Gonna try this out again for a while...
So I'm gonna try and start updating this on a more regular basis solely for myself. I don't even know if anyone reads LJ anymore as myspace, facebook, and ten thousand other sites have taken over the world. I'm not a big fan of myspace's blogging feature, and I gotta stick with the ol' LJ anyways. I'm probably mostly gonna ramble and just post thoughts going through my head at the time or aspirations or whatever the hell I want basically. I don't feel it's necessary to recap my days in the thorough fashion that I used to, plus my days aren't nearly as interesting as they used to be either, although I'm sure that will happen occasionally too when I want to! I actually wanted to start doing this a couple months ago when I got sober as I thought it'd be interesting to type out my daily thoughts, theories, and reflections I was having day to day. It was the first time I was ever serious about being sober, well maybe other than when I quit drinking to be healthy and lose weight the initial time. Although then I did it more just to go with the diet than as a lifestyle change and last year when I quit drinking "indefinitely" I didn't really want to and I think I did it more out of fear and worry in the aftermath of everything that went down. Now I'm doing it because I wanted to and the urge just isn't really there. Now can I say I'll never drink again, maybe, maybe not, but I've seen no need for it and I'm very happy being sober and focused. Like I said this is the first time I've been serious about it and a lot of questioning of my past and reflecting occurred during that whole initial month of sobriety that was actually way easier than even I thought it would be. I tried the AA thing, might go back here and there, but they're a bit pushy for my taste and they have a very structured and literal system that I don't feel I can ever buy into 100 percent. Jeez, I didn't mean for this to be an entry solely about my sobriety but I guess it's a pretty big deal so it came to the forefront and that's what I want to do with LJ this time around is just let everything come naturally and freely and let it come out. I feel my creativity has been stifled since I focused more on working and deciding not to continue going to film school. I love going back and reading my older entries just to see how I've progressed over the years since I started this and I'm kind of upset I didn't keep more of a log of things over the past few years as that was definitely a time period of just everything going on. That's probably the exact reason why I didn't update it though as I was so busy, but I think I can make time for it now, maybe not daily but regularly.
I love reminiscing about things and having that feeling of nostalgia. I'm not saying I live in the past as I'm always dreaming of what the future beholds too, but something about those past moments whenever they're brought up bring strong emotions from me, whether good or bad the actual feeling is just something I wish I could capture in a bottle. The most recent moment I had of this was while I was in Best Buy on Sunday. I was just strolling through the horror DVD section and I saw a coverbox for a movie called "The Dead Pit", and I never saw the movie or anything but I remember that very same box cover from my childhood when I would roam the horror video aisles at the local mom and pop video store (usually Movie Mania or Orland Video). I just love that feeling and the amount of memories and feelings that just all swirled up into my brain at once was just pure euphoria for a brief moment. I remembered going to Orland Video daily every October when I was kid as they did this offer where you could rent up to two catalog horror titles a day for free. So I literally would go almost daily and rent everything they had every year, sometimes I'd even go twice in a day after shift change so I could sneak another two rentals in :-). I should write them a thank you card for expanding my horror movie knowledge tenfold over those monumental developing years in my youth.
Hmmm what else do I want to cover in this return to a place that used to be a "myspace" of sorts on a much more smaller and personal level of course. Well, to go into the basics, I'm still reffing and somewhat regularly, maybe not exactly where I envisioned where I wanted to be at this point, but I'm very content with the knowledge I've gained over the years and I love trying to pass any bit of that on to others that like to listen to me ramble on. I'm currently single (as usual haha), but who cares it'll happen when it happens. I'm gonna go back to school to be an auditor now which is a far cry from film school, while I still have a passion for it it just became to difficult to juggle with everything else and it just wasn't as stable of a gameplan as I would have liked. I plan on still dabbling in things and maybe returning to it in some format but for now this path feels very much like the right choice at this juncture of my life. I work for a trucking company now in the office and I absolutely love my job and it seems pretty stable and pays decent which is something not a ton of people can say right now with the economy the way it is. I'm really upbeat and positive about things as I have been, but I feel it grows just a little bit more every day (well maybe not every day but most days). I'm not as much worried about "living life" as I am just enjoying it. I think I've got a pretty good balance going on and hopefully I can continue with it.
I don't see my sisters as much as I'd like, but I don't know if I'll ever say that I see them enough especially considering the amount of time I didn't see them. Katie is now 18 and going to college, she's gonna end up finishing before me haha. She has a boyfriend Bryan who is a pretty cool guy and it seems like they are pretty stuck with each other which is a good thing. Cori, who just turned 17, on the other hand has been a source of trouble and I'm not sure how to handle her anymore, at times I want to say something to her, but I also don't want her to grow distant from me because I might seem like everyone else trying to tell her what's right and what's not. I'm not an expert by any means on life, but I think I have more to offer to her than I have due to me being afraid she'll push away. My relationship with my step-mom is still pretty consistent, I can't say it's ever changed much even when I wasn't around, it's probably one of the few relationships I've had in my life that hasn't been goofed up in some way. My relationship with my dad is poor, very poor. That could probably be developed into a whole entry on it's own, actually it could probably be a book. I don't understand him and I don't even know how to approach him or even speak to him anymore. He makes no effort and the few efforts I have made don't really go anywhere, and the sad thing about it is that it doesn't even really bother me much anymore. I feel like I already wrote him off and it's not right, but it takes two for that kind of thing and I don't think he has any inkling of real desire to repair it. I quite frankly don't think he has that capability to go to that place to fix things. My mom and I are as up and down as it gets. One minute she's fine and the next minute she's picking fights with me left and right. I know it's mainly due out of frustration and cause I haven't been the best or most awesome son on the planet, but at the same time right now I'd say I'm doing much better than I have in quite a many years yet our tension is sometimes just boiling over. I'm not even home that much and awake when she is due to my work schedule, but I've noticed she gets argumentative as it gets later at night. Which means it's because of her being tired and irritable because I can be like that too when I'm pretty tired where I just want to left alone and remain in silence and her drinking of course would lead her to be more intoxicated as the night goes on...so guess what 2+2=4. I try to diffuse the situation by just telling her I don't want to argue and to be done with it because it's usually repetitive things that are brought up which always goes nowhere. If anyone knows me, I don't like to argue, I'll debate you forever, but when it gets into yelling and arguing and fighting that's where you might as well be speaking gibberish because nothing gets accomplished at that point. Everything is still great with most of my friends I'd say for the most part, I"ve grown apart from some and I'm always trying to fix that but there's just not enough time to see everyone especially when people keep splitting off from one another. One comment I will say is that most of my friends aren't as reliable as I'd like them to be, I guess I apply myself to that concept in that whenever I say I'm gonna do something 99 percent of the time I do and the fact that I can rarely have that same confidence in my friends kinda bugs me especially when I often rely on them to do things or try to organize things to do.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are approaching, actually one is pretty much upon us. I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving for obvious reasons (I'm allergic to poultry for those who didn't know). Black Wednesday is the big drinking night of the year and I'm gonna go out and NOT drink and watch my friends get all ridiculously drunk, but it's a shame I can't drive currently as I wish I could be the designated driver for the evening. I'm gonna try and do most of my Christmas shopping online this year, it's something I say I'm gonna do every year as your choices are much more broad and you can do it from the comfort of your home, but I always end up doing it all last minute without the option of online shopping being there. This year I'm kinda forced into it so I'm happy I get to dabble in that area a bit this year.
My weight has gotta to at an all-time high since I lost eighty pounds back when I was like 19. Shamrock shakes were the primary problem (but what a delicious problem they where :-P) and then I just never bounced back and could stick to a diet/workout plan. I wasn't necessarily doing crash diets but just diets that were too strict for my schedule where I couldn't stick with it and I'd just end up eating like crap especially with my schedule the way it was, fast food just became the easiest option a lot of the time and my eating schedule was just all over the place. So I'm most likely getting a treadmill for Christmas with which will greatly help out as I don't have to have a gym membership and drive somewhere to do cardio, and I just need to go on a focused healthy diet, not a strict one as the weight will come off in time. When I would start messing up the strict diets I would just let them go by the wayside so this way it would be easier to conform my diet into a daily lifestyle no matter what. The key to my dieting is convenience, which is actually probably the key to most diets which people don't realize as they just look at what will allow them to drop the most weight the fastest which most of the time is either unhealthy or just such a strict diet people can't stick with it due to willpower or scheduling or a combination of both. I always sucked at concluding or wrapping things up, so I think I'm just going to stop when I feel like it when writing an entry and try to end it with a quote or some words of wisdom. Then I can say I'm some snobby intellectual or something haha.
"The most splendid achievement of all is the constant striving to surpass yourself and to be worthy of your own approval."
-Denis Waitley
I love reminiscing about things and having that feeling of nostalgia. I'm not saying I live in the past as I'm always dreaming of what the future beholds too, but something about those past moments whenever they're brought up bring strong emotions from me, whether good or bad the actual feeling is just something I wish I could capture in a bottle. The most recent moment I had of this was while I was in Best Buy on Sunday. I was just strolling through the horror DVD section and I saw a coverbox for a movie called "The Dead Pit", and I never saw the movie or anything but I remember that very same box cover from my childhood when I would roam the horror video aisles at the local mom and pop video store (usually Movie Mania or Orland Video). I just love that feeling and the amount of memories and feelings that just all swirled up into my brain at once was just pure euphoria for a brief moment. I remembered going to Orland Video daily every October when I was kid as they did this offer where you could rent up to two catalog horror titles a day for free. So I literally would go almost daily and rent everything they had every year, sometimes I'd even go twice in a day after shift change so I could sneak another two rentals in :-). I should write them a thank you card for expanding my horror movie knowledge tenfold over those monumental developing years in my youth.
Hmmm what else do I want to cover in this return to a place that used to be a "myspace" of sorts on a much more smaller and personal level of course. Well, to go into the basics, I'm still reffing and somewhat regularly, maybe not exactly where I envisioned where I wanted to be at this point, but I'm very content with the knowledge I've gained over the years and I love trying to pass any bit of that on to others that like to listen to me ramble on. I'm currently single (as usual haha), but who cares it'll happen when it happens. I'm gonna go back to school to be an auditor now which is a far cry from film school, while I still have a passion for it it just became to difficult to juggle with everything else and it just wasn't as stable of a gameplan as I would have liked. I plan on still dabbling in things and maybe returning to it in some format but for now this path feels very much like the right choice at this juncture of my life. I work for a trucking company now in the office and I absolutely love my job and it seems pretty stable and pays decent which is something not a ton of people can say right now with the economy the way it is. I'm really upbeat and positive about things as I have been, but I feel it grows just a little bit more every day (well maybe not every day but most days). I'm not as much worried about "living life" as I am just enjoying it. I think I've got a pretty good balance going on and hopefully I can continue with it.
I don't see my sisters as much as I'd like, but I don't know if I'll ever say that I see them enough especially considering the amount of time I didn't see them. Katie is now 18 and going to college, she's gonna end up finishing before me haha. She has a boyfriend Bryan who is a pretty cool guy and it seems like they are pretty stuck with each other which is a good thing. Cori, who just turned 17, on the other hand has been a source of trouble and I'm not sure how to handle her anymore, at times I want to say something to her, but I also don't want her to grow distant from me because I might seem like everyone else trying to tell her what's right and what's not. I'm not an expert by any means on life, but I think I have more to offer to her than I have due to me being afraid she'll push away. My relationship with my step-mom is still pretty consistent, I can't say it's ever changed much even when I wasn't around, it's probably one of the few relationships I've had in my life that hasn't been goofed up in some way. My relationship with my dad is poor, very poor. That could probably be developed into a whole entry on it's own, actually it could probably be a book. I don't understand him and I don't even know how to approach him or even speak to him anymore. He makes no effort and the few efforts I have made don't really go anywhere, and the sad thing about it is that it doesn't even really bother me much anymore. I feel like I already wrote him off and it's not right, but it takes two for that kind of thing and I don't think he has any inkling of real desire to repair it. I quite frankly don't think he has that capability to go to that place to fix things. My mom and I are as up and down as it gets. One minute she's fine and the next minute she's picking fights with me left and right. I know it's mainly due out of frustration and cause I haven't been the best or most awesome son on the planet, but at the same time right now I'd say I'm doing much better than I have in quite a many years yet our tension is sometimes just boiling over. I'm not even home that much and awake when she is due to my work schedule, but I've noticed she gets argumentative as it gets later at night. Which means it's because of her being tired and irritable because I can be like that too when I'm pretty tired where I just want to left alone and remain in silence and her drinking of course would lead her to be more intoxicated as the night goes on...so guess what 2+2=4. I try to diffuse the situation by just telling her I don't want to argue and to be done with it because it's usually repetitive things that are brought up which always goes nowhere. If anyone knows me, I don't like to argue, I'll debate you forever, but when it gets into yelling and arguing and fighting that's where you might as well be speaking gibberish because nothing gets accomplished at that point. Everything is still great with most of my friends I'd say for the most part, I"ve grown apart from some and I'm always trying to fix that but there's just not enough time to see everyone especially when people keep splitting off from one another. One comment I will say is that most of my friends aren't as reliable as I'd like them to be, I guess I apply myself to that concept in that whenever I say I'm gonna do something 99 percent of the time I do and the fact that I can rarely have that same confidence in my friends kinda bugs me especially when I often rely on them to do things or try to organize things to do.
Thanksgiving and Christmas are approaching, actually one is pretty much upon us. I've never been a fan of Thanksgiving for obvious reasons (I'm allergic to poultry for those who didn't know). Black Wednesday is the big drinking night of the year and I'm gonna go out and NOT drink and watch my friends get all ridiculously drunk, but it's a shame I can't drive currently as I wish I could be the designated driver for the evening. I'm gonna try and do most of my Christmas shopping online this year, it's something I say I'm gonna do every year as your choices are much more broad and you can do it from the comfort of your home, but I always end up doing it all last minute without the option of online shopping being there. This year I'm kinda forced into it so I'm happy I get to dabble in that area a bit this year.
My weight has gotta to at an all-time high since I lost eighty pounds back when I was like 19. Shamrock shakes were the primary problem (but what a delicious problem they where :-P) and then I just never bounced back and could stick to a diet/workout plan. I wasn't necessarily doing crash diets but just diets that were too strict for my schedule where I couldn't stick with it and I'd just end up eating like crap especially with my schedule the way it was, fast food just became the easiest option a lot of the time and my eating schedule was just all over the place. So I'm most likely getting a treadmill for Christmas with which will greatly help out as I don't have to have a gym membership and drive somewhere to do cardio, and I just need to go on a focused healthy diet, not a strict one as the weight will come off in time. When I would start messing up the strict diets I would just let them go by the wayside so this way it would be easier to conform my diet into a daily lifestyle no matter what. The key to my dieting is convenience, which is actually probably the key to most diets which people don't realize as they just look at what will allow them to drop the most weight the fastest which most of the time is either unhealthy or just such a strict diet people can't stick with it due to willpower or scheduling or a combination of both. I always sucked at concluding or wrapping things up, so I think I'm just going to stop when I feel like it when writing an entry and try to end it with a quote or some words of wisdom. Then I can say I'm some snobby intellectual or something haha.
"The most splendid achievement of all is the constant striving to surpass yourself and to be worthy of your own approval."
-Denis Waitley