Eclipse Chapters 19 & 20: I AM SO SURPRISED BY MORMONS
Chapter 19
Edward reminds us that he speaks like he comes from the 20s by saying words like "ludicrous", which no one ever uses. It's ludicrous to suggest that any normal human would even think of it. Oh wait.
Bella wants Edward to sit the fight out, because she's selfless and wants everyone else to die in his place. If they make her do nothing while Edward fights, she'll purposefully find harm for herself so Edward will be around her. HOW MANY TIMES CAN THIS SELFLESS JOKE BE MADE? IT IS GETTING STALE.
Now Edward and Bella can be alone to not have sex all weekend. And we're reminded that OF COURSE werewolves aren't as strong or awesome or lovely as vampires, because that would make no sense.
Chapter 20
Actually, Bella is pretty keen on sex this weekend, but you know she's not as smooth as this gangsta of love, baby. I mean who is lol.
And then we are informed that snuggling with Wardo is like snuggling with a bucket of rocks, but is ttly still comfy. And sexy. So sexy. Bella so ronery.
Edward: What you want, bitch?
Bella: Let's talk about getting married. I ain't no white trash.
Edward: We'll share my g's and ride hummers and shiot, yo.
Bella: And um... some other stuff.
Edward: WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
Bella: Edward, what is best in life?
Edward: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentatio--
Bella: I WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH MY ASSHOLE.
Edward: /has a heart attack which does nothing. BELLA!
Bella: OH GOD I'M UGLY.
Edward: That's not true. Everyone wants to have sex with you, because you're beautiful and everyone secretly loves you. They just didn't say anything because it went against the ideals of their social groups. Just like the author. I know this because I can read minds.
Stephanie Meyer: Oh Edward... I love you too /applies lipstick and leaves kissy prints all over the page.
Mr. Meyer: Um, hon? I made you a roast, and I bought you some roses.
Stephanie: GET AWAY FROM ME, RICHARD.
Bella: My vajin will be less important to me after I'm a vampire.
Edward: Bella, how can you use such foul language? Call it a lady flower.
Emmett: Privates.
Edward: EMMETT, YOU FILTH! WASH YOUR MOUTH AT ONCE! I WILL NOT TOLERATE SUCH RUDENESS. EMMETT?
Emmett: ...Erectile dysfunction.
Edward: YOU PROMISED!!!!!! /cries
Hahaha Edward says they need to be married before they have sex NOT BECAUSE HE'S MORMON! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASSUME THAT? There's a perfectly logical reason besides that. A virgin at 109, Edward is afraid Little Christmas, as he affectionately calls his penis, just won't get along with ol' pink n' stink.
...Wait j/k, it turns out Edward doesn't want to have sex because he wants her to get into heaven. Anyway, Bella needs sex NOW, HUNGRY MAW VAGINA MOMOMOMOMOMOM, so they're getting married over the summer.
The horrifying end.
Edward reminds us that he speaks like he comes from the 20s by saying words like "ludicrous", which no one ever uses. It's ludicrous to suggest that any normal human would even think of it. Oh wait.
Bella wants Edward to sit the fight out, because she's selfless and wants everyone else to die in his place. If they make her do nothing while Edward fights, she'll purposefully find harm for herself so Edward will be around her. HOW MANY TIMES CAN THIS SELFLESS JOKE BE MADE? IT IS GETTING STALE.
Now Edward and Bella can be alone to not have sex all weekend. And we're reminded that OF COURSE werewolves aren't as strong or awesome or lovely as vampires, because that would make no sense.
Chapter 20
Actually, Bella is pretty keen on sex this weekend, but you know she's not as smooth as this gangsta of love, baby. I mean who is lol.
And then we are informed that snuggling with Wardo is like snuggling with a bucket of rocks, but is ttly still comfy. And sexy. So sexy. Bella so ronery.
Edward: What you want, bitch?
Bella: Let's talk about getting married. I ain't no white trash.
Edward: We'll share my g's and ride hummers and shiot, yo.
Bella: And um... some other stuff.
Edward: WHAT ELSE IS THERE?
Bella: Edward, what is best in life?
Edward: To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and hear the lamentatio--
Bella: I WANT YOU TO HAVE SEX WITH MY ASSHOLE.
Edward: /has a heart attack which does nothing. BELLA!
Bella: OH GOD I'M UGLY.
Edward: That's not true. Everyone wants to have sex with you, because you're beautiful and everyone secretly loves you. They just didn't say anything because it went against the ideals of their social groups. Just like the author. I know this because I can read minds.
Stephanie Meyer: Oh Edward... I love you too /applies lipstick and leaves kissy prints all over the page.
Mr. Meyer: Um, hon? I made you a roast, and I bought you some roses.
Stephanie: GET AWAY FROM ME, RICHARD.
Bella: My vajin will be less important to me after I'm a vampire.
Edward: Bella, how can you use such foul language? Call it a lady flower.
Emmett: Privates.
Edward: EMMETT, YOU FILTH! WASH YOUR MOUTH AT ONCE! I WILL NOT TOLERATE SUCH RUDENESS. EMMETT?
Emmett: ...Erectile dysfunction.
Edward: YOU PROMISED!!!!!! /cries
Hahaha Edward says they need to be married before they have sex NOT BECAUSE HE'S MORMON! WHY WOULD YOU EVEN ASSUME THAT? There's a perfectly logical reason besides that. A virgin at 109, Edward is afraid Little Christmas, as he affectionately calls his penis, just won't get along with ol' pink n' stink.
...Wait j/k, it turns out Edward doesn't want to have sex because he wants her to get into heaven. Anyway, Bella needs sex NOW, HUNGRY MAW VAGINA MOMOMOMOMOMOM, so they're getting married over the summer.
The horrifying end.