It's "Secret," Not "Secrete"
No author tag this time. Only the truly illustrious with planned multiple appearances deserve a tag of shame.
So not only do I critique events and descriptions within a story, I also critique their very structure! My dream job is to become an editor and despite my inability to make myself use perfect grammar or spell every word correctly, I have a true gift for whipping everyone else into doing it. The victim this time comes from a mystical section called Vampires on FF.net. In this section, there is--how strange!--no fan fiction at all! No, this section is full of original stories, all of which are the "human girl falls in love with vampire boy" variety with a few different takes on how it happens. For every actual fan fiction, there are fifty original stories by girls who fangirl vampires.
Confession time? When I was active, this was the section I wrote the majority of my stories for and that I spent the most time in. This person spam-reviewed a few stories, asking the authors to look at their story and tell them what they thought. I may or may not have been one of these authors, but I saw the story anyways. My hand and my forehead promptly became well-acquainted. What follows is the preface and first chapter with all grammar and spelling corrected by me and the writing edited to create a better flow. If it's in red, I added it/corrected it. Any words struck through are the author's, but they'll be in red too for the sake of showing that it's a correction. Everything black is their writing, not mine; I would never claim such a story.
~(WHEEEEE!)~
preface
Everything felt the same except that my boyfriend is was a vampire, or should I say death. Every year(,) he takes a girl's to take her precious blood and soul so he can live on and soon take over the world(,). And and I was next on his list(.) I got up to walk to my class, and surely enough, I bumped right into him.
"Hello Amy," he said with his sexy grin.
If he wasn't weren't a monster and I didn't know he was trying to kill me(,) I would kiss him. So I walked right by him and I didn't answer him. Before I walk could get an inch away from him(,) his hard hand grabbed my arm. (This may be my choice as an author, but I wouldn't describe a hand as "hard.")
"What's wrong Amy? what What did I do?"He whispers whispered into my ear(,) making that it made me shiver.
"I know your secrete, secret(.)" he He let me go and he had shock all over his face. (This makes shock sound like a noun, like a glass of water to the face; try something like "He let me go, his eyes wide." It is still apparent he is in shock, but this shows the reader instead of telling them like the original phrase did.)
So I walked to my next class with pride and in fear.
(Personally, I would have forgone this preface entirely; it spoils the story itself. When I read the first chapter below, I already knew who the vampire was. In addition, starting sentences with conjunctions like "and," "but," or "so" is not a good way to start a sentence. Use it only when the mood is right and it is for effect, which means using it as little as possible.)
CHAPTER 1
THE NEW KID
"Come on(,) Amy! the The bell is going to ring and we(')re going to be late!" My friend Sara yelled as we running ran down the hall.
Her dark orange hair (Dark orange? Did she dye it? I know that's not a natural color.) was tied up(,) but my light brown hair was getting in my face and my flats weren't helping either. (What aren't her flats helping with? Her hair? This is unclear; change it.) We turned the corner and that's when I crashed into a hard(,) muslcar muscular body. I fell back and I was about to hit the floor when cold arms pulled me up.
"I am so sorry! I am lost and I am looking for my class(.), are Are you okay?" he asked potietly politely and cornced with concern. I looked up and he had the most beautifulest beautiful hazel eyes I had ever seen(,) and so beautiful that I lost all my breathe and mind. That's when the bell rang(.) and I am was late for class again. I let out a long sigh and straightened up.
"No I am okay, but I am late(.) I can help you look for your class(.), so your So you're new here(,) huh...?" I asked(,) looking at his schueld schedule(.) to To my suprise surprise(,) he had every class with me. (It's okay for them to use contractions in speech; these two are teenagers and very few teens speak with no contractions. Let them use some and it will make them sound like real teens instead of robots.)
"Yup, and hey(,) I am sorry for making you late(,)." he said with a sad smile.
"NO!...its find plus No, it's fine, plus I was going to be late anyways, and at least you didn't ditch me like my friend did(,)" I said(,) looking for her(.)"-and And guess what? you You have all the same classes I do(,) so I can show you where your classes are(.) lets Let's get a tardy slip first(,)." I said(,) walking over to the office. (Why did she shout the word "no?")
We walked to our classroom quietly when we entered(,) everybody went quite quiet(.) Sara had a guilty experssion on her face(.) and I igrone ignored everybody and I took my seat.
"Well(,) you must be Mr. Trionty(,) or should I say Phil(.) , did Did Miss Amy help you here?"The teacher asked(,) studying the paper and Phil.
"Yes, sir and she is every very...helpful... so that(')s your name, Amy-(,)"he said(,) looking at me(.) and everyone turn Everyone turned to look at me again(.)"-thank Thank you(,) Amy(.), so So where's my seat(,) Mr. Blara?" asked Phil(.) I bet my cheeks are really were bright red with a blush right now then. (What's the big deal? New student, wow. New students and the people that interact with them don't get this much attention, even in a small town. I grew up in one and so did both my parents, so we would certainly know.)
"Well Amy(,) since you helped Mr. Trionty(,) your excuses you're excused from the tardy and Phil(,) you will sit next to Amy since that(')s the only empty seat.(,)" he said(,) signing the paper. 'GREAT(,) THE NEW KID SITS NEXT TO ME...' (Why is this in all capital letters? Is she shouting it in her head? Don't use all caps unless shouting and even then, try not to. That is what italics is for. Thinking of this, how loud must that thought be if it is in both italics and all caps?)
(You switch between present tense (I help, he runs, she eats,...) and past tense (I helped, he ran, she ate,...) a lot in the story. Don't do this. Stick to one tense or the other. Mixing is not allowed the way you're trying to mix them.)
~WHEEEEE!~
If I had been her beta, I would have taken one of two courses of action, probably the second one:
1) Sent this back to her with every correction and tip shown here, or
2) Sent this back to her with nothing changed and a big note saying to put this through a spell check and look it over before sending it back to me.
Really, there is no excuse for such spelling. If she used Microsoft Word, that has a spell check built into it. If she used Notepad or a similar application without spell check, then FF.net has one built into their document modifier, which you have to put your chapter/story in so that you can submit it to the site. A beta's job is not to rewrite half of the fic as I did here, but to offer some tips and correct a few little things here and there, putting on the final touches before publication. Something about this girl tells me that if I had been her beta, she would have taken my criticism badly and fired me just after getting my help.
I'm such a heartless girl, aren't I? This was probably her first fic and I slaughtered it! It's too bad I don't care. As a editor, my policy is that sugarcoating is for fucking idiots who are too sensitive to make it in writing. I tell them what they did wrong, what they did right, and how to improve. Sadly, all this girl did right was the interesting premise. Criticism happens. Critics might read a book they try to publish one day and slaughter it worse than I did. What pisses me off worse is how little effort she put into it. Writing is my life and when I see people fuck it up like this because they don't feel like they have to take it seriously, I want to punch a hole in the wall. For me, writing is serious business. Mock me on that all you please.
Be very glad I didn't go for a sporking too or this would have been twice as long.
Glad that she decided not to become a beta reader after all or else she would have run into more stories like this,
Paige