stuff
I picked up Tuffy's ashes today. It felt good to get him home, even in a different form. It was probably just the pulse of my own fingers clenched around each other, but while I was holding the bag of ashes I swear I felt a heartbeat. When I got home, even though I was holding him in ash form, I still expected him to be at the door to greet me. I don't know when that will end. I put his ashes inside of his urn & closed it back up. When my mom came home, she wanted me to show her the ashes, but neither of us could get the urn open again. She decided he was resting & we shouldn't disturb him. Normally I dislike / reject the supernatural, but somehow I find it believable that a piece, just a tiny piece of my dog's soul rests inside of that urn & it makes me happy. I feel his presence again, in a way.
I think I have finally accepted / become happy with the fact that someone cares for me in a romantic way. When Yasu was here in Miami, it was like this bubbly little dream world that was almost too great it was frightening. & then Tuffy died & Yasu didn't understand & I got angry at him for it. I thought he would reject my sadness & reject me as a person, so I decided to reject him first, by ignoring him for 3 days. I figured if he was really worried he would try harder to contact me. But ignoring him wasn't making me feel any better so I decided to call him, crying about Tuffy like I had been every night for the past few weeks. I was expecting him to be angry. Or cold. Or confused. I wasn't expecting him to start crying because he didn't know how to help me, & he didn't know if I was okay, & he had some dream he couldn't find me & he woke up not able to breathe... I don't even remember what he was saying exactly, he just kept saying だってさー in this hysterical teary voice & I don't know it was just like holy shit what did I do to this poor man...testing him like a total psycho bitch...but I was dealing with my grief in the way that seemed suitable & hell I realized a lot of things through it so I don't regret anything, but idk just hearing him cry like that broke through this wall I had put up without realizing it.
So now I'm preparing to go to Japan in 16 days & so fucking excited to stay with Sarah & apartment search & see Eriko again & go to spinns & school although I'm not that excited about school before finding a place to live but oh well. & before that seeing Yasu again for the last time for 4 months & I can't wait & I try to be more vague & literary on my lj but I must say I bought the most adorable undies from victoria secret that make my butt look amazing & I swear to god I'm just going to jump his bones fdjgdfkhlgk♡ I don't feel scared anymore.
I think I have finally accepted / become happy with the fact that someone cares for me in a romantic way. When Yasu was here in Miami, it was like this bubbly little dream world that was almost too great it was frightening. & then Tuffy died & Yasu didn't understand & I got angry at him for it. I thought he would reject my sadness & reject me as a person, so I decided to reject him first, by ignoring him for 3 days. I figured if he was really worried he would try harder to contact me. But ignoring him wasn't making me feel any better so I decided to call him, crying about Tuffy like I had been every night for the past few weeks. I was expecting him to be angry. Or cold. Or confused. I wasn't expecting him to start crying because he didn't know how to help me, & he didn't know if I was okay, & he had some dream he couldn't find me & he woke up not able to breathe... I don't even remember what he was saying exactly, he just kept saying だってさー in this hysterical teary voice & I don't know it was just like holy shit what did I do to this poor man...testing him like a total psycho bitch...but I was dealing with my grief in the way that seemed suitable & hell I realized a lot of things through it so I don't regret anything, but idk just hearing him cry like that broke through this wall I had put up without realizing it.
So now I'm preparing to go to Japan in 16 days & so fucking excited to stay with Sarah & apartment search & see Eriko again & go to spinns & school although I'm not that excited about school before finding a place to live but oh well. & before that seeing Yasu again for the last time for 4 months & I can't wait & I try to be more vague & literary on my lj but I must say I bought the most adorable undies from victoria secret that make my butt look amazing & I swear to god I'm just going to jump his bones fdjgdfkhlgk♡ I don't feel scared anymore.