cloudy with a chance of balls
Title: Cloudy with a chance of balls
Pairing: Suho/Kai
Rating: R (no sexual situations; just mentions of genitalia \o/)
Length: 3k
Summary: Joonmyun is an enthusiastic weatherman at EXO news, which unbeknownst to him, will soon undergo a transformation into EXO Naked News.
first i saw this picture, which quickly escalated into a series of tweets that i later expanded into this.
The rumours of a company takeover has been rife lately. Joonmyun has heard snippets of it over lunch, while he’s unpacking his salmon and cream cheese sandwich (low fat, high in protein and delicious to boot!). Baekhyun the sound technician drops into his seat, his tray of what seems to be a charred burger and a side of coleslaw clattering noisily and almost tipping over. “It’s confirmed,” he breathes out, eyes shining.
Joonmyun calmly spreads out some paper towels on his lap, just in case the crumbs fall onto his neatly pressed slacks, and ignores Baekhyun. Mother always did say that wagging tongues are only for the uneducated. Not that Baekhyun is lacking on the education front. Apparently the boy started off with a chemical engineering degree before deciding that the lab life wasn’t for him and switched to audio engineering instead.
Lu Han, who works for the lifestyle section, leans forward, naturally interested. “Is it a change of management? Are we being bought over? Are there layoffs? Will I finally get my 30 days of paid leave so I can go to Hawaii with Minseok?”
“Okay, first of all, no one will give you 30 days of paid vacation time,” Kyungsoo reminds him matter-of-factly, not even looking up from where he is editing the script for Lu Han’s upcoming segment about the popularity of cat cafes. “Secondly, Minseok looks terrified right now. I doubt he’ll go with you.”
Minseok looks positively mortified and tries to hide behind his clapboard, body squirming and sliding lower and lower down his chair.
“Nonsense!” Lu Han snaps, hooking an arm around Minseok’s neck, jerking him back up into an upright position. Minseok lets out a squeak and cowers more.
If this was in a normal working environment, the interactions between Lu Han and Minseok, who are part of the film crew, could be seen as sexual harassment. But the small tight-knit family at EXO News have known each other since the start-up of the news station, when the station was but a small weekly session that only aired on college networks. Besides, for all that he protests, Minseok never seems to mind so much. Sometimes, on the rare days that Lu Han is sent for an outside shoot and misses his daily lunch appointment with Minseok, Minseok always refuses to eat with the rest of the team, preferring to eat at his desk and stare forlornly at Lu Han’s empty desk.
Joonmyun polishes off the last of his sandwich and gingerly wipes his fingers on a paper towel, using a small corner to dab at the side of his mouth. He stands ups and adjusts his lilac tie. “Bye guys,” he says brightly, “things to prepare for! So busy! It’s the start of a new, beautiful day!”
“All he has to do is say a variation of the same thing,” Zitao the politics commentator grumbles. “I have to stay up-to-date with every new legislation and scandal.”
His partner, Yixing, pats him on the shoulder comfortingly. “I already compiled the news on the Kelvin Rudd altercation case.”
“Kevin Rudd,” Joonmyun corrects.
“Kevin Red,” Yixing nods.
Joonmyun misses the rest of the conversation because he’s too busy double (triple, quadruple) checking the weather reports from the National Weather Service.
Joonmyun is a pretty happy guy. His job at the news station is simple but fulfilling, and he shows his enthusiasm by peppering his predictions with old fashioned slang. ”By golly, have you prepared your kites, because today seems like a great day to hang out at the beach with your loved ones!” He cheers despite it being a Wednesday, when all kids are in school and the adults at work.
There’s an internet meme floating the internet, possibly made by Jongdae due to a small orange drawn messily across the bottom, that shows him grinning and holding up thumbs up against a photoshopped background of a shark tornado. Suho, smiling through any situation. Joonmyun secretly likes it. They used a good picture of him.
Often though, he has to bring news of bad weather, and he dreads those days deeply. Still, he tries to inject some cheer into any situation.
There was a broadcasting incident once, when Joonmyun decided to wear his favourite smiley tie to announce the news of a snow storm. "3 inches of snow today, folks, but hey!" The frown on his face quickly spreads into a bright grin, "It's time for snowball fights! No school today, whoo!"
He can see Minseok laughing behind the camera, but Joonmyun determinedly continues, “Tomorrow though, we’ll see the sun coming out-“
It’s at this moment that Jongdae chooses to yell, loud enough for the camera to hear, “I hope the sun will blind me so I don’t have to see that ugly tie anymore!”
Kyungsoo presses the clipboard to his mouth in a horrified gasp and Chanyeol flaps his arms around in panic. It’s a live broadcast, so Jongdae’s little outburst about Joonmyun’s bad fashion choices was just broadcasted to the whole of Korea.
Joonmyun's face falls, tugging at the tie in question. "I bring cheer to the office."
He doesn't.
Joonmyun looks over at Kyungsoo for some help, but Kyungsoo only shrugs apologetically in return.
After that incident, Joonmyun has a new meme. Netizens start photoshopping different textiles and patterns onto his tie. Joonmyun likes the one with the little chicks the best.
Poor Joonmyun often gets bullied by Jongin the sports announcer because "you're the weatherman. Why should I believe anything you say?"
Still, Joonmyun holds onto hope that one day, Jongin will finally return his friendship. Today is not one of those days.
"You're amazing," Jongin says and Joonmyun beams until Jongin continues, "Such high viewer rates, and yet no one actually believes you."
Joonmyun sets down the coffee he bought for Jongin. “Black, double shot, just like you like it.”
“I want some cream in the coffee,” Jongin leers.
“Ah, I’ll go get some from the machine!” Joonmyun says, always ready to run an errand for a precious colleague.
“I want your cream,” Jongin says, voice dripping with so much innuendo that it would take a really dense person to miss it. Joonmyun is almost solid.
Joonmyun frowns. “I only have sugar at my desk but-“
Jongin looks disappointed but he quickly recovers. "How does it feel like to tell another lie?" he asks. Joonmyun announced last week that today would be a sunny day, but the weather gods of Seoul decided otherwise. Outside, the branches from the tree slam noisily against the windows, blown over by the strong wind.
Joonmyun protests, wrapping his fingers around his own caramel macchiato, "We're 95.4% accurate."
"94%," Jongin corrects. Joonmyun looks crestfallen at the fall in accuracy ratings and Jongin gleefully plods on, "Last Sunday, Gwangju had showers instead of sunshine. My nephew's field trip to the botanical gardens was cancelled. He was waiting for it all week, and oh, how he cried when he found out."
“Oh dear, oh dear,” Joonmyun frets, setting his coffee to twist his fingers anxiously.
Jongin laughs at him until he remembers the real cause he came to see the weatherman. “Oh yeah, Joonmyun. The takeover? Wasn’t one. The higher ups decided to go for a change of concept.”
“What concept?”
“You’ll see,” Jongin says mysteriously. “The current crew are all very enthusiastic about it and we’ll get new people in, too.”
Joonmyun is delighted to hear this. “New people! I should make muffins to welcome them!”
“Yeah, you do that.” Jongin brandishes a stack of papers and drops them on Joonmyun’s desk. “Just sign here to say that you’re fine with new announcers!”
“Let me read-“
Jongin cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “Hush, I’m a busy man. I can hear Manchester United losing another goal to Chelsea in the far distance. Come on, just sign so I can gloat to Lu Han about it already.”
“Shouldn’t I-?”
Jongin presses a pen into Joonmyun’s hand, nodding encouragingly.
“Well okay, I trust you.” Joonmyun flashes that award winning smile, the one that has him as the face of Colgate and in an ad where his teeth shines brightly even under the gloomy weather. Rain or sun, let your teeth shine. He signs.
The smile Jongin returns him is the most genuine he’s given him yet.
When Joonmyun returns to the news station after the weekend, he does not expect to see the set completely changed. He also does not expect to greet his new colleagues in this manner.
Joonmyun’s segment comes at the end of the hour long daily news, so he has the luxury of coming to work late. Usually, he’s the first one in the studio, but Kyungsoo asked him to get a box of donuts to welcome the new newscasters, and Joonmyun bought three boxes just to be safe. Everyone likes donuts.
He runs smack into a wall, saving the donuts from falling in only a twist of fate.
“Hello,” says the wall, in this deep voice that makes it rumble against where Joonmyun’s nose is lodged into.
“Hi,” Joonmyun replies into the wall.
They stand for a moment, the man Joonmyun bumped into unsure of what to do, and Joonmyun too mortified to step back. Finally, the man places his hands (oh, what big hands, Joonmyun notes) on Joonmyun’s shoulders and gently manoeuvres him away.
Joonmyun apologizes quickly, bowing over and over until the man stops him with another hand on the shoulder. Joonmyun finally gets the chance to catch a glimpse of the new announcer and heavens bless him, he’s gorgeous.
The new announcer is smiling at him warmly, his wide smile lighting up those chiseled features. The deep set brows are crinkled in amusement, and form a deep contrast against his bleached blond hair. Joonmyun absentmindedly runs a hand through his own black locks and wonders about trying out a new dye job.
“Hi, I’m Kris, the new business and economics announcer.”
“I’m Joonmyun, the weatherman!” He shakes Kris’s hands and inwardly approves of the tight, firm grip, like a proper handshake to be.
“Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo suddenly pops his head in the door and calls, gesturing frantically for him to get ready.
“I have to get going, but have a donut!” Joonmyun presses a box of donuts into Kris’s large hands and bows again. “Nice to meet you!”
“Drop by while I’m filming,” Kris calls after him, his lips still tugged up in amusement. Joonmyun flashes him a quick OK sign.
“Get ready, you’re late, you’re late,” Kyungsoo hurries Joonmyun into the powder room like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. Joonmyun quite likes the story, except for the part where the Queen of Hearts tries to behead everyone. Poor lady. Maybe a good round of yoga would remove the stress and fury from her.
Joonmyun is so rushed that he only notes the changes to the set properly once he’s standing in it. “Naked news?” He whispers to Jongin, who is on standby along with him as they wait for Kris to finish his segment.
“Oh, you know,” Jongin says vaguely. “We strip news down to the truth and what not.” If Joonmyun was more observant, he would have realised that Jongin has been grinning at him all day. Jongin never smiles at Joonmyun.
Joonmyun nods at Kris and gets one in return by the announcer. Kris is already standing in place, dressed in a smart suit and ready to talk the world through today’s development in the stock market.
It starts off well. Joonmyun admires the confidence that Kris alludes, his steady tone guiding the viewers through the rise and falls of the economy. And then-
“What?” Joonmyun yelps, and Jongin shushes him quickly.
"Pandora, the internet radio station, has seen its stock fall-" and along with them, so do Kris’s pants. Kris casually unbuttons his pants and unzips them, letting them fall to pool at his legs. He steps out of them with practised ease, kicking them aside like it’s the most normal thing to do.
"Trading resumed at 3.25, but the fall out of the halt has yet to be determined-" The tie goes, first loosened by those big, big hands -Jongin visibly swallows at this- and then it’s looped over Kris’s head.
"Barrick Gold is selling three gold mines to Australia-" Then the jacket, shrugged off his broad shoulders, followed by his button down. With each button that is loosened, the atmosphere in the studio gets tenser and tenser. Joonmyun’s fingers are digging into his palm now, confusion swimming around his brain, tinged with wisps of arousal. Jongin is already shamelessly palming his crotch, a tent fast rising in his pants.
“Have a good day, folks,” Kris finishes his segment and steps off set. By now, the only garment he has on is a pair of maroon silk boxers, and it does nothing to hide the sheer size of his, um, Kris Jr. He jerks his head over at Jongin’s boxers and laughs lightly. “The audience will like that.”
The world has an agenda against Joonmyun. Kris just stripped on public television, Jongin is jerking off in front of them, and everyone is acting like this is A-Okay. Joonmyun rips his eyes away from Kris’s impressive body long enough to choke out. “What are you doing?”
Kris frowns. “Did no one inform Joonmyun of the concept change?”
Suddenly, Joonmyun understands the changed name of Naked News. And next, he remembers the suspicious document that Jongin forced him into signing.
“Jongin,” he begins slowly, dread building in the form of bile at the back of his throat. “What did I sign.”
Jongin bites down on his bottom lip nervously and hikes his pants up. “My time’s up! Gotta go record! And um, hyung, your contract is extended for a year.” He ducks away from Joonmyun’s attempt to strangle him and runs into the set, pointing at the time to emphasize that they’re going live. Behind Jongin, the screen changes to a still of a baseball field.
“Maybe I’ll stay for your segment,” Kris drawls, and Joonmyun tries desperately not to stare at how the boxers just rest on his hips, like it’ll just fall if Joonmyun so much as tugs-
“Oh God, please no, I won’t- I-“ Joonmyun immediately starts waving his hands in front of him in a mortified no.
“Ready on set!” Chanyeol calls, shooting them a look to keep quiet, and Joonmyun shuts his mouth out of sheer instilled professionalism.
Jongin in front of the camera is even more infuriating than Jongin behind it. If Kris was quiet confidence, Jongin is sex personified. The minute the red light goes on, Jongin’s eyes change and darken.
Joonmyun was already bothered by Kris, but seeing Jongin essentially doing a strip tease while he talks about goals and hairy old football coaches is even more alluring. Jongin even takes it an extra step further, hooking his fingers under the band of his boxers.
“No,” Joonmyun gasps, which is a mistake, because Jongin catches his eyes and with a smirk, tugs. Jongin’s dick springs up, just like Joonmyun’s heart rate. Joonmyun mutters a quick prayer and a curse to whatever deity is up there. He’s not sure if he’s in a nightmare, or the best wet dream of his life.
"And next on Naked News," Jongin says, shimmying out of his socks, the last piece of clothing on his body. "Suho the sexy weatherman!" Joonmyun almost chokes, because he knew Jongin was the one who created the meme! It wasn’t Jongdae, but mischievous Jongin, who had a tendency to tease him by calling him the guardian of weather.
“Hi, hyung,” Jongin greets him, shamelessly parading his naked body in front of Joonmyun. He lowers his head in a leer and pairs it with a lick of lips. “Like what you see?”
“Ye- NO. I certainly do not! Put on a shirt before you catch a cold!” Joonmyun hurries to grab the shirt Jongin left discarded on the floor and throws it at Jongin.
Jongin obediently pulls on the shirt, but leaves the buttons undone. “Come on, help me with the buttons.” Joonmyun’s gaze wanders down before jerking up again, because Jongin is naked, and hard, and it’s leaking.
“You’re not five,” he snaps, pushing past Jongin to find Kyungsoo. This has to be one big mistake.
“Sorry,” Kyungsoo tells him later, “The contract is legally binding. You agreed to this. Unless you have money to break it…”
And this is how Joonmyun finds himself on set, face gloomier than the little black clouds swirling behind him on the screen.
"What are you doing," Jongdae hisses, peering angrily over his black frames that don’t even have lenses in them. "STRIP."
Joonmyun is wearing this ugly sweater with ducks all over it, and Jongdae is making cut throat gestures, but he's not stripping. Instead, he babbles about kittens. “So as I was saying, in this great weather, bring your kitten out for a walk! I love kittens!”
Jongdae face palms.
Jongin pouts in disappointment, taking his hand out of his boxers. “I really wanted to see Joonmyun hyung naked,” he whines.
Everyone pretends not to see Chanyeol nodding in agreement.
In the end, Suho the Sexy Weatherman gets downgraded to Joonmyun the coffee boy, replaced by newcomer Sehun-the-intern who starts off already pantsless. Sehun quickly becomes the second most popular announcer on the online polls due to his size- uh, height, but he can’t win Kris, who reigns at the top with the nickname Dragon King.
Jongin eventually sees Joonmyun naked after that thing involving a ferret, whipped cream and 2,000 won hair dye, but that’s a story for another time.
And so we conclude the Adventures of Suho the Sexy Weatherman.
(It turns out he can't even make decent coffee.
"Why does Jongin like his coffee black?” Joonmyun muses over the steaming cup of coffee. “That's so depressing! I bet he'll like it if I added three spoonful’s of sugar. That'll cheer him up!")
one of these days, i swear i will write something not-stupid that is not a tweet fic/written in one sitting.
Pairing: Suho/Kai
Rating: R (no sexual situations; just mentions of genitalia \o/)
Length: 3k
Summary: Joonmyun is an enthusiastic weatherman at EXO news, which unbeknownst to him, will soon undergo a transformation into EXO Naked News.
first i saw this picture, which quickly escalated into a series of tweets that i later expanded into this.
The rumours of a company takeover has been rife lately. Joonmyun has heard snippets of it over lunch, while he’s unpacking his salmon and cream cheese sandwich (low fat, high in protein and delicious to boot!). Baekhyun the sound technician drops into his seat, his tray of what seems to be a charred burger and a side of coleslaw clattering noisily and almost tipping over. “It’s confirmed,” he breathes out, eyes shining.
Joonmyun calmly spreads out some paper towels on his lap, just in case the crumbs fall onto his neatly pressed slacks, and ignores Baekhyun. Mother always did say that wagging tongues are only for the uneducated. Not that Baekhyun is lacking on the education front. Apparently the boy started off with a chemical engineering degree before deciding that the lab life wasn’t for him and switched to audio engineering instead.
Lu Han, who works for the lifestyle section, leans forward, naturally interested. “Is it a change of management? Are we being bought over? Are there layoffs? Will I finally get my 30 days of paid leave so I can go to Hawaii with Minseok?”
“Okay, first of all, no one will give you 30 days of paid vacation time,” Kyungsoo reminds him matter-of-factly, not even looking up from where he is editing the script for Lu Han’s upcoming segment about the popularity of cat cafes. “Secondly, Minseok looks terrified right now. I doubt he’ll go with you.”
Minseok looks positively mortified and tries to hide behind his clapboard, body squirming and sliding lower and lower down his chair.
“Nonsense!” Lu Han snaps, hooking an arm around Minseok’s neck, jerking him back up into an upright position. Minseok lets out a squeak and cowers more.
If this was in a normal working environment, the interactions between Lu Han and Minseok, who are part of the film crew, could be seen as sexual harassment. But the small tight-knit family at EXO News have known each other since the start-up of the news station, when the station was but a small weekly session that only aired on college networks. Besides, for all that he protests, Minseok never seems to mind so much. Sometimes, on the rare days that Lu Han is sent for an outside shoot and misses his daily lunch appointment with Minseok, Minseok always refuses to eat with the rest of the team, preferring to eat at his desk and stare forlornly at Lu Han’s empty desk.
Joonmyun polishes off the last of his sandwich and gingerly wipes his fingers on a paper towel, using a small corner to dab at the side of his mouth. He stands ups and adjusts his lilac tie. “Bye guys,” he says brightly, “things to prepare for! So busy! It’s the start of a new, beautiful day!”
“All he has to do is say a variation of the same thing,” Zitao the politics commentator grumbles. “I have to stay up-to-date with every new legislation and scandal.”
His partner, Yixing, pats him on the shoulder comfortingly. “I already compiled the news on the Kelvin Rudd altercation case.”
“Kevin Rudd,” Joonmyun corrects.
“Kevin Red,” Yixing nods.
Joonmyun misses the rest of the conversation because he’s too busy double (triple, quadruple) checking the weather reports from the National Weather Service.
Joonmyun is a pretty happy guy. His job at the news station is simple but fulfilling, and he shows his enthusiasm by peppering his predictions with old fashioned slang. ”By golly, have you prepared your kites, because today seems like a great day to hang out at the beach with your loved ones!” He cheers despite it being a Wednesday, when all kids are in school and the adults at work.
There’s an internet meme floating the internet, possibly made by Jongdae due to a small orange drawn messily across the bottom, that shows him grinning and holding up thumbs up against a photoshopped background of a shark tornado. Suho, smiling through any situation. Joonmyun secretly likes it. They used a good picture of him.
Often though, he has to bring news of bad weather, and he dreads those days deeply. Still, he tries to inject some cheer into any situation.
There was a broadcasting incident once, when Joonmyun decided to wear his favourite smiley tie to announce the news of a snow storm. "3 inches of snow today, folks, but hey!" The frown on his face quickly spreads into a bright grin, "It's time for snowball fights! No school today, whoo!"
He can see Minseok laughing behind the camera, but Joonmyun determinedly continues, “Tomorrow though, we’ll see the sun coming out-“
It’s at this moment that Jongdae chooses to yell, loud enough for the camera to hear, “I hope the sun will blind me so I don’t have to see that ugly tie anymore!”
Kyungsoo presses the clipboard to his mouth in a horrified gasp and Chanyeol flaps his arms around in panic. It’s a live broadcast, so Jongdae’s little outburst about Joonmyun’s bad fashion choices was just broadcasted to the whole of Korea.
Joonmyun's face falls, tugging at the tie in question. "I bring cheer to the office."
He doesn't.
Joonmyun looks over at Kyungsoo for some help, but Kyungsoo only shrugs apologetically in return.
After that incident, Joonmyun has a new meme. Netizens start photoshopping different textiles and patterns onto his tie. Joonmyun likes the one with the little chicks the best.
Poor Joonmyun often gets bullied by Jongin the sports announcer because "you're the weatherman. Why should I believe anything you say?"
Still, Joonmyun holds onto hope that one day, Jongin will finally return his friendship. Today is not one of those days.
"You're amazing," Jongin says and Joonmyun beams until Jongin continues, "Such high viewer rates, and yet no one actually believes you."
Joonmyun sets down the coffee he bought for Jongin. “Black, double shot, just like you like it.”
“I want some cream in the coffee,” Jongin leers.
“Ah, I’ll go get some from the machine!” Joonmyun says, always ready to run an errand for a precious colleague.
“I want your cream,” Jongin says, voice dripping with so much innuendo that it would take a really dense person to miss it. Joonmyun is almost solid.
Joonmyun frowns. “I only have sugar at my desk but-“
Jongin looks disappointed but he quickly recovers. "How does it feel like to tell another lie?" he asks. Joonmyun announced last week that today would be a sunny day, but the weather gods of Seoul decided otherwise. Outside, the branches from the tree slam noisily against the windows, blown over by the strong wind.
Joonmyun protests, wrapping his fingers around his own caramel macchiato, "We're 95.4% accurate."
"94%," Jongin corrects. Joonmyun looks crestfallen at the fall in accuracy ratings and Jongin gleefully plods on, "Last Sunday, Gwangju had showers instead of sunshine. My nephew's field trip to the botanical gardens was cancelled. He was waiting for it all week, and oh, how he cried when he found out."
“Oh dear, oh dear,” Joonmyun frets, setting his coffee to twist his fingers anxiously.
Jongin laughs at him until he remembers the real cause he came to see the weatherman. “Oh yeah, Joonmyun. The takeover? Wasn’t one. The higher ups decided to go for a change of concept.”
“What concept?”
“You’ll see,” Jongin says mysteriously. “The current crew are all very enthusiastic about it and we’ll get new people in, too.”
Joonmyun is delighted to hear this. “New people! I should make muffins to welcome them!”
“Yeah, you do that.” Jongin brandishes a stack of papers and drops them on Joonmyun’s desk. “Just sign here to say that you’re fine with new announcers!”
“Let me read-“
Jongin cuts him off with a wave of his hand. “Hush, I’m a busy man. I can hear Manchester United losing another goal to Chelsea in the far distance. Come on, just sign so I can gloat to Lu Han about it already.”
“Shouldn’t I-?”
Jongin presses a pen into Joonmyun’s hand, nodding encouragingly.
“Well okay, I trust you.” Joonmyun flashes that award winning smile, the one that has him as the face of Colgate and in an ad where his teeth shines brightly even under the gloomy weather. Rain or sun, let your teeth shine. He signs.
The smile Jongin returns him is the most genuine he’s given him yet.
When Joonmyun returns to the news station after the weekend, he does not expect to see the set completely changed. He also does not expect to greet his new colleagues in this manner.
Joonmyun’s segment comes at the end of the hour long daily news, so he has the luxury of coming to work late. Usually, he’s the first one in the studio, but Kyungsoo asked him to get a box of donuts to welcome the new newscasters, and Joonmyun bought three boxes just to be safe. Everyone likes donuts.
He runs smack into a wall, saving the donuts from falling in only a twist of fate.
“Hello,” says the wall, in this deep voice that makes it rumble against where Joonmyun’s nose is lodged into.
“Hi,” Joonmyun replies into the wall.
They stand for a moment, the man Joonmyun bumped into unsure of what to do, and Joonmyun too mortified to step back. Finally, the man places his hands (oh, what big hands, Joonmyun notes) on Joonmyun’s shoulders and gently manoeuvres him away.
Joonmyun apologizes quickly, bowing over and over until the man stops him with another hand on the shoulder. Joonmyun finally gets the chance to catch a glimpse of the new announcer and heavens bless him, he’s gorgeous.
The new announcer is smiling at him warmly, his wide smile lighting up those chiseled features. The deep set brows are crinkled in amusement, and form a deep contrast against his bleached blond hair. Joonmyun absentmindedly runs a hand through his own black locks and wonders about trying out a new dye job.
“Hi, I’m Kris, the new business and economics announcer.”
“I’m Joonmyun, the weatherman!” He shakes Kris’s hands and inwardly approves of the tight, firm grip, like a proper handshake to be.
“Joonmyun,” Kyungsoo suddenly pops his head in the door and calls, gesturing frantically for him to get ready.
“I have to get going, but have a donut!” Joonmyun presses a box of donuts into Kris’s large hands and bows again. “Nice to meet you!”
“Drop by while I’m filming,” Kris calls after him, his lips still tugged up in amusement. Joonmyun flashes him a quick OK sign.
“Get ready, you’re late, you’re late,” Kyungsoo hurries Joonmyun into the powder room like the rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. Joonmyun quite likes the story, except for the part where the Queen of Hearts tries to behead everyone. Poor lady. Maybe a good round of yoga would remove the stress and fury from her.
Joonmyun is so rushed that he only notes the changes to the set properly once he’s standing in it. “Naked news?” He whispers to Jongin, who is on standby along with him as they wait for Kris to finish his segment.
“Oh, you know,” Jongin says vaguely. “We strip news down to the truth and what not.” If Joonmyun was more observant, he would have realised that Jongin has been grinning at him all day. Jongin never smiles at Joonmyun.
Joonmyun nods at Kris and gets one in return by the announcer. Kris is already standing in place, dressed in a smart suit and ready to talk the world through today’s development in the stock market.
It starts off well. Joonmyun admires the confidence that Kris alludes, his steady tone guiding the viewers through the rise and falls of the economy. And then-
“What?” Joonmyun yelps, and Jongin shushes him quickly.
"Pandora, the internet radio station, has seen its stock fall-" and along with them, so do Kris’s pants. Kris casually unbuttons his pants and unzips them, letting them fall to pool at his legs. He steps out of them with practised ease, kicking them aside like it’s the most normal thing to do.
"Trading resumed at 3.25, but the fall out of the halt has yet to be determined-" The tie goes, first loosened by those big, big hands -Jongin visibly swallows at this- and then it’s looped over Kris’s head.
"Barrick Gold is selling three gold mines to Australia-" Then the jacket, shrugged off his broad shoulders, followed by his button down. With each button that is loosened, the atmosphere in the studio gets tenser and tenser. Joonmyun’s fingers are digging into his palm now, confusion swimming around his brain, tinged with wisps of arousal. Jongin is already shamelessly palming his crotch, a tent fast rising in his pants.
“Have a good day, folks,” Kris finishes his segment and steps off set. By now, the only garment he has on is a pair of maroon silk boxers, and it does nothing to hide the sheer size of his, um, Kris Jr. He jerks his head over at Jongin’s boxers and laughs lightly. “The audience will like that.”
The world has an agenda against Joonmyun. Kris just stripped on public television, Jongin is jerking off in front of them, and everyone is acting like this is A-Okay. Joonmyun rips his eyes away from Kris’s impressive body long enough to choke out. “What are you doing?”
Kris frowns. “Did no one inform Joonmyun of the concept change?”
Suddenly, Joonmyun understands the changed name of Naked News. And next, he remembers the suspicious document that Jongin forced him into signing.
“Jongin,” he begins slowly, dread building in the form of bile at the back of his throat. “What did I sign.”
Jongin bites down on his bottom lip nervously and hikes his pants up. “My time’s up! Gotta go record! And um, hyung, your contract is extended for a year.” He ducks away from Joonmyun’s attempt to strangle him and runs into the set, pointing at the time to emphasize that they’re going live. Behind Jongin, the screen changes to a still of a baseball field.
“Maybe I’ll stay for your segment,” Kris drawls, and Joonmyun tries desperately not to stare at how the boxers just rest on his hips, like it’ll just fall if Joonmyun so much as tugs-
“Oh God, please no, I won’t- I-“ Joonmyun immediately starts waving his hands in front of him in a mortified no.
“Ready on set!” Chanyeol calls, shooting them a look to keep quiet, and Joonmyun shuts his mouth out of sheer instilled professionalism.
Jongin in front of the camera is even more infuriating than Jongin behind it. If Kris was quiet confidence, Jongin is sex personified. The minute the red light goes on, Jongin’s eyes change and darken.
Joonmyun was already bothered by Kris, but seeing Jongin essentially doing a strip tease while he talks about goals and hairy old football coaches is even more alluring. Jongin even takes it an extra step further, hooking his fingers under the band of his boxers.
“No,” Joonmyun gasps, which is a mistake, because Jongin catches his eyes and with a smirk, tugs. Jongin’s dick springs up, just like Joonmyun’s heart rate. Joonmyun mutters a quick prayer and a curse to whatever deity is up there. He’s not sure if he’s in a nightmare, or the best wet dream of his life.
"And next on Naked News," Jongin says, shimmying out of his socks, the last piece of clothing on his body. "Suho the sexy weatherman!" Joonmyun almost chokes, because he knew Jongin was the one who created the meme! It wasn’t Jongdae, but mischievous Jongin, who had a tendency to tease him by calling him the guardian of weather.
“Hi, hyung,” Jongin greets him, shamelessly parading his naked body in front of Joonmyun. He lowers his head in a leer and pairs it with a lick of lips. “Like what you see?”
“Ye- NO. I certainly do not! Put on a shirt before you catch a cold!” Joonmyun hurries to grab the shirt Jongin left discarded on the floor and throws it at Jongin.
Jongin obediently pulls on the shirt, but leaves the buttons undone. “Come on, help me with the buttons.” Joonmyun’s gaze wanders down before jerking up again, because Jongin is naked, and hard, and it’s leaking.
“You’re not five,” he snaps, pushing past Jongin to find Kyungsoo. This has to be one big mistake.
“Sorry,” Kyungsoo tells him later, “The contract is legally binding. You agreed to this. Unless you have money to break it…”
And this is how Joonmyun finds himself on set, face gloomier than the little black clouds swirling behind him on the screen.
"What are you doing," Jongdae hisses, peering angrily over his black frames that don’t even have lenses in them. "STRIP."
Joonmyun is wearing this ugly sweater with ducks all over it, and Jongdae is making cut throat gestures, but he's not stripping. Instead, he babbles about kittens. “So as I was saying, in this great weather, bring your kitten out for a walk! I love kittens!”
Jongdae face palms.
Jongin pouts in disappointment, taking his hand out of his boxers. “I really wanted to see Joonmyun hyung naked,” he whines.
Everyone pretends not to see Chanyeol nodding in agreement.
In the end, Suho the Sexy Weatherman gets downgraded to Joonmyun the coffee boy, replaced by newcomer Sehun-the-intern who starts off already pantsless. Sehun quickly becomes the second most popular announcer on the online polls due to his size- uh, height, but he can’t win Kris, who reigns at the top with the nickname Dragon King.
Jongin eventually sees Joonmyun naked after that thing involving a ferret, whipped cream and 2,000 won hair dye, but that’s a story for another time.
And so we conclude the Adventures of Suho the Sexy Weatherman.
(It turns out he can't even make decent coffee.
"Why does Jongin like his coffee black?” Joonmyun muses over the steaming cup of coffee. “That's so depressing! I bet he'll like it if I added three spoonful’s of sugar. That'll cheer him up!")
one of these days, i swear i will write something not-stupid that is not a tweet fic/written in one sitting.