber dark. Anyway.
Maya and Joey are all buddy-buddy again as they prepare for their amazing cave adventure, and Maya doesn't know what to pack. Joey suggests an extra pair of clothes. But why?
"Why do I need an extra pair of clothes? I'm not gonna stay in that cave for days".
"You never know what can happen", Joey said, "Maybe something 'big' will happen and if we are not prepared, we might be in trouble or maybe we find some treasures or underwater rivers. Who knows where this adventure can lead us?"
Two drinks~ \~/\~/ Wait... underwater rivers? That doesn't even make sense, gah.
After Maya packs extra clothes and a flashlight, Joey says the following:
"Believe me, Maya; I have everything we need and... also a couple of extra things. Let's go!"
Two more drinks. \~/\~/ Why is that italicized? It doesn't need to be. At all. Arggggh.
One quick goodbye to their parents, and they were off! Once again, Maya's fashion sense is illustrated via description, which is as boring as it is useless. When they finally entered the cave again, I hoped for something to happen, but of course it didn't.
The rest of this boring chapter passes with Maya seeing her good buddies the doves again, which of course Joey doesn't notice. More cave! Flashlights! Stalagmites!
...Stop boring me, Maradonia. Goddamn.
Drink count: 4
CHAPTER SEVEN - THE STALAGMITE STATUE
Hm, this looks familiar... Eh, must be my imagination. Right?
Back on topic...
Par the course, we start this chapter off with things that don't make any sense.
It was exciting and beautiful but it was also very frightening. Joeys was totally in "awe" and he spoke all the time about some treasures of the pirates and that he wanted to find the doors to a secret chamber.
'Joeys' is not my typo; it's like that in the book. Drink for that, plus the Random Quotation Marks. \~/\~/ (No, not bothering with the TM anymore.) I guess a cave can be frightening for a 15 and 14 year old, but... I dunno. I guess I'm waiting for the lulz and they just won't come.
Moving on, the next page is almost all about Maya and Joey talking about the differences between stalactites and stalagmites. But then suddenly a bright light coming from a crack in the ceiling! So bright it made Maya and Joey shield their eyes!
It's called the sun, you twats.
When Maya opened her eyes again it seemed to her that she saw a blue glass 'stalagmite statue' in the form of 'a woman with a fish tail'. This statue was placed on a large stalagmite fountain.
Drinks first. \~/\~/\~/ Now, there is a term for the creature you just described, Gloria. Mermaid. Seriously. That's what it's called. Were you already so fearful of copyrights with that art your mom did that you decided not to even utter the proper word? I doubt it, since you were 13 when you wrote this. Also, if the statue was a stalagmite, how can it also be blue glass? That makes no sense. Plus, I am having trouble imagining a stalagmite fountain... Anyone? Bueller?
Joey then decides to do what he does best - act like a dumb fuck.
Joey yelled, "This could make me rich! I told you so that we will find a treasure, a chamber or a door to the 'unknown'!"
Driiiink. \~/ If you've been reading along this whole time, you can pretty much guess where this is heading.
Joey takes the statue. He breaks it off from its base. And then the ground starts shaking. Do these kids not watch Indiana Jones at all?! I saw this coming!
Anyway, the wall crumbles enough to make a hole big enough for Maya and Joey to get through. What, no snakes? (Don't worry; we'll have more than our fair share later on.)
But the crumbling keeps going, and Maya finally tells Joey to stop being a dumbass and put the statue back. He does, which of course, stops the shaking. And as usual, Maya looks away for two seconds, and when she looks back, Joey is gone. Again.
Joey is only good for three things: being a total dick, being too dumb to live, or disappearing without a fucking word. Again: this is one of the heroes.
Jesus Mary and fucking Joseph. Three more chapters...
Chapter drinks: 6
CHAPTER EIGHT - EYES, EARS AND VOICES
Oooh. Psychedelic.
Sorry. Where were we? Oh yeah, Joey's a douche.
So Maya leaves the cave and finds Joey. Shock, they're not on the beach anymore. Instead, they're in a "prehistoric landscape" with loads of trees and plants.
As Maya tries to not be confused, she suddenly hears a voice asking why she wants to step on them. She thinks it's Joey, but it's not. It's a grasshopper.
"This must be a special kind of grasshopper," said Joey, "maybe 'the ones who can speak'!"
... Drink, because I can't even. \~/ Like I said: too dumb to live.
Maya thinks Joey is playing a trick. Yeah, no, sorry dear.
The grasshopper continued "Did you not hear what I said?
Every living creature in this world has a soul and everything what lives has eyes, ears and a voice!"
LOLOL \~/ No, that 'what' is not a typo. The phrase was typed earlier that exact same way.
So Maya finally realizes they have entered a mysterious, wondrous place.
Joy. :|
Drink count: 2
Drinks this installment: 13
Total drinks this spork: 55
Ugh... I originally meant to do six chapters, but I just don't have it in me. Sporkings will resume either Thursday night or Friday, depending. I'm going to go to bed now, because it's 2 AM and I need to die. Seriously.
CHAPTER FIVE - NO TRESSPASSING
That misspelling is Gloria's, ladies and gentlemen, not mine. Anyways, so Maya finds Joey, and he's looking at a rusted fence. The sign reads:
"No Trespassing! Government Owned Property! Violators Will Be Prosecuted!"
Sounds like a massive Do Not Want to me, but wait. We're with Joey. Dumbass, dickweed Joey.
"Let's go there" Joey finally said.
"Yeah, how?" Maya asked sarcastically.
"Over the tree, dumb shit!" he replied back.
Woah! Out of flippin' nowhere, a curse word! Did she really write this when she was 13? Well, I guess it is a Precision F Strike, in a sense... \~/ for the hell of it.
Anyway, Maya tell him no and to get back as he gets over the fence using a tree that had fallen over onto it. Of course, his reply is eloquent and well thought out.
"Shut up and get yo' ass over the damn fence!"
And this is one of the good guys. Just keep that in mind.
After that, very little is to note about this chapter. Our "heroes" walk around for about an hour and a half, finding nothing. Then Maya and Joey get separated and Maya comes across her doves once more. And then Maya finds a dark cave, calling for Joey. Of course, when he appears, he scares the shit out of her. Because Joey is a dick. They both agree to return to the cave tomorrow, Maya looking for birds on the way out.
Thus the chapter ends. For such a massive plot point, it could have been done so much better.
Drink count: 1
CHAPTER SIX - FRIDAY MORNING
Apologies for the quality of this pic; not sure why it's so uber dark. Anyway.
Maya and Joey are all buddy-buddy again as they prepare for their amazing cave adventure, and Maya doesn't know what to pack. Joey suggests an extra pair of clothes. But why?
"Why do I need an extra pair of clothes? I'm not gonna stay in that cave for days".
"You never know what can happen", Joey said, "Maybe something 'big' will happen and if we are not prepared, we might be in trouble or maybe we find some treasures or underwater rivers. Who knows where this adventure can lead us?"
Two drinks~ \~/\~/ Wait... underwater rivers? That doesn't even make sense, gah.
After Maya packs extra clothes and a flashlight, Joey says the following:
"Believe me, Maya; I have everything we need and... also a couple of extra things. Let's go!"
Two more drinks. \~/\~/ Why is that italicized? It doesn't need to be. At all. Arggggh.
One quick goodbye to their parents, and they were off! Once again, Maya's fashion sense is illustrated via description, which is as boring as it is useless. When they finally entered the cave again, I hoped for something to happen, but of course it didn't.
The rest of this boring chapter passes with Maya seeing her good buddies the doves again, which of course Joey doesn't notice. More cave! Flashlights! Stalagmites!
...Stop boring me, Maradonia. Goddamn.
Drink count: 4
CHAPTER SEVEN - THE STALAGMITE STATUE
Hm, this looks familiar... Eh, must be my imagination. Right?
Back on topic...
Par the course, we start this chapter off with things that don't make any sense.
It was exciting and beautiful but it was also very frightening. Joeys was totally in "awe" and he spoke all the time about some treasures of the pirates and that he wanted to find the doors to a secret chamber.
'Joeys' is not my typo; it's like that in the book. Drink for that, plus the Random Quotation Marks. \~/\~/ (No, not bothering with the TM anymore.) I guess a cave can be frightening for a 15 and 14 year old, but... I dunno. I guess I'm waiting for the lulz and they just won't come.
Moving on, the next page is almost all about Maya and Joey talking about the differences between stalactites and stalagmites. But then suddenly a bright light coming from a crack in the ceiling! So bright it made Maya and Joey shield their eyes!
It's called the sun, you twats.
When Maya opened her eyes again it seemed to her that she saw a blue glass 'stalagmite statue' in the form of 'a woman with a fish tail'. This statue was placed on a large stalagmite fountain.
Drinks first. \~/\~/\~/ Now, there is a term for the creature you just described, Gloria. Mermaid. Seriously. That's what it's called. Were you already so fearful of copyrights with that art your mom did that you decided not to even utter the proper word? I doubt it, since you were 13 when you wrote this. Also, if the statue was a stalagmite, how can it also be blue glass? That makes no sense. Plus, I am having trouble imagining a stalagmite fountain... Anyone? Bueller?
Joey then decides to do what he does best - act like a dumb fuck.
Joey yelled, "This could make me rich! I told you so that we will find a treasure, a chamber or a door to the 'unknown'!"
Driiiink. \~/ If you've been reading along this whole time, you can pretty much guess where this is heading.
Joey takes the statue. He breaks it off from its base. And then the ground starts shaking. Do these kids not watch Indiana Jones at all?! I saw this coming!
Anyway, the wall crumbles enough to make a hole big enough for Maya and Joey to get through. What, no snakes? (Don't worry; we'll have more than our fair share later on.)
But the crumbling keeps going, and Maya finally tells Joey to stop being a dumbass and put the statue back. He does, which of course, stops the shaking. And as usual, Maya looks away for two seconds, and when she looks back, Joey is gone. Again.
Joey is only good for three things: being a total dick, being too dumb to live, or disappearing without a fucking word. Again: this is one of the heroes.
Jesus Mary and fucking Joseph. Three more chapters...
Chapter drinks: 6
CHAPTER EIGHT - EYES, EARS AND VOICES
Oooh. Psychedelic.
Sorry. Where were we? Oh yeah, Joey's a douche.
So Maya leaves the cave and finds Joey. Shock, they're not on the beach anymore. Instead, they're in a "prehistoric landscape" with loads of trees and plants.
As Maya tries to not be confused, she suddenly hears a voice asking why she wants to step on them. She thinks it's Joey, but it's not. It's a grasshopper.
"This must be a special kind of grasshopper," said Joey, "maybe 'the ones who can speak'!"
... Drink, because I can't even. \~/ Like I said: too dumb to live.
Maya thinks Joey is playing a trick. Yeah, no, sorry dear.
The grasshopper continued "Did you not hear what I said?
Every living creature in this world has a soul and everything what lives has eyes, ears and a voice!"
LOLOL \~/ No, that 'what' is not a typo. The phrase was typed earlier that exact same way.
So Maya finally realizes they have entered a mysterious, wondrous place.
Joy. :|
Drink count: 2
Drinks this installment: 13
Total drinks this spork: 55
Ugh... I originally meant to do six chapters, but I just don't have it in me. Sporkings will resume either Thursday night or Friday, depending. I'm going to go to bed now, because it's 2 AM and I need to die. Seriously.