you made me believe in humanity
you made me believe in humanity
you made me believe that there is goodness, that all the cliched beliefs of humanity is wrong, they do not apply to everyone. the way you touched me, the way you cared about how i felt, when you wanted to make ME feel things. the way you could put other people's needs before yourself, the way your goodness radiates, the way you stand fr purity. you turned my whole world around with those qualities. you made me feel comfortable enough, safe enough to be half naked in your presence. you made me completely ok with the flaws that i see about my body. i've never had that before. i knew youd love me regardless of what i looked like, but then.... i wasnt sure if you'd still love me if you knew the kind of person that i have bursting underneath my guard. i dont think you can handle her...
when you asked me yesterday "what went wrong?" and i told you i couldn't pinpoint what it was, i wish i couldve also told you how i had begun to cry after every time i saw you for at least a month before we ended things. i dont want to blame you though, i don't want you to feel like youre a failure. i know you couldve done so many things differently, but you didnt know any better. and i also couldve done so many things differently.
i know that i still wish we could talk about things and sort it out. i still wish you could tell me all the things you feel and for us to finally understand each other and then, you'll reach out and hold me, and then everything would be ok.
but that's not possible now. i've reached too many conclusions, i know too much about who you are, what you are. none of it is bad, it's just not right for me.and i cant - no, i dont WANT to ask you to change. becuase this is who you are and you deserve to have someone who can love you and be with you for everything that you are. i love you for your heart, i loved you so much for it, but everything else, all the little things, i had never been able to. someone one day will be able to come along, and she'd make you so comfortable that you'd be able to tell her things, the way you couldn't with me. she'd know just what to do, what to say to make you feel safe enough to tell her the things in your heart, i hate that i couldnt be her, but in the end, i am who i am, and i cant change that.
i ache thinking about all this past year. and it all feels so surreal. i feel like this last year didnt even exist. all i have left is who i was before we were together. i'm back there again, all the way back in the beginning. and i'm still alone. i'm still searching, and im still empty.
i wish i didnt feel alone while i was with you. i wish i could love you in the way i know i can love. but i didnt want to force it. i wanted to love you becuase i loved you, not only because i chose to. i want to feel like im invincible when i want to do something for you. i wanted to love you so much that my heart aches. i wanted to love you so much taht i'd be willing to sacrifice everything for you. i want to feel passionate about how i feel. but i had none of that. i dont know why. i know i may have been scared...
or maybe, we're just not as right as we once thought.